[[NWC]] The Pink One

POKEMON: SHELLOS F/PINK FORM (CONTEST)
DIFFICULTY: SIMPLE
LENGTH: 14950
RATING: GENERAL

Duncan loved the S.S. Anne.

Duncan hated the S.S. Anne.

It was a complicated relationship that wouldn't have seemed too unusual if Anne had been the name of a tempestuous woman instead of a ship. The world's finest ship.

Duncan was a man of the sea, like his ancestors before him. He came from a long line of fishermen and naval officers, but when it came time for him to ship out, Duncan had had his sights set on higher things.

A berth on the S.S. Anne was something any sailor could be proud of. Her crew circumnavigated the world once a year, every year, in the most opulent craft to ever sail the seas. Duncan had signed on as a lowly engine wiper- he knew one had to start small- but he'd worked hard and by the end of his first cruise, he was a Fifth Engineer. Perfectly respectable. He loved to stand on deck and watch the waves go by with his two Pokemon: Jib, his Electrike, and Tack, his Skiploom. Since he'd always had a bit of a knack for Training, from a young age he'd been taught to use Electric- and Grass-type Pokemon to protect the ship from attacks from the sea. This meant that on the S.S. Anne, he even got to stand Pokemon watch sometimes. That was the best of all- watching the moon and stars in the sky above and their reflections in the water with his two best friends, with the promise of the occasional exciting battle. His future was bright as well. The employment was steady, his room and board were provided for, and if he made the right connections with the ship's wealthy passengers, he might be able to retire a moderately wealthy man.

Duncan hated the S.S. Anne.

It wasn't the work, and it wasn't the ship. Both were as wonderful as could be imagined. It was... something else.

That something else was a seven-year-old girl, also named Anne.

Anne was a Very Important Person- that had been made clear to him the day she came aboard at Vermilion City. The only daughter of one of the company owners, she'd been named after the ship in one of those moments of parental self-aggrandizement. Since he'd sprained his wrist during the last lifeboat drill, he'd been assigned to watch over her until he was fit for duty again.

"A happy Anne means a happy boss," the bosun had told him. "You know what I mean."

He did- Duncan was to be at Anne's beck and call.

Anne was a nice kid, and rather cute in her sundress and hat as well. She seemed sensible for her age, too, which was a plus. However, she'd caught on that Duncan was supposed to follow her around and do anything she asked him, and, like any child, she couldn't help but take advantage of that.

It had been all right at the beginning- an ice cream cone, a tour of the ship. Little things, and only a few a day. However, the requests had grown more difficult and more frequent. She wanted him to groom her Growlithe. She wanted him to take her for a ride on one of the lifeboats. To dress as and talk like a pirate all day. To sing her songs over the public address system. To... to play dolls with her. He couldn't say no, and she wasn't old enough to know when to stop. To Duncan's dismay, he was spoiling her rotten and turning her into one of those stereotypical over-entitled rich kids... just as ordered.

He couldn't hate her- he wasn't allowed, and she could be really adorable when she tried- but he could certainly hate the situation, and the fact that he couldn't get out of it. The bosun checked in with him every day or two as well, so he couldn't try to discipline her either. The great ship's hull, once a symbol of strength and majesty to him, now seemed more like a prison wall.

"Hey, hey, Duncan! Lookit that!"

Duncan did his best to sound excited. "What is it, Anne?"

"In the water! There's gotta be like a bajillion Pokemon down there!"

He looked over the railing. A mass of blue bodies was bobbing next to the ship. "Yup, that's a Pokemon swarm. Those are Shellos, the sea slug Pokemon. It looks like they've come out for a swim. They usually stay closer to shore."

"Shellos shellos." It seemed like they'd come to see the S.S. Anne as well. Most of them were staring at the giant ship in obvious fascination.

"Ooh! One of them looked at me! I think he's smiling."

"Smile back."

"Hello, Shellos!" It was heartwarming scenes like that that made Duncan hope she'd turn out all right after all.

Duncan laid his good hand on the Poke Balls on his belt. The Shellos seemed peaceful, but he had to remain alert against the possibility that some of them might decide to come closer. That purple slimy stuff they liked to generate wasn't something you wanted on your ship's hull.

Anne noticed something. "Is that pink one a girl Shellos?"

"Pink? We're off the east coast of Sinnoh, so they should all be blue, whether or not they're boys or girls. You only get pink ones on the other... oh, I see it. Whaddaya know."

A west sea Shellos had apparently decided to go on vacation. There it was, a spot of pink in a sea of blue. There was a small patch of empty water surrounding it, as if the other Shellos were a bit wary of the foreigner in their midst. One of the many bits of Pokemon sea-lore Duncan had learned was that Shellos didn't like the smell of the slime from other forms of Shellos.

Anne noticed the Shellos's plight as well. "Aww, she's lonely."

"It might be a male..."

Anne rolled her eyes. Grown-ups could be so silly. "She's a girl! She's pink, so she's gotta be a girl!"

"All right, all right."

A gleam appeared in Anne's eyes. "We should catch her!"

"What?"

"She doesn't have any friends in the sea. If we catch her, then we can be her friends!"

The reasoning of youth. It was Duncan's turn to roll his eyes.

"Pleeease?"

Oh, great. He was trapped. It was things like this that made him so annoyed with his situation.

"Look, they're getting away!" The Shellos were starting to swim faster, leaving the S.S. Anne behind.

Duncan looked around. There were no Surf-capable Pokemon nearby, he couldn't use a lifeboat... and the bosun was coming his way, doing his periodic patrol of the deck.

Nothing for it. He stripped off his shoes and the outer layers of his uniform- it was better that they not get wet, and he needed to reduce weight. Weight was so important to sailors that even their Pokemon weren't always fully evolved if it meant they'd be lighter. His two Pokemon weighed thirty-six pounds as it was, and fully-evolved they would've been ninety-six. He wrapped a poncho around his bandaged wrist to keep it dry. That done, he grabbed a life preserver off the bulkhead and dove overboard. A rope connected the life preserver to the ship, allowing him to return.

The bosun jogged over to Anne when he saw Duncan jump. "Hey there, squirt. Do you know what's he doing?"

"Catchin' a Pokemon!"

The bosun shook his head. "That man works too hard." He felt sorry for him. Nobody would have wanted this baby-sitting job, and it was just bad luck that he had happened to be available. He'd see that Duncan drew hazard pay for this.

The water was cold. At least Duncan was used to it. He stuck himself through the hole in the middle of his life preserver and banged his Poke Balls on its rim. Jib appeared, paddling in the water next to him, while Tack wafted in the wind just overhead.

"We need to capture the pink one," he said. "See it over there? Tack, hit it with a Sleep Powder. That will get it away from the others. Jib, wait here with me and get ready to fight."

"Loom!"

The circle of yellow petals on Tack's head whirred to life and he floated away, over the wild Pokemon's heads. The Shellos didn't seem too concerned to have another Pokemon flying overhead, especially since he wasn't doing anything hostile, and left him alone.

"Hey, Duncan!" It was Anne.

He looked up towards the ship. The little girl was waving. Was she calling it off?

Not a chance. "Do you need help? I'm sending Fiona to help out!"

Her Growlithe, with some prodding, ran down the rope connecting Duncan to the ship and latched on to the life preserver next to him with her claws. She didn't look too happy- most Growlithe hated water.

"Sorry about this," he said to Fiona.

She shrugged. Pokemon asked to watch over children tended to tolerate a lot of things. Duncan was having difficulty following her example.

A hundred feet ahead, Tack found his target. He shook himself, and a cloud of greenish powder descended on the lone pink Shellos. Coated with the powder, it sneezed once and slumped onto its side, floating limply on the water. Tack maintained his position above it as the other Shellos swam onwards, leaving it behind. Thanks to the way that the S.S. Anne was moving, the pink Shellos was drifting in Duncan's general direction. As they cleared the other Shellos, Tack dipped down to give it a nudge in the right direction from time to time.

"Nice, Tack!" Duncan called. The Skiploom waggled in the air in response.

As he and the other two Pokemon waited there for their quarry to arrive, Duncan thought about himself and Anne- both Annes. After all, he had to keep his mind off of other, more worrying things like the coldness of the water and the ache of his still-healing wrist.

The ship was there beside him, pulling him along with the rope. A few passengers had joined the bosun in watching the unfolding drama of man and Pokemon braving the waves. He found that he didn't really appreciate the ship until he was off it. Sure, being on it meant he'd have to do crazy things to amuse a little girl, but at least it was warm and dry. From out here, the white hull and glowing running lights were beautiful. The hull wasn't a prison wall- it was a shelter for him, like the Poke Balls his team stayed in. There might be difficulties from time to time, but in the end he'd still be there, the ship would still be there, and the trouble would be left behind in their wake.

The little girl... catching this Shellos might change things. He was willing to bet that she'd never tried to domesticate a wild Pokemon before; Growlithe and Arcanine tended to be passed down from family member to family member as a kind of domestic servant. Once she had the Shellos, taking care of the little thing would teach her important things like responsibility and kindness. Appreciating a Pokemon that wasn't very popular would probably also be good for her personality. It was said that anyone who got along with Pokemon couldn't be all bad, so all he had to do was make sure they hit it off. He suspected most of her requests over the next few days would be Pokemon-centric too, and he wouldn't complain about that- well, the grooming maybe-

Jib nudged his arm. "Trike!"

Right, he had to catch it first.

The Shellos woke up when it was about two body lengths away. It looked around languidly at first, then in increasing alarm.

"Shellos los?!" Duncan had to smile at the sound of that voice. From the mouths of babes- this Shellos was female after all. The power of pink.

Time to fight. "Tack, stay with me. Jib's fresh, so he'll engage first. Use Thunder Fang!"

"Trike!" Jib approached the Shellos, paddling vigorously, and lunged forward. She didn't notice, still staring at the now-distant Shellos swarm in bafflement. He swam closer and closer; he had to use direct-contact electric attacks or risk electrocuting everything in the water around him. Fangs crackling with power bit into their opponent.

"Shellos!" The wild Pokemon didn't like that at all. The water darkened around her. It probably wasn't blood, which made it-

"Jib, watch out!"

Duncan's warning came too late. The seawater around Shellos congealed into mud, which she balled up and hurled at Jib.

Duncan winced. That Mud Bomb had to hurt.

It did. The shock of having his internal electric current suddenly grounded nearly knocked Jib out. He managed to pull himself together before he sank, and barked his defiance. He was covered in mud and starting to shiver, but he was probably good for one more attack.

"All right, you got too close. Hang back a little more and use Quick Attack," Duncan decided.

Jib paddled away from the Shellos, then turned to face her. He blurred, her chin snapped up, and he appeared on the far side with a splash. So fast even the Trainer couldn't see the movement; Duncan loved Quick Attack.

The Shellos shook her head and started swimming in circles, glowing with energy. Clouds appeared in the sky from nowhere, and fat raindrops started pelting down all around her. Fiona whimpered as the little fur she'd worked so hard to keep out of the water started to dampen and slick down.

Duncan wasn't fazed. "Rain Dance? That won't work."

The rain was falling on the S.S. Anne as well, which was a serious mistake for the Shellos. Sailors hated rough weather since it made the sea dangerous, and always had a Pokemon in reserve to make their sailing smoother. Someone called for a Sunny Day from one of the Pokemon on deck, and the sky immediately cleared. The Shellos groaned as the sunlight poured over them.

Jib was definitely flagging by now. Fighting and staying afloat at the same time would have been tiring even if he was still in good condition, but now he was trembling and starting to whimper. Duncan called him back and stowed him away in his Poke Ball.

He turned to the Pokemon beside him. "Fiona, the weather's in your favor, right? The sun should make you stronger, so you want to try anything?"

The Growlithe just shook her head and clutched the life preserver even harder. She really hated the sea.

"Yeah, this definitely isn't the place for you. Can't blame you. Hey, Tack, you're up!"

The Skiploom hovered over to face the Shellos, who shot a pulsing blast of water at him. He was buffeted, but stayed in the air.

"Trump card time. SolarBeam!"

The Shellos hit Tack with another Water Pulse, but that didn't stop him from unleashing his finishing move.

Nearly every sailor on Pokemon watch duty had SolarBeam available. It was just so useful, especially in combination with weather manipulation. In the bright sunlight, Tack was able to gather up the required light energy in an instant. He spit a beam of yellow radiance at the target.

Shellos's eyes widened. "Los she-"

There were cheers from the ship as the SolarBeam hit dead on target. He turned away from the battle to protect his eyes from the glare and got a good look at the S.S. Anne. He'd apparently gathered quite an audience. He could see Anne jumping up and down in excitement.

The cheers were justified- as the blinding light faded, he could see that the Shellos was on the brink of collapse.

Duncan always had at least one empty Poke Ball on hand, just in case he came across a rare sea Pokemon while he was on watch. He could get good prices for them if he visited a Pokemon breeder or dealer when the S.S. Anne landed at a port. He kept it in his jacket pocket... and he'd left his jacket on board.

"Now how am I going to capture it?" he asked himself.

"Gwaa gwawiff!"

Fiona's voice sounded muffled. Duncan quickly discovered that this was due to her holding a Poke Ball in her mouth. He hadn't noticed it before because it was almost the same color as she was. She'd been helpful enough to retrieve it before coming down to join him.

"You," Duncan told her, "are the best butler ever." She winked.

He took the Poke Ball from her and threw it at the Shellos.

He held his breath as the Ball did its thing.

So did Anne...

 

I keep forgetting- this story was posted in ready-to-grade form. It's already on the NWC list, but I'm just making sure any potential graders who happen on this story know about that.

 

claim this

 

Intro:
Section 1: The Hook
I am like a fish and the first few paragraphs are like a hook. Your particular hook has a nice New York Strip on it, which I like.

Being knowledgable to the Pokemon world/Having Bulbapdeia available to me, seeing the contradiction of your main character and a popular boat intrigued me. Even though someone might not have the same knowledge, you do well to introduce the ship while showing some insight to the character of Duncan.

Section 2: Characters
See section above. I like how you describe the mindset of your characters rather than what they are wearing. It brings a deeper connection between the reader and the characters when you include a backstory. The backstory is also not so overbearing that we lose sight of the story at hand. We are still wondering why he hates this ship he claims to love until the time we are introduced to little Anne.

Plot/Details:
For a simple Pokemon, this plot was pretty original. Having the Duncan suffer an injury helped with the "tension" between the remedial task of babsitting and his feelings. And it was a good thing you mentioned the injury throughout the story, because peronsally, I forgot about it by the time he got into the water.

However, you do the same thing with Jib and Tack, but it didn't work as well. You mention them briefly in the introduction as two Pokemon, and then mention their names after a big chunk of the plot. Since you refer to their nicknames, I didn't know who they were and went back to see. You can compare this to a book with pages. If you include some detail from a few pages ago, you must make sure the reader has enough information to remember. Since the reader isn't given a description of the Pokemon characters, and then given a lot of other plot, the reader might forget about them like I did. Also, for someone who doesn't know anything about Pokemon, this doesn't give them much information to go by.

However, you gave a good amount of detail when describing the attacks and the logic behind why certain moves were used.

Length:
For a Simple Pokemon, the Length is good. Despite the length, it was a fast read, which is good because it got me to really engage in your story.

Grammar:
Hyphens and Dashes: Many times you use hyphens when you mean to use dashes, which are two hyphens. This is just a nitpick, but for future stories, remember this. A dash should be used when making a brief interruption within a statement, a sudden change of thought, an additional comment, or a dramatic qualification.

Also sometimes it’s better to use a colon instead of a dash.

A colon is used to separate an explanation, rule, or example from a preceding independent clause. So what was the best of all? Watching the moon and etc. was the best.

You also have a lot of Fragment phrases. While most of them are fine because they add to the situation and description the narrator is portraying, some of them seem like thoughts that a particular character would have.

This seems like Anne's thought as it seems different than the other comment phrases the narrator uses. I suggest putting down that she thought this, as not to confuse the reader.

Lastly, one comma error I wanted to point out:

He could hate the situation and the fact. Since there is only one subject, a comma isn't needed before and.

Battle:
The battle was logical and as I mentioned before, well detailed. The only thing that bothered me is that someone besides Duncan and the Shellos used a move to help Duncan out. It seems a bit like cheating. If Duncan used it sure, but the fact that someone on the deck did it made the battle seem cheap at the end.

Personal Feelings:
I really liked this story. Again the battle might have gone a bit differently if and outside person didn't help.

I also liked how I didn't have to correct you on paragraphing issues.

Verdict:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Here's Your Prize:


Please just watch out for punctuation usages. I look forward to any stories you right in the future!

​

 

Thanks for grading! And for the new Shellos. Heh.

I was unaware of the difference between hyphens and em dashes. Looking it up on Wikipedia cleared it up somewhat, but I'd always thought that '-' was '-'. Guess not. Gotta bone up on my Unicode...