(NWC) Galactic Shellos (Ready for Grade)

Pokemon Writing for: Shellos
Writer: Clueless1
Estimated Character Length: 8636 (No Spaces)


Three years ago, in the land of Johto, a criminal gang cruelly defaced Pokemon for money. Day after day, poor Slowpoke were taken from the citizens of Azalea town. They were dragged to the bottom of Azalea Well, and under the direction of the Rocket Executive Proton, their tails were sliced off and sold at one million Pokedollars a pop. The citizens of Azalea town still recall the days when they could wake up to the sound of crying Slowpoke in pain. It was only through the heroic actions of a young boy named Gold that the Slowpoke were saved, and Team Rocket finally thwarted.

Gold grew up and challenged Red, the first true Pokemon master, and won. His courage and skill with battling and breeding inspired a new generation of Pokemon trainers. He toured both Johto and Kanto, speaking to young children, aspiring Pokemon trainers, and concerned parents alike. However, there was one child that even the great Gold was unable to leave an impression on.

"Wake up Chris! Breakfast time!" The young boy tossed over, frustrated with his mother for waking up so early. He turned, forcing the sun to waste its effort on his blue mane, which twisted around his neck. Echoes of thudding footsteps raced their creators up the stairs, as Chris's little sister, Angela bust open the door. Light flooded into the room, and Chris ducked under the covers, his pale skin running in fear of the light.

Angela began pounding on the bony lump under the sheets. "Wake up Chris!" Chris grunted and threw off his sheets onto his sister's face. While she was disoriented, he pushed her out and locked the door. Stupid girl, he thought. Always bothering me. Small fists pounded on the door as he changed out of his pajamas into jeans and a T-Shirt. He looked around the immaculate room, seeing the posters of his heroes on the wall. Rocket executives Proton and Petrel were featured multiple times. He had always dreamed of making it big and joining Team Rocket, were it not for that Gold destroying their leaders.

A particularly loud knock brought Chris back from his fantasies of torturing the hero. "Screw this." He opened his window and called on his Chinchou. Being held in Chris's arms, it sent two perfectly aimed thunderbolts into trees near his room. Several Starly rose from the trees and for fear of being zapped again, carried him out of his room. Chris had been practicing the move Fly for days, but only now was it perfected.

Chris ran down the streets of Pastoria, eager to get away from the annoyances in his house and ran to Lake Valor, his favorite hideaway. A few days ago, strange men had barricaded the entrance in, but now that he had gathered enough Starly, he could fly over the barrier.

"Starlies! Flight maneuver Alpha-Beta-Omega-Delta-7 Force Go!" Five Starlies tore into his flesh on each arm and pulled him upwards, using vast amounts of effort to lift him over the five foot barrier. Dropping him carelessly, the Starlies left to go to various trees, nursing their talons and hiding from the strange men in the lake. Chris dusted off his Master Ball T-Shirt, scraped the leaves off of his jeans, and set off into the lake, combing through his blue hair as he went.

As Chris approached the lake, he heard strange mechanical noises that grew louder and louder. They ranged from the drones of computers to the high pitched squeals of metal on metal. Along his walk there, the population of the Pokemon quickly declined. An evil aura filled the air. No sentient Pokemon wanted to be near the factory that now rose from the center of the lake.

Chris stared at the floating Colosseum, mouth agape. It towered two stories tall, and had a very futuristic look to it. A lone satellite dish buzzed around the top, and the mechanical noises were near deafening. A large spherical dome, it reminded Chris of the top half of an Electrode. To the naked eye, there seemed to be no entrances, but even if there were, a moat of water that used to be Lake Valor surrounded it. Several angry looking Tentacool hid submerged in the water, waiting for an idiotic soul to attempt to swim across.

"Go Chinchou!" Chris threw his Pokeball high in the air, expecting it to land at his feet and open like it did on television. Instead, the unfortunate Chinchou landed high above it's natural habitat, in a tree near the lake. Swearing all the way up, Chris went to retrieve it. Straining his arm muscles, he stretched through several branches, twisting his arm to retrieve his only hope of getting to this mysterious factory.

Upon touching the Pokeball, a terrible grinding sound arose from the lake. Chris was petrified, unable to move from the tree, fear in his heart. The forest around shook in sync with the beat of the screech. The nails-on-chalkboard sound woke up several hibernating Staravia and sent them flying in a radial direction away from the source of the noise.

Chris took a very deep breath, then held it as he peered out the leafy foliage of the tree. A door had slid upwards up the dome, and several distressed Shellos were weakly swimming out. One of them had fainted, and was being carried out on the backs of two other Shellos. Chris knew that something was wrong with them, but just couldn't determine what it was. It was only after a Shellos with two bandages on either side of its head popped out of the lake that it became apparent that all the blue-green blobs had no horns on their heads.

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"Whaddaya want kid? We're just loppin' off of Slowpoke tails. Nothin' to see here." Proton stared down the funny looking boy in the hat and goggles. A Quilava walked behind him. Within minutes, it was over. A fainted Zubat and Koffing lay at the Rocket Executive's feet. Proton was hysterical. It was weeks before Archer let him battle again. Then again, defeat. The Typhlosion overpowered the Golbat and the Weezing. Proton was devastated. Immediately after the fiasco at the Goldenrod Radio Station, he resigned from Team Rocket and moved to the Sinnoh region.

The Sinnoh region was a fascinating place, with myths that far surpassed the legends of Johto. Tales were told of the guardians of the three lakes, Uxie, Mespirit, and Azelf. These guardians had the power to awake Dialga and Palkia, masters of Time and Space. If one could master the power of these godly Pokemon, one could create a new universe. Proton spent years perfecting his plans, studying how one could destroy the universe and start fresh. When his schematics completed, he emerged from his hideout in Veilstone City anew, with a new name: Cyrus. Cyrus was the name of a fierce battler in the past who used terrible noises to conquer her foes.

Every plan required careful effort and planning, and this creation-shaking plan was no different. The first obstacle that needed to be overcome in the creation of the Red Necklace was a lack of funds and people. Cyrus was the mechanic of the Rocket Executives, and within months had several fully functioning automatons that could battle, albeit pitifully, and follow orders. Their creation had used the last of his money, and fund-raising was required for the newly created Team Galactic. It was time to go back to an old money-making scheme Cyrus had thought up in his days as a Rocket. Selling body parts of various Pokemon always brought in a lot of money.

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Chris was excited. Team Rocket was back! There was no other organization in the twelve year old's knowledge that would use the same plan. He stealthily shuffled down the tree, barely able to contain his excitement. This time, instead of a very ostentatious release, Chris quietly threw the Pokeball on the ground and released his faithful Chinchou. "Surf." The simple command was whispered into the Chinchou's ear and the excitement and tension could not have been made more clear. The perfect warble in Chris' voice explained to the Chinchou the seriousness of the situation and how failure would not be tolerated.

The Shellos continues swarming out of the hatch, but under the sea, a sopping wet Chris was swimming in the opposite direction. His determined gaze was fixed on the slowly closing door. The last Shellos slowly drained out of the pod and Chris's oxygen supply was running low. Face turning blue, Chris directed Chinchou through the gap and into the air.

A man with a steely gaze greeted Chris as the boy surfaced. The air grew heavy and tense and thick and dark and Chris found himself unable to think rationally. Without changing his blank facial expression, the man raised an arm, a blue Shellos struggling to escape.

"We need the horns."

The man's voice was deeper than any voice that Chris had heard before and radiated power. He fixed his dull, emotionless eyes on the Shellos and with a grunt, threw it into a small pool by his feet, the area that Chris had entered. The scared and excited child crawled out of the pool and examined his surroundings. The pool of water was no bigger than thirty meters square and about two meters deep. Chinchou sat in the water, staring down the Shellos, awaiting orders. Chris began to shout orders.

"Use Discharge!" By using the electric attack, the small sluglike Pokemon would be unable to avoid it, and had a high chance of becoming paralyzed. Shellos retaliated by spitting out a ball of mud and surrounding itself with it. The electrical attacks had no effect. Once the electrical energy had subsided, the Shellos charged Chinchou, hitting it with a muddy Tackle. Chinchou recoiled from the super effective attack and swam in circles repeatedly to get rid of the mud.

Chris swore. The battle was not going his way. He needed to prove himself to this Rocket Executive. "Do it again!" Chinchou and the Shellos repeated their moves from the previous turn but Chris quickly yelled before the Shellos could amass it's cloud of mud. "Hit it with Bubblebeam!" The translucent clear bubbles erupted from the Chinchou's mouth and hit the muddy water around the Shellos. The mud flew towards it's creator and hit it for massive damage. Without Chris having to say a word, the Chinchou used Spark and tackled the Shellos.

Knocked unconscious, it was a simple matter for the boy to lop off both horns. A Chansey scurried through the room to heal the small Pokemon from it's bloody wounds. Chris turned to his instructor, and for a brief second, he thought he saw a hint of genuine emotion fly across his face. The laughter crept away from the man's eyes and was replaced by the dull look that were there when Chris had met him.

"You're in. Welcome to Team Galactic."

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Comments are welcome and encouraged. Please grade and be harsh.

 

im not a grader but i liked ur story. the plot was interesting and there was a lot of detail in it. didnt see anything wrong apart from one bit when it said

it didnt sound very... elegant. but everything else was good

 

I am not a grader either, but after looking at how harsh I can be, I should consider signing up.

In the beginning, you talk about Johto, Kanto and Team Rocket, and then introduce your character, but don't say where exactly he is until the 6th Paragraph. It seemed like he was in Johto on the first read through.

Also, with the Starly, first you say they carried you out, then you were running, then told them to carry you again. You didn't explain how they carried you until the second time, and I was confused if they dropped you outside your house or not. Also, it seemed you were trying to keep away from plural Pokemon names at first, but its always just their names, so one Starly, two Starly.

I did enjoy the whole throwing the Pokeball into the tree thing.

I had the first time I read this was how you presented the whole Proton becoming Cyrus. It seemed awkward in the middle of the story; it seemed like Chris's reasoning of what was happening more than a narrator telling it. Also, the events of Silver/Gold/Crystal occurred along with the events of Diamond/Pearl/Platinum so it would be illogical that Proton becomes Cryus, since Cyrus already has all the resources he needs during Platinum and it seems you story happens after the events of D/P/P (Since its also years after S/G/C), meaning Cyrus is still in Distortion World.

Regardless of that last comment, shouldn't Proton/Cyrus be worried then someone seemingly appears in his big ship thing, especially a kid, since he was beat by one when he was Proton. He just seems to accept that Chris is going to help him. I assume the man is Cyrus, because you don't describe him too well.

This was confusing, was the Chansey curing the Shellos or your Chinchou? Also, it would be better if you wrote that Chris lopped off both horns, describing his feelings while he cuts away at the unconscious body. It would show us more about his personality/change into become a "bad guy"

The battle, I felt, was on the short side at 845 Characters w/o Spaces. It would also have helped, if you broke up the paragraphs whenever a new person was doing actions, like:

Should be more like:

Chris swore. The battle was not going his way. He needed to prove himself to this Rocket Executive. "Do it again!"

Chinchou and the Shellos repeated their moves from the previous turn.

Chris quickly yelled before the Shellos could amass it's cloud of mud. "Hit it with Bubblebeam!"

The translucent clear bubbles erupted from the Chinchou's mouth and hit the muddy water around the Shellos. The mud flew towards it's creator and hit it for massive damage. Without Chris having to say a word, the Chinchou used Spark and tackled the Shellos.​

Overall, I thought Chris needed more to establish his character, he seemed just to be annoyed and cursed all the time. I see how he likes Team Rocket, but why? What is his motivation? Does he hate Pokemon? Does he want to take over the world?

Sorry if it does seem like i'm being maticulous but hopefully it can help you in the future of writing. I did like you creativity of the Proton/Cyrus (Albeit the timeline confusion) and motivation behind getting the horns. I like it when a story focuses on the antagonists of a world. Good luck in the Contest.​

 

No, I highly appreciate your comments. Thank you for the good advice.

As to my pathetic excuse for the sloppy ending, I originally had a different ending that would've taken another 2k, but I was finishing this on the deadline and rushed. Rereading the end, a lot of it isn't coherent.

 

i'll claim this for later, now that i'm a grader

 

The very story that got me to consider being a grader... I'm just so happy... I might repeat what I said before, but with a grader's mind

Intro:
Section 1: The Hook
At first, it seemed like a Pokemon history lesson, but then I got intrested once you said that your character Chris didn't think Gold was a Hero.

Section 2: The Characters
You didn't really describe what your character looked like well: jeans, a Master Ball T-Shirt and Blue Hair. However, I really got the vibe that this kid was really angry at the world, making him perfect for the ways of Team Rocket/Galactic. Through his actions and speech you can really get a feel for his character, which is great.

Plot/Reality:
It was a very original plot, especially for a simple Pokemon. Using the Pokemon history and joining the different generations together (I mean II and IV).

But, here is where I'm going to say a lot of what I said before I was a grader (with better grammar):

The whole Proton becoming Cyrus seemed awkward in the middle of the story; it seemed like it was Chris's reasoning of what was happening more than a narrator telling it. Also, the events of Silver/Gold/Crystal occurred along with the events of Diamond/Pearl/Platinum so it would be illogical that Proton becomes Cryus, since Cyrus already has all the resources he needs during Platinum and it seems you story happens after the events of D/P/P (Since its also years after S/G/C), meaning Cyrus is still in Distortion World.

Also, shouldn't Proton/Cyrus be worried when someone seemingly appears in his big ship thing, especially a kid, since he was beat by one when he was Proton. He just seems to accept that Chris is going to help him. I assume the man is Cyrus, because you don't describe him too well.

Length:
Your Story is 10K+ w/ spaces so your fine here!

Grammar:
Remember: Pokemon species' names are the same when plural. So one Starly, two Starly, three Starly, etc.

When you say "Stupid girl, he thought. Always bothering me" you should indicate with quotes or italics that he is thinking it. Or else the "Always bothering me" is just an incomplete sentence. Characters don't have to speak in complete sentences, but writers usually should.

Minor thing, you only do it twice but just remember for the future: "it's" = "it is" while "its" = posessive adj. So "it's natural habitat" should be "its natural habitat."

The reader knows the Shellos is the one knocked unconscious, but it really should be a part of this sentence, since they are two separate ideas and the Shellos isn't the "it" in the sentense. To fix this you can say: Knocked unconscious, the Shellos was unable to stop the boy from lopping off both horns. Or: Now that Shellos was knocked unconscious, the boy simply could lop off both horns. See how both instances include that it knocked unconscious.

Lastly, Paragraphing:

Whenever someone new activly speaks or acts, they should get a new paragraph. It helps the readers see the flow of what's going on and helps the writer makes sure the reader's aren't confused. So, the previous paragraph should be:

The reason why I seperated the first two paragraphs, despite Chris also acting in the second one, it because you should also create a new paragraph when a new idea happens. It also helps with flow.


Details:
In the beginning, you talk about Johto, Kanto and Team Rocket, and then introduce your character, but don't say where exactly he is until the 6th Paragraph. It seemed like he was in Johto on the first read through.

Also, with the Starly, first you say they carried you out, then you were running, then told them to carry you again. You didn't explain how they carried you until the second time, and I was confused if they dropped you outside your house or not.

Also this was odd: Chansey scurried through the room to heal the small Pokemon from it's bloody wounds. Was the Chansey curing the Shellos or your Chinchou? You didn't really mention that either of them were bloody during the battle. Small details like this can mean a lot.

Battle:
Disregard my comment, you battle was 1K w/spaces, which is still a bit on the short side, but not at short as I thought it to be at first since now I know I have to include spaces. You did a fine job describing attacks and their effects. But again, I suggest you expand a bit, to add more excitment.

Personal Feelings:
From before:
I did enjoy the whole throwing the Pokeball into the tree thing.

Also, it would be better if you wrote that Chris lopped off both horns, describing his feelings while he cuts away at the unconscious body. It would show us more about his personality/change into become a "bad guy."

From now:
Overall, I liked your story; it was a good shift from the good guy stories.

Verdict:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Here's your prize?


It's a sad blue Shellos that had it's horns lopped off...
Thank you for getting me into grading!