Night at the Museum

This story contains tooth-pulling. It appears I can't make a single story without putting blood of some sort in it. Sorry.

"This is big, Mawile, maybe the biggest heist we've ever tried to pull off. Are you ready?" the hooded man asked his partner from his crouched position outside the museum. The little fairy nodded resolutely.

The pair crept forward, taking shelter behind bushes and cars, anything available. It was a heavily guarded site, and you could never be too careful, even in the dead of night. They were after a set of expensive stones, called Mega Stones. Thomas, the hooded man, didn't know what made the stones so special or even why they were called what they were. He just knew that there were people who would play a high price for them.

He reached under his hood to scratch his dark hair as he contemplated possible entrances to the museum. Before this, they had worked for big bosses, who wanted a snitch silenced or debts collected. Mawile and Tom went way back, and their track record was paved with terror. This was the first time they had attempted something on their own, without one of the bosses protecting them.

Mawile tugged at his sleeve as a guard turned a corner, disappearing just long enough for Tom to pick her up and dash to the wall. The man would be back soon, but that wasn't important. Tom preferred not to kill when he wasn't being paid to do so for two reasons. One, it was a waste of time, and two, it hindered his ability to get away clean.

A light sparkled off a nearby car and Tom realized the guard would soon turn the corner again. He yanked the end of a rope coil off his belt and threw it up to the roof, hoping it would catch on the fancy stonework.

His luck held up. The loop tightened around a gargoyle's neck, and the stone dragon looked like it was being strangled. Tom decided he liked it better that way. Mawile pointed urgently at the light around the corner, which was growing brighter fast, and Tom shook himself out of his thoughts and began to climb. The rope was rough against his calloused hands, but he was no stranger to climbing. Several of the people he had been hired to take down in the past had lived in small, nondescript apartments. They were the type who had enough money to buy a nice house, but knew that that would attract unwanted attention.

He felt a small tug below him and realized that Mawile had been quick in joining him on the rope, and not a second too late. The guard turned the corner just as the pair clambered up out of sight, trying to stay as still as possible. Tom noted that the guard looked quite tired, a common side effect of taking the night shift. It was likely he wouldn't even have noticed them, but it wasn't worth the risk. They stayed frozen until the guard had turned the next corner, then shimmied up to the first available window.

Here was where things would start to get tricky, because the windows were most likely alarmed. That was where Mawile came in. The little Pokémon crawled up over his back to the window and swung around so her jaws faced the offending window, and carefully traced a perfect circle in the glass before punching all the way through.

That was Mawile's job. She could get past any booby-trapped surface by simply cutting through it. Tom doubted she had ever willingly opened a door and walked through it, partially because she wasn't tall enough and partially because she accessed their apartment by frequently cutting herself a personal entrance.

She finished cutting around the circle of glass, stabbing one tooth gently into the center so it didn't fall and shatter, drawing attention. Tom eased it off, slipping it into his backpack. They could hide it in a bush on the way out, and they'd get away clean.

Mawile slipped in the window, taking in the surroundings, before nodding to Tom and beckoning him inside. They entered on a landing in the middle of a massive marble flight of stairs. Tom smirked at the lavish decorations. "Nice place."

Mawile placed a finger over her lips and Tom nodded in acknowledgement, lowering his voice. "The Mega Stones are the centerpiece of the current exhibit, so they're probably at the center of the ground floor."

The pair slunk down the stairs, keeping a wary eye out for any guards. On reaching the bottom, Tom pointed them deeper into the museum, weaving between ancient fossils and precious metals. All of the treasures made his mouth water, but he knew that the true gem, or rather gems, of the collection were the Stones.

A flashlight shone over darkened artwork nearby, causing Tom and Mawile to back against opposite pillars. They tried to make themselves as small as possible as the guard passed by, a task significantly harder for Tom. Tom was actually quite a large man, and while Mawile did the entering part of 'breaking and entering,' he did the breaking. Breaking bones, that is, and you don't find that kind of raw power in a ninety pound wimp.

The guard passed them by anyways, and Tom sighed softly in relief as soon as he was out of earshot. He pulled himself out of the little crack he had forced himself into as he pulled away from the guard and almost toppled forward onto Mawile, who hastily backed up a few steps to avoid getting squashed. He caught himself just before he destroyed either his partner or a piece of priceless art that was likely alarmed.

The lightning was dim, and both criminals tiptoed towards their mark for fear of tripping over an unseen barrier, something that would seem very unlikely in daylight but seemed quite reasonable in the murky half-light of the museum.

They slipped around one corner, then another, like sharks nearing their unsuspecting prey. A low purring noise rose in Mawile's jaws as the glimmering Mega Stones appeared before them. Tom threw an arm in front of the little fairy as she attempted to step forward as jerked his head up to a camera, set smack in the center of the round room housing the precious stones.

"No blind spots," he muttered. "We'll have to bust it somehow, but I can't throw any of the stuff here. No doubt it's all rigged."

Mawile nodded, but she refused to back down once they had come so far. She considered an idea for a moment before dismissing it. It was ridiculous, and depended entirely on Tom's ability to throw. She was about to turn and walk away when one of the stones caught her eye. It was lavender, shot through with black and yellow. Mawile instinctively knew that that stone was hers. It was meant for her, it had to be hers. She needed that stone.

Tom sighed and turned away. "I think we're stuck, Mawile. We should go before the guard comes back around."

Mawile shook her head vigorously, swinging her jaws around and pointing to one of her teeth excitedly. Tom frowned. "I don't get it, does your tooth hurt?"

She mimed pulling at her tooth. If Tom didn't understand it was all for naught, and she would never get the magic stone. He looked bewildered. "You want me to pull your tooth?"

She nodded vigorously and mimed throwing. Tom looked like he was understanding, and said incredulously, "You want me to pull your tooth and throw it at the camera?"

Mawile nodded firmly and pointed at the tooth to tell him to hurry up. Tom hesitated, then reached for the fang. He wrapped his shirt around his hand and selected a tooth, not the one she always used to carve through glass, but another one. He leaned back, pulling hard, wincing at Mawile's pained and determined expression.

With a sickening wet noise, the tooth came out, Mawile collapsing to the floor and gasping as blood spilled from her jaws. Tom looked down at her in supreme concern, unsure why she had been adamant about the fang being pulled in the first place, but she still beckoned him to throw the bloody fang at the camera.

Tom's aim was true. The steel tooth was hard and heavy enough to be a perfect projectile, and it shattered the camera perfectly. Glass rained down over the floor, causing Tom to duck away and shield the half-conscious Mawile with his body. He felt bad for what he had done, but the Mega Stones were now within reach.

He ran forward, eager now to just get the Stones and get out, Mawile leaving a trail of blood on the floor that he nearly slipped on. He took her limp jaw in his hand and carefully, gently, cut through the glass himself. It wasn't nearly as good as Mawile's professional work, but it was good enough. He pried the disk out and stared awestruck at the unrestrained beauty of the Stones.

They had just looked like marbles from afar, but now that he was closer he could see that each one had a little light inside, all different colors, spiraling and dancing. He glanced down to give Mawile a gentle smile, which she weakly returned.

He looked up again and frowned. There was all of a sudden something missing from the perfect scene. The twenty-nine mesmerizing stones were still there, but there was something... off. He counted them again and his heart leapt into his throat. There were only twenty-eight! There was one missing!

He groaned in despair and looked down at Mawile again. "Looks like your sacrifice was for nothing, Mawile. One of the stones is missing, so we won't have the full set."

He scooped the rest of the stones off of their little podiums anyways, saying, "These will still go for a high price, though. People pay a lot for these things."

He cradled Mawile in his arms and tucked the stones away in a cushioned pocket of his jacket. "Let's go, girl. The guard has a lot to patrol, but when he gets here-" He paused for a moment to take in the shattered camera, splatters of blood, and empty display case. "-he won't be pleased."

The two set off, Tom occasionally wiping up the trail of blood so it wouldn't be too obvious where they had come from. They slipped back the way they had come, the twists and turns of the maze-like museum holding no mystery for them anymore. Tom smiled smugly into the night as they reached the window they had entered through, and an identical smile graced Mawile's reddened jaws as she tasted victory in the form of her very own Mega Stone between her fangs.

Spoiler

Target Pokémon- Mawile
Rank- Medium
Character Count- 10014

 

claaaaaim n~n

 

Plot:

Wondrous job on your introduction! In only three brief paragraphs, we know exactly what's going on, who the characters are, and you also create a sense of danger because it's their first time solo! BOOM loved it! We began very quickly and the rest of the story progressed in this same manner, which is great because short stories usually don't have enough of a span to encounter pacing problems. But alas, you had none of those here! Instead, you had a quirky and fascinating episode of adventure with metathievery at the end. Very nice.

My only suggestion now is to write higher and and write always. Your short stories usually involve one awesome idea that you extrapolate upon. You have excellent ideas and the potential for so much more. I'd love to see you more in the story section and to really try writing much more complex stories with multiple events and more description. They'd be great! This story is great.

Description:

You have an excellent style of characterization without use of explicit details. When Tom thinks that killing is a waste of time, or that the Gargoyle looks like it's being strangled and he likes that, you're diving into the persona of the character with small, well-selected details. I loved these! My only suggestion for these types of small but potent details is to watch for inconsistencies within the story and its characters. There is the small detail in the third opening paragraph about how Mawile and Tom's track record was "paved with terror." Yet the characters falter at a seemingly basic problem later on: they do not know how to disable the cameras. Given their earlier described reputation, combined with their ease into entering the museum, a reader would think that they would at least know how to do this common burglary task. Pulling teeth doesn't quite make sense, unless you were going for an idiomatic expression (if so, that is brilliant, and make that connection a little clearer so we can all bask in your cleverness). Reread to correct or explain these tiny inconsistencies in the narrative.

NSFA wrote in another grade for you that the descriptions you did have were perfect! You just needed more. And I definitely agree with her. For most of the story, the lack of description made it a bit difficult to visualize the museum. More importantly, it was quite difficult to see Tom and Mawile. It's important to describe the scene as the reader becomes more involved in the story, reading what you're seeing, with just enough description that the reader doesn't get distracted by wondering what things look like. But it's even more important to describe your characters as the reader doesn't have a schema for what the lovely living beings in your imagination look like. Yes, the scene may be dark, but you receive even more creativity points for describing your characters despite this. Think of unconventional ways to describe characters and the scene - as long as they're being described to some extent, which is always a requirement. For example: we could see their reflections in the shattered glass. The Pokemon must always be described too, whether we have a sentence or a few words or sentences everywhere (depending on the importance of the Pokemon in the story and where it's most appropriate to insert description). What does it look like for Tom to hold Mawile's jaw in his hand? What do they both look like in the first place?

The quoted above is a well-crafted and creative piece of description you provided. I would recommend you to insert your descriptions more, as they provide strong images and sensations (his calloused hand - good!). Again, descriptions of the characters and the Pokemon are a must. Sensations are important too, but work on finding ways to describe your main characters and their mons and their moment (the setting, the scene, etc).

Grammar:

Nitpicky me. You can only get better, so I thought to mention small issues for future consideration.

Be careful about placement of pronouns when actions are involved. In this sentence, I understand what you mean. Clause 1: Mawile is tugging at Tom's sleeve. Clause 2: A guard turned around the corner and Tom picked Mawile up. But technically, because grammar is a strange, strange world, Mawile is tugging at his [her] own sleeve and Tom picks up the guard instead. We want to have the relevant pronoun as close to the action or the receiver of the action as possible to avoid mixups. Again, this is supeeeer minor. But you have a strong control over grammar and can only improve.

Another very small thing (you're too good): "ninety pound" should be "ninety-pound" because this a compound adjective. They are one entity, just as Tom wouldn't be described simply with the words ninety or pound in isolation. They belong together, so we keep them together via hypens. More examples of this: ten-year-old, four-wheel drive, 16-bit processing.

Length:

We're a little bit on the shorter side for a medium here, but it's quite fine! You had an interesting and sweet idea. Any longer and it would have been slightly dragged out, and any less and the story would have been too compacted. On the flipside, there's not too much content to judge here. More description would have definitely increased the length a little bit, but the lack isn't enough to completely detract from the actual story. Again, I challenge you to write longer stories. You might have a blast!

Outcome:

Mawile Captured! Enjoy! I very much hope to see you in this section more.