New Beginnings: First Gym Battle

This is my second story. I hope this one will reflect the criticisms I received from my first story, and how I tried to grow from them.
Pokemon: Snorunt
Characters: 11950

Frostbitten and on the verge of collapsing; up-and-coming trainer Derrick was on his way to Snowpoint City. Although his partner Chimchar usually stayed outside of his Pokeball, it was far too cold and Chimchar wouldn't survive. Born and raised in Pastoria City, Derrick was used to thunderstorms and lightning, however, on the route to this city he knew he needed new gear. Before his pilgramage to Snowpoint he stopped at his local Pokemart and picked up cloths decent for the chilling weather of his destination. The cloths he bought were common in the snowy region: insolated pants, long sleve shirt, fleece jacket, boots, and a scarf. On advice from his older brother, who won his first gym battle against the Snowpoint City gym leader, Candice; Derrick decided to go and challenge her. When Derrick first stepped into the snow filled fields of the routes to Snowpoint, he returned Chimchar to his pokeball and began to trudge into the four foot snow and blinding blizzards torward his first gym battle.

A short while into his journey, Derrick could go no further. Pushing against the strong, cold air, had drained Derrick of all of his reserve energy, he spotted a cave down the path to Snowpoint City and decided to rest there. Deep inside, the cave kept Derrick warm and he sent out his Chimchar, and his recently captured Shellos. Although Shellos seemed unaffected and somewhat enjoyed the freezing temperatures, Chimchar was still quite cold. Derrick suddenly realized he had bought a gift for Chimchar. Chimchar looked at Derrick with excitement as he brought out a blue scarf from his bookbag. Chimchar wore his new scarf with pride, and the cold weather seemed to not affect him anymore. The damp cave was very large and Derrick knew other trainers had stayed in there previously. The trainer and his pokemon slept in the cave for the night, and grew anxious as they thought of what they would face tomorrow.

As the bright sun crept into the dim cave, Derrick awoke. He returned Shellos and was about to return Chimchar also when Chimchar said,"Char"

"Whats wrong," said Derrick.

"Chim-chim-char," said Chimchar.

Derrick said, "You don't want to return to your Pokeball? But it's cold outside."

"Chim-chim."

"Okay, but if it gets too cold, your going inside your Pokeball."

"Charr," Chimchar stated as he shook his head.

With his partner on his shoulder, they exited the large, grey, cave. The duo expected another blizzard ,however, they were pleasantly suprised when they only felt a slight gust, and the sun's warm rays.

Derrick could tell they were close to Snowpoint, he saw many trainers with there Pokemon,however, they seemed unaffected by the cold weather. Suddenly! Derrick and Chimchar heard a loud shuffle in a nearby snow covered bush. They waited quietly, without even breathing. After a moment, which seemed like forever, a small Pokemon popped out of the bush. Derrick was ecstatic, he loved coming across new Pokemon he had never seen before. Derrick then pulled out his Pokedex, after a brief scan the results showed that the small Pokemon was a Snorunt.

"Wow," said Derrick "A Snorunt"

Derrick checked to see how many Pokeballs he had left... two. He only bought three, and used one to capture his Shellos in Pastoria. He quickly decided he wanted to capture the wild Snorunt.

"Chimchar stand by for battle," Derrick stated.

"Chim-cha," returned Chimchar.

Derrick commanded Chimchar to use Ember, dozens of fireballs were sent at Snorunt.

"Wow this should be pretty easy," thought Derrick.

However, Derrick had underestimated his opponent's speed. The snorunt was already far out of the line of fire by the time Chimchar realized his attack had missed.
The Snorunt returned with an Ice Shard.

"Chimchar dodge."

Chimchar jumped over the attack, but, just as the Ice Shard was under Chimchar the Snorunt used Headbutt and sent Chimchar to the snow covered ground.

"Chimchar are you okay"?

"Char," Chimchar stated as he shook his head

"Okay Chimchar be careful, this Snorunt is pretty fast"

Derrick commanded Chimchar to use Dig, soon Chimchar was under the snow, into the hard ground. The Snorunt seemed confused and went over to the hole where Chimchar had dug. Snorunt was preparing an attack, however, just as Snorunt was about to send out an attack. Chimchar sprung up from the ground and attacked with another Ember. Snorunt was hit, and seemed hurt.

"I have to hurry," thought Derrick.

He grabbed a Pokeball from his bookbag, and threw it at Snorunt, who was breathing heavily near a bush. A bright light engulfed Snorunt. The Pokeball shook...
Once
Twice...
All of a sudden the Pokeball burst open, and with it the wild Snorunt. Derrick was in shock and could hardly believe the Pokemon had broken free. Derrick took his eyes off the Snorunt for two seconds to grab his last Pokeball, however, when he searched for the Snorunt, it was gone.

"Chimchar where did Snorunt go"?

"Chim," said Chimchar.

Derrick was going to search for the Snorunt ,but, just as he began his search; another strong blizzard appeared out of nowhere. Derrick knew he couldn't find the Snorunt in this weather and the Snorunt was surely far away from here. He returned his Pokemon, to Chimchar's dismay, and quickly made his way to Snowpoint City Pokemon Center where he slept for the night. Derrick went to bed, anxiously waiting for his battle with Candice tomorrow.

Derrick awoke bright and early, he wanted to prepare before his first gym battle. His pokemon were fully healed and were ready the battle. Finally ready, he made his way to Snowpoint Gym. When he first layed eyes on the gym, he could barely speak.

"Hello,"said a voice behind him.

Upon closer inspection, the voice belonged to Snowpoint Gym leader Candice.

"Uh ah," Derrick fumbled on his words.

"Um.. Do you need anything," said Candice.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so overwhelmed. My name is Derrick from Pastoria City. I would like to challenge your gym."

"Hello Derrick, Your brother told me you were coming. I accept your challenge against the Snowpoint Gym; We can start now."

Derrick was amazed, and followed Candice to the battle area to proceed with his match. The corridors in the gym had many other battles going on. Candice told Derrick that these trainers were her students and helped her run the gym. The battle field was filled with ice covered boulders, and certain parts of the ground were ice covered and seemed slippery.

"Here are the rules,"said Candice.
"2 vs 2
Only challengers can switch Pokemon
Everything else is fair game."

Derrick listened with an anxious look on his face. Although, it seemed like everything was going by so fast.

"I'll send first,"said Candice.

"Go Sneasel."

The confident Pokemon burst out of its Pokeball, with an almost creepy grin on its face.

"I guess i'm next, go Shellos,"said Derrick

Shellos had an advantage, having no feet. He could not slip on the ice covered floor. The two Pokemon stared down each other until the referee, waived his flag.

"Begin," said the ref.

Candice wasted no time, she told Sneasel to use Quick Attack. The attack caught Shellos off guard.

"Shellos use Mud Bomb."

"Sneasel dodge the attack."

Sneasel jumped to the side of the attack,however, when the Mud Bomb made contact with the floor, it exploded and the explosion hit Sneasel.

"Sneasel... It's ok, use Ice Shard on Shellos."

Sneasel created a huge sphere of ice from its mouth which reflected the lights in the room and created a faint rainbow above the arena. Sneasel sent the attack torward Shellos. It tried to do dodge, but the lights from the Ice Shard threw off Shellos. Ice Shard made contact with Shellos and knocked him into an icy boulder. Shellos was hurt.

"Use Recover Shellos," said Derrick.

Candice looked in shock,"I forgot about Recover."

Candice seemed somewhat unsure, however, that turned to confidence when she commanded Sneasel to use Slash. The attack hit Shellos at a blinding speed. Derrick had hoped for Sneasel to get close;

"Shellos use Muddy Water."

Before being knocked back into a large boulder, Sneasel used Slash again. When the water cleared, and both the trainers examined their Pokemon, it was clear who the winners were.

"Shellos and Sneasel are unable to battle, the first battle is a draw. Send your last Pokemon," said the ref.

"Go Chimchar,"said Derrick.

"Let's win this... Abomasnow."

Derrick had a huge advantage, but Candice had more experience.

"Chimchar use Flamewheel"

Derrick was hoping for a direct hit,however, Abomasnow used Mist. The Mist made it impossible for Derrick or Chimchar to see where to attack. Abomasnow was used to the Mist. After a brief silence, Abomasnow came charging out of the Mist with a Ice Punch, ready to attack. The Ice Punch hit Chimchar and sent him out of the Mist and into a boulder on the battle field. Although the attack didn't do much damage, the collison with the boulder did.

"Yes Abomasnow, we're gonna win this," said Candice.
"Chimchar... are you okay," said Derrick.

"Chaaar," returned Chimchar.

"I know your hurt Chimchar, but we can win this."

"Use Flamewheel," said Derrick.

When Chimchar was close to Abomasnow, Candice commanded it to use Ice Punch again. However, Derrick told Chimchar to aim to the cieling. Once above Abomasnow, Chimchar used Flamethrower. An attack that severely hurt Abomasnow.

"Abomasnow use ingrain," said Candice

"Don't let it it recover; Finsh it off with a Flamewheel."

Just as Chimchar was going to attack, Abomasnow caught Chimchar mid-attack.

"Abomasnow use Ice Punch",said Candice.

The Ice Punch hit Chimchar into the wall of the arena. Derrick was sure it was over, and that they lost. As the hope in Derrick's heart faded, he heard a loud growl. He turned around to see Chimchar with flames surronding it.

"Blaze," he thought.

"What is that," screamed Candice.

"Chimchar Flamewheel," said Derrick.

Chimchar used Flamewheel, however this time it was different. His attack was much more powerful. Abomasnow used Ice Punch again, but it was too slow.
PSHHHHHHH! Smoke filled the room, the anxious trainers and the refferee waited to see who the winner of the gym battle was. Finally, after a while the smoke cleared.

"Abomasnow is unable to battle, Chimchar wins."

"The winner of the battle is Derrick of Pastoria City," said the ref.

"Congratulations Derrick," said Candice
"I can't remember the last time I battled so vigorously. Well you are the winner so here is your badge."

Derrick recieved his first badge, and was soo proud of his Pokemon and himself. He thanked the ref and Candice, left the gym, and started on his journey to his next gym battle. A short way down the road, he heard something walking behind him. He turned around to find the Snorunt he had battled earlier following him.

"Snorunt what are you doing here," said Derrick.

"Snorunt-snow."

"So you want a rematch?"

"Snoow-runt," Snorunt replied as he shook his head yes.

"Well then... Go Chimchar"

Snorunt didn't waste anytime, it started off with an Icy Wind. The attack chilled Chimchar,however, he returned with an Ember. The Snorunt dodged it, an the attack melted an ice covered tree behind Snorunt. Distracted Snorunt charged at Chimchar with a Headbutt. Chimchar got up from the cold ground and used Fire Spin; once enclosed Snorunt used Double Team, and dodged Chimchar's attack. Snorunt then used Headbutt again. Chimchar waited until the last moment and dodged, Snorunt had collided with a large tree trunk.

"Chimchar finish this off with Flamethrower," said Derrick.

He didn't waste any time. With Snorunt injured near the tree, Derrick pulled out his last Pokeball from his bag.

"I hope this works,this is my last Pokeball," said Derrick.

Derrick threw the Pokeball at Snorunt, a bright light engulfed the Pokemon, and then the Pokeball began to shake; just like the previous time.
The Pokeball shook,
Once,
Twice,
Three times...

 

just a quick comment:

^ from the grading group and grader information sticky

Notible exceptions include: stories that have befriending instead of capture, mulitple captures in the story, and a serious plot related event that happens afterwards, so please just end the story with the ball shaking.

 

Thank you I will change the ending.

 

Claimed. And I'm excited to see how your second story looks, grasshopper.

 

Intro: Your intro is good. We open on Derrick, freezing in the snow. I already know your character, but for those who don't, it gave them a good introduction. The intro makes the reader interested, but you still forgot one thing: TO DESCRIBE YOUR MAIN CHARACTER. This is important, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you'll do this next time, m'kay?

Plot: Your plot was simple, but it was a bit different than most unoriginal Trainer Finds Pokemon In Wild, Catches It stories. You lost Snorunt the first time, you fought a gym leader, and you used your Pokemon's ability in battle. That's good. I never see people do that, but it's really interesting to see how those work in stories. Good job, here.

Dialogue: You didn't have much dialogue, but from what you did have, I could tell that there wasn't really anything wrong with it. You had some grammar errors, but you had much less than last time.

Grammar: Even though I pointed out a lot of stuff, your grammar wasn't really that bad. You've improved a lot, and I can tell that all you need is more practice.

That should be a comma, not a semicolon:

Like this:

Detail:

You need a comma in here:

Like this:

This needs to be seaparated into two sentences:

Like this:

You made a your/you're switch here:

It's an easy mistake to make, but just remember, you're means you are. Your is just your. It should be:

This is a there/their switch:

Remember, their shows posession, there describes something, and they're means they are. It should be:

Change the exclamation point to a comma:

Like so:

This needs to be two different sentences:

Like this:

You need a comma here:

It should be:

You need to move your commas around here:

Like this:

You need a comma here:

Like so:

This semicolon needs to be a comma:

Like so:

You have a spelling error here:

That should be:

That comma needs to be a question mark:

Like so:

Here's some capitalization errors:

Like this:

Even though these are the battle rules, they should still be in normal dialogue format:

That should be:

Spelling error:

It should be:

This needs to be a period:

Like so:

Your grammar was much better than last time, though you still need some practice.

Detail: You did MUCH better on this story. You still didn't describe your main character, but you at least made an attempt at describing Pokemon, and you did a pretty good job with the Pokemon's moves, and your story's setting. Like I said earlier: You had better describe your main character next time. Also, try to describe the Pokemon in your story a little more.

Length: You needed 10k for a Snorunt, and you had 11.9k, so you're good.

Reality: There was nothing unrealistic about your story, except that Chimchar got a scarf and was suddenly no longer cold at all. Maybe it was a magic Pokemon scarf, though. In any case, it wasn't a big deal.

Personal Feelings: Honestly, I am proud of you. Your grammar and amount of detail are much better than your last story, and that's what graders love to see: improvement. Your story was an average one, but with a few original events thrown in. I'm going to have to say...

Outcome: Snorunt...captured.


You still need to improve your grammar and detail, but everyone does. It just requires practice and dedication. I'm happy with how much you've improved, and gladly give you your Snorunt: