Mt.Bristle(Enter Team Skull)

"Braixen Flamethrower!"Connor commanded. He was exploring a Rocky Mountain and wanted to train Braixen to become stronger. Braixen defeated a wild machop. Connor brought all 3 of his Pokémon in order to become a better trainer and employee. He knew that if he kept working hard,He could be getting a promotion to Field cheif. The real reason Connor came out here was to catch a Starly. Growing up in sinnoh Connor always saw starlys in his back yard.He was beginning to feel home sick and thought catching a starly would make him feel better.

Meanwhile piplup and Grovyle we're beating up a few geodudes using leaf blade and bubble beam.
Connor noticed that all three of his Pokémon were not being challenged by any of the wild Pokémon,due to all three of them having type advantages. He thought about leaving the area because he wanted to give his Pokémon a challenge. He was already at the peak anyway so turning back seemed like the only option. Connor would have to leave without a starly.

Just as he turned around Grovyle was hit by a psyshock! Connor turned to look at Braixen,but soon realized that Braixen didn't fire the psyshock. He then saw a Drowzee followed by two team skull grunts.Connor was mad that they hurt Grovyle and he was not going to let them get away with it.Connor noticed that the team skull grunts had a cage with a couple starly in it. One of the grunts dropped the cage and called out a zubat. Connor signaled grovyle to use dig and free the starly while Braixen and piplup battle zubat and drowzee.

The team skull grunts ordered leech life from zubat and signal beam from drowzee. However Braixen used fire blast to block the attacks as piplup used ice beam on zubat. Zubat took a ton of damage but still seemed okay.However drowzee used psycho cut on Braixen witch did a lot of damage.Meanwhile Grovyle was hiding behind a rock waiting to make his move.While he was waiting he used sunny day and synthesis to heal himself.

Piplup and Braixen still seemed to be in good shape despite the damage they took.The team skull grunts weren't looking to good but they refused to retreat.Connor over heard them saying that zubat and drowzee were male.This gave Connor an idea.He told Braixen to use Attract on zubat and drowzee.The team skull grunts were mad at There Pokémon for falling for such a stupid thing.Zubat and drowzee were completely oblivious to There trainers because of attract.All they could focus on was looking at Braixen.

Connor decided there was only one way to finish this battle was with piplup.He pulled out the z crystal tapu finni left for him from the drenched bluff.Then piplup and Connor did some similar poses.Piplup was now surrounded in z power.Finally the penguin Pokémon used hydro vertex on the infatuated drowzee and zubat,knocking out both of them.The team Skull grunts retreated and said that they would remember this.

Connor checked on his Pokémon to make sure they were all healthy.Connor then noticed the team skull grunts left behind the cage with all the starlys.Grovyle smashed the cage open and aall the starlys flew away.Connor was glad that the starlys were all safe and thought that he was representing the aether foundation very well.

Connor heard chirping from the cage.There was a starly with a level ball next to it.Starly pecked the ball towards Connor.It seemed that starly wanted to go with Connor on his journey.Connor took the ball and threw at starly.Starly stayed in it.Now Connor had another member to his team.He left the area and returned to base.


(WRITING FOR MONEY)

 

claimed!

 

LENGTH


You had a length of about 3,500 characters (including spaces). This puts you in the range of an easiest rank story, but CHARACTER COUNT ISN’T EVERYTHING!!!


CHARACTERS/DESCRIPTIONS



In my opinion, description is one of the most important aspects of a story. I like to imagine these characters come to life in my head. That being said, I don’t know what Connor looks like. Just adding in subtle descriptions in your story goes a long way. Try something like this:

See? Even the slightest change can give your story an entirely different feel. Next up: the Pokémon. You should always assume you reader doesn’t know what Connor’s partners look like. Adding in bits and pieces of a character’s description goes a long way in your story. (and adds a bit of character count too!) Since I know you weren’t going for a harder rank, the Team Skull descriptions weren’t as important, so I’ll give you a pass on that.


Lastly on this section, describe their movements! If Braixen uses Fire Blast, how does she do it? You say Piplup ad Connor do similar movements to activate the Z Move, how do they move? What happens? What does Hydro Vortex Look like?


PLOT



This story reminded me of the Anime episodes where Ash gets a new Pokémon. He finds an abused Pokémon, fights off an evil team or person, and the Pokémon decides to follow him around. I like these kinds of stories! I think your story was delivered great! Good job!


GRAMMAR


Let’s start with some spelling errors I found.


Hydro Vortex instead of Hydro Vertex. Tapu Fini instead of Tapu Finni. Overheard is one word. And chief not cheif.


Next, is your capitalization. You were switching around on wether you capitalize Pokémon and moves. On one hand, Braixen, Piplup and Tapu Fini are capitalized, but Zubat, Starly, and Drowzee weren’t. It doesn't matter if you choose to capitalize them or not (because they are fictional characters) but if you choose one, stick with it! The same goes for Pokémon moves, choose whether to capitalize them or not, then STICK WITH IT!!


Next, is some grammar issues. A lot of people mix these up, so don’t fret about it!! You mixed up “were” with “we’re” (though I think that was just a formatting error instead of mixing them up). Here’s the real stuff:


They’re, there, and their:



THEY’RE: Short for “they are”

THERE: Used to show location

THEIR: Used to show possession


Two, too, and to:



TWO: 2

TOO: As well

TO: Location, i.e. going to the store


Next is tense. In some of your sentences, you switched from past to present tense:

should look something like this:

Lastly, are your transitions. Whenever you have a transition, you should use a comma. For example:

should looks something like:

Lastly, spacing. None of your sentences have a space after them. ALWAYS put a space after a comma and period. ALWAYS!


OUTCOME



Seeing as Origami went over some of these grammatical issues in your first story, I’m going to have to say, requirement not met. I would like you to go back and fix the grammatical errors I listed here. After you're done with that, tell me so I can regrade your story! Good Luck!