Mother

Mother
Dedicated to all mothers and their hard work, especially mine who worries night and day about my safety and health.


Chapter 1: Protect Me​

A small room with rock posters and the scent of Hot Topic Vampume was littered with shirts, pants, and undergarments. Peace and love posters hung behind the Metallica and Slipknot posters as unkempt as possible. A dresser with faded stickers of suns, stars, and moons had pictures of a little girl with blond pigtails and a pick, floral dress held hands with a tall, happy man in a suit. Joy and memories were the only remnants that the pictures could give anymore. This room belonged to the little girl in the photo except now she was an acne-struggling, self-conscious, neurotic teen. She had cut off her pigtails and got short, black, spiky hair and a pierced nose.

She sat by the dresser and opened one of the lower drawers. She pulled out her usual wear, skinny jeans, a low cut rock tee shirt, and converse shoes. Already clothed in a very similar outfit, she turned next to her on the ground and put the new clothes into an open suitcase half-way stuffed with the same material. She kept digging through her clothes and threw the shirt and pants she didn’t want out of the way. She found a few more shirts and shoved them into the suitcase; she could’ve cared less about folding and being neat and organized. She pushed past a few more pairs of pants when she saw a plaid piece of hard plastic. She wedged her fingers threw the compressed pairs of blue and black jeans to grab the object. When she lifted it she immediately recognized it. It was a photo album she had stuffed away in her drawers for years.

She wiped the covering off with her shirt, which did nothing because there was no dust on it, and she continued to open the book. Each picture had a the little girl with blond pigtails and a tall man either standing with her, holding her, hugging her, or playing with her. These pictures were on every page of the book, bound to the past and kept in time forever. The girl turned each page with a nostalgic sigh. She skimmed over each picture remembering every moment. She then turned the page to one big picture of her father. There he was with in his sharp U.S. Marine uniform. She remembered whenever he gave her a kiss on her forehead she would feel his sharp chin with scratchy bristles. His hat covering up his short black hair, and his intense eyes struck fear in everybody, but her, it struck giggle gold.

She put her hand over the picture as she squeezed out a salty tear and swallowed the lump in her throat. Her breathing was shallow, but she managed to gather enough to speak,

“I loved you da-”

“Ashley!” Interrupting from upstairs was a skinny woman with wide hips. Her voice was sharp yet calm. At the sound of her voice Ashley rolled her eyes and bit her lower lip I frustration.
“What do you want, Debra?” Ashley chimed back trying to get her out of the room. Debra walked down the staircase into the old basement, now Ashley’s room, and zipped up the suitcase.

“I think this is enough packing." She told her. "We’re only going to be gone for five days.” She looked over Ashley’s shoulder and noticed the picture of her father. She sighed in remorse. “I know… I miss him too. Charles was a great husband, but an even more wonderful father. I understand it’s hard, but we can get through it together-”

“No, we won’t,” Ashley retorted, “, I will get over it at my own speed, I don’t need you with your clichéd attitude and your 1950’s cropped curls. Can't you just leave me alone?! It’s hard enough losing him without you always telling me it’s hard, okay?”

Ashley glared at Debra. She tried to summon up same intensity her father had in his eyes, but she failed without noticing.

Debra raised her hands and said, “I understand, but as your mother I was just trying to console you.”

“No, you’re just my step-mother, okay? And as my step-mother I need you to leave me the hell alone.” Ashley snapped back. Facing Debra always made her angry.

Debra shook her head as she walked away and said, “I’ll be ready in the shuttle bus. Come up when you are.”

Ashley waited until Debra had left and closed the door before she unzipped the suitcase and continued packing. She had everything she was going to need; ten pairs of shirts, ten pairs of skinny jeans, three pairs of converse high-top shoes, a soft blanket, a small pillow, bathroom essential, and an extra nose ring. She looked around for anything she could’ve missed- there at her feet there was a photo album. She picked it up, opened it to the page with her father in his uniform, and carefully slipped the photograph out. Placing it in her suitcase, she zipped it all up, grabbed the handle, and ran up the stairs.

The bus arrived at a small airport. They got off and carried their luggage up to a small, six-passenger airplane. The plane itself looked old, but able to fly. It would take them from their summer home in New Zealand and to Sydney, Australia where they would stay. Debra explained to Ashley what would occur over the next week. “So we’re going to Sydney and staying there overnight. The next day is the viewing when people can come in and see him and give us their condolences. Then the day after that is the actual funeral, and after that his body will be shipped to the U.S.A. We’ll fallow him over on the fourth day and have another funeral there in the U.S before we finally come back home to New Zealand”

Debra looked over at Ashley who was obviously not paying any attention. She was staring at the clouds high over the tarmac, daydreaming at the clouds about what it would be like to escape this life she hated, and exchange it for a wild, free, and adventurous one. Debra sigh and walked over and tapped Ashley’s shoulder. Ashley turned only to hear Debra start to lecture her,

“Did you listen to any of that? I don’t have the time to repeat all of it and explain it again and then probably for a third time.”

“Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?” Ashley cried out trying to seek out sympathy while retaining her independence.

Debra raised an eyebrow, pursed her lips, turned, and started walking proudly back to the decrepit plane as she said, “Come on the plane now, and stop quoting Green Day.”

Ashley grunted.

"This woman irritates me!" she muttered to herself in rage and she boarded the small plane.

Both strapped themselves into the two front seats as a crotchety old man boarded the plane. He had an old war pilot's hat. He stood in the middle of the aisle and said with a British accent, “I shall to be your pilot for today.”

He accidentally burped in the middle of his sentence and had to pause, “, so if you will all please strap in I shall have us on our way soon enough. Our emergency exit is that door over there,” he paused to gesture at the door, “it opens by its handle and will completely come off. Parachutes are located in a pile next to the door. You put it on like a backpack and jump. Once you reach a safe distance away from the plane you pull the ripcord and the chute will open right up. Right… let’s get a move on, then.” The pilot sat down in the front seat and started pushing buttons and checking instruments. Ashley noticed that the plane smelled of old rust and dusty blankets. The engines puttered for a few moments, but quickly started up, spinning the propellers. Soon they were off in the air, soaring through the light cloud cover. The plane didn’t ride very smoothly; it was bumpy and shook wildly as they flew. Debra and Ashley grasped the armrests tighter as the flight continued.

A few hours had passed by as they floudered through the skies like a vibrating back massager skimming through pudding. Neither of the two women could sleep because of the jostling. Finally Debra spoke up and screamed over the engine noise: “Why haven’t we landed yet?”

The pilot raised his head to speak back at them while not taking his eyes off of the skies.

“We ought to have seen the Sydney Airport by now, but I don’t even see a building in the horizon, just land. Can't raise the control tower either.”

Debra’s eyes bulged in shock. “You mean we’re lost!?”

She looked back at Ashley who was again staring at the clouds and daydreaming about a better life. These clouds, though, were different; dark and towering instead of white and fluffy. The storm clouds were grim and flickered with lightning every once and a while, but they were at a safe distance away. Debra didn’t want Ashley to panic so she tried controlling her breathing and attempted to calm down. A pilot leaned back and said to them again,

“I’m going to try and overshoot these storm clouds and climb above them. I'll wager this storm messing with my instruments and that's probably why we haven't seen Sydney yet. Odds are Sydney is on the other side of this storm.” He started pulling up on the control yoke, the plane reflecting the motion. They climbed as they entered the clouds.


Then as they cleared the clouds a flock of Pidgey came hurtling toward them. The old pilot tried to avoid them by veering over to the right, but it did no good. One Pidgey burst through the window annihilating itself on impact with the pilot’s chest and rendering him unconscious. The pilot slammed forward onto the instruments, sending the plane into a dive. The sound of glass smashing, howling winds, and Debra's screaming snapped Ashley out of her petulant daydreams. She had no time to react as Debra lunged at her. She unbuckled herself and Ashley, holding her with one arm and grasping the seats as if their life depended on it. She grabbed one of the parachute backpacks and gave it to Ashley. As Ashley hurriedly put it on Debra opened the emergency door and said, “I’ll be right behind you, I promise. Whatever happens, just know that I love you Ashley.” Before Ashley could say anything Debra shoved her out of the plane and into the air.

Before she could do anything else, another Pidgey flew right into one of the planes engines. The engine exploded, the jolt knocking Debra into the air, but she managed to hold onto one of the seats. She hung on dangling out of the plane as it plunging toward the clouds. Perversely, it was only now that they cleared, allowing her to see Australia below. She started to reach for one of the parachutes, but faltered. Her arms weren’t long enough, but she had to, she couldn’t let another one of Ashley’s parents die, not for a third time. She finally grabbed a string and then, the entire bag, but it was too late. The plane was already skimming tops of trees and Debra was getting pummeled by protruding branches. She opened the parachute and jumped from the plane. As she began her fall the Pidgey-fouled engine exploded, triggering the one on the other side of the plane to blow up as well.

Ashley fell from the sky as the plane soared off to its doom. She searched for the cords to pull until she found one. When she pulled it, the parachute shot out of the bag, but it didn’t open, sending her into free-fall. She somehow didn't scream but searched for a way to open the chute. Finally the wind hit the chute just right, opening up and yanking her upwards. It was far too late, though, as Ashley had fallen too far. The chute was only able to lessen the fall instead of halt it entirely. Ashley hit the ground hard with a massive thud, sending out plumes of dust. She was instantly knocked unconscious as the parachute settled over her body.

 

Chapter 2: A Mother’s Nature​

When Debra fell her parachute got tangled in the branches of the trees around her. The straps of the backpack slammed into her shoulders as they broke her fall. This caused the air to be knocked out of her and she hung gasping for air. When she caught her breath she looked around her surroundings; trees, dirt, dessert, and dead bushes were the only things around her. The rest of the debris from the plane crashed about a half a mile away from where she was, but she could still hear it. She looked up and saw the smoke trail in the sky start to blow away. She fallowed the trail with her eyes to as far as she could see and marked what direction it was in, in her head. Debra thought of Ashley and could only hope she was okay. Emotion flooded through her and she could feel herself letting go of the hold she had over her tears. She tightened her neck to try and stop the knot in her throat get any higher and she sniffed continuously.

She kept repeating to herself in her head, ‘It’s going to be okay, everything will be fine.’ It started to calm her nerves, but she started having second thoughts scream at her, ‘What if Ashley is harmed? What if they don’t realize we’re gone? What if no one finds us and we starve? What if an animal or Pokémon comes and attacks, or devours us? What if Ashley gets attacked? What if she is unable to move? What if she’s… dead?’ Debra shook her head as tears sprinkled out and she screamed, “No!” She started panting heavily gathering herself together.

She searched around her again for a way to escape hanging from the parachute. There were some branches below her, but they were scattered and looked a little thin. However, they were the only way to get down without completely freefalling. She hoped for the best, thought of Jesus and God in her head and thought, ‘It’s for Ashley’s safety.’ She pulled one arm through the backpack and held on it with the other. She slowly lowered herself and then let go. She fell and smashed into the braches. They sort of caught her, but they all broke. Human reaction forced out her hands as she fell to the ground. Her hands hit first, but her head took the most damage.

Dazed and a bit dizzy Debra looked up trying to focus her vision. Everything was blurry and she tried rubbing her eyes. She failed as she also attempted to stand up. Debra stumbled and fell, but tried again and finally stood. She was still dizzy and her eyes were still a little fuzzy. She kept stumbling as her sense of balance swerved about, but she kept her stance. When everything became visible again she realized she was a bit further than where she had dropped from. All the stumbling had lead her away from where the backpack and parachute hung. She looked up in the sky for the smoke, but couldn’t see it. She searched a little more from where she thought it was, but didn’t find it. She was puzzled at the fact that it could disappear so quickly. She turned around and saw the faded remnants of the smoke trail. She looked at one direction… and then the other, but couldn’t figure out which way was the way they started crashing from and which way the plane had actually crashed.

Debra started sweltering up again with tears, but took in a deep breath and kept her cool. It was a fifty-fifty chance of going in the right direction and if she went the wrong way it was only about a half-mile and she could make that before the sun set, even though it was already into the evening. She gathered herself together and chose to go left.

Debra sweated consistently as she wondered throughout the Australian outback. She whipped her forehead of sweat as each step felt hotter and hotter. She felt like she was burning up, as if steam was creeping up from her skin. Then she caught smell of gasoline and a burning wood. She looked up and scouted the area ahead of her. She spotted smoke rising up a little further in the distance. She assumed it was the right way to Ashley and thought Ashley had created a fire. She was sure of it; Ashley was intelligent, watched those ‘Survivor Man and Pokémon’ show all the time, so it was obviously instinct that took over and Ashley created a fire. Debra sighed and tears built up at the corners of her eyes as she ran toward the smoke.

“Ashley!” she called out, “Ashley, I coming!” She came upon a think bush that blocked her from the smoking area. Debra giggled a bit about the ordeal as she pushed back the bushed and her eyes widened. Debra’s smiled quickly shot down to an astonished look and her face was lit up from the fire. A wild blaze consumed the area in front of her and pressed against her harshly. Pokémon scurried about trying to escape, or stop the flames. Cracking and wood chipping snapped here and there as the fire burned on. Debra’s hopes and thoughts about this being her daughter burned up along with the trees and bushes around her.

A small cry came from below her. She felt a tugging on her Capri pants and she looked down still awe-struck. The little cry for help came from a little purple dinosaur with a brown saucer top and two little yellow horns sticking out from the side of its head. Its glossy eyes gleamed at Debra as it cried out again. The baby Kangaskhan was on its belly, crawling away from the inferno. Its leg was injured and burnt; trying to move only made it worse so it cried for its mother, but only Debra was around to hear it.

Her motherly instincts kicked in and she picked it up and cradled it in her arms. It kept cry out as Debra shushed it and rocked back and forth. A branch snapped inside the blaze and fell. This shook Debra out of her daze and she once again became aware of the fire. It would engulf everything around her if she didn’t do something. She started kicking sand at the fire in an attempt to slow it down. A few Mankey swung by trying to escape the flames and saw Debra’s attempt to stop it. They looked at each other and nodded. The three of them rushed over and started using their sand attack on the flames. Debra noticed them, but only with her peripheral vision she saw them. She concentrated on the flames. More Pokémon running by also saw them showing the flames with sand.

Now Rattatas, Cubones, and Poochyenas dashed over and were scratching at the ground throwing sand onto the blaze. A Farfetch’d from nearby flew over and flapped its wings blowing sand on the fire. Now a barrage of sand attacks plus Debra kicking sand inundated the fire as it slowly started to die down. Minutes of intense kicking and rising emotions passed by as the flames fought back, but they couldn’t withstand the Pokémon and Debra. A few floating embers landed on the tips of branches and started to ignite the trees, but Primapes and other Pokémon in the trees put them out before they could get started. Since the sand blocked the fire from spreading the rest of the fire eventually, after a few minutes or so, burned itself out. The wild Pokémon cheered together and the smoldering bushes and trees ceased to burn.


Debra held onto the baby Kangaskhan as slipped away to sleep in her rocking arms. She huffed her bangs out from her face and shook her head. As she did that something caught her eye; a burnt metallic object behind the charred bushes and trees. She looked closer, but couldn’t see it completely. The wild Pokémon dispersed as Debra walked closer to the object. She pushed against burnt tree branches and stepped over black bushes until she reached the object. It was the plane that they were on hours ago. She looked inside the open door and saw all their luggage they had was burnt and destroyed.

Debra sighed and looked down on the sleeping Kangaskhan baby. She looked around the area and saw no Kangaskhan around. She realized she hadn’t seen one since she arrived. This baby Kangaskhan had obviously been separated from its mother. Debra felt like it was her duty not only as a mother, but as a human being to help this poor creature return to its family in the wild. The sun was getting low and it started to get dark. Soon nightfall would be around them and Debra knows that nighttime is a lot worse in the desert than daytime. The heat may be gone, but the cold will start to set in, and the predators and nocturnal animals and Pokémon will start to prowl.

Debra climbed into the crashed plane and scuttled over to a corner. She looked around for anything that could cover her and the baby Kangaskhan. She saw a charred cylinder with a clasp on it and a sticker. The sticker had been burnt to a crisp, but Debra recognized it; it was a fire blanket. She thought to herself, ‘How ironic’. She opened it up and out fell a dark green blanket. She pulled it over to the corner and covered up herself and the baby Pokémon completely as she tried to sleep. She needed rest after a day like that, and also she needed strength for tomorrows walk; she was going to try to find Ashley again and if possible the baby Kangaskhan’s mother. Debra felt the world upon her shoulders and tried to think to herself that Ashley is perfectly fine and most likely trying to find her too. Debra thought this, but soon let go of this theory as she thought that Ashley was completely happy that she is no where near her.

Ashley never liked Debra since the day her father met her. There had always been an awkward tension between the two and Ashley seamed to thrive off of it. Debra’s depressing thoughts saddened her as she started to realize the magnitude of the situation. Debra slowly cried herself to sleep as she hoped for the best for Ashley and now the Baby Kangaskhan.

 

Chapter 3: Misunderstood​

Cicadas buzzed obnoxiously in the background as Ashley’s eyelids opened slightly. The yellow parachute that covered her was glowing lightly from the sun. She moaned and rubbed her eyes just waking up from being knocked out by hitting the ground so violently. She swallowed and instantly she tasted blood. This woke her up as it trickled down her throat. She wiped her nose and scrapped off dried blood; she realized she had bled from it. Ashley sat up and threw the parachute off of her only for it to land on something as it hissed at her. Ashley screamed and kicked at the object underneath the parachute. The thing jumped out scurrying away. Ashley only screamed louder as she noticed it was a giant Ariados.

She panted heavily, hands to her chest, and quickly rising to her feet. She stumbled as hypertension almost made her blackout again. She looked around her surroundings hoping to scope out some kind of help. The only things around her were bushels of trees and brush and dried desert ground. She sniffed and scratched off the remaining blood from under her nose and kept searching for something to happen.

A hysterical roar came bellowing from the distance. Ashley turned around and shot a glace in the area where it came from. It sounded like a beast crying out of anger, or some kind of ravishing monster getting ready to attack, ‘But attack what?’ Ashley thought. The only thing around was her and some trees. She started to shake as she kept watching and flinched as another roar was released from whatever was off in the distance. She heard some branches being snapped and destroyed as a giant Kangaskhan appeared out of a thicket of trees about forty yards away from Ashley. Ashley squinted here eyes to combat the rising sun as she saw the enormous Pokémon galumphing out of the trees.

The Kangaskhan was fully grown and seamed to be searching for something. It kept crying out as its cries began to somewhat resemble a whimper. Ashley focused harder on it and saw that its pouch was empty. There was no baby Kangaskhan inside of it, which was very odd because Ashley loves watching Pokémon Planet back at home and every time they showed a Kangaskhan it had a baby in its pouch. Ashley also remembered that when a mother Kangaskhan has lost its baby it will go on a rampage until the baby is found and is best to avoid it.

Ashley looked around and decided it was best to leave it alone and to leave her crash site. She thought it would be wise to go into the bushel of trees adjacent to the ones the Kangaskhan came out of to avoid it as best as possible. She escaped into the trees and searched her pockets. She felt a small rectangle in her back pocket and hope rushed through her. She pulled out her cell phone and opened it up speaking to herself about how thankful she’ll be if it worked. The screen lit up as it turned on and Ashley let out a relieving, “Yes!” The screen darkened as a message popped up reading: ‘No Service Found’. Ashley’s shoulders dropped along with her vital spirit. She returned her cell phone to her pocket as she continued walking in the forest.

She started dragging her feet become more bored as time passed. She hadn’t seen any life since the Kangaskhan and nothing has happened. Being the attention-whore teenager who believes she has A.D.D., A.D.H.D., or some other kind of disorder to make herself ‘different’ walking aimlessly for hours is boring, even though it’s a life or death situation. She kept going and everyone once and a while she would check her phone for service, but never got any. Then, after taking a break for bathroom needed necessities, Ashley heard some sniffling and whining. It wasn’t too far from where she was before, and it also wasn’t the kind of crying she heard earlier, this kind was a more childish, innocent kind of crying that a toddler would give out.

Ashley fallowed the noise and found a clearing where a small Cubone was sitting with his hand up to his facing smudging the tears away. It sniffled and lamented out as it cried some more. Ashley frowned and put her hand over her heart as she approached it. She knew what it was like to be all alone and no one there to care for you. So watching this little Pokémon cry because it’s lonely made her start to tear up. She got closer as she began to speak, “Oh you little cutie, don’t cry I’m here for you. Please, let me help you out and-” The Cubone jumped off of the rock and ran of in a panic. Ashley was shocked to watch the Cubone act like that. She never thought of herself has scary, or threatening.

She looked down depressed as she saw a little bone club lying next to where Cubone had been sitting. She realized that in Cubone’s panic he had left his little bone club. She knew she had to return it so she bent over to pick it up. Behind her, creeping up slowly was a pack of wild Mightyenas. They were barring their teeth, but staying quiet, as if they were stalking pray. Ashley stood back up and brushed off the bone club as she heard a growl and a bark come from right behind her. She jumped and turned around seeing about five or six Mightyenas. The leader of the pack was taking slow steps toward her, backing her up against a tree. Ashley could feel her heart in her chest pound against her body ferociously. She took her final step bumping into the tree trunk behind her. The leader Mightyena took its final step as it lunged at her. Ashley covered herself with her arm as she yelled out and closed her eyes. She heard a thump and then a crunch and a yelp coming from the Mightyena.

Ashley opened her eyes to see the childless Kangaskhan standing in front of her, arm extended in a fist, and the Mightyena on the ground a ways away from her. The Kangaskhan shot Ashley a glance without moving and winked at her telling her secretly that she was there to protect her. Ashley was stunned and watched as the Mightyena got back up and growled at Kangaskhan. The rest of the pack growled and barred their teeth as well as the leader. Then, without a second thought, one of the Mightyenas leaped at Kangaskhan fallowed by two more attacking along with it, biting, snarling, and ganging up on the single parent Pokémon.

Kangaskhan back-fisted the first attacker, but was too slow for the other two. One of them sank their teeth into Kangaskhan’s arm as the other ravaged her forearm. Kangaskhan grabbed the one Mightyena attacking its forearm and threw it against a tree, then pried the other Mightyena’s jaw off with her hand. Once the Mightyena released Kangaskhan’s arm Kangaskhan threw it at the other Mightyena as they both yelped. The other three attacked next as the leader joined in the assault. Kangaskhan countered the leader with a shimmering Dynamic Punch to the head. She then spun around sweeping the other three Mightyenas with her tail. The leader stumbled as it tried to gain its balance dazed and confused.

Ashley watched in horror as she cheered on Kangaskhan in her head. The pack of Mightyena then jumped at once clinging onto Kangaskhan with their claws and fangs. Ashley gasped as Kangaskhan seamed to be loosing. She started to well up tears in fear that Kangaskhan might die from attempting to save her. Covered in snapping and biting Mightyenas, Kangaskhan threw its arms in the air as it gave out a thunderous roar and started to glow an ominous color. When it stopped it put its hands together and slammed them onto a couple of attacking Mightyenas. Kangaskhan noticeably moved slower, but was able to tolerate the attacks more and was greatly more powerful. Kangaskhan grabbed two other Mightyena who were attacked to her and ripped them off throwing them onto a tree. The tree snapped and broke splintering the vicious dark dog Pokémon. Kangaskhan threw the other Mightyenas off of her and grasped the leader by the tail. She threw him over her shoulder and crushed him against the ground pulverizing his leg.

Ashley heard a bone break as the leader hit the ground. When she looked at its leg she saw that it had a compound fracture, with the bone visibly sticking out of a gash in its leg. The pack of Mightyenas fled with their tails behind their legs and the leader limped away whining and howling in pain. Kangaskhan stood tall and proudly; she fought for herself and won valiantly. Kangaskhan turned around and looked at Ashley bleeding from multiple wounds. Ashley stood up from her crouched position and looked intently at Kangaskhan. She licked her lips and bit her tongue as she spoke softly, “Did you do that… for me?” The Kangaskhan slowly moved, barley moved at all at that, but Ashley stilled noticed the hidden nod in the movement.

Ashley approached the Kangaskhan disregarding any advice that some know-it-all with a television show had to say. The closer Ashley got to the Kangaskhan, the Kangaskhan huffed and scooted away, but not so much as where Ashley could still reach her. Ashley finally got close enough to touch the Kangaskhan and hugged her as she said, “Thank you, so much… I wish… I wish my step mother was like you…” Ashley started welting tears from her eyes as the Kangaskhan’s motherly nature forced her to comfort Ashley by embracing her back. The warmth of the moment made all the pain of puncture wounds in flesh dissipate into pure air. Ashley hadn’t had a moment like that since her actual mother died; where a daughter in need was helped by a wanting mother, searching and succeeding in becoming the world’s greatest mother, or at least how Ashley saw it.







Ready to be Graded
Pokemon: Kangaskhan
Charatcers: 31,060

 

Claimed.

 

COOL I KINDA LIKE IT

 

Intro: I like your intro a lot. You do a great job describing Ashley and her room. You spend time looking at the transition of her from an adorable little girl to a moody teenager. In only a few short sentences, you give a good amount of backgroung and personality. This is awesome. Good job. ^^ Not much advice I can give you here.

Plot: So we have a young teenager with two dead parents and one living step mother who she seems to be on bad terms with. The two are flying to Australia and then the US for the separate funerals. On the way, their plane crashes in the middle of the outback. The two become separated and have to survive in the harsh outback. The step mother escapes a fire and saves a baby Kangaskhan. The daughter is attacked by a pack of Mightyena and is saved by the mother Kangaskhan. What can I say? This is a kick ass plot. Also, you have freaking awesome character development. I like how the step mom cares about Ashley, but Ashley is sad about her parents' deaths and has all these complicated feelings.....My "angsty story with happy ending" sense is tingling.

Dialogue: Meh. This section is fine. Nothing too great or too terrible. The only thing I really want to mention is your coloration of the text. There's nothing wrong with it, it just, err....makes my eyes burn like a thousand suns. Actually, this story is better than some of the other ones of yours I've read in terms of the colors. At least it wasn't pale pink again....But yeah, that was it for this section.

Grammar: *winces* WHY!? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE GRAMMAR?! I'll just be brief in my descriptions of what went wrong.

Got should be gotten.

Change the first comma to a semicolon, since you're starting a list.

Already isn't a word. It should be all ready.

You need a comma between 'it' and 'she'.

You need a comma between 'picture' and 'remembering'.

This is kind of an awkward sentence. Maybe add a 'with' inbetween 'but' and 'her'.

Throw a comma in between 'voice' and 'Ashley'.


....and it goes on. Mostly it's just spelling errors and problems with commas. I would suggest rereading your stories aloud before posting them and placing commas whenever you pause. I know that sounds dumb, but it usually helps me. Also, don't feel too bad. I have a weird comma fetish where my brain randomly throws commas in places I don't need them when I'm writing. :banghead:


Detail: You did a good job with detail. You described the main characters and their surroundings pretty well. You need to work a bit harder describing the Pokemon. Pokemon that are just mentioned breifly don't need a big, long description, but it would be nice to have known what the Mightyena looked like, or the Mankey. Now that there are over 500 of the little guys, you need to describe the Pokemon that play an important part in your story in full detail. It's the subtle things that make a difference. Other than that, you're good here.

Length: You needed 30k and you have 31k. You're cutting it close, but the awesome plot makes up for it, so whatever.

Reality: The only thing that struck me as unrealistic was that Ashley survived the fall from the plane even though her parachute didn't open until it was almost too late. It reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where they jump out of the plane, fall about 10,000 feet in a freakin' life raft, and then up perfectly fine. I mean, it's possible, but not likely. Oops, I think that turned into a mini rant.

Personal Feelings: I like your story. It's creative, cute, mostly dramatic (though it throws in some comedy), and also:

I had Basket Case stuck in my head all day. :sweat:

Outcome: Kangaskhan.....captured.

You had some problems with grammar and detail, but your plot and the rest of your detail more than made up for it. Enjoy your bouncy new friend.