Midnight (ch. 1 graded)

Midnight
Chapter One: The Beginning

Target: Magikarp 3k - 5k
Characters: 8, 794 (incliding spaces); 7, 175 (excluding spaces)

Notes: This will be a longer story so it is divided into chapters. Each chapter will have different targeted Pokemon.

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It was midnight. The moon was shining over the still world. Its gentle light was touching forests and towns everywhere you could see. The sky was cloudless and the stars were shining more intensely as ever before, the gentle light of the moon fell directly on a lake, much to displeasure of its inhabitant.

A small Magikarp jumped from the water followed by several drops, which immediately beautifully sparkled lit by the moon. It was the only one left in this lake because it wished to evolve here. It could remember the tearful moment of saying goodbye to its family and friends, who, by that time, had all evolved into Gyarados. This Magikarp hadn’t and it didn‘t know why. It desperately wanted to see its family but its instincts were forcing it to stay in the lake until it evolves. The Magikarp didn’t really understand but it trusted its instincts. After all, it had no reason not to.

It thought it had overslept only to realise that it’s just the moon. It got angry when it saw the beautiful moon shining all over the area. Despite its size it was quite old and so it had learned to recognise signs and it clearly saw that something was not all right. This moon was bad news. Really bad news. It knew it had nothing to do with it but it still couldn’t help the bad feeling it had. It completely forgot its anger stared at the moon blankly, as if it was trying to see into future. Yes, it could feel the future had something amazing in store for it. But it didn’t know when the right time would come.

.:!:.

This nearly perfect stillness was disturbed by loud cries from one small house deep in a forest. If we looked closer we could see another light, no, several lights shooting into the night sky. Those were flamethrowers fired by Growlithes. Next to the house was a helicopter, which had a big red R painted on it. And then, there were some voices, voices of a family who didn’t want to be thorn apart.


“Please, don‘t take our son away. Anything but our only son.” A voice belonging to a woman sounded through the dark night. A rocket grunt just laughed as he was trying to take a baby from the woman. The woman was small and her golden hair was easily noticed due to the moonlight. Although, the grunt was taller and had a lot of muscles he had a lot of problems to take the baby. The baby didn’t like what was going on and so it was making sure that everyone knew it.

“Leave us alone! I’ve paid all the money I owed you!” Another voice, that belonged to a man joined. This man was tall and had brown hair. Five Growlithes that were firing flamethrowers around him, to make sure he wouldn’t interfere with taking the child, surrounded him. The light from the Flamethrowers gave the fur a bloody red colour matching the blood lust in their eyes

“That may be true, but you forgot about the deal. I’ll remind you of it. If you don’t pay us what you owe us, with a small interest, in 5 years, your children will be taken away.” A dark-haired handsome man in violet cloak came on the scene from the helicopter. His hair was short and messy and his bangs were combed to a side and were really long at one end while short at the other. He looked at the other man with his piercing glare and grinned.
“Hurry up and take that child away. We don’t have time to waste.” After this he turned around and headed for the helicopter again.
“Please, don’t! Take what you want! The house, the Pokemon, it’s all yours, but please, leave our son with us!” The man screamed at the dark-haired man who ignored him and continued on his way.

Meanwhile, other grunts helped to take the child and hit the woman. She hit the ground and didn’t move.
“Nessie!” Screamed the man when he saw the woman falling while he grunts were taking the screaming child to the helicopter. The Growlithes were backing, following their masters but still firing the Flamethrowers. But the man didn’t care anymore. He didn’t want to lose the thing that was dearest to him.
“If I just hadn’t made that deal! If I just hadn’t been so stupid!” The man screamed and ran towards the flames.

.:!:.

The Magikarp continued staring at the moon. It felt as if the moon was trying to tell it something. Then it looked around and saw smoke coming from the forest. It didn’t know there was a house but it knew there were some nice people who would come to visit it and throw it something to eat. At first it had been just one man but then a woman had started coming as well and a few years later, they came with something in a blanket. The Magikarp didn’t know what that thing was but it certainly found it amusing. Every time it hit the water with it’s tail the thing in the blanket would start crying and moving violently. Although, it was quite angry when those two concentrated on the thing and started talking to it instead of feeding the Magikarp, it was curious about the thing to it kept making a lot of noise, hoping it would get to see it. But it never did. When it was too noisy those two used to leave with that thing and the unhappy Magikarp was alone. It hated loneliness. The air was filled with it but when those two were around, it felt a little bit better.

And now it got a feeling that something had happened to those people. It remembered a strange dark-haired man talking to those two making the other man really angry. It hated that man because he had tried to catch it several times, thinking it had been a different Magikarp. After all, who would have expected that only one single Magikarp lived in such a big lake? But it was lucky enough to always run away when the man let his guard down. Or rather, when the other man came to its rescue but it would never admit that.

It looked again at the moon and for some strange reason it seemed to it as if it had changed it’s colour to blue. It reminded it of something but it wasn’t quite sure of what. Then suddenly it heard an amused voice: “This is what losers like you get when they mess with us!”
Yes, it was that voice it had heard back then.

.:!:.

Two boys, probably teenagers were standing beside the lake, one with dark hair and light blue eyes and the other with brown hair and green eyes. They were facing each other as if they were preparing for a fight and it wasn’t so far from happening. The dark-haired boy made a step forward and frowned. “So, you’re leaving Team Rocket?” He asked and stared at the boy in front of him, who couldn’t bear the pressure and looked away.
“I’m really sorry for it, Timothy, but it’s just not for me. We’re hurting Pokemon and people...”
Timothy was shocked; he really didn’t expect that kind of reason. He opened his mouth, backed and looked at the other boy with confused look. „What’s wrong with that, Mathew? I mean, we profit, don’t we?”
“Yeah, but it’s wrong and I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Answered Mathew still looking somewhere else.
“What about our father.” Tim tried to hit a weak spot but failed.
“He’s out adoptive father and he never cared much about us. He’s the Team Rocket leader after all. He adopted us just to train us into his successors, he doesn’t love us.” It was as if he gave himself strength with that speech because he turned back to Tim and glared at him.
“Who cares about that? We have everything we want!” He stopped for a while but continued after frowning again.
“It’s about that girl, right? Was it Vanessa?”
The other boy got angry and screamed: “Leave Nessie out of it!”
Tim got calmer turned around and said: “Fine, do what you want. But I don’t really understand why did you make me to go here just because of saying this. You could have simply left…” He couldn’t finish because Matt interrupted him.
“I... I need some money to start off.”
“I don’t care take how much you need. Father is dead so it is my decision now. But we’ll have to make some kind of deal, to make sure that you won’t cheat us.” Tim put his hands into pockets on his trousers.
“Is that necessary?” Matt asked with signs of insecurity.
“Unfortunately, you’re out of the Team now, so I’ll have to deal with you that way.” His voice sounded as if he was threatening Matt but he ignored it. He was already planning to buy a new house. He looked around the surroundings. Everything there was a witness to his decision. Then he noticed the small Magikarp looking at them and smiled. This Magikarp was the only living witness so he decided to take care of it as a memory of this moment. However, he wasn’t the only one who noticed the Magikarp. Tim hated the Magikarp for seeing his failure. He couldn’t stop his brother from leaving and it had a witness.

After Matt left, the Magikarp was still looking at Tim. It was waiting for Pokemon food older people used to throw it when they walked around. Tim came closer to it and said angrily: “What are you staring at, you useless Pokemon? Watch your back, I’ll be sure to come here again.”

.:!:.

And now was the same man flying away in a helicopter. Magikarp wanted to feel satisfied but couldn’t due to the bad feeling it had.

 

Re: Midnight (ch. 1 ready for grading, comments appreciated)

Claimed for grading. I might have it done tomorrow, more likely Tuesday.

 

Re: Midnight (ch. 1 claimed)

Okay, this was late. Sorry! Grade follows:

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

We begin with a night-time scene where a Magikarp lives alone in a lake awaiting evolution. You paint some vivid pictures here.

There were minor grammar problems, along with the fact that you mentioned the moon shining twice when you could have done it just once. No big deal, but remember that the first paragraph of the story is the most important in making first impressions...

It's a good introduction which sets up for us to wonder just what's going to happen to this Magikarp. Will it evolve? Choose not to? Get captured before it can evolve? You've left it open in the beginning, which makes us want to read more and find out what happens.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

It's a bit unfocused for a story. What does the Magikarp have to do with anything? It's witnessed this drama between two brothers and kind of taken sides, but it doesn't do anything. It's not even there for half of the story since the house is too far away, and the "bad feelings" it has aren't fully explained. The story would be more interesting if the Magikarp actually did anything other than watch or be too far away to watch. Does it even have an opinion?

This story is also open-ended. That's not a problem in itself, since you wanted this to be the first in a series, but will the Magikarp also feature? If this is the only chapter where we see the Magikarp, then it will have been entirely wasted as a character. You gave it an interesting origin and then had it flop around and do nothing. I guess that's what Magikarp are supposed to do, but it's still kind of boring.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

The dialogue is fine: strong emotions adequately conveyed. It's a little cliched, but gets across what you're trying to do.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

The main character is the Magikarp. As I said before, it's got a fun origin and an interesting relationship with the human characters, but it doesn't do anything. You need to go somewhere more with the "bad feelings" and the "amazing future" and make them not contradict as well.

The two brothers are conventional characters (good son, bad son) but they're decently rendered. Is there any particular reason you named one of them "Mathew?" "Unique" names like these shouldn't be used just for the sake of uniqueness; people tend to associate them with Mary Sues and Marty Stus. This is very much a Bad Thing. If you don't know what I'm talking about, refer to this link. The link leads to a fairly addictive wiki, so try not to stay on there too long or you'll be sucked in!

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

Some issues.

Narration should not be in second person (you, your, etc.). Try "everywhere one could see" instead.

This phrase has no meaning. You'll need either of the following instead:
"more intensely than ever before," meaning the stars are extra bright, or
"as intensely as ever," meaning the stars are as intense as they've ever been.

Much to the displeasure.

Also, this sentence has lots of comma splices. You can't join sentences with a comma and call it a day. Either you need "transition words" such as "therefore," "because," "although," etc. or you need a period. Semicolons work too. Here's a possible rewrite: "The stars shone as intensely as ever in the cloudless sky. The gentle light of the moon fell directly on a lake, much to the displeasure of its inhabitant."
I have a subtler issue with this paragraph as well. You mention the moon shining in the second sentence. However, you then mention it again in the fourth sentence as if you'd never talked about it before. You wanted that sense of immediacy of the light falling on the lake and irritating the Magikarp. Sure, that's good. However, you then need to rewrite the first paragraph to make sure it isn't repeating itself.

This phrase is awkward. "Immediately" isn't needed and you kind of tacked on that modifier at the end. I recommend: "sparkling when they caught the moonlight."

Past tense: "stay in the lake until it evolved."

Past tense: "it was just the moon."

A rather vague word, "area." Try "lake" or "the water's surface" or something. Call back to the evocative language you were going for in the first paragraph.

A little awkward. Alternatives: "something was not right," "something was wrong," "something was not quite right."

Too many "it"s. We can't tell what each one is supposed to refer to. Do you mean that the moon had nothing to do with the Magikarp? If so:
"It knew that the moon had nothing to do with it" could work. Alternatively, you could assign the Magikarp a gender. This always makes pronoun usage much easier!

You're missing an "and" there.

You're missing a "the."

Pretty!

You've created a first-person narrator. If you do this, it should be reflected in the rest of the narration. Again, the default style of narration is third-person detached, so you'd use "one" instead of "we" or "you." It's up to you which style to use, but pick one and stick to it.

This is improper. Try instead:
"a light, no, several light." This is how it usually goes.

Here we see an example of why it's important to capitalize the name of Pokemon moves. I spent the next few paragraphs after reading this sentence thinking that Growlithe were holding actual flamethrowers, like, out of the First World War or something, and spraying napalm all over the place. It was a hilarious mental image, but this story isn't supposed to be hilarious. Spoiled the mood. We must avoid this confusion! Also, the normal plural of "Growlithe" is "Growlithe."

You shouldn't (not I didn't say mustn't) begin sentences with words like "and." I'd have preferred to begin this sentence with "There were also some voices."

Spellcheck failure: it should be "torn" instead.

You've got one line break too many between this paragraph and the next. It might sound like nitpicking, but anything out of the ordinary looks important, you know? You made it seem like there's some important break in the story here.

You should either end the dialogue with a comma and do lowercase "a voice belonging..." or place "a voice belonging..." before the dialogue instead of after.

These people are referred to with capitalized names in the games: "Rocket Grunts."

I'd recommend "as he tried" instead.

You can be more specific. Is she short? Petite? Skinny?

Who's doing the noticing? It's better and easier to say that it "shines" or "gleams" instead of "being easily noticed."

The comma should actually be after "muscles." The logic is: the grunt is tall and muscley. However, he can't take the baby.

This is awkward. I'd recommend "having a lot of problems taking the baby" or "was completely unable to take the baby" or something like that.

The "so" may not be necessary.

This construction is also awkward. I'd recommend instead moving it to the beginning:
"Another voice, this one belonging to a man, joined. 'Leave...'

Your narration may be out of order. This flows better: "Five Growlithe surrounded him, firing Flamethrowers to make sure he wouldn't try to save the child."

You're missing a period there. Also, "blood lust" is usually a single word: "bloodlust."

"Interest" is more often paired with "little" than with "small." Also, the first two commas in that sentence ought to be removed.

In a violet cloak.

If you say "come on the scene," you shouldn't mention where he comes from. I'd recommend words like "disembark" instead.

To the side.

You can't glare and grin at the same time. Does he stop glaring? You should say that.

You're missing a line break after this paragraph.

Are multiple Grunts hitting the woman? It might be better to use the word "beat" instead. I'm not getting a clear mental image from this entire sentence, actually. Do you mean that other grunts helped the first one take the baby, and then hit the woman? If so, I'd write it like this: "Meanwhile, other grunts helped to finally tear the child away, after which they beat the woman."

"Screamed" shouldn't be capitalized. It's actually the second word of the sentence.

"The," not "he." Also, this sentence is a bit of a run-on. I'd break it up into two.

You need another word after "backing." I suggest "away, "up," or "off."

You shouldn't begin a sentence with "but."

It might be more evocative to say "ran into the flames."

Probably "were" is more proper than "was," but I'm not entirely familiar with the rules of the English subjunctive.

You probably shouldn't begin a sentence with "then" like this.

This is a long sentence containing "but." There should be a comma before "but," and one before "and."

Its/it's. Remember the role for each:
"Its" is the possessive of "it." "The Skitty chased its tail."
"It's" is the contraction of "it is." "It's cold outside!"

No comma after "although."

This is totally garbled up. I can't understand it and it may need a rewrite. Also, this is a run-on sentence.

That thing with "but" again.

The unhappy Magikarp became alone after the family left. The way you write the sentence must reflect this. For instance:
"...leave with that thing, leaving the unhappy Magikarp alone."

Yep, "and."

I think "was" is better than "had been," though I can't exactly express why. Also, you should probably use a word such as "unique" or "special" instead of "different."

It's bad style to begin sentences with "or." You could try "Perhaps, to tell the truth, it was more that the other man..." You're also missing a comma before "but."

This phrasing is unnecessary, and you've got an its/it's thing going again. Be simpler: "It looked again at the moon. For some strange reason, it seemed to have turned blue." Notice no detail was lost.

A jarring way to begin a sentence. Don't use "then."

This form is incorrect. You could say either:
"Yes, it was that voice: the one it had heard back then."
or
"Yes, it was the voice it had heard back then."

This is an appositive: you're placing a short descriptive phrase after a noun. Appositives must have commas on both sides. Therefore, there must be a comma after "teenagers."

"Beginning" might be better than "happening."

Messed up in-line quotation grammar.
The words after the line of dialogue are part of the same sentence, so no capitalization. Also, you need a comma after "asked."
Remember also the paragraphing convention: each block of dialogue must be in its own paragraph, and each paragraph must be set off by two line breaks.

I think people more commonly say "I'm really sorry for this."

You need a word and a comma after "backed." I suggest, again, "off," "up," or "away."

You've got some messed-up Unicode-ey upside-down quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence. How'd you type that?
Also, "Mathew" is an uncommon variation of "Matthew." To reassure us that you didn't just misspell it, you should have mentioned it first in the narration.

There should be a comma before "and."

"Answered" should be lower-case. Comma after "Mathew."

It's a question. Remember to use a question mark.

This is also a comma splice. It's much more allowable in dialogue- J. K. Rowling does it a lot, for instance- but you should know that under the strictest rules of grammar it's wrong.

You need a comma after "calmer" and "around."

Starting this sentence with "but" is perfectly fine! Why? Most people actually talk this way. Not all the rules of grammar apply in dialogue because people break the rules when they talk.

"Why ---" noun phrases have special rules, I think. You should say:
"But I don't really understand why you made me come here just to say this."
Notice the other minor changes.

His name was "Mathew." You ought to stick with it except in dialogue if someone decides to use a nickname. Nicknames shouldn't go in narration if they haven't been used in dialogue first.

You glommed two sentences together. Put a period after "care."

Awkward. Try "Tim put his hands into his trouser pockets" instead.

Awkward. Be simpler: "Mathew asked insecurely."

A bit awkward. I'd have gone with "deal with you as I would with any other outsider."

It'd be better to make "it" be the Magikarp and write it like this:
"He couldn't stop his brother from leaving and here it was, witnessing all this from the lake."

"The same man was now flying away..."

What bad feeling?

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

I liked the part with the moon, even with all the grammar issues. It was peaceful and it set the scene well.

Only one Pokemon move is even mentioned in this story. URPG stories are all about the flashy battles! You should at least describe the Flamethrowers the Growlithe are using. What do they look like? What do they do? You mentioned the red light they cast, but that isn't enough.

About that helicopter...
Is it landed or in the air? Is the rotor spinning? If it is, you can go into detail about how it's kicking up winds that are making the cloaked man's hair and cloak flutter dramatically. That's always fun.

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

No problems here. This is a story that could take place in the Pokemon world with very little stretching. The only thing is that Giovanni has no known children, especially by these names, but having original characters of this type isn't too much of a leap of imagination.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Magikarp (EASIEST 3,000-5,000)
Actual: 8,913
You're set.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

It's a bit of an erratic beginning. You've set up for something that looks to be good and interesting, but more should have been put in the first chapter. Either the main character doesn't do anything or the Magikarp wasn't supposed to be the main character. I'm not even sure.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Pokemon captured! Since this is a Easiest-grade story, the problems I've seen aren't serious enough to bring down the hammer. This is going to be a good series if you continue it, but when you do, hold your plot to a higher standard.

 

Re: Midnight (ch. 1 claimed)

Thank you for your advice and grade, I will surely try to avoid these mistakes. Most of them came from the fact that English isn't my first language.
I just wanted to clear some things. First, the Magikarp will have a big role later.
Second, this story is set long after Giovanni died and another person became the leader of Team Rocket. That man adopted these two boys. I know I should have cleared this up sooner but I kind of forgot about it. The reason why it isn't Giovanni is that I don't know much about him and I wanted to avoid making him out of character. Although, he will be mentioned or have a minor role later.

 

No problem!
So long as you introduce this kind of stuff in future chapters, you'll be fine.