Mastering The Machop With A Case Of The Munchies!

Author: Arceusfan
Required Length: 5,000 - 10,000 Characters
Actual Length: 5,696 Characters
Pokemon I'm Attempting To Catch: Machop
This is my first story!



Beeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!! Beeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!! I groaned and slowly managed to get up and out of my brand-new bed, which was so comfortable that it made me feel as if I was magnetically drawn to it. I somehow forced myself to sleepily walk over to my still-beeping alarm clock and push the power button. The noise stopped. "Sometimes I don't know what's more annoying," I thought. "The alarm clock or my mom yelling 'Derek!' in a nagging voice to get me up." "I rubbed my eyes with my fists in an attempt to wake up, yet I was still so very tired, which was typical, considering I had stayed up until 1:00 A.M. studying my Pokemon information guides. I glanced back at my alarm clock and just then noticed it was only 6:00 A.M. Good thing I always have a secret weapon for waking myself up.
"Go my friend!" I yelled as I pushed the little circular button on one of my Pokeballs which I then threw.
"Chimchar!" exclaimed my first Pokemon that had just emerged from its thrown Pokeball.
I smiled, as I do every time I see my little friend. It smiled back at me, understanding that I was reminiscing about when we first met.
"Just think," I thought to myself. "If it wasn't for my little fire monkey, I would have been seriously injured by those nasty Beedrill."
All I remember was being chased by those Beedrill when suddenly Chimchar appeared out of nowhere and unleashed a barrage of Fire-type attacks on the pursuing Beedrill. After that, the Beedrill retreated and Chimchar ran towards me. It was then I knew that it wanted to befriend me. Since that day I have worked hard as a Pokemon trainer and have also caught a Shroomish and a Turtwig.
Since I still felt groggy and tired I knew it was time to use my secret weapon.
"Now, Chimchar! Wake me up with a Flame Wheel attack!"
Chimchar obliged and within seconds colorful flames burst from its mouth and began to entangle themselves around it like ribbons of fire. The flames began to spin as if they were doing a somersault in place.
"Oof!" I exclaimed as Chimchar collided with me knocking me down onto my back.
The pain from this wasn't as bad as you might think. This is because it wasn't a new experience for me as I woke up most mornings by using this peculiar method. I then returned Chimchar to its Pokeball, and managed to slowly crawl over to the bathroom and turn on the bathtub faucet, so I could take a nice cold bath to soothe my mild burns.
Shortly after my bath, while I was doing some Pokemon research on my computer, I heard a yell.
"Derek!" my mom shouted.
I went downstairs quickly because she sounded as if she was in a panic about something. I bolted into the kitchen where she often cooks breakfast at this time and saw my mom standing with her back against the stove. I followed her gaze and then realized what had terrified her so much.
A blue muscular creature with blades on its head was trying to grab the bag of Pokemon food I had left on the counter but it was just out of its reach.
Hearing the commotion of my rushed footsteps this Pokemon quickly turned around and with a rather quizzical look on its face said, "Machop?"
"Awesome!" I exclaimed my voice full of joy. "It's just a Machop, Mom," I said with an reassuring tone in my voice.
My mom just slowly shook her head left to right as if to say "not again."
I grinned and turned to face the Machop. Surprisingly it hadn't moved an inch and had silently watched while my mom and I were interacting with each other.
"Shroomish, come on out!" I yelled as I threw a Pokeball into the air.
"Shroomish!" said my green colored, spotted, mushroom-like Grass-type friend.
"Shroomish, let's catch that Machop! Use Spore!"
Upon my giving the order to attack, Shroomish began to shake out spore particles, which were then sent right towards the confused Machop.
Machop then did something I had no clue it knew how to do! It grabbed a small black handheld fan off the counter and quickly turned it on. It pointed the fan at Shroomish to blow the Spore attack back towards it.
Shroomish quickly fell into a deep sleep and I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I was completely dumbfounded.
"If only I had listened to my mom when she said to put that fan away," I thought.
I silently held out Shroomish's Pokeball and pressed the button on it to return my sleeping Pokemon so it could heal.
"Go, Chimchar!" I shouted. I then threw Chimchar's Pokeball into the air.
"Chimchar!" exclaimed my friend, who had just come out of its Pokeball.
"Now, Chimchar, use Flame Wheel!"
Chimchar then unleashed what was likely the best Flame Wheel I'd ever seen it use to knock back Machop into the cabinets under the counter, thus breaking the doors right off the hinges. I heard my mom gasp. Machop then countered with a Karate Chop attack right to the face of my precious Chimchar!
Chimchar slowly got up and then fell right back down.
I silently returned it to its Pokeball and then sent out my last Pokemon.
"Turtwig!" exclaimed my little Grass-type turtle that basically looked like a turtle with a twig on its head. Turtwig was also a good friend of mine just like my other Pokemon.
"Now Turtwig, finish this Machop off with your best Energy Ball!"
Green colored energy started to form in Turtwig's mouth and was then unleashed in a powerful attack that hit Machop dead-on.
Having been hit by such a powerful attack, Machop fell onto its back and lay there for about ten seconds before I realized it was knocked out.
"Go Pokeball!" I shouted.
The Pokeball started to shake back and forth as I waited anxiously to see if my attempt to catch the Machop would be successful...

 

Claimed. I'm going to write up the grade now. It's short!

 

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

You begin with onomatopoeia. You stretch out the words and use multiple exclamation marks to make it more lively and interesting, then dump us straight into first-person narrative.
We seem to have a story about a guy who is dedicated to his or her hobby. As an intro, it works. You're framing the story as the day that this person is going through, so we start with the beginning of the day.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

Your story may be kind of mis-proportioned. In a really short story like this, (and it's short; my grade is longer than it) you should introduce all your characters early so we know what's going on. The Machop doesn't show up until midway through, and we don't even know anything about the Turtwig until it appears out of nowhere eight lines from the end! Another irritating thing is that we don't know the name or gender of the protagonist until a third of the way into the story. If you're going to do something like this, there must be a reason. In other words, you must be building up some kind of suspense as to who the narrator is! Determining the pace of a short story is different from that for a longer story.

The story itself is a little silly- a Machop comes in and eats their food, and the boy has to calm his mom and then fight it. Not bad.

However, the ending is abrupt and possibly against the URPG style guidelines. The general rule is that stories end with you breathlessly awaiting the result of your capture attempt. A shaking Poke Ball, etc. Rules, of course, are made to be broken. I myself am in the middle of writing a story where no Pokemon are actually caught. However, for your very first story it's best to stick to the conventional forms.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

Dialogue's fine.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

Your protagonist.

He is insane.

Who wakes up like that?!

Well, I have to admit that Derek is original, well-defined, and compelling.

But also insane.

(Getting me to react like that means you're doing well. Just... the morning first-degree-burns are a little jarring. Try and make it sound a little more reasonable...)

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

Short story; I'll try and catch every error I can.

"Brand-new" should be hyphenated.

If you're using "so (adjective)" in this situation, you're going to need to frame it as "so (adjective) that it was (adjective, etc.)"

Hyphenate "still-beeping."

Style note: "Poke Ball" or "Pokeball." Capitalized. There's no need to go for the "é," though. This applies throughout the story.

Use Bulbapedia style here. Types are capitalized and hyphenated: "Fire-type." This applies throughout the story.

This sentence would probably flow better with alternative punctuation. Also, attack names should be capitalized:
"Now, Chimchar! Wake me up with a Flame Wheel attack!" Capitalize attack names throughout your story.

Change the parenthetical statement from progressive to regular present tense: "where she often cooks."

The commas aren't necessary.

Reassuring, not assuring.

This is a borderline run-on sentence. Consider breaking it up.

Multiple style errors. Also, in a list of adjectives like this, "and" isn't necessary.
"'Shroomish!' said my green-colored, spotted, mushroom-like Grass-type friend."

You're missing a comma and an apostrophe:
"Shroomish, let's catch"

Try "order" or "attack order" instead of "attack."

Stacking too many adjectives on a noun makes it awkward, especially with commas. We can fix this by removing the commas this time:
"little black handheld fan"
or
"small black handheld fan."

Missing punctuation.
"Shroomish, return! Go, Chimchar!"

Now, Chimchar, use Flame Wheel!

Accidental word duplication. Remove that first "looked."

Multiple errors:
"On to" should be "onto."
"It's/its." In this case we're using a possessive: the back of Machop. So, "its."
"laid" should be "lay."
"10" should be "ten."

These grammar errors aren't that bad. You just need to watch your style when it comes to Pokemon vocabulary and also keep an eye open for typos.

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

A vivid story. There's nothing to complain about here.

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

Three continuity issues:

Why would the protagonist have to use the secret weapon for waking up when he or she's already awake enough to read alarm clocks and send out Pokemon?

Why would the protagonist tell his Shroomish to return if it's asleep and he has to recall it himself?

How are these Pokemon not wrecking the kitchen?

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Machop: SIMPLE (5,000-10,000)
Actual length: 5,006
A bit on the short side, but acceptable.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

For a first attempt, it isn't bad. Needs a little polishing in just the right places and it'll be pretty decent.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Capture failed. Sorry. You need to do a little tidying-up first. Fix those minor grammar errors, sure, but what I really mean is the pacing of the story and the conventions we have here. Since it's a short story, try and lay out as much detail about the characters as you can, and early on. Be stylish, though; don't just stack adjectives in front of a noun and call that descriptive. Also, try and end this story not with a "happily ever after," but with a with-bated-breath-I-watch-this-Poke-Ball kind of thing. Just this once. Fix it up and PM me for a regrade. In the end, you should be able to catch that Machop without much trouble.

 

Regrade is imminent.
Stand by.

 

Hm...
The beginning is a bit disjointed, but the reason is as much the formatting around the flashback as anything else.

This story is sufficiently improved that I'm going to rate it successful.

However!
You need to go read other people's stories and see how they format them.
Remember: Press Enter twice after each paragraph.
Each line of dialogue gets its own paragraph.
Flashbacks can be more easily marked with formatting tricks like the Italic tag or indenting.