Let the Journey Begin!

Ok. This is my first try at writing a story on here, so let's do this.

Man. Losing my first battle sure put a lot on my mind. Why wasn't Eevee strong enough? Why? Why? I replayed the battle in my mind: Eevee knocking into the little bird Pokemon, Pidove. The Pidove didn't even feel Eevee's attacks. Then, Pidove knocked Eevee over with it's wings and Eevee fell to the ground.

"Eevee is unable to battle," the referee had said. "Pidove is the winner!"

Well, I guess I couldn't let that battle get to me. Most new trainers are going to lose to the stronger ones. And I'm a new trainer.

"Guess we should get going Eevee," I said.

"Eeeeeeviiiiiiiiii," said my little Eevee, obviously happy to get back on the road.

As we trudged up Route 1, we met a person, with a little bug with a leaf on it's face.

"Hello," I said. "I'm Stevie, and this is my partner Eevee"

"Eeviiiiii," Eevee chimed in.

"Hi I'm Joey," the boy said. "Everybody calls me Youngster Joey though. I traveled here from Kanto with my new partner, Sewaddle. Say hello Sewaddle."

"Sewaadlllllee!" Sewaddle said.

"How about a battle, right here in this field?"

"Oh no," I thought. "But I'm a trainer I have to accept."

"Joey, I accept your challenge."

"Alright then," Joey said. "Go Sewaddle!"

"Go Eevee!" I said.

"Eeviiii!"

"Waddllllleeeee!"

"You go first," I said, trying to stall for time to think of Eevee's moves.

"Alright then, use Razor Leaf, Sewaddle!" Joey cried.

"Dodge, Eevee!"

"Then use Tackle, Sewaddle!"

"Dodge!" I screamed. I knew that one hit from Sewaddle would destroy Eevee.

Eevee got hit. It fell to the ground in a heap.

"Eevee, no!"

"Looks like I win," Joey said. "Did you know, that that was my first win ever? Amazing, right?"

I felt like a noob losing to a kid who had never won a battle before.

"Good battle," I said.

"Bye!" said Joey. "I'm going home to tell my Mom that I won a battle."

"Bye then," I said.

With Joey gone, I continued to go up Route 1.

Then, all of a sudden, the grass started shaking near by.

"Must me the wind," I thought.

It wasn't the wind.

A little bug with a yellow face and a green leaf on it's back came out of the grass. A Sewaddle. Like that Youngster used.

"Sewwwwwaaaaaadllleeeeeee!" It screamed at Eevee and I.

"It's a Sewaddle," I said. "Eevee use your Tackle attack!"

"Eeviiiiiii!" It said, launching it's battle call and ramming into Sewaddle.

Sewaddle looked hurt, but it spit some thread out at Eevee. "Sewaddle!" It yelled.

"Eevee, Tackle one more time!"

"Eevvvviiiiiiiiii!"

Sewaddle fell over. "Sort of like our battle with that Pidove I thought. Except Eevee and I are the winners this time."

Then an idea occurred to me. "I have a spare Pokeball. How about I catch this Sewaddle."

"Pokeball, go!" I said as I threw the ball onto the Sewaddle. I shook once. It shook twice. It shook a third time. Click.

"Eevee, "I said. " We have a new friend!"

To be continued (maybe)

So, I'm going for a Sewaddle.
3-5k
3078 characters with spaces. Just waiting for a grader now.

 

Claiming.

 

Introduction: We start the story with the thought process of the first paragraph. Who is then promptly ignored in the rest of the story, at no point does it show that the character has some kind of emotional turmoil caused by losing – which can be specially common on more arrogant, self-centered characters – nor does it carry over in Eevee being hurt for a future battle – if it does show up it doesn't have the effect it intended.

A good introduction either sets the tone for the rest of the story, or makes a solid foundation for the story to continue. Since later Stevie doesn't want to battle, adding a note on how Eevee was hurt helps the plot and making a note on how he was shaken up because he had never lost before makes for some character building. For a short easiest story either works.

While I do see that you tried to go for some angst with “Why wasn't Eevee strong enough? Why?” it falls flat because it comes almost naturally to people that Eevee is an okay Pokemon, it isn't all up to the Pokemon and that for Eevee to get stronger it's as easy as a snap of fingers. Just love it loves or give it a shiny stone and it evolves. I'd recommend adding something about why doesn't Stevie evolve Eevee, does he not know what evolution is? Does he not know how Eevee evolves? Is he without money to buy an evolutionary stone? Specially since he supposedly just left a city, he could have at least looked it up.

Also, you said you replayed the battle in your mind, but then only describe – and vaguely at that – two attacks before Eevee loses. If you meant for it not to be a quick OHKO by Pidove, then you should probably add some more moves or change the word, since with “replay” and the showing it's implicit that you as the author are going to write the entire thing.

“Replaying the decisive scene” or something of the like will fit you nicely if you wanted it to be a longer battle, and if it was a simple OHKO, why didn't Stevie plausibly train, or face someone around his skill level. Not to mention how much time did it take from Stevie's journey beginning? Did he just start out or is he at it for some time now? I know you said he's a new trainer but that can be any range of time from 1 minute to a 1 month roughly, and being new does not immediately means being weak.

Plot: It's the standard “first easiest” plot many people use so I'm not gonna say much about it other than it doesn't exactly show your creativity as a writer. Doing some other plots, that are original or taking your own unique spin on an overdone plot can make the story much more exciting and that awards you brownie points on the grading!

Battle 1: The way you refer to Joey at first makes it seem like Joey has a bug and a leaf on his face, and after that a habit begins, you write out the Pokemon's cry. To be completely honest it seems like padding, and adds nothing to the story that can't be conveyed with a sentence: “"Eeviiiiii," Eevee chimed in.” can easily become “Eevee chimed in cheerily to introduce himself” or “Eevee barked cheerily” or some variation of this.

After that Joey and Sewaddle introduce themselves, now, first are some things that lifted my suspension of disbelief – I sincerely find it hard to believe that anybody will call someone a bigger title than needed. This applies to everyone and everything, unless you absolutely have to for some reason or another you'll always seek the shortest possible title, that's why people make nicknames. And, you say he and Sewaddle travelled to where the main character is from Kanto, but all the other Pokemon we were introduced are Unova Pokemon while the main character Pokemon' was an Eevee – a Kanto Pokemon. It'd make more internal sense, in my opinion, for it to be the main character travelling from Kanto and then coming to Unova.

This could also do for some interesting characterization as having to deal with a different overall level of trainers or something like this.

As for the battle itself, it seems ... beige and not very consequential. Sorry but, it's just the trainers calling out the moves – who are never described, except the final one, did they happen? How does it look, how did it affect the battleground? - and then Joey says it was his first win ever and that he was going to tell his mom he won.

Stevie takes it too much on himself despite being a new trainer. We're still not sure if Eevee was hurt or not from the battle in the introduction since we have no idea how much time passed since or if Eevee was healed by a Pokemon (Blissey, Miltank, or any Pokemon with Wish for example) or healed by a Pokemon center and if Eevee was hurt, why didn't Stevie try to talk with Joey to see if they could not battle? We know Stevie didn't want to battle but he never voiced that concern. We're supposed to be on his head but we're not sure on what's he's thinking or why he's behaving the way he is.

Battle 2: This is a much shorter scene than the one that precedes it, but as the climax of the story it lacks emotion. We still don't have any idea on how Eevee feels (is he hurt or not?), or how Stevie feels (is he still sad, is he happy because he found a Sewaddle, is he a third emotion?).

Before the battle scene begins you says a yellow bug with a green leaf on its back appears, now, I know you meant Sewaddle but Weedle, Kakuna, Beedrill, Ledyba, Shuckle, Wormadam, Mothim, Combee, Vespiquen, Swadloon, Leavanny, Joltik or Galvantula all could apply (all but Swadloon and Leavanny with an actual leaf on their backs, probably from leaving a tree or something), I'd recommend giving some extra description, saying it's cloaked or clothed in leaves is better than it has a leaf on its back – which considering bugs tend to live on trees, isn't all that surprising or implausible to happen – or it was a yellow wormish bug or it looked like a caterpillar would further flesh out the description.

Always assume the reader is a genwunner when writing story and as such won't have a clue when you're describing any Pokemon from a newer generation, and when you're writing about generation one Pokemon, assume the reader only played BW and has no idea what Pokemon is this one you're talking about. (While this is obviously a bit extremist the point stands, never assume your trainer knows anything except some things like what's a Pokeball, or the region's name. People can forget Pokemon)

Now back to the battle, you started to describe what the moves did here which is good. Always do that, however, you didn't tell us what the thread the Sewaddle spit at Eevee did. Despite being near useless on game it can do pretty much anything on an open environment, lower speed, lower visibility, bind a Pokemon, trip it up, use it to swing it very far. Eevee just rams into Sewaddle after that with no regard to this.

And then the story ends with the capture of Sewaddle.

Length & Grammar & Description: The grammar was good, I only caught one typo in the story (“Must me the wind” instead of “Must be the wind” presumably) but the description was severely lacking. While I did say it before I'll reiterate, describe more and be more specific, as is your prose is too beige. Think of how everything interacts with the terrain. This isn't the game where everything has a black and white effect that can't be challenged. Just think creatively

As well as some padding as far as the length goes – I refuse to believe the Pokemon cries are anything but.

Overview: I'm afraid this story does not passes. The description needs a lot of work, the battles need a lot of work and there was some padding. Think of this, maybe get a mentor on our very own Mentorship program and they'll also help you and try to rewrite this.

 

Thanks for taking the time to grade this. I realize now that, yeah, my battles/feelings were bland. Thanks again though.