le peu d'aventure

Kalos, a region of unrivaled beauty and extravagance. Heralded by the Castelia Times as the fashion capital of the world, it’s the number one hangout for designers, movie stars, and celebrities of all kinds. Kalos isn’t lacking in historical relevance either, acting as the home of several ancient relics and even a royal family. The world agrees - if you want to make it big, start your journey in Kalos!

“Huhuhuhu…”

May 2014, Aquacorde Town, Kalos. Outside of a small bookstore, standing in front of a clearance magazine rack, was a young girl snickering into the glossed pages of a miniature travel guide. This, mixed with her Victorian doll-like attire, was causing her to gain some reproachful glances from passersby.

“Hehehe… It took a lot of work convincing Mama, but now I can start my journey early! I can finally go to Lumiose City and get famous!”

Lucie Chatillon, 10 years old. Left her house on May 30th at 8 a.m. to start her Pokemon journey. Dream: to train cute Pokemon and become a famous fashion designer in Kalos. Number of Pokemon: zero.

“No use sticking around here. The sooner I leave this place, the quicker I reach Lumiose City!” With a determined smirk, the girl set the brochure back on the sales rack and began to skip her way through the central plaza of the town, her fluffy auburn hair bobbing against her back as she went.

“Ah, the bridge!” Lucie had reached the town’s exit, a cobbled bridge that hovered above a wide canal. The girl turned on the heels of her Mary Janes towards the town one last time and gave it a sailor’s salute before skipping her way across the bridge and into the forest beyond.

“I’ve got to find a cute Pokemon to catch. I wonder what lives around here?” Lucie reached into her pocket and took out a Pokedex, the entire device covered in glued-on rhinestones. The girl turned it on and typed in Route 2. When she pressed enter, pictures of Pokemon appeared on the screen.

“Okay, Weedle, Pidgey, Caterpie… none of these are cute! Guess I’ll have to travel a little farther then.” With a disappointed sigh, Lucie closed the device and put it back in the pocket of her skirt before trudging forward, her excitement draining away. Before she could get too far however, the sound of voices reached her ears.

“Edie, when is your cousin supposed to get here exactly?” It was a girl’s voice, and sounded about Lucie’s age.

“He said twelve… and it’s only a quarter past. Cut him some slack! He’s probably just late because of my Aunt. She always has to double-check everything.” It was another girl. The voices were getting closer.

“Anyway, don’t be so hasty guys. I know you’re all excited, but we’ll still have the entire afternoon to catch Pokemon, and ‒ yowch!” Lucie’s ears perked up at the sudden yelp, and she immediately ran off of the main path to investigate.

Wrestling her way through a slew of densely packed bushes, Lucie found herself in a clearing beside the Aquacorde river standing opposite a group of four girls, none of whom looked to be in any danger. “Huh?”

A girl in the middle of the group groaned, rubbing her right arm with a grimace. “Marie, don’t pinch me like that!”

“Sorry, but it’s just annoying. None of us want to be waiting around like this on the first day of our journey. Can’t you wait for him by yourself?” A girl with glasses was talking this time, tapping her foot on the grass and crossing her arms with a marked scowl.

The girl who was pinched frowned and adjusted the black baseball cap perched on her head. “I know it sucks Marie, but if you don’t wait with me now, how am I supposed to find you later? Santalune Forest is huge, and more importantly, dark. There’s already a huge chance of us getting lost in that place, and there’s no reason to increase that risk by splitting up now.”

The glasses girl Marie heaved an overly dramatized sigh. “Yeah yeah, I know. But who shows up late on the first day of their journey? Isn’t that, y’know, kind of counter-intuitive?”

“Counter-what now? Anyway, you’re going to have to deal. We aren’t leaving this spot until he comes.” The girl in the baseball cap crossed her arms and gave a final huff, before sitting cross-legged on the ground below, as if to prove that she wasn’t going to budge.

“Er, I don’t mean to interrupt…” a third girl with long red hair and freckles began, “But some kid has been watching us for awhile now.”

Lucie clapped her hands to her mouth in embarrassment as Marie and the girl in the hat turned their heads to look at her. “I-I was just… I heard a noise and I…” Lucie trailed off as the group of girls exchanged glances.

Dusting off her jeans, the baseball cap girl raised herself back up to her feet and put a hand to her hip. “Were you spying on us?”

Lucie jumped. “N-No, not exactly...”

“Edie, do you think she wants to battle?” Marie asked, a sly smile on her face.
“No, no, no!” Lucie yelped, waving her hands frantically in the air as her cheeks reddened. “I don’t want to fight you! I was just curious about what you were saying, and before I knew it I was… hiding in the bushes and listening to everything you just said for the past five minutes?”

Edie frowned and began to scratch at the hair under the brim of her cap in confusion. “I don’t really get it, but are you sure you don’t want to battle us?”

“Positive! I mean, I don’t even have a Pokemon yet, so that’s kind of impossible.” Lucie tried to convince them with a smile, but it looked more like a grimace. Seeing the resulting mixed glances amongst the group of older girls, Lucie added, “It’s the first day of my journey, so I’m actually trying to catch a Pokemon right now. I don’t have time to waste with you guys.”

“What do you mean, ‘no time to waste’? You were the one spying on us!” Lucie’s smile fell as she realized that her attempt at showing her lack of ill-will had had the opposite effect.

“No, I mean that I don’t want to get involved with you guys. I’m just trying to-”

“I don’t like that cocky attitude. And what is she wearing? Does she think she’s some kind of Aquacorde Girl doll?” Lucie’s head swiveled towards Marie, who was pretending to whisper into her freckled friend’s ear.

“That’s rude! I’ll have you know that I made these clothes myself!” Lucie cried, her already flushed cheeks growing a deeper red in anger. It had taken her weeks to sew the hemline on her pink bubble skirt, and even longer to attach white ruffles to the bottom. Her sailor style top had also taken time, as the folds had confused her, as well as the ribbon tie.

“Guys, stop harassing her. She’s only a child.” The fourth and final girl of the group came forward, speaking for the first time. Her hair was a light shade of chestnut, cut into a bob that rested just below her chin, with a triangle-shaped barrette holding back her bangs. With drooping hazel eyes that gave her the look of a lost puppy, and a nose that seemed too small and upturned to be possible without surgical help, the girl’s face held an innocence to it that gave her beauty beyond that of the other girls.

Needless to say, upon seeing that face, Lucie began to experience a new emotion: jealousy. “As if I need you to stick up for me! And so what if I’m younger than you? You guys are kids too!” She crossed her arms and huffed.

“Hey, Juliet’s just trying to help you out! Don’t get mad at her!” Edie took a step towards Lucie, her hands forming into fists. “Look, I don’t care if you spy on us a little, but I won’t allow you to insult my friends.”

“For the last time, I wasn’t spying on you! And why do I have to be lectured by some unfashionable tomboy wearing such an outdated hat? It just screams newbie trainer! What, are you trying to be the champion or something?” Edie’s face began to flush a vivid rose at Lucie’s words, one hand unconsciously rising to her baseball cap as though to hide it from view. Marie suppressed a giggle.

“That’s it! I’m gonna kill you!” Edie roared, before leaping towards Lucie with eyes like that of a ravenous Luxray. Lucie screeched, suddenly realizing the consequences of her outburst, before a loud laugh from the surrounding brush stole both of the girls’ attention.

Their eyes rested on the form of a boy coming out of the bushes, his hands in the pockets of baggy blue jeans and his choppy hair the same tree trunk color as Edie’s. He laughed again, a crackling, arrogant chord. “It’s not like you to be angry Ed. What did that pipsqueak do to you?”

Lucie narrowed her eyes and said through clenched teeth, “And who might you be?”

The boy glared straight back at her. “I can ask you the same question. My cousin has some odd taste in friends if she’s hanging around some freak like you.” Lucie opened her mouth to snap back at him, before feeling a hand clamp against her mouth.

“Ahaha, it’s so nice to see you again, Paul! It’s been ages!” Edie laughed awkwardly as Lucie struggled to break free beneath her. “What kept you?”

Paul looked down at his nails and replied with complete nonchalance, “Oh, was I late? Sorry, didn’t notice.” Edie laughed some more, her grip noticeably tightening against Lucie’s mouth, who began to feverishly claw at her captor’s wrist in response.

“Is this your cousin, Edie?” Marie asked, before whispering, “What an ass-”

“Hahahaha, okay, now that everyone’s here, why don’t we go to Santalune Forest and catch some Pokemon?” Edie practically screeched, before clapping her hands together and finally releasing Lucie from her clutches, allowing her to gasp for some much-needed oxygen. Marie frowned at being cut off, while Juliet and the girl with freckles looked at each other in confusion.

Paul smirked. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends first? You’re pretty impolite, cuz.”

Edie cracked a forced smile. “Oh right, how silly of me to forget! Guys, this is my cousin, Paul LeBeau. He just moved to Aquacorde recently with my Aunt and her husband. Since we’re so close in age, my Aunt thought it would be a good idea for Paul and I to travel together so that we could look out for one another. He’s a little bit younger, but I hope that you guys will get along with him and not cause any trouble for me - I mean, us.” She grinned widely, her bared teeth shining sinisterly in the sunlight. The group felt a slight chill run through them.

Juliet, the only one innocent to the true meaning of the words that had just passed, came forward and shyly offered out her hand. “Nice to meet you, Paul. I’m Juliet DeGarmo. I’ll be traveling with you and Edie from now on as well, and I hope we can become good friends.” Paul sneered and walked past her outstretched palm, spitting on the ground beside her as he did so. The other girls immediately glared their eyes at him, but Juliet only brought her hand back to her chest and smiled, thinking that he must be a foreigner unfamiliar with handshakes.

Lucie, having steadied her breathing after near suffocation, chuckled to herself upon seeing the beauty slighted. Edie meanwhile, felt her heart drop in her chest, and flipped her head from person to person, frantically trying to think up some way to salvage the proceedings. “Er, Paul! Now that you know Juliet, let me introduce you to these two over here! This is Ann Abel!” She gestured towards her friend with the freckled cheeks and forearms, who gasped at suddenly being put on the spot.

“H-Hey. I’m Ann,” the girl mumbled, before pushing the girl closest to her forward. “And this is Marie!”

“Hey!” Marie spat, before crossing her arms and cocking her head up at Paul. “Yeah, yeah, I’m Marie, nice to meetcha.”

Paul ignored the two girls and turned to face his cousin. “Are we really going to be traveling with these people the entire time?” Edie paled at his tone.

“Yep, that’s what we planned. B-But for now, why don’t we go out to the forest? We can’t stick around town all day, can we?” Edie began her forced laugh again, and grabbed a tan rucksack from the ground, swinging it onto one shoulder. “Everybody grab your stuff, it’s time to catch some Pokemon!”

At the word Pokemon, the girl’s spirits were visibly renewed, and each of them began to collect the various backpacks and sleeping bags strewn across the grass. Paul made a face, but waited for the group to assemble. After a few moments and a quick glance around the clearing, Edie smiled. “Alright, let’s go!”

“Wait! Aren’t you forgetting something?” Lucie cried, exasperated. “What about me?”

Edie stopped, the short ponytail at the nape of her neck whipping back at the sudden movement. “Excuse me? You just said you didn’t want to get involved with us. Go on and play somewhere by yourself.”

Lucie gave a loud “Hmph!” before stomping her way out of the clearing, fuming. “Whatever! I meant what I said. I don’t have time to waste on those stupid girls and that total jerk of a boy! I’m going to catch a Pokemon, and-!” She came to a stop. She had already checked out the Pokemon available on this route with her Pokedex and decided that none of them were cute. The only other place to catch Pokemon in this area was -

“Santalune Forest!” Lucie groaned. “How could I forget?”

“O-Oh well!” Lucie said to herself as she walked along the path, “That place is huge. There’s no possible way that I could meet up with them, so I’ll just take my time and look for a good - oof!”

“Hey, I thought I told you to go away!” Lucie looked up in a daze, only to see that the person she had bumped into was none other than - who else? - Edie.

Lucie flipped a lock of her auburn hair back before twirling it around one finger, her blue eyes cast to the ground. “S-So? There’s only one path on this route, and if you don’t remember, I’m also looking for a Pokemon. None of the ones around here will cut it, so I’ve got no choice but to go into that forest and look for some.”

Edie wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Fine, but don’t follow us, alright?”

“Fine,” Lucie snapped before hurrying forward past the group, trying to avoid each of their gazes on her back.

After a few minutes of quick power-walking, Lucie heaved a sigh of relief at having seemingly lost them somewhere behind her. “Good, now I can focus on my original purpose.” She smiled and raised her chin up, only to realize that the area around her had changed. She was now surrounded by tall fir trees on both sides, packed tightly against one another like sardines in a can, their branches knitted so closely that they obscured almost all of the light above, leaving the forest entrenched in a sticky goo of eery black. Lucie gulped.

“EDIE!!”

-------------

“Tell me again why we have to babysit some little girl we just met through this forest?” Marie grumbled, kicking at the grass with her leather loafers as she walked.

“Hey, I don’t exactly like this either, but would you abandon someone who was crying and screaming your name? Never mind, don’t answer that,” Edie muttered, before feeling a tug on her sleeve. “If you need another tissue, they’re in the front pocket of my bag.”

“I-It’s not… that!” Lucie sniffed. “Don’t talk about me… like I’m not… hic... here!” Edie rolled her eyes.

“Juliet, can you deal with this? She’s crying again.”

The brunette immediately rushed to Lucie’s side, taking out a handkerchief. “It’s okay to be afraid of the dark, Lucie. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Thadth noth the problem here!” Lucie gushed, ripping the white linen out of the girl’s hand before snorting into it. “Idth embarrathing!”

“Ugh, we’ll never catch any Pokemon like this! She won’t even let us stop because she’s so scared. I wanted to catch a Pikachu,” Ann whined.

“The good news is we’ll be out of the forest before nightfall. Actually, we’ll probably make it out of here before three o’clock…” Edie trailed off as she saw the time on her watch. “I’m sorry Ann, but we can always come back after we’re done escorting her out. I know this day hasn’t exactly lived up to your guys’ expectations.”

Ann sighed and picked at a strand of her red locks. “It’s fine. Each of us already has a Pokemon anyway, so it’s not the end of the world. And if we keep going at this pace, we might not have to camp out tonight.”

“Speak for yourself!” Marie spat. “I don’t have any Pokemon!”

“Actually, I don’t either…” Juliet mumbled. “Not that it’s a problem or anything! Like you said, we can come back. There’s plenty of time. More importantly… when is Paul coming back?”

Edie heaved another sigh. “I don’t know. I think he was just upset about us having to deal with Lucie so he took off, but he can’t have gone far. He has a holo caster if I need to reach him.”

“No offense Edie, but your cousin is kind of a jerk. Can’t we just leave him? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” Marie offered.

“I can’t do that. My Aunt practically begged me to watch over him. If you really want to know the truth, they were forced to move here from Vaniville because his behavior problems got him kicked out of school. It’s such a small town that they only have one middle school there. They had no choice but to move here so he could actually be enrolled somewhere, and then he just decided to start his Pokemon journey as soon as they arrived.” Edie scratched her cheek in embarrassment. “Basically, there’s a huge chance that he’ll get into trouble if there’s no authority over him. That’s why my Aunt thought it would be a good idea if the two of us traveled together, since I kind of wanted to start my journey as well.”

“Sounds rough,” Marie began, adjusting her glasses. “If it were me, I’d say hell no and leave him behind.”

“Edie’s not like you, she’s got a heart!” Ann jeered, before receiving a kick to the shin from Marie. “Ouch!”

“You guys, look! We’re almost out!” Juliet cried, pointing to a brighter area up ahead on the path. The girls cheered, and Lucie grabbed onto Edie’s hand.

“Come on, hurry up! Let’s get out of here already!” Lucie yelled. Edie laughed and the group proceeded to run until the sunlight hit their faces, the fir trees behind them.

“Whew, even I was starting to get tired of that darkness,” Ann said. Juliet and Edie agreed, nodding their heads as they took in the open space and sparse foliage around them. They seemed to have exited the forest atop a hill that overlooked the majority of the route, which was made up of sparse sprinklings of green maples and low bushes, as well as lots and lots of tall grass.

“You know, this place actually looks like it would be better for catching Pokemon. It’s not dark so it would be easier to spot them, and there’s so much more grass for them to live in around here,” Edie surmised. “Most of the Pokemon in the forest are probably bugs and birds anyway, since those are the only Pokemon that could reach the tops of the trees.”

“Are you saying we should catch Pokemon here?” Ann asked, a slightly disappointed edge to her voice. “What about Pikachu?”

“Pikachu, shmikachu!” Lucie cried. “There’s Azurill here!” Once the threat of darkness had gone, Lucie hadn’t missed a beat in calculating which Pokemon were available on the route, and now held her Pokedex in both hands with barely contained excitement.

“Azurill? Really?” Ann snatched the bedazzled device out of Lucie’s hand and examined the screen with searching green eyes. “Whoa, it’s true! And look, there are Pikachu here too!”

“Azurill? That sounds kind of nice… why don’t we search around here then? I was just thinking, wouldn’t it be better if we waited for your cousin out here, too? If we went back into the forest, there’s a chance that we could miss him, but the forest only has one exit, so he’s bound to show up here eventually,” Juliet suggested.

Edie nodded. “That’s a great idea. Alright then, I’ll stand watch over by that route sign and wait for him while you guys go out and look for Pokemon. I’ve already got one, so it’s not a big deal.”

“You do that. If you need me, I’ll be over there,” Marie said, pointing towards a tall cluster of yellowing grass in the distance before making her way towards it. Juliet and Ann followed, chattering excitedly to one another.

Lucie, not one to be outdone, dashed past them. “I’ll catch an Azurill first, and then they’ll be sorry they ever made fun of me!” Lucie thought to herself, grinning wickedly. She reached the thicket before the others and dove straight in, the tallest tendrils of grass reaching above her knees. Her eyes cast over the area, and to her delight, she noticed a body of water behind the greenery. Azurill were known to nest in such places. Remembering this, the girl lunged forward, completely oblivious to the green stains forming on her stockings, only to feel the toe of her shoe hit against something soft. “Huh?”

“Azu!” the object cried, before hopping away as quickly as it could, its body a blue blur.

“It’s an Azurill!” Lucie shrieked, before thrusting her manicured hands forward to try to catch it.

“You found one already?” It was Ann, followed closely by Juliet and Marie, each of them breathing heavily after running to catch up to Lucie. “No fair!”

“Hurry up and help me, it’s getting away!” Lucie yelled, stumbling after the escaping rodent with both hands waving wildly in front of her, trying to grab it.

“You idiot, it’s going towards the water! Throw a Pokeball at it!” Marie shouted. Lucie gasped at her stupidity, and fumbling through the cross-body purse on her shoulder, located a shiny red and white ball.

“Take this!” Lucie threw the ball with all her might, praying that it would hit its target. To her surprise, she heard the release of air that came with a pokeball opening, along with a shrill cry. “Ah, I think I got it!”

Jogging towards the source of the sound, Lucie made it in time to see the last feeble twitches of the orb in the grass before it rolled to its side, all movement ceased. The girl sucked in a breath and screamed. “I caught my first Pokemon!!”

The other girls quickly reached her and watched as Lucie did a victory dance around the ball, shrieking in delight. Marie sighed heavily, while Ann bit her lip and clenched her fists in jealousy.

“Ugh, I can’t believe this little kid managed to catch something before us. She’s got some nerve,” Marie muttered through gritted teeth, her dark hair almost standing on end from anger.

Ann sniffed. “I guess I can accept this defeat, but only if you show us that you really caught it. I’ve never seen an Azurill in person.”

Lucie twirled around to face them, her lips spread wide in an arrogant smirk. “Hehe, let me show you that the great Lucie Chatillon is capable of more than you mere mortals when she puts her mind to it. I won’t have you guys looking down on me again. Now, come on out, Azurill!” Lucie picked up the ball and threw it towards the bank of the nearby pond, just as excited as the others to see her fresh catch up-close.

The ball bounced against the damp earth of the embankment, unleashing a beam of blinding white light before revealing the Pokeball’s contents. Sitting on the dirt curled in on itself was not the aquatic mouse Lucie had been chasing, but an insect with what looked like three blades of grass on its head for antennae, blinking its large round eyes in confusion to reveal squared black pupils. Lucie’s jaw dropped, and Marie immediately burst into uncontrollable guffaws.

“What the hell! You just caught probably the most common Pokemon in Kalos - a Scatterbug!” Marie cackled, hunched over and holding her stomach from the strength of her laughter.

Ann followed her friend’s lead, laughing with almost maniacal delight. “Actually, you are pretty great - you just caught something that isn’t even supposed to exist here! How can you possibly mess up that badly?” The two roared with renewed vigor, and Lucie had to fight hard to keep back the flurry of tears that were threatening to spill from her frustration.

“This is just a mistake. It must have just wandered out of the forest a little ways - it’s not that weird!” Lucie cried, looking at the little black caterpillar in anguish. The bug squirmed its tiny needle arms at her as though demanding an explanation for this travesty. “Ugh… so not cute.”

With some hesitation, Juliet raised up a hand as if waiting for a teacher to call on her. “S-Sorry to interrupt, but actually… I caught that Azurill.”

The girls immediately ceased their laughter, and Lucie whipped her head around with violent force. “What!?”

“D-Don’t get mad, but you said you needed help, and when Marie said to throw a Pokeball at it… I just did it without thinking, and…” Juliet sniffled, holding up the offending red device for all to see.

Lucie stood stunned. No words exited her mouth, only a string of unintelligible mumblings that sounded like a car breaking down. Ann and Marie were equally dumbfounded, and the group stood for quite some time just staring at each other.

For Lucie, it would be a long time before she would become the cute trainer of her dreams. As the wind picked up around them, a tragedy from a different time was being played out, atop a spire of gold…

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Pokemon going for: Scatterbug, Azurill
Characters needed: Simple (5-10k) + Easiest (3-5k) = (maximum 15k)
Characters w/spaces: 25,071

Spoiler

UM yeah this is basically the most cliche thing I could possibly create, but I’m one of the few people who has never actually written a long trainerfic before, and due to the somewhat recent release of X and Y, I thought I would finally try my hand at it. I hope you don’t mind the lack of battles or really anything but introductions happening here, as I really needed to take the time to get all of these characters down and halfway developed and the length was already way over what was needed (plus they don’t have any Pokemon, so a battle is kind of impossible).

Actually, I’ve only ever written short stories before, so this is kind of out of my comfort zone in a lot of ways. My challenge with this is to develop a crapload of characters and show their growth over the course of the story, as well as get better at creating interesting dialogue. Thus the plot is basically nonexistent at this point, though I’m hoping to remedy that later on.

For now though, if you choose to keep up with this for some bizarre reason, don’t expect anything great. It’s just a story I’m writing purely for fun/practice and I’m probably going to keep any future capture attempts to the simple/medium category.

 

Since you keep claiming all of the stories before I can get to them, I'll just have to claim yours instead. Ha!

 

THE BEGINNING STUFF

So we enter the story with a lovely, teaser-esque introduction to the newly-discovered region of France Kalos.

This feels really nice and cute. I had to google your blurb to make sure it didn’t come out of some promotional material for X/Y (not for fear of plagiarism or anything, but because I actually don’t know if that’s the intro-game blurb). Turns out, as you probably know, that it’s not, but I liked the cheerful, encouraging vibe that you generated, along with the sense of adventure and journey-starting and glamor that you managed to convey in this paragraph.

Furthermore, the next bit, with Lucie waking up and chuckling and WORLD DOMINATION THROUGH CUTENESS EXCEPT NO POKEMON OH NO is also really interesting, and it’s refreshing to see a trainer who likes cute Pokémon who isn’t shunned by the community at large for being a magnificent derpface. Furthermore, you’ve got a trainer who’s ostensibly pretty young and actually acts her age, meaning she’s prone to making mistakes, has loud outbursts, and doesn’t have the most forward-thinking mind yet. You convey all of this fairly easily in the first few paragraphs after the italics without blatantly saying much (short of the I wanna be the very best fashion-designer-Pokémon-trainer-awesomepants).

That being said, I’m having issues relating your first introduction (the italics) to what I would almost call a second introduction (the beginning of the rest of the story).

Like. I get it, yeah. Welcome to Kalosfrance; we’re in awesome place.

But it almost feels a little out of place with your actual story, I guess? The italics bit feels like the it would be on the back of the box of a videogame; the story itself feels like the opening of a television show or book with complex plot and characters. And the two don’t quite mesh together as clearly as they maybe should?

What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that being concise and precise is awesome in writing (/she says in a very un-concise and imprecise manner). All of the non-italic bits tell us a bunch of things: that Lucie lives in Kalos, that she wants to be a fashion designer, that she has a big journey ahead of her. The italic bit tells us a bunch of things as well: that this is the region of Kalos, that people can be awesome fashion designers, and that there’s room for a big journey.

See how these kind of overlap a bit?

Perhaps I’m impatient and like to cut to the chase, but I feel like you have two very different introductions that, for all extents and purposes, do the same job. Both introductions do an excellent job, but they also do almost the exact same thing, and you may consider tightening the details here and such.

THE PLOTTY STUFF

I’m a bit torn here.

On one hand, you introduce a ton of characters in a surprisingly adept fashion, leading me to believe that a large focus of this story (and its future installments) will be on the characters and their development, rather than bang bang pow flashy lights Pokémon battles.

On the other hand, soon after we get these awesome and surprisingly-different characters that are already starting to have firm personalities, we go off on an adventure to catch Pokémon ala bang bang pow flashy lights Pokémon battles.

Both of these aspects were executed quite well, though. One of my favorite parts about this story is how you’re handling Lucie—she’s kind of an idiot. She’s smug, she’s foolish, and she’s fairly childish, and she’s basically how (I think) ten year-old tend to act but never get portrayed as in Pokémon fanfiction/games/anime. We don’t get the cold, level-headed Red who’s apparently ten and is calmly taking out gangs in major metropolitan areas using enormous dragons; we get a little girl in a flouncy dress who wants cute things. She has a bedazzled Pokédex.

And this is awesome. For bonus points, you quickly introduce a cast of older characters who are quick to get annoyed with her but end up having to put up with her, which makes for a really interesting dynamic.

I liked all of this. I liked it a lot. Your fascinating characters really made for a more complex story than “this girl walks into the forest to catch her first Pokémon” (which is, in reality, the massively boiled-down version of this story), and I think that was handled wonderfully.

On the other hand, I think the balance of action was a little off. Your people stood in circles and talked for quite a while, which was cool and helped establish a wide cast of characters really effectively and quickly; they are, however, still just standing in circles and talking for a while.

The actual “action” (the parts where people are doing more than walking slowly or talking, I guess? This seems like a harsh measurement) is about one-sixth of the story.

There’s nothing wrong with not having blatant action in a story. Most good stories are about deeper issues than things exploding or people punching one another, and that’s perfectly fine. However, if you’re going to have blatant action, you have to balance it carefully—try to keep it fairly constant and have it escalate, rather than having minimal action and then BOOM BOOM POW CATCHING POKÉMON. In this case, having “let’s talk about ourselves for a while and establish who we are for the audience” (in a markedly less-blatant manner than how I described it here) followed by “WHELP TIME TO GO INTO THE FOREST TO DO EXCITING THINGS” might be more artfully handled as “let’s talk about ourselves for a while and establish who are for the audience whilewe’re in the forest doing exciting things.”

This is a more of a personal-preference thing than a legitimate story-writing rule, and there’s no real measure for how much is too little/too much. All that said, however, try to keep in mind the action of balance and exposition in what you’re writing.

The ending confused me a little, too. I know that this is a chapter-story, so there’s got to be a hook and you (obviously) can’t tie up all of the loose ends in one fell swoop, but:

This feels a little too-heavy handed, I guess? We’re (mostly) cynical people; we understand that it’ll be a long time before people achieve their dreams. But what I’m more confused about is this tragedy from a different time and the spire of gold and stuff.

I, uh, have never played XY and don’t know about Kalos, so maybe it’s an obvious point I’m missing here. But in this case, I have absolutely no idea what this time travel and spire of gold stuff means; rather than being intrigued and hooked for the next chapter, I’m sort of confused.

SO THIS PARAGRAPH WAS MOSTLY ME COMPLAINING ABOUT STUFF. I’M SORRY. In actuality, this was a really well-put together story, and the plot itself is quite solid. I’m mostly just griping because you’re an advanced writer; this isn’t so much UGH THIS IS SO WRONG as it is this is perhaps ways to improve next time?

THE PRETTY STUFF AND THE MECHANICAL STUFF

Realized around here that the maximum rank you’re shooting for is Simple, lol, so most of my commentary becomes substantially dumbed down.

In terms of pure grammar, yeah, you’re fine. You can string a sentence together, and it’s magical, and everything is fine and dandy. Only saw a handful of noticeable typos (and by a handful I think I mean two), and that’s perfectly fine for this rank.

I’M GOING TO CONTINUE LAMENTING ABOUT HYPHENS VERSUS DASHES AND SOME OTHER THINGS FOR A MOMENT AND THAT’S THE ENTIRE GRAMMAR SECTION FOR NOW.

Clearly this is world-changing corrections and stuff.

Having two punctuation marks instead of one looks a little unprofessional, ala “omg I’m so mad!!!11!” that you tend to see in internet chat forums or something. god the people on internet chat forums are clearly so illiterate what nubs In some cases, you might see people using the interrobang (!? or perhaps ?!) when writing characters who are exclaiming questions, but that’s frowned-upon in the super-upper echelons of writing as well, I think. That being said, this is a Pokémon fanfiction, so it’s basically no big deal, lol.

On a random capitalization note, I saw that you sometimes did and sometimes didn’t capitalize “Pokeball/pokeball.” I’m not too fussed as to which convention you use (I tend to switch around depending on whether I’m grading or writing, lol), but just pick one and stick with it within a single story, m’kay? (Ninety-five percent chance that this was a typo anyway)

Also,

Should be Aquacorde River, because river.

The second hyphen, however (after “Kalos”) should actually be a dash, which is the part of speech you’d use for interjections and interruptions. More specifically, it’s an em dash which is alt code 0151, or you can capitalize on autocorrect on most Word processing systems by typing two dashes side by side (--), which will autocorrect into an em dash (—).
So then:

Yup. This, like the !! note, is a monumental change.

Here, you actually don’t need that hyphen. “Up close” is a phrase by itself, not a single word, and appending “up” to “close” doesn’t create a new meaning or anything. You’d just say “up close,” rather than “up-close.”

In this instance, the hyphen is used correctly to join two words together. However, it also serves as a wonderful way to segue into the description-esque part of this grade, so I figured it would stick around here.

Most of the time, your description is medium-rare-minimalist, which is fine. You do an excellent job of conveying what’s happening through the dialogue alone, and you’ve got a nice, brief writing style here that shows wit and kind of reminds me of Hemingway.

However, when you actually do describe stuff in the text itself, be careful. In the above case, we’re told that Lucie has “Victorian doll-like attire.”

That’s, like. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone describe an entire outfit in three and a half words, but I’m not sure that it works here. Let’s unpack the term a bit: what does it actually mean to be wearing Victorian doll-like attire? Is it different from normal Victorian attire? What period of the Victorian era is it from? I’m getting images of tons of ruffles and a really long dress, but is my image of a Victorian doll different from yours? Colors? Petticoat? Those really absurd hats and a classy umbrella?

And, like, I know Lucie is ten, but is this even practical for travelling? Is she going to trip over her frills in her hunt for an Azurill? Does her dress drag in the dirt and get tons of gross stuff all over it? Isn’t it, like, four thousand degrees inside of her sixteen layers of clothing?

“Victorian doll-like attire” is a really loaded term, and you’re making it do way too much here. Although this was definitely the best example of “using one word for many in a case where maybe it’s okay to use a couple more,” don’t be afraid to branch out a little. I’m not suggesting that you spend paragraphs upon paragraphs giving us the detail of the pattern of Lucie’s silk underskirt or whatever dresses what are dresses, but you’re definitely on the side of the spectrum of description that doesn’t mind having a few more words in some key places.

THE NUMERICAL STUFF

Yeah, so you’re a ton over the maximum limits again. That is, of course, perfectly fine, so good for you.

That being said, I came out of this story feeling like very little happened. I understand that this isn’t exactly a fair critique—this is, as you’ve said, a chapter story. As someone who struggles to make chapters in chapter stories work as self-contained events, I totally feel you here. Introductions are gross, and while most stories have the benefit of plowing on after setting the stage to hit up the middle and end bits all in one sitting, chapter stories don’t have that luxury.

You introduced your characters really well, yes, and I foresee an excellent travelling dynamic between them in the future. On the other hand, perhaps because the ending bit felt a little rushed, the bulk of what I got out of this story was “here are all of my characters!” (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing).

I guess this advice has to be different than it would be for a normal story. Each chapter should still have some contribution to the main story—in this case, this chapter’s contribution is to set the ground and get the reader prepared for what is to come. You did that really well, but at the cost of having a good deal of action. My suggestion would be to stretch out the ending bit in the forest a little more—perhaps moving some of the introductory dialogue there, so that people are able to do things instead of standing on routes and talking for a long while before quick quick catching Pokémon.

THE OUTCOME STUFF

I sounded overly critical in the previous paragraph, and I’m sorry—I honestly understand the difficulty between juggling plot inside of a chapter and the overarching plot for the long-spanning stories like this one. I think you handled it quite well, and I’d rather that you overdose on the building aspects than the action aspects (because, as I’ve found out, you end up trying to do things in chapter five that you didn’t plan for earlier, and then oh noes we don’t know what to do we should’ve set this up earlier!).

On its own legs, though, this is still a really cute story. I love Lucie (WAIT WHY DIDN’T I MAKE THAT PUN EARLIER) and how she’s a fairly-realistic ten year-old, and I like her dynamic with the more experienced kids as well. Bonus points for how things really aren’t going her way, and how she’s aiming for the cutest Pokémon in Kalos and gets stuck with the caterpillar.

Speaking of which, Scatterbug and Azurill captured, lol.

I got hyper-critical somewhere in the middle paragraphs, but this story had more than enough good for something as low as a Simple rank, lol. Waaay more than enough good. Careful trying to juggle plot and character introductions in the future, though, m’kay?