Larvitar Rescue (not ready for grading yet need some constructive criticism)

name: smaug85
pokemon wanted: larvitar
rank: complex

-----The young boy silently crept up the frost-covered mountain, softly lit by the night’s full moon. The boy’s short legs could only carry him so far so fast. His sneakers made a trail in the dirt as he dragged his feet under the pressure of the hiking pack. Why a gym leader must have it at the top of one of the tallest mountains in the region, even if he is the rock type leader, I’ll never know. Thought Jack, plus, there isn’t even a city, it’s a gym and a makeshift pokemon center in a desolate area. While Jack was wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t even notice the little green pokemon peeking out from a bush. He was caught completely off guard when the pokemon dashed in front of him and tripped him. He barely had time to turn around to see a little green tail disappearing behind another bush at the other side. Jack looked at himself up and down, he had scrapes, cuts, and bruises all over, not to mention his ankle now swelling up, but Jack pulled himself upped and tried to limp forward till he collapsed a couple of yards away from a ridge on the side of mountain. He tried to pull himself up though in vain for the next ten minutes before a tall, slender, old man picked him up with his frail looking, wrinkled arms and carried him over the ridge to his house, though Jack barely knew that was happening because right after, he passed out.
-----When Jack woke up, he realized he didn’t know where he was, and when he threw off the sheets, his swollen ankle was wrapped in gauze. Then he proceeded to look in the mirror to see his soft brown hair caked in mud and his pale skin darkened with dirt. He was surprised when an ancient, raspy voice said, “You probably should clean up kid, you’ve been out for almost fifteen hours, and I’m hungry because my wife insists on waiting to make breakfast for me till you wake up.” Then the aged man in his faded overalls and red plaid shirt laughed and said softer, “I know you took a nasty spill there, probably sprained your ankle, but where are my manners, my name Charles Howsen and my wife is Nancy. So get washed up now son, oh and I left a change of clothes for you in there, I took them out of your pack if you don’t mind.”
-----“Thank you sir but-“ Jack was caught off as a plump, old woman barged in and said in her elderly yet singsong voice.
-----“Oh there he is, the poor little thing, I’ve made you eggs, toast, bacon, sausage, and pancakes. Sorry I didn’t know what you like so I made it all, oh sorry if I’m a little excited dear but we don’t get many visitors up here, only the ones that come up to challenge Derek, the gym leader. I guess you’ll be staying a while with that ankle of yours.”
-----“But I have to!” said Jack. “I’m on a tight schedule as it is getting my last four badges before the Indigo Plateau Challenge sign-ups end.
-----“Well I guess Charles could get you up by car but you promise me this, that you’ll stay one more night. We’ll leave you alone while you get washed up and then I’ll bring you your food.”
-----“Well um, thank you Mrs. Howsen,” replied Jack. Later, as Jack wandered around the dusty, wooden, cottage, Jack came to learn that Charles used to be the gym leader hear before his nephew took over and that Charles had come to be the Indigo Plateau champion before he lost three years later in an overwhelming and devastating defeat. Jack tried to look around for more about it, but mysteriously, the only thing he found was an article title from a newspaper and a picture about it, like he was too humiliated to remember it. During breakfast Mr. Howsen asked how he took that horrible fall back on the mountain, and Jack told him all about the little pokemon tripping him. Then Mrs. Howsen said in her tender voice.
-----“I wonder… is this the pokemon you mean? Do you mean a Larvitar?” Before picking up a small, green, dinosaur-looking, pokemon.
-----“That’s it, I’d recognize that tail any where!” said Jack. Then he took out his pokedex and the screen registered the pokemon before saying in its robotic voice.
-----“Larvitar, the Rock Skin Pokemon. Larvitar generally hatch deep withing the earthand take a long time before coming to the surface.”

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Sadly this is only about an eighth of what is needed but I have ideas for the rest of the story, but please read it through and tell me anything you catch or what I could improve on, thanks, bye.

 

I am NOT a grader, but since you're asking for help, I hope to be of service.

Aesthetics

Well, Smaug, the first thing you need to do is seperate your paragraphs. You tried to do an indent thing, which is nice, but the dashes don't look good, and you left out the spacing. The point of paragraphs is to break the text into managable chunks. Without spacing between paragraphs, it just looks like a block, defeating the purpose of breaking it into paragraphs.

This is more of an aesthetic issue, but it still affects peoples interest levels. Blocks scare people away. As far as I can tell, you broke them up at the right places, so fixing that should not be difficult.

Personal Nitpicks

A few of your descriptions aren't really doing it for me.

He was surprised when an ancient, raspy voice said, “You probably should clean up kid, you’ve been out for almost fifteen hours, and I’m hungry because my wife insists on waiting to make breakfast for me till you wake up.”

Ancient... hmm... I can see what you're going for. You want to use a word that means "old," but you know that "old" isn't going to cut it. So you bust out a thesaurus and go "A-ha! Ancient is a great word!" And it is. Just not here.

What does the word ancient call to mind? The pyramids of Egypt, perhaps. Or decrepit ruins. Or millenia-old tomes of arcane lore. They could even describe a person. Just not Charles Howsen. Charles Howsen still seems to have a spark in him. But as I was reading, that line made me thing he had been abducted by some evil wizard, rather than rescued by a kindly couple in their twilight years.

“Thank you sir but-“ Jack was caught off as a plump, old woman barged in and said in her elderly yet singsong voice.

Was he cut off or was he caught off guard? I suppose both would work, but it's a bit unclear. This isn't the thing I'm really taking issue with, however.

So we know that she's a plump old woman from the description of her. I can imagine her voice already, but a description is always welcome. The problem I'm having is you described her voice as elderly. It's not that her voice wouldn't sound elderly, so much as we're going to assume that it does unless otherwise noted. An old woman sounding old? No big leap. An old woman sounding young? THAT would be the place to speak up.

The singsong aspect is good, but perhaps instead of, "she said in her singsong voice," why not, "she sang." Very few are going to become confused, believing that she's actually bursting into song, because this is a narrative, not a screenplay. It's art. Paint your scene with words. (Trust me--I KNOW this is easier said than done. Just keep it in mind.)

What I'm saying is, descriptions can make or break a story. Adjectives and adverbs are great words, but only when used sparingly. "Sprinted" is a much better descriptor than "ran quickly," because 'ran' and 'quickly' are very basic words. Look over every sentence and ask yourself, "Is there a more direct way of saying this?" If so, you have an edit to make.

“I wonder… is this the pokemon you mean? Do you mean a Larvitar?” Before picking up a small, green, dinosaur-looking, pokemon.

AUGH!

Plausability

Yes, I AM about to gripe about plausability in a world where monsters throw fire and electricity at each other.

Jack is climbing up a mountain path. So far so good. He's climbing said mountain because the Gym Leader enjoys putting children in harms way. I can dig it. A Pokemon crosses his path and he trips. He was caught off-guard. Could happen to anyone. Suddenly, his entire body is damaged. Wait--WHAT? As he limps away, he passes out. Just how bad WAS his fall anyway?

Maybe you're thinking he was hit by a rock slide, or that he literally fell down the mountain a bit, but that certainly didn't register on my end. You've got to make it a bit more clear. Otherwise he just seems too fragile to be climbing a mountain in the first place.

Final Notes
These are just a few things that stood out to me. I'm sure that someone who actually writes on a regular basis could probably help you more.

I'm planning on posting a story of my own soon, so I hope that if you find anything for me to improve upon, you'll point it out to me as well. Deal?

 

Deal, pm when it's up! yeah i was kinda going for like the larvitar headbutted his ankle, and he slid down the mountain a bit.

 

Ah! Let me see here...

*rereads the passage*

Yeah, that would make a lot more sense. It's good to have a sense of subtlety, but you kind of overshot.

You wrote:

Try something more like this:

I left out the part with the man picking him up because I personally feel that allowing him to pass out first is more cinematic. Once he is out, there is no need to follow his unconsciousness unless something crazy happens. If you disagree, then it's your story. You do what you want.

 

just a comment,
-most people start with easy/simple stories rather then complex.

-and (not tryng to be rude) if you haven't noticed (i didn't notice untill i was here for a while...) that u can buy larvitar from the pokemart...

- if i were to spend hours of my life working on a story, i would get a mon that i can't get by any other means (atm, i mean)

hopefully, i'm not being rude or anything. i just know from a couple of friends i have, that after you work on a long story and realize that u could have just bought it, it's not a very good feeling...

 

I LOVE to write, plus starting with a complex shows that your a skilled writer, plus i don't have a lot of money

 

np it's your, story. i like to write too xD. well...have fun!