Just Like Us (SWC)

(Hi, so I'm clearing all of my stories out for personal reasons. I have copies on my hard drive if, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to do this, but otherwise I'd prefer for this old shame to die old shame. ._.)

 

I have graded this story with Kai-Mei's consent.
The grade will be released when the SWC is over.

 

JUST LIKE US
Kai-Mei

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

The dedication before the story begins added to the author's notes at the end, tell me you're making a gamble. You want to write a serious story with serious themes— something thought-provoking. If you don't quite make it there, you're going to sound pretentious and exploitative. Let's see which happens.

Note: Seeing as the whole thing is probably one long (long long long long) metaphor, I will be using the Attribute!Character naming technique often seen in fanfiction for this story. You familiar with it? If not... it's used in alternate universe situations. Consider stories containing Ash Ketchum. A parody story might have Stupid!Ash. A let's-pair-him-up-with-Misty story might have Mature!Ash. Finally, a edgier story might have Dark!Ash. Like that.

Okay.

You begin with a Rotom in Heat Forme. You start slathering on the Hitler symbolism right from the start. As you've noted in the Author's Notes, you're using quotes from the great dictator himself. You then play it up by having Rotom in Heat Forme. Fire symbolism and fascism do kind of go together, although I think in the particular case of Nazi Germany lightning might do as well.

The "outlined in fiery red aura" seems to call up the effects of a cult of personality.

You then establish the rough parallels: Germans/humans are Rotom. The "Aryans" are Heat Forme and the other formes are the general "subhumans." We'll have to see where the Jews come in.

You alternate Rotom!Hitler's quotes with reaction shots from the crowd, presumably also in Heat Forme. You have them as not quite going along with him until he really turns it up. That's pretty realistic. We also see here that the Wash Forme are the Rotom!Jews. And then the crowd bursts into cheers— good.

That said, you need to think about how you portray Rotom!Hitler. You have him mugging it up for the crowd, yes. That's good. However, he won't be explicitly evil. We of the twenty-first century know Mr. Hitler as one of the great symbols of evil because of his horrific actions before and during the Second World War. However, he did not put himself forward as an evil person during his rise to power. At that time, he had to build sympathy with his power base, the "pure race" of Germany. He needed to seem sympathetic to them. In hindsight, he may be "grinning wickedly" or "crowing" or "glowing with malice," but to his audience he is not going to seem like that! It's the fact that he was a genuine hero to many Germans in the 30s that helps to contribute to how much we hate him now— he had them eating out of the palm of his hand as he led them down into the darkness... the Germans may not have entirely gotten over it yet, although I'll bet the East/West Germany disaster helped. So what I'm saying is that the first section/prologue may be more effective if you tone down the (overt!) evilness of Rotom!Hitler. Slow creeping horror kind of thing.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

Adolf Hitler serves one purpose today: cautionary tale. There's little else we can do with him, but he is still an undeniably important part of twentieth-century history. So what do the schoolteachers do? Turn him into a lesson on speaking out and not submitting to the mob mentality. Western civilization can be deliciously vindictive: from man who would conquer Europe to the bogeyman, and he's not been dead a century. Serves him right. The drawback of this is that any story containing Hitler, if it's not a war story or a Stupid-Jetpack-Hitler story, becomes very predictable. We know what themes are almost always going to come up: Holocaust, horror, resistance, hope. It's the standard narrative because it's so powerful. Have you written a good story despite the predictability? Does this Pokemon fable work?

In short, it does. I could predict the end of the plot by the time I was halfway through, but that didn't matter. You managed to strike a balance between drama and I'm-gonna-make-you-cry. (No, I didn't cry. I was too busy being a literary critic and taking notes for the grade which kind of insulated me. Could've, though, if I were younger.)

The plot outline is simple: two boys on either side of a concentration camp fence. The German boy starts to doubt what his authority figures are telling him and strikes up a friendship with the other boy. Things lead one to another and there is no happy ending. It's hardly original, but you know what you're doing with it.

Some minor things:

You tend to end many sections with a single portentous sentence. A verbal "dun-dun-dun!" That's fine once, but don't overuse it. Bad comedy lies down that path.

You try to move the plot along by having Eric say his thoughts out loud without intending to. Who does that, really? It damaged my suspension of disbelief.

That *** break after Albert asks Eric about Ethan is kind of awkward. You should just have kept both parts as one section instead of dividing them.

You make things interesting with the removal of the Secret Key. Eric's removing it seems kind of forced, but its implications are really important for the plot. Nice twist.

We know what is happening in this story from the very beginning. You milk that for all it's worth. Dramatic irony everywhere. Powerful stuff. Subtlety seems to have taken a hit, though; we have rain on cue when the family finds out that Eric's dug into the camp. It's blatant.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

Using actual historical dialogue from Hitler adds an extra authenticity to this story. Beyond that, there's no big deal when it comes to dialogue. Most everybody talks the same, except when it comes to the stiff formality needed around der Führer. Whether intended or not, it reinforces your intended moral: everyone's the same deep down.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

Eric--- A child's perspective on the Holocaust. You try to depict him as self-centered, etc. as a child usually is. There's that conflict between what he's told and what he sees. He flip-flops a few times as he reinterprets what he sees in Ethan. The adults are pretty good at influencing him, too. He has the dumbest motivations for things, but that's how life works.

Ethan--- Eric's counterpart. He's somewhat idealized, an idea more than a character, but that's to be expected given his role. He's the focal point for Eric's conflict over whether Rotom!Jews are as evil as the propaganda says.

Heidi--- A typical young older sister character. The passage where she crushes on Arthur is kind of jarring, though.

Arthur--- Eric's would-be role model. You flip this upside down nicely when he doesn't recognize Eric thanks to his forme change.

Parents--- Pretty stereotypical for this setting. The father is an Important Man and doesn't have time for his son. The mother is distracted. But they do show their love for him in the end... when it's too late. You don't pull your punches.

You have a protagonist, someone for the protagonist to look up to, several well-defined foils, and no single antagonist. I am liking this relatively complex use of characterization.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

Minor and rare typoes.

Please note: you occasionally switch "Eric" and "Ethan." You probably used names starting with the same letter to bring home the parallel between the Rotom!German and the Rotom!Jew. You have to be super careful when you do this, though, or you're going to flip things by mistake.

Usage of "smirk" and "smug."
Please keep in mind that these words have a negative connotation. A smug smirker is someone who is arrogant and insufferable. Use such words with care, because they will have a major impact on how the reader views the character.

The Rotom who Eric and Ethan meet while on their way to the ovens: male or female? You've used both "him" and "her."

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

You may be overextending with some of the similes:

That's kind of pushing it.

"A single tear." This detail comes up many times in your story. Repetitive things like this, when not cliched, are usually used for some greater symbolism. I'm not seeing any symbolism...
I contrast this with "like us." That's in your title and you return to it again and again. Your intention seems to be to emphasize the common humanity of Jews and Germans. Or the common Rotom-ity of Rotom!Jews and Rotom!Germans. It's a little heavy-handed for my taste, but it definitely works as you intended. You also upgraded the superficial differences between Jews and other ethnic groups by assigning them to Formes. This might seem to be racist except that you then give them the ability to change "race" by removing their Secret Keys. The implications are major, but outside the scope of this story. And apparently Rotom!Nazis can produce their own Zyklon-B. Maybe I shouldn't look at this too closely.

I think I can see what you mean with this sentence, but there's a problem. The "events... crashed" thing doesn't work. Try:

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

Aren't Rotom incorporeal? You mention skin and the ability to burn them. I guess that since they aren't Ghost-Type in their alternate Formes, it wouldn't count. They do have bodies- the appliances they possess. But Eric died in Normal Forme. Can ghosts die and be burned? I suppose that in this story, they can. You know what? This entire line of reasoning is pointless. It's an alternate universe!

Bruno: what is he? You mention that he's an admiral, but that would mean a naval rank. What would a sailor be doing administering a concentration camp? The reasons would have to be complex... and interesting. Interesting is good.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Double capture.
Rotom x2 (DEMANDING 40,000-55,000)
Expected length: 80,000-110,000
Your length: 86,066
's all right.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

The story of a boy who finds out that his oppressed countrymen are not so different from him after all is rather old and formulaic, especially in young-adult fiction. That said, formulae are there for a reason: they're what works. This story could've been more powerful, but that would have required going all the way to literature status.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Rotom captured! Both of them! Good work.