Jelly Jelly

Aww, they look sweet together! However, I find them sickening to watch.

I sit on a park bench a bit near to theirs, making sure not to make it seem that I'm stalking them. While I can only see their backs, when they look at each other, enjoying their date, their sweet expressions shine on me. Their saccharine moment leaves a bitter taste of jealousy on my part, but I want to keep my face and not cause a scandal at this park.

If I say so myself, the girl looks bland. A slightly above average face, which looks good because she has smooth skin, to her credit. Her long black hair lands on her beige blazer with a pink shirt underneath. She looks like a slob compared to her date, Brian. Bless his parents, he screams of perfection. His hair is raised, complementing his face and his smile that brightened up the park and my life. His turtleneck shirt and denim pants fits his figure well.

I still wonder why he asked that boring plate of a girl like her on a date, when my colorful candyfloss hair, perfectly clear skin, and my fashion sense could outdazzle her into oblivion.

Anyways, the couple stood up and started to say their farewells to each other. They are now going on different directions as they leave, and so I must deal with the girl now.

---

Before we reach the quieter part of the town, I took out Chewy, my Swirlix. She is a Pokemon with a fluffy and very light pink body made out of cotton candy, with two pink feet that gets hidden under her fluff and a light pink tail that she wags whenever she's happy or when she's preparing to use her sugary powers. Chewy is going to be important in my sweet plan.

Before the girl goes away, I call her out. "Hey, you!" I shout.

The girl notices me, then looks around before she asks, "Me?"

"Yes, you! Who do you think you are, going out with Brian?" I say, walking closer in her direction. Chewy follows me by wobbling with her tiny feet.

The girl flashes a confused look. "Brian? Wait, who are you? I don't understand anything at all."

"Don't act as if you're innocent! I'll have you know that Brian is mine only and that you're out of his league," I say. "Chewy, attack!"

Chewy hopped forward and started to blow wind from her mouth. The course of wind has strands of pink cotton candy that shimmer in the sunset light and starts to latch onto the girl. The cotton candy lands on her mouth first to keep her from screaming, and it continues to creep downwards. The girl starts to run, but once the cotton candy reaches her arms, it constricts her mummy-style. She tries to frantically get out of the cotton candy but Chewy's attack is special that it's durable for what we are currently doing. The cotton candy starts to reach her thighs, and the girl is now incapable of running and trips.

"Full power now, Chewy!" I say to my Swirlix.

Chewy starts to blow stronger, with more cotton candy along with it. The cotton candy now covers the girl and it looks like a pink cloud has landed on the ground. It shimmers for a while, then it goes back into a large pile of cotton candy.

"It's okay to eat it now," I say to Chewy, who looks eager to charge into the pink cloud.

Chewy starts to eat the cotton candy with relish, and I smile knowing that my Pokemon is happy and no other girl gets to be with Brian, for now.

---

"It's time to make some cotton candy now, Chewy. Let's start!" I say to my Swirlix. The Pokemon hops in excitement.

We own a small cotton candy stall and we sell near the park where Brian and the girl (Bless her soul, but not really.) hadd their date back then. The stall is cloud-themed, and I colored it with a light pink color since we're selling cotton candy.

The cotton candy we sell is different from Chewy's attack. The edible stock for our store is safe, normal, and is sweeter than cotton candy made of sugar. Chewy's move, however is a special skill from Swirlixes like her. It requires a special delicacy called Whipped Dream, made from top quality MooMoo Milk and specially flavored by Chewy's evolution: Slurpuff. It can turn anything into cotton candy once it completely engulfs it, but it seems that nobody tried it on humans. Except me, but it is something I will keep to myself, so that Brian will not think of me as creepy.

Either it's the thought of Brian, or a mere coincidence that he came at my stall. I can feel my cheeks warming pink, but I can always say that it's the glow of my cotton candy stall. His camouflage jacket, black shirt, and a nice pair of jeans has shaken me to my core, again.

"Hey, Brian! Are you gonna buy some of my sweets?" I say, making my wide smile seem like a enthusiastic store owner's.

"Hey, Mina." He greets me with that warm smile again. "I would love some cotton candy but I have a date now. Rose hasn't contacted me for the last few days, she might be ghosting me."

I don't make it obvious that I know the truth behind that. "Aww, she's so weird to ignore someone like you. I'm sure you'll find someone better." Someone like me, I say in my mind.

Brian smiled again, putting me in a near-melting state. "Oh well, thanks Mina!" He leaves, his model-quality stature for me to enjoy.

I sigh, knowing some girl that is not me will enjoy his company. What is with me that he can't think of taking me out on a date? Is it my hair that I admit looks like the cotton candy I sell? Or is it my fashion sense that tends to lean towards the pink color spectrum?

Anyways, I'll wait until I can close the shop and find who's the girl unlucky enough to date someone who is off-limits.

Chewy senses the situation, and wags her tail in anticipation. She likes eating her own delicacies.

---

I seriously doubt Brian's taste in women. The girls made me look like the goddess of beauty and charm. This one girl had an airport for her forehead. Another girl's nose was so big it should be a separate entity. The worst of all was the third girl who apparently smelled so bad it still stank when she turned into cotton candy and Chewy did not even go near it, so we doused it with water to dissolve it. I pity Brian's nose.

While I feel no bad emotions for the girls, I feel sad for Brian, because he keeps on going to dates and the constant "disappearance" of the girls might hamper his confidence that he might not consider asking me out.

Anyways, a new day shines in our cotton candy store, but Brian's incoming gloomy face seems to drag down the once uplifting mood.

"Hi, Mina," he says, not quite energetic and warm than usual. "All these girls keep on ignoring me or something. Is it my fault or what?"

He still doesn't know my sweet secret, which works for me. "It's definitely not because of you. Maybe you just get the weird bunch of girls." I try to put sweetness in my tone to cheer him up.

Brian sighs, his breath the only warm in him right now. "I don't really know, Mina. I feel slightly unlucky."

You're actually way too lucky. For getting my forever loyal love for you. "If it helps, would you like to meet at the park next week? You really need to lighten up."

Sweet Swirlix, that was an impulse!

Brian smiles a little, which turns my mood into something much better. "Okay, I guess. See you then," he says, then leaves.

I can feel my cheeks turning into a more vibrant shade of pink than this pink stall. Chewy shares my sentiments, and we create more cotton candy for today.

---

Today is the day! I really prepared for this date with the Brian of my dreams. I picked out this salmon dress that just reaches up to my knees. I also have my thin jacket, a bit darker shade of pink, since it feels chilly at around four in the afternoon recently. My shoes, of course, are pink, and the socks are white to complement my looks.

Chewy sits on my lap. I can feel her giddiness as she wiggles around daintily with excitement. She knows how much I wanted this to happen in my life. I'm surprised she can actually sit in my lap; in any other case she would hop around joyfully.

Finally, Brian comes in his unbelievable charm. His light green turtleneck sweater fits him nicely, as usual, and it complements his dark green pants. His hair is raised again, which also raises my emotions right now.

I stood up, Chewy hopping into the bench. "Hi, Brian! You look great, as always."

Brian smiled. "Thanks! You look nice too."

An impulse creeps into me. "Actually, Brian, I have something to tell you. I actually like you and I feel a bit jealous every time you go on a date. But I feel sincerely sad every time your dates don't reply to you."

He smiled, but something seems wrong. "Oh. Thanks, Mina, but I only think of you as friend. You're someone who cheered me up on my failed dates. I still hope we can be friends, though."

I feel like a heavy downpour swept me like my own cotton candy. I wish the ground would eat me so that I could disappear away from this sadness. I can't believe Brian, my one and only, is not interested in me and even friend-zoned me.

The mood has turned awkward. "Well, I guess I'll see you next time?" He turns around and walks away, each step making my tears rise up my eyes.

I look at Chewy, who looked just as sad as me. "Chewy, could you make him sweeter for me?"

Chewy stares at me for a short while, a bit shocked, but finally nods in determination.

She hops towards Brian's direction and inhales air to prepare for her attack. When the air she inhales is enough, she blows it, with more fairy glitter in the shapy of cotton candy strings added in the mix. The special cotton candy latches on Brian's nape until it reaches his mouth, therefore muffling him.

Brian suddenly feels the creeping cotton candy in him. He turns around and tries to take the growing sweet muffler around him, but his hands become tied along as the fairy wind blows more of the cotton candy and reaches his arms.

By this time, the special cotton candy encases his abdomina area, his arms trapped at an awkward angle. With his position, he falls down on his back. The cotton candy starts to reach down his legs, which further immobilizes what is remaining of his struggling body.

Brian's face is the last to be fully covered. I walk towards him, making sure that I do not get hit by Chewy's wind. I see his still sparkling eyes, wide with shock and terror.

"You can guess what happened to your previous dates, my dear Brian."

Brian's eyes could not have been any bigger.

"If I can't have you, then no one else will."

Tears started to flow in Brian's eyes. However, Chewy's special cotton candy does not dissolve in water while it is still in its growing stage.

The sweet cloud finally covers all of him. It then starts to glow, converting the contents inside to cotton candy. The light is the prettiest I've ever seen out of all my victims.

Chewy starts to eat, and so do I. I take a piece where Brian's lips should have been.

He was very sweet.
---

Spoiler

Target: Swirlix (Medium)
CC: 10,712

Author's notes:

1. I edited the story because I analyzed myself and I would have failed the story XD if it's not allowed I'll edit it back ^^

2. This is a story trade with Morru.

3. Lemme just cover my bases, here's the inspiration of the story (with no cannibalistic cotton candy monsters lol)

Spoiler

 

claim!

 

THE STORY STUFF

I know that you often take inspiration from music videos, but I really appreciate how much you made this plot more of your own—incorporating Mina’s sickly-sweet nature, the cotton candy cannibalism, and so forth really made this story much more of your own. And thematically, what you had fit very well: this story is awash with Mina’s emotions, ranging from cloyingly sweet to externally bright/cheerful to childishly immature, and all of these are expressed really well in the cotton candy metaphor. The way you tied the Pokémon into this otherwise mundane plot was really creative as well.

In short: inspiration is tricky, and adapting someone else’s work in a way that’s still unflinchingly your own is even trickier. While I hesitate to shut down your inspirational venue of choice, especially because you did so well here, the best I can do is advise you to exercise the same amount of care and originality as you did here when adapting something that already has a plot, such as a music video—it worked out pretty well for you in this instance.

The rest of the plot is overall tightly-paced, which is great for creating a suspenseful, tense atmosphere. While part of that is parallel to your source material, I also think it worked out well here. Because we see the story through Mina’s eyes, we already know most of the plot twists, so it’s more of watching a train driving off of a cliff than trying to solve the mystery—what you had felt like just the right length.

The one thing I would advise against in your storytelling is excessive exposition:

This stuck out more because of how trimmed-down the rest of your story is: it’s almost a nonstop barrage of Mina’s growing psychopathy as she tries to get Brian, but the scene at her cotton candy stall feels a little too drawn out in the context of the story. For comparison, this paragraph is about as long as the paragraph when Mina first cannibalizes Brian’s first date, but the former is much more impactful/shocking to the story.

Sometimes less is more. In this case, I don’t think you had to derail too much to explain the logic behind Chewy’s attack. This is a largely nonsensical story about a girl commanding her sentient, magical cotton candy to eat people alive; my questions aren’t really about the science of how this is possible (especially because the answer is “more magic”/”because Pokémon”), but more about what’s driving Mina to do this and how this will bring her to interact with the rest of the world.


THE TONE STUFF

You do a great job of setting the tone here, even as early as the first sentence:

This was a killer (pardon the pun) first sentence, as it both creates a sense of intrigue and strongly establishes Mina as a character. She’s aware of how the rest of the world sees things, but we get a good sense of how Mina sees this situation, and you do a great job of maintaining that tone through the rest of her narration. And there’s the added double entendre of what it means for someone to look “sweet” in Mina’s eyes.

First person narration is pretty tricky to pull off, but I think you did a good job here. This was a bold but effective narration choice, and you did a good job of setting up Mina as quasi-sympathetic before being all “LOL NOPE SHE’S A SUPERMURDERER”, but it’s still garishly entertaining to read this story from her point of view.

You got a bit sloppy with the perspectives near the end:

Note how you outright state that Brian feels something happening, while the rest of the story is strictly from Mina’s perspective—while the sentences that follow, describing Brian falling to the ground as the cotton candy eats him, work out fine from her point of view, she shouldn’t be able to say how Brian feels about something because she’s not-Brian. This is even more out-of-place given how the bulk of the plot is driven by Mina’s complete inability to understand Brian’s feelings in general.


THE PRETTY STUFF

Stories like this, where the protagonist is the lead of your story (and should therefore have the reader’s allegiance) and the protagonist is also an openly horrible person (and should therefore not have the reader’s allegiance) are tricky to pull off, especially in a small amount of time. I think you balanced this especially well with your description: you were unapologetic in shaping Mina to be the disgruntled, jealous, friend-zone-ee, which is an interesting change in perspective from how the narrative typically goes.

And it’s very easy to fall on the extremes of this spectrum: either your protagonist is so unlikeable that the story is difficult to read, or the reader is left wondering if you really think that people should predatorily stalk their crushes and eat any competitors. The way that some of your sentences were so absurd really helped you stay in the middle of these two extremes and create a readable character while making it clear that she wasn’t in the right:

For instance, this section is really good—you establish Mina’s motivations/reasoning behind what she’s doing (because she thinks she’s better than all of Brian’s other dates), while making it clear that her line of thinking is incredibly superficial. I don’t have much to offer in the way of improvement here; I just wanted to call attention to a portion of the story that I think you handled really well.


THE GRAMMAR STUFF

There were a few typos here and there. I know you know what to do there!


OVERALL STUFF

A delightfully terrifying story that was just long enough to pack a punch. Good stuff here! Most of my critiques are for future work/to keep in mind for higher-rank captures; what you had here was more than enough for a Medium-rank. Great job keeping a good tone, a well-paced plot, and a creative narrator! Swirlix is captured!