Input Lag

Medicham took one step too far out of the fog of war, revealing that he had less than half of his HP left and giving Sebby all the information he needed to go in for the kill. He commanded Bisharp around the line of pixellated trees, dashed over the river wall and eviscerated the nimble fighter with one Shadow Claw, sending him back to base with a 90-second death timer. The enemy team flooded the chat window, but instead of complaining that Sebby had clearly haxxed their carry with that crit, they spewed insults at their own teammate. Sebby’s team caught up with him as he continued trudging through the jungle on the enemy’s side of the map. As Shadow Claw’s cooldown refreshed, Bisharp’s razor-sharp gauntlets glinted silver and Sebby hovered his finger over his Q key again, ready for the final fight.

The onslaught came from the left. While his enemies were barking in chat, they had silently assembled themselves behind another line of trees. Sebby was out of position—his tank, a sturdy Rhyperior, was lumbering up the screen too slowly to defend him. A bright spark crackled into Sebby’s line of sight, sending a sharp thrill down his spine, but he reacted instinctively and cast Sucker Punch with one swift stroke. As the Thunder Wave connected, Bisharp vanished and reappeared behind the enemy Raichu, knocking it through the trees into his team as they brought up the rear.

There were still three enemies to deal with, however, and they had been gathered right next to their teammate, ready to strike. As he flung Raichu away, Sebby cast Shadow Claw, lunging at the feeble Chansey cowering behind its team. The Egg Pokémon had cast Softboiled on the Raichu, but since Sebby had knocked it out of range the clerical attack had failed, leaving Chansey stuck in a long whiff animation. With almost no Defense, it fell easily to a few autoattacks as its teammates tried in vain to attack the spot where Bisharp had been only milliseconds before. The kill reset Shadow Claw’s cooldown again, and Sebby focused his efforts next on the opposing tank.

Bisharp channeled for half a second, sharpening his blades. They glinted even brighter as Sebby gained a buff that allowed him to pierce through his opponent’s Defense, making that Aggron’s Metal Coat nigh-useless. He rushed in, ready with another Shadow Claw. Bisharp thrust its arm at the iron behemoth and the game froze.

A small blue box appeared on the screen. “Attempting to reconnect.”

“THAT WAS A TOURNAMENT BATTLE!” Sebby barked as his door opened a crack.

“It’s time to get back to your homework,” his mom responded, her lips pursed in a frown, barely stepping inside. She shifted the laundry basket in her other arm as she began to lose her grip, but instead of letting go of the doorknob she turned around and closed the door behind herself without another word.

Sebby jabbed at his computer, but before his fist hit the screen he clenched it until his fingers dug into his fist. He shoved his mouse off of the unopened yellow envelope he had been using as a mousepad and ripped the package open.

”Your final project, worth 30% of your final grade, is to care for the Pokémon attached to your envelope.”

Sebby clawed through the clutter on his desk until he found a Pokéball nestled in the corner behind a plush Bisharp and an empty bag of chips. He picked up the ball and continued reading.

“You will be graded on battling ability—“ Sebby scoffed. His screen was still frozen, but in the bottom-left corner, next to the portrait of Bisharp, a small golden ribbon waved in the digital breeze. It had only taken him a year of playing Defense of the Pokémon League to carry his way out of the lower ranks and into the Master tier. It took barely the stroke of a finger to command Pokémon like puppets.

“—and on their affinity for the trainer. Students are expected to train their Pokémon to battle at a basic level, but it is more important that they win the trust and friendship of their Pokémon. This skill is essential to—“

Sebby stopped reading, crumpled the paper once in his fist, and let it drift back down to his desk. Meanwhile, he stuffed the Pokéball in his pocket and, after one last angry look back at his computer, he stomped outside.

Sebby hadn’t seen what kind of Pokémon he had been assigned yet, so he eyed the Pokéball for a second before lobbing it in the soft grass. To his surprise, a Vulpix materialized in a red haze. The smoke wafting from its body smelled like cheap incense, but it dissipated almost as soon as it appeared, leaving Sebby’s nostrils clear of everything except the fresh scent of morning dew.

The Vulpix looked him up and down, then inched closer, still scanning Sebby with its eyes. Sebby took a confident step forward. He had played as Vulpix a thousand times. It was a special attacker whose abilities left foxfires behind in their wake, temporarily increasing Vulpix’s special attack when she walked over them. Her ultimate ability was Scorched Earth, a raging maelstrom of flames that could take down almost anything late in the game. He didn’t notice the skeptical tilt in the Pokémon’s neck or the way it was baring its teeth in apprehension. He didn’t notice that it had begun to produce a thick haze of aromatic smoke again.

Sebby stepped within reach of the fox’s forehead and it barked at him. He balked as his heart skipped a beat, and fell backwards with his hand still outstretched. The Vulpix approached him on its own terms, sniffing at his feet and then hands. The cloud of smoke emanating from the Pokémon surrounded Sebby’s head and overwhelmed his nose with its florid tones, and Sebby nearly drifted off.

After a few seconds, the smoke began to clear again, but the Vulpix was gone. Sebby whipped his head around in panic, only to find its nose inches away from his own. The Vulpix bounced back and yelped again. This time, Sebby was silent. He very slowly laid his arm out towards the fox and let it sniff his hand again. Finally, the Vulpix calmed down, it stopped breathing so heavily, and it stood over Sebby, displaying its pride in its upturned nose, but condescending to accept his leadership with a paw placed gently on his chest.

Sebby hauled himself upright and looked down at the Vulpix. Its coat was glossy, but short, and the Pokémon appeared smaller without the incense shrouding its body. Sebby stared off into the forest and then back at his Vulpix. He exhaled deeply and then, as he walked toward the woods, said, “Come on!”

After he had walked far enough into the forest that he could barely see his house any more through the trees, Sebby paused and turned to the fox following close at his heels. He looked around and found a stump that was almost as tall as the Vulpix.

“Okay Vulpix, let’s see what you can do! Use Whirling Flames!” He punched the air with his fist, pointing at the stump. After a moment, he looked to the ground and found the Vulpix looking up expectantly. His ears were perked up, waiting for instruction, but he had a pained look on his face.

“Come on, Vulpix, use your Whirling Flames on that stump!” Sebby said, coaxing the Pokémon to move with a gentle push. Vulpix hopped forward and reared its head back as if it were going to attack, but when it landed on the ground with a soft thud again, it paused, sat down on its hind legs, and looked back at Sebby with its head cocked to the side. Sebby grunted and shook his hands as if he were trying to find the right button to click to force his Pokémon to attack.

“Come on, Vulpix, it’s like your most basic ability,” Sebby whined. “Isn’t that the one you learn first?” He inched closer and put his hand on the fox, guiding it forward to the stump. The trainer bent down and put his head close to the Pokémon’s and put his hand on the target.

“Okay, listen, I want you to incinerate this stump.”

Before he had even finish speaking, the Pokémon came to life, stood up straight, and blasted the stump with a burst of flames that nearly singed Sebby’s hair off. He leapt back and landed on his bum for the second time that afternoon. Vulpix was sitting on its hind legs, its lips curled in an eager smile, fanning the flames behind it with the wagging of its tails.

“Huh,” Sebby said, scratching his head, “I thought Incinerate was Charizard’s move. Yeah, that’s his Q.” He scrunched his brow and turned back to the Pokémon.

“Vulpix, use Incinerate again.” The fox hopped around and, while it was still in the air, let loose another deluge of fireballs at the burning stump. Sebby’s jaw dropped as the flames illuminated his face with a bright red glow.

“Okay, let me think of some others,” he said. He put his face in his hand and tapped his forehead with his finger.

There were other playable fire-types in Defense of the Pokémon League. Sebby’s secondary main was Blaziken, who could beat just about any opponent one-on-one with his Blaze Kick. Charizard had a devastating Flare Wing attack that he could use to fly halfway across the map to attack his target. Mega-Camerupt’s ultimate was Eruption, which had potentially the highest AoE damage in the game. Sebby looked back at his Vulpix. The Pokémon looked puny next to the rising column of flames behind it.

“Oh, wait!” Sebby exclaimed. “Vulpix, can you use Flame Charge?” The Vulpix jumped up and a ball of flames engulfed its body. It rushed forward and dashed past the stump, dragging a trail of flames behind it. Vulpix landed on the ground, leaving a black streak in the damp leaves.

“Flame Charge!” Sebby yelled, pointing at a tree a few feet away. The Vulpix barreled through the leaves again.

“Flame Charge! Incinerate!” The Vulpix followed Sebby’s every move as he controlled it like one of the Pokémon in his game. He commanded, and the Vulpix attacked. He held his hands up in the air like a puppeteer and pulled his Pokémon’s strings as it blasted across the clearing.

“Okay, I think it’s time to stop. That stump’s had enough,” he sniggered. The Pokémon stopped and dug its heels into the ground, and an almost imperceptible energy, like a gentle breeze, whirled around the flames and dissipated them into thin air. The stump and the ground around it were charred black but the forest was otherwise unharmed. A thin wisp of smoke drifted up from the stump and floated away in the breeze.

“Hold on,” Sebby said, looking around. “Don’t your abilities leave behind foxfires?” The Vulpix stared up at him with curious eyes. It had that pained look again, its brow wrinkled and its jaw set. Sebby groaned and walked deeper into the forest with his Vulpix in tow. As Sebby clomped through the loam and crunched sticks and dead leaves, the Vulpix hopped alongside him across the rocks and stumps sticking out of the ground.

After a minute, Sebby saw another tree that looked like a good target, and, looking straight ahead, he pointed and yelled, “Flame Charge!”

He heard a thud behind him as Vulpix, lagging behind, tripped trying to land on a rock and fell to the ground. Sebby swung around, dropping his hand and curling it into a frustrated fist. He cried, “Come on, do what I tell you! You were doing so well before!”

He switched his focus from the tree to a pile of rocks stacked like a lean-to. “Let’s see if you can knock that over! Flame Charge!”

Vulpix looked at the pile of stones, then sat on its rock, shook its head and yipped a warning. Sebby was taken aback.

“What the heck, Vulpix? You know that one!” He turned to face the stones directly, stared down his nose and thrust his arm out as if by pointing every part of his body it would force the Vulpix to obey.

“Flame Charge!” The Pokémon sat and smoldered.

“Vulpix!” he roared, “Use Flame Charge!” The Vulpix barked back a retort, but turned and blasted the pile of stones with a ball of flames. The pile crumbled and a metallic scream pierced the air. When the smoke cleared, it revealed an angry set of teeth bared in Sebby’s direction. The Mawile walked directly at him, so that all he could see were its gigantic jaw. Vulpix hadn’t moved from the stone, and it sniggered as the Mawile made a beeline for its trainer.

The Pokémon raised its maw and bellowed at Sebby. Thoroughly rattled and shaking in his boots, he turned to his Pokémon. “Uh... Vulpix?”

The fox turned away and didn’t budge from the rock. Meanwhile, Mawile draw back its teeth, poised for an attack. Sebby put his arms up in a last feeble defense, and in one fluid movement feigned a dash in his direction, but turned on its heel and rushed at Vulpix head-on, slamming the fox with its body and hurling it through the air. Vulpix crashed into a tree and Sebby, suddenly unfrozen, rushed to its side.

Vulpix shuddered as it tried to stand, but was able to get a stable footing and turn to face the Mawile. The deceiver had turned to the side to look askance at Vulpix past the black ears that drooped from the top of its head. It leaned forward to put its weight on its right leg and used its right hand to push its ear out of the way so that it could stare directly into Vulpix’s eyes. Sebby turned to his Pokémon and said, “Okay, Vulpix. This time for real: Flame Charge!”

Vulpix rushed at the Mawile, followed by a trail of red-hot flames. The wild Pokémon squared its body, bracing for impact. It surrounded itself with a silver light that glinted as if its entire body had suddenly turned to metal. Vulpix closed in, about to make contact, when the metallic sheen disappeared and Mawile leapt out of the way, whirling its body around and crunching down on Vulpix’s tails with its fake jaw. Vulpix yelped and blasted the Mawile with a fireball, earning its freedom with a split second of distraction. The Mawile shook its head, but otherwise appeared unfazed by the attack.

“Vulpix, try using Incinerate this time!” The two Pokémon walked in a circle for a moment, sizing each other up. Finally, the Mawile bared its teeth again, and Vulpix stopped to face it. The fox opened its mouth to charge up a ball of flames, but just as it was about to release the attack, the Mawile lunged forward. Vulpix nearly released the attack, but the Mawile suddenly turned in midair, closing its maw and using it to shield its body. Instead of using Incinerate, the fox ducked, dashed under the Mawile, and rocketed around the clearing in a sharp, fiery circle. The Mawile’s real body was facing towards Vulpix with its eyes wide, and it tried to swing its maw around. The deceiver didn’t have enough time to guard itself before Vulpix careened into it, sending the Mawile flying backwards and skidding through the layer of dead leaves on the forest floor.

“I didn’t tell you to use Flame Charge!” Sebby cried, stomping the ground. Vulpix cowered for a second, giving the Mawile enough time to lift its head up from the ground blast Vulpix with a ball of silver light. The fox tried to get a grip as it was sent barreling across the ground, finally finding purchase on a root protruding from the soil. It knitted its brow and began walking back toward the Mawile with its head low to the ground.

“We need more firepower,” Sebby said. “Vulpix, it’s time to use your ultimate! Scorched Earth!” The Vulpix did a double take, losing its fighting poise as it gawked at Sebby with wild eyes. Across the clearing, Mawile picked itself up and began rushing back at Vulpix with its arms and giant maw streaming behind it.

“Use Scorched Earth!” Sebby yelled frantically, throwing his arms up into the air. Vulpix stood in one place, its eyes darting between watching the Mawile and looking expectantly up at Sebby, unable to figure out what he wanted it to do.

“Fine! Do whatever you want!” Sebby screamed, exasperated. Vulpix broke out of its reverie as Mawile once again turned at the last second, attacking not with its body, but with the nightmarish mouth on its back. Vulpix shot a burst of flames through its teeth, burning the inside of the fake maw and sending the Mawile reeling.

“Use Incinerate again while its not looking!” Sebby said, his heart pounding. Vulpix did as he ordered, barraging the Mawile with an onslaught of flames. The Mawile sat in a heap with its shoulders hunched, and its body heaved up and down. With each ball of fire that hit it, the Mawile let out a shrill metallic whine.

“Wait,” Sebby said, holding his arm out, signaling the Vulpix to back off, “it might really be hurt.” Vulpix protested and held a ball of fire in its mouth, gesturing toward the Mawile.

“No, don’t,” Sebby said. Vulpix continued to advance.

“Vulpix! I’m ordering you to—”Vulpix moved within reach of the Mawile’s mouth, and Sebby noticed his opponent shift its weight ever so slightly.

“Oh!” Sebby gasped, and then yelled, “Do it!” Mawile whirled around, baring its teeth again, only to receive another mouthful full of flames. Sebby couldn’t believe that he had nearly been out-played by a real Pokémon, but in that moment, he understood that his Vulpix was more in-tune with the flow of the battle than he was, so he untensed his muscles and let his arms fall to his side.

“Okay, Vulpix,” he said, finally calm, “I trust you. Let’s beat this Mawile.” The Mawile really did look hurt this time; it was clawing frantically at its maw with its stubby arms.

“One more Incinerate oughta do it,” Sebby said. Vulpix charged another ball of flames as Mawile prepared to protect itself with the broad side of its maw again. The fox inhaled deeply, pretending to take one final breath before releasing the fireball while the Mawile braced itself, but instead of using Incinerate it rushed through the ball of flames, covering its own body with fire. Mawile was unable to see through its makeshift shield, which Vulpix shoved to the side before slamming into the Mawile’s body full-on with a Flame Charge. Sebby looked on in awe, hardly believing that his rookie Vulpix had enough battle sense to trick the deceiver so thoroughly.

The Mawile crashed into the pile of rocks that had once been its home, and Sebby reached into his pocket to grab a spare Pokéball.

“I guess you’re the pro on this field,” he said to his Vulpix as he threw the Pokéball at the fainted Mawile, and waited for it to click.

Spoiler

Pokemon: Mawile
Minimum Required Length: 10,000 characters (Medium)
Length Achieved: ~18k

 

Claim! I can't guarantee forty-eight hours but I can make it fast, haha. ^^

 

Hmmm so the main character is named Sebby and then Seppe liked this post
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I THINK SOMETHING IS AFOOT
Anyway

THE BEGINNING STUFF AND THE PLOT STUFF

Overall, I thought this was a wonderfully cute story. The plot concept isn’t terribly complicated—one might even say it follows the “kid walks into woods and finds a Pokémon to battle and capture” template to a ‘t’—but you add in this really brilliant subplot about the kid being completely competent at videogames and pretty mediocre at actually battling. The basic story is something we see all the time, but the details are unique and original, and I absolutely loved this! It was a great way to retell an old classic, basically. Also, you get tons of meta-goodness when you’re writing for a bunch of people who play tons of Pokémon videogames and are probably pretty mediocre at actual battling as well. Overall, really solid story! A quick forray into some details:

Defense of the Pokémon League of Legends is a really clever way to start off this story, and I think it served your purposes pretty well. You got to have a pretty dramatic, high-stakes opening with things dying, but nothing actually died. You also had a pretty good way of introducing Sebby as a pro-strat gamer, which comes into play and actually sets up some of the conflict for the rest of the story. This served as a pretty solid hook to the audience, and was actually relevant to and segued between the rest of the plot. Excellent work here!

One of the things I might caution you against in your introduction is the whole “it was all a dream”/simulation/there’s this big dramatic thing that you’re talking about but it isn’t actually real. In your story here, I think you pulled it off quite well, mostly for two reasons. First, it was painfully apparent that the events you were describing weren’t actually real: you drop references to HP, and 90-second death timers, and generally things that the audience can easily understand aren’t actually about real life. Two, (and much less important), you didn’t keep the masquerade running for too long—we were never terribly invested in any point that this is absolutely the real story, only to have the rug pulled out from beneath us as you reveal it was all just a dream or whatever. This is good, and you probably wrote it this way on purpose, and it definitely worked, so great job here too!

My one qualm with your plot would really be the fact that Mawile is just chilling in the forest, conveniently waiting to be captured. Where did it come from? The world will never know! The plot seemed to lend itself a lot more towards a Vulpix capture, and I was definitely thinking that until the end, given Vulpix’s prominence in the first half of the story. On more complex captures, you’ll probably want to consider putting a bit more care to the involvement and development of the specific Pokémon that you’re trying to capture. In this case, Vulpix, with its “oh use Scorched Earth” / “Sebby y u do dis” shenanigans was far more fleshed out and involved than Mawile, who kind of just appeared out of nowhere to antagonize your characters a bit. At a Medium-ranked level, this isn’t really a problem, though, so I’m not going to be too fussed here (although if/when you attempt higher-level captures, do keep this in mind ^^)

On the whole, again, this was a really solid story. I liked the re-imagining of the typical capturing Pokémon in the woods story, and I think you executed your concepts really well. There were some teensy details that I mentioned above, but most of these are just things to keep in mind for the future, rather than any sory of glaring error in this story. Great job!

THE PRETTY STUFF

There were a couple of teensy grammar mishaps that were probably typos—one instance of its/it’s confusion, but you did the rest of the mechanics great, so I’m not going togo too far into this.

I also really liked how you did your descriptions—you described the important things very well but didn’t overdo it, and I also really loved how you incorporated other senses into there, such as smell. It was a great way of immersing the reader into what was happening, but it didn’t feel like you were caught up in trying to desribe every single detail. Awesome!

It’s probably a little bit of overkill for such a simple capture, but you’ve got such a strong grasp on the fundamentals that I want to discuss word choice a bit, particularly with verbs. Verbs are kind of your best tools when it comes to telling a good story—they convey a lot with a little, and they’re basically more bang for your buck. You do this pretty well in your fight sequences—lots of vivid verbs here, for instance:

Cried! Stomped! Grip (okay infinities shhhhh)! Knitted! Things like that. These are all really great and vivid, and they definitely make your fight scenes colorful and engaging.

Sometimes, though, verbs have weird connotations that you should try to keep in mind. For instance, here:

Usually, barking would be in the context of giving an order or something—it’s kind of a terse, sharp sort-of commanding verb (at least where I’ve seen it used), and I’m not sure if it fits here. In this case, I feel like you’re trying to convey more exasperation or annoyance—something longer and dragged out, rather than barking.

(Bear in mind that you’ve started to reach the less-formal nuances of writing, where a lot of things are better described in “feels” rather than “the grammar dictionary says this is good”).

Kind of in that same vein, I’m not sure if I agree with the specifics of how you described the Pokémon in your story—they have a lot of very human-related behaviors that I wouldn’t attribute to a Pokémon. This is almost entirely in the physical sense (rather than expressing confusion/feeling emotion, in which you have more artistic license). I’m mostly referring to things such as this:

Granted, I’m not terribly familiar with foxes, but based on my experience with dogs/cats, it’s actually quite difficult to recognize that they have their jaws set. Clenching one’s jaw to express frustration is largely a human thing—I don’t think most animals grit their teeth or do things the same way humans do. Also, brow wrinkling seems pretty hard to recognize in a large, furry creature: again, humans do this, but it’s a lot easier to see because we have eyebrows, which emphasize this reaction a lot more.

This is absolutely not to say that you shouldn’t have your Pokémon emote or have reactions to situations. In some other cases, I think you pulled this off quite well:

Smiling aside (because, really, humans are weird: baring one’s teeth as a sign of happiness is almost entirely exclusive to humans; even chimpanzees do this more as a “hey look I’m gonna rip your throat out with these pearly whites” most of the time), the sitting on hind legs and tail-wagging seem much more realistic for a Vulpix to do, at least anatomically.

But seriously, if I’m having to reach for discussing anatomy of a fictional species with you in order to find some fault with your work, you’re doing the descriptions pretty darn well. Great job!

THE FINAL STUFF

Like I said before, this was a simple but cute story. I particularly loved how you spiced up the original plot a bit and really made it your own. I also like how you incorporated your hobbies into your writing—using the LoL jargon in particular was a great way of showing off your knowledge and passion for the things you were writing about.

In case it wasn’t painfully obvious, Mawile is captured! I think you definitely covered all of the bases you need to have covered for this rank of capture, and most of the more difficult things I brought up don’t really apply that extensively to a Medium-ranked attempt. Fantastic job here, and happy writing!