I Want To Be a Hero! [1st Story READY FOR GRADING]

This is stories of my URPG adventures.



More to come

Magikarp
Gulpin
Wurmple
Burmy
Kriketot
Lotad
Machop
Cherubi
skitty
​

 

Stories Written

All Stories in this series will be Linked here.

[Story] [Ready for Grade: Y/N] [Capture: Y/N/Waiting]
[Magikarp for all] [Yes] [Waiting]
​

 

Magikarp For All! [READY for GRADEING]

Words- 1,053
Characters Required- 3000-5000
Characters (No Spaces)- 4,564
Characters (With Spaces)- 5603
Attempt to Capture: Magikarp​

“Yeah I am at the Eterna Pokémon Center now, mom.” Jesse said from one of the Pokémon Centers video phones. Jesse was a 14 year old male; he had Dirty Blonde short hair that only went to his ears. Jesse wore a loose fitting shirt Grey that sported a Pokeball logo, his shorts were plaid with different shades of white and gray on them. Jesse wasn’t the tallest teenager around; he stood a mere 5 feet 3 inches what he didn’t make up with height was filled with his personality. Jesse was usually nice and funny, but on occasions he would become filled with anger and scream at anyone that stood in his way.

”Alright, be safe get some rest, love you.” Jesse’s Mom said as she hung up the phone.

Jesse hung up his end of the phone and walked to Nurse Joy’s desk.

“Hi what can I do for you?” Nurse Joy said sweetly, when Jesse approached her desk.

“Yeah, do you have any available rooms for the night?” Jesse questioned.

“No, I am terribly sorry. All of our rooms are currently in use.” Nurse Joy explained.

“Ok thanks.” Jesse muttered as he angrily left the Pokémon center.

When Jesse exited he felt a cold breeze hit his face. He looked toward his left and noticed that there was a bike rack area, a pond, and a nice open space where he could set up a camp site for the night. He then turned his head, looking straight forward he saw the short blue roof of the Pokemart.

Jesse quickly dashed to the Pokemart and grabbed all of the supplies that he could need from the Mart. Jesse had gotten A small tent, a pillow and a blanket, some bug spray; so he doesn’t end up sleeping with any Kriketots, and some food.

When Jesse got to the area where he was going to set up camp, the temperature had dropped lower than before. It was getting dark now, so Jesse would have to go find some wood to make a fire. Jesse franticly searched, around the area and the close by Route.

After searching for about 15 minutes he had gathered enough for a fire. Jesse set up a nice area in front of his tent and called out his Camerupt, Camerupt appeared from a red beam that came from the pokeball.

“Camerupt, can you please make a fire with Ember,” Jesse shouted. Camerupt shot a small flame from his mouth that had caught the wood on fire. Smoke arose from the burning wood and into the sky.

“Thanks Camerupt, now take a rest.” Jesse exclaimed as he pressed the button on his pokeball. Camerupt body was engulfed in red. The red beam retracted and Camerupt was back in his pokeball.

After Jesse had the flame made he sat by the flame and cooked and ate some of the food, he put on some of his bug spray and went to sleep for the night.

Jesse awoke that morning to a strange noise. Jesse opened his eyes and saw that a younger looking boy with dark longish hair, about the same height as him, was going through Jesse's pokebag.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!?” Jesse Screamed as the kid dropped the bag and ran, with one of Jesse’s spare pokeballs in his hand. Jesse quickly got up and started chasing after the kid. Jesse was screaming the whole time he was chasing the kid. Jesse finally caught up to the kid, and garbed a hold of him.

“-P-P-Please don’t hurt me.” The kid stammered as Jesse snatched the pokeball, out of the kid’s hand.

“Why where you going through my bag and why did steal one of my pokeballs!?” Jesse questioned as the kid began to explain.

“Well, it has always been my dream to become a Pokémon trainer, but I can’t make it to Professor Rowans on my own without help or a Pokémon to get a started. So I wanted to get one of your pokeballs and try and catch a Pokémon on my own so than I could start my adventure.” The kid confessed.

“Well, maybe if you would have asked, and not barged into my tent, and searched my bag without permission, I could have helped you! I MIGHT still help you if you apologize and promise to never steal from another trainer again.” Jesse told him in anger.

“O-Okay, I promise to never steal from another trainer again” The boy said cheerfully.

“Alright, well what Pokémon do you want to get?” Jesse asked as nice as he could be at the time.

“MAGIKARP!” They boy shouted in excitement.

“Alright, there was a pond by my camp site so we can probably get one there!” Jesse told the boy as they both began to run back to the camp site.

Both Jesse and the boy walked up to the pond and looked in the water. All they could see where red colors, and there reflections in the water.

“Alright let’s get this thing!” The boy shouted as Jesse grabbed one of his Pokeballs from his bag.

“OH! What Pokémon is that?” The boy asked.

You’ll see,” Jesse replied as he sent out the Pokémon into the water.

After the red beam had disappeared a Bibarel was in the water.

“Alright Bibarel go and get us a Magikarp.” Jesse cheered as Bibarel dove underwater.

Soon after a swarm of Magikarps all swam to Bibarel soon they all began to tackle him. Bibarel getting annoyed by the red pests and began to Headbutt them all. Suddenly Bibarel started to freak out. Bibarel quickly swam back up and gasped for air.

“BIBAREL! You’re part water type, YOU CAN BREATH UNDERWATER!” Jesse reminded him.

Bibarel stared down at the water full of rabid Magikarps then back at his trainer. Bibarel than realized that Jesse was right.

Bibarel than swam back down and got swarmed by more Magikarps.
Bibarel became infuriated and sent one of the Magikarps flying up out of the water and onto the land.

Now was Jesse’s chance to catch the Magikarp. Jesse quickly handed the boy the Pokeball. The boy threw the ball at the Magikarp and a red beam swallowed the Magikarp's body. The boy gazed in awe of what he was witnessing. Soon after Magikarp was in the Pokeball the ball had began to shake. It shook once, It shook twice, then it shook for a third time. The boy twitched impatiently as he waited for the ball to stop shaking.

 

Claimed.

 

Intro: Your intro was all right. Your main character talking to his mom. Not terribly exciting, but it drew me into the journey, so you're fine.

Plot: The plot is pretty simple, but better than a trainer going and finding a Pokemon 'just because'. The younger kid being a theif made this more interesting, so it's good for an Easy story.

Dialogue: Your dialogue had some grammatical problems, but other than that, it was fine.

Grammar: You had a bunch of little grammar problems, but nothing crazy bad.

Add a comma here:

Like this:

You need to separate this somehow:

Like this:

Once again you need some puncuation:

Like this:

Also, you need to chane the period at the end of that sentence to a comma.

You need some commas:

Like this:

Instead of a semicolon you need some parentheses:

Like this:

Here's somewhere you didn't need a comma. Also, you spelled frantically wrong.

Should say:

Change this to two different sentences:

Like so:

Detail: You did fine describing your main character, but in the future, describe the Pokemon and places in your story more. It's good to describe Pokemon like you're telling someone who's never seen one what they look like.

Length: You needed 3k and you have 5.6k so you're fine.

Reality Nothing was unrealistic here.

Personal Feelings: I thought your story was simple but cute, and good enough for a Magikarp.

Outcome: Magikarp....captured.

You did all right this time, but work on detail more when you try for harder Pokemon. Also, practice your grammar. In the meantime, here's your Magikarp: