Haunted Cabin

Target: Duskull (Medium)
Character Count w/o spaces: 10,631
Character Count with space: 13,139
Goal: 10k - 20k
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It wasn’t raining outside. No. What was going on outside was beyond rain. It was a torrential downpour. Kyogre himself couldn’t have created a better rainstorm. I mean it was really coming down, but I had been lucky, and I use that word very loosely, enough to have found a broken down, abandoned cabin. The place was about as beaten down and nasty as it gets, but that was still better than the rain parade that was going on outside.

There wasn’t much in the little shack that I had the pleasure of calling my refuge. There was a bed, a refrigerator, and a worktable that had the remains of broken pokeballs on it. Oh and there was that moving shadow, no wait, that was just my imagination. I didn’t have much either. All I had was the wet clothes on my back and a dripping wet Luxio named Kaiser trying to cuddle up to me for warmth, which in actuality didn’t really. All of these added together to make a very depressed me.

It didn’t seem that the storm outside would end soon, but I still hoped for the best. The sooner the rain stopped, the sooner I could get my hands on something to eat. I’m not a big fan of eating Pokemon, but filleted Magikarp sounded pretty good right about now. That and some roasted Psyduck. My lips started scintillating with spit, but I licked them to get the saliva off. Thinking about food wasn’t going to make this situation any better. I had to get my mind off of food. I mean in a world where creatures can completely obliterate things with just a command, fun should have been within my grasp.

I had totally overestimated the fun of destroying things. We had set up some of the broken pokeballs on the ground for Kaiser to practice his Discharge attack on. First I had him start out with Charge, which probably wasn’t such a good idea. Since he was still wet from the water fest going on outside, all Charge did was puff up his hair. I didn’t mind it, because puffy Luxio means warm Luxio, and warm Luxio means pillow. But being a pillow wasn’t in Kaiser’s nature. Kaiser actually had a very serious nature, and responded to him becoming a pillow with a charged Discharge. Thank Arceus wasn’t that good at that attack or I would’ve been fried. What I did feel was quite painful though, and I could’ve sworn that I heard a snicker in the background.

I never thought that I could be so ultimately bored. It was well into the evening time, and the rain still tore through the sky as if it was endless. It was about as endless as boredom. The two were directly correlated. Endless rain equals endless boredom. That was what I thought until I saw a moving again. I was sure that it was real this time, because Kaiser hissed at it. It twisted and zigged around the floor as if it was trapped in the floor trying so hard to get out. The way it moved was somewhat hypnotic. I think I was seeing things now from staring to long at the shadow, but I thought I saw tall dark figures in my peripheral vision, and they seemed to be moving about in a hypnotic way, too. I don’t know whether or not it had any pattern to its movement, but it seemed like it did. It seemed like a dance. Like a shadowy ghost dance…

A sharp pain raced through my arm. I looked down and it had tiny little bite marks, and both had a tiny drop of blood oozing from them. Kaiser had bit me. This was ridiculous; my own starter Pokemon bit me. Didn’t Pokemon get put down for stuff like that? Then I realized that he hadn’t done it because he was rabid, but he had broken me out of my trance. The shadowy dancers retreated back into the darkness once I came back to. Right now, the downpour outside didn’t look so bad compared to a creepy house full of dancing shadows.

The good part about the trance that the dancing shadow had put me in was that it had taken me away from my boredom, and had taken me to a world where boredom had never existed. The bad part; once it was over, I was dumped back into reality, where fear took the place of boredom, and paranoia was its herald.

It was really dark now, and the one lamp in the room wasn’t enough to tear the fear out of the room. I went through the drawers of the worktable looking for a flashlight, but the only thing I found was a ratty journal that was dustier than the room, which was saying a lot. I half expected the journal to be unused and never opened, but no such luck. After I had opend it, I wished with all my might that I had never found it in the first place. The words written in the journal were accounts of whoever lived here’s experience. The summaries of their days were brief and spaced apart, but they still brought with them an eerie feeling.

April 19, 1942
I have finally decided that the city life is not the life for me, with all of its noise, pollution, and crime. I have decided to move into a nice cabin in the forest where peace ebbs and flows from every rock and every tree. I hope that observing Pokemon in their natural habitat will help me create the perfect pokeball.
- N.S Rosati

The name N.S. Rosati rang a bell. I remember that name from my Pokeball History class I had taken my sophomore year, but I couldn’t quite remember what that person had did. I thought that if I read more, then their identity would come clear to me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to be the only thing that came clear to me.

Oct. 5, 1942
Watching Pokemon in the wild has helped me create better more capable pokeballs. I am currently working on a pokeball that has a much better chance at catching pokemon in the dark, then during the daytime. I feel my lack of human interaction is starting to take its toll on my brain. I believe that I am seeing dancing shadows.
- N.S. Rosati

I know one thing for sure; it wasn’t her lack of human interaction that was causing these appearances of a shadowy dancer. The ghost dancer was in fact real and wanted something with her as well. I turned around and speak of the devil, the little shadow was dancing around Kaiser trying to lure him, but the hypnotic dance didn’t seem to work on Kaiser, and actually pissed him off, resulting in Kaiser sending an electric pulse through the floorboard, and just like that the shadow was no more. My attention returned to the leathery book, and something told me not to continue reading it, but my curiosity was too great.

July 27, 1943
I have finally created a pokeball that works better in the dark. I have given it the name of Dusk Ball. I tested it out at night time on a wild Ralts and the capture was successful without me even weakening the Ralts before hand. I initially was going to let the Ralts free but we bonded fairly quickly and know I have received a means to getting the interaction that I need for-o-so long. Ever since Ralts was introduced into my life, the curious shadow hasn’t made its appearance so often. I do believe my mental health to becoming better.
- N.S. Rosati

I had in a way become addicted to N.S. Rosati’s journal entries. They were creeping me out to the max, but I was hoping that at then end of this story was what these creatures were, and how to combat them. I knew that if I keep digging my way through the entries that everything would become clear, or at least I hoped it would.

Sept. 20, 1945
My Ralts has is now fully evolved, and is now an elegant Gardevoir. I have created several new Pokeballs with the help of my Pokemon assistant, such as a pokeball that works better on Water Pokemon, a pokeball that catches heavier Pokemon more easily, and a pokeball that works on weaker Pokemon. Now that Ralts is a Gardevoir I have no longer seen any of the shadowy beings that had once plagued my mind. I attribute this to the fact that Gardevior can know communicate with me telepathically.
- N.S. Rosati

After that passage, I finally remembered who N. S. Rosati was. N. S. Rosati stood for Natalie Sophia Rosati, one of the lead pokeball studiers of Silph Co. I remember vaguely the textbook going over how she had went missing for a period of time and then came back to civilization with all of her findings. But when did she come back to civilization? She seems perfectly contempt with her life as it is. I knew the only way I would find that out was to keep reading, and that is exactly what I did.

May 14, 1947
There is always a time when good-byes are necessary. I had to learn that with my dearly beloved Gardevoir. Gardevoir like any other species cannot resist the simple urge to reproduce. Unfortunately for me the Gardevoir and Gallade family are very similar to the way humans reproduce. Gardevoir would settle down with the Gallade and raise the kids just like humans raise their kids. It was time for me to let Gardevoir go, and I did just that.
- N.S. Rosati

May 15, 1947
The shadows are back, and I have deduced that they are Pokemon. As soon as my Gardevoir was returned to the wild they returned. I believe they feared her and thought they could not get to me as long as she was there. Now that she is gone, I am fair game. I tested my theory that the shadows were indeed Pokemon by touching one of my Dusk Balls to the shadow. The shadow was sucked in and stayed in. The other shadows, upon witnessing the capture of one of their own, retreated back into the darkness. I fear what creature is held within the contents of the Dusk Ball so I don’t plan to release it. This will be the last journal I will write, because I have realized that these shadowy beings will never go away and will continue to haunt me until I leave. Tonight is the night that I return to civilization with all my findings.
- N.S. Rosati
-p.s. I leave this journal as a warning to whatever poor soul finds this cabin. Get out as soon as possible.

The last line sent shiver through my spines. Well that line coupled with whatever was breathing down my neck. I turned around to see a thick, gray figure that came up to my chest. There were about five of them in the room along with a floating gray mass that wore a skull mask over its face. The one that had been breathing down my neck slid back into formation with the others of its kind and all of them stared at me with their single red eye. I looked over to my left to see that they had silently put Kaiser into confusion. He was aimlessly swiping at the air with his paw. I was indeed scared. I had never seen any of these creatures before, and their very existence in the same room as me was putting my hair on end. I backed up forgetting there was a table behind me and ended up hitting it. A sole Dusk Ball ended up falling off the table and hit the ground.

What happened next was surprising to say the least. When the ball hit the ground the room seemed to get darker for a second, then another floating black mass appeared near me. I held in a scream, and scooted away from it slowly. Its one eye moved from socket to socket eying me then eying his former group that shared an uncanny resemblance to itelf. That’s when they attacked. They didn’t attack me but instead attacked the one that had just came from the Dusk Ball.

All I clearly remember were shadows every which way I turned. Even after the bombardment the little ghost still stood, or floated, tall. It looked at me with its single eye as if it was expecting me to command it. Wait...it was expecting me to command it. What was I supposed to do? I had never seen one of these whatcha ma call its in my life. It was time for some quick thinking. It was a Ghost-Type so it should no some good Ghost moves right. Wrong. I commanded a Shadow Ball, and it looked at me confused. It then looked towards the others and formed a ball of blue fire and blasted multiple embers towards them. Three of them got hit, and I'm guessing what ever it was hurt like crap, because the screamed or bellowed, or whatever the heck ghosts do. The retreated while the other two shot their fists towards us. We tried moving out of the way, but the ghostly hands were like heat seeking missiles, and needless to say they hurt. Really bad. But the little floating ghost wasn't giving up. This time his eye started glowing red and shot the remaining ghosts with a red ray. I recognized it as the same move that they had used on Kaiser, which meant he just attacked them with a Confuse Ray. They tripped over each other, and ungracefully melted back into the ground becoming shadows once more.

Well that was enough to make me hightail it out of there, and you bet I did, I returned Kaiser to his Pokeball, and basically knocked the door down trying to get out of there. It was still raining but now it was more of a sprinkle. I would definitely take getting wet over getting beat up by shadows. Thats not one of things on my bucket list, which now that this experience has showed me whats out there, I think I will actually make a bucket list. I was only a few feet from that cursed cabin when my savior came in front of me with its pokeball. It dropped it in front of me. He clearly thought I was his trainer. This thing was caught before I was even born. How could I be its trainer. I mean it did save my life, but I still even know what it was. My mind was going back and forth for a good minute before the decision became clear. I knew what to do.
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this was more along the line of a take than a capture, but hey...i just hope it still counts. oh and people who aren't graders who wanna post-POST! Constructive criticism is always welcome.

 

ready for gradin!

 

Claimed for Grading.

 

Introduction:

I thought that your introduction was pretty good. It introduced the problem that would cause the events of the story to happen, and the bold-faced part of the above quote draws the reader into the story, as they want to know why the term was used loosely when the main problem introduced (the rain) seems to be solved. I felt that your continuous references to how bad the rain was got a bit on the repetitious side, though; in general, if you want to draw your readers in with a strong hook in the introduction, you'll want it to be short and sweet, and get the point across fairly quickly.

Other than that, I thought it was good.

Plot:
In order to avoid the rain, your character heads inside of an abandoned, run-down shack in the middle of the woods. Though the place is certifiably creepy, your character doesn't have much choice. While waiting for the rain to subside, your character stumbles across a dancing, mesmerizing shadow that helps cause the discovery of th diary of a famous Poke Ball designer. She leaves a warning to any who visit the cabin; just as that warning is read, the shadows abandon subtlety and spring up to attack. One of the Duskull, caught long ago by the former owner of the cabin, is freed from its Poke Ball, and fends off the others as your character flees the cabin.

In regards to your target Pokemon, this plot is kind of simple and not all that original, since many stories that try to capture a Ghost-type go with the haunting backdrop in order to introduce the Pokemon they want. Since we are getting up into a higher category now, a plot like this might be frowned upon; however, I liked the details that you gave and felt that they really helped carry the plot, so I'm willing to overlook it. Obviously, in the future, you'll want something more complicated for more difficult captures; try to shy away from the general story molds that writers use when writing about certain Pokemon to add some originality to your future pieces, as well.

Dialogue:
There was no dialogue, which made sense but didn't at the same time. For one, your character is the only one who fluently speaks English in this story. On the other hand, if they were really as scared as you've made them out to be about this cabin, perhaps adding some nervous comments directed at Luxio would help to add the suspense. You may also want to add dialogue to convey the attack orders to the Duskull. These would be best because you told us a lot about the feelings of your character and the attacks that the Duskull used, but didn't show those feelings or the initiative for the Duskull to use those attacks through dialogue.

It's best to practice finding a balance between how much you should show of your story through dialogue and how much you should tell through description. Once you find that balance, it will be of great help to you in the long run.

Grammar:
I really only had one thing to say about this section, since your grammar looks pretty good to me. Let's take a look at the introduction again:

There are a lot of periods in there, so let's clean it up with some semicolons. Don't worry, it will still get the point across, but it will also interconnect the thoughts in a coherent way, like so:

Invest some practice into the use of the semicolon, since it helps organize your sentences without having to abuse periods all the time.

Detail and Description:
I thought that a good portion of your details were done well, but there are a couple of things I would have liked to see done better. Although you described the cabin and what was inside of it, I really wasn't getting that ram-shackled, run-down feeling that you were trying to convey with the cabin. To get that point across, try picking out adjectives when describing the cabin that would make it feel more deteriorate, like "a rusted refrigerator whose brittle handle looked ready to snap off" or "a bare cot that was crawling with cobwebs and squirming bugs of all varieties". That sort of thing would have added to the feeling that you were trying to give the cabin.

You also didn't really describe the appearance of your character, which caused me to have a little trouble visualizing them in the setting. This could have been remedied by describing the clothes when they got inside the cabin, as they were obviously soaking wet when they got there.

I actually liked that you didn't go too deep into the horror; the story felt suspenseful, but not "Stephen King terrifying". I liked this for two reasons: for one, if you could write with the level of horror that some of Stephen King's works have, I'd wonder why you were writing here and not making money off of novels, or something; for another, a high degree of horror just doesn't suit the Pokemon world, in my opinion. Maybe I'm biased from having played the games and not seen anything more than the mild animated violence they have in them, but I thought that not going too deep into the horror part made this story better overall. If you were trying to make it really scary...well, I'm sorry, but it wasn't really that scary. Keep practicing with the horror genre if you want to get the right amount of detail to convey terrifying scenes - just like with dialogue, once you get it down, it will help convey your point better.

Battle:
The battle was well-written, and the attacks were explored adequately; however, I couldn't help but feel that it was a bit short. This makes sense, since your character left in the middle of the battle, but in the future, you may want to expand upon the battle scenes some more. After all, a long, well-detailed battle always earns high marks.

Length:
Duskull is in the Medium category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 10,000 to 20,000 characters. Your story is 13,139 characters, so it makes the cut.

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

As you returned to the cabin and opened the door, the immediate sight of the loyal shadowy Pokemon that you expected to see was not there; instead, the other shadows began to reach out towards you menacingly. Dodging various dark tendrils, you located your savior, almost intangible as it floated on the edge of consciousness next to the Dusk Ball. Though fear gripped your entire being, you knew what had to be done. You snatched the Dusk Ball up, returned the Pokemon to the safety of its walls, and sprinted out of there as fast as your legs would take you. The shadows attempted to follow, but stopped short at the door, their souls forever bound the house to prevent their escape.

There it would sit, lonely and decrepit, until some other poor soul stumbled across it in a storm. You just hoped that they would notice the open diary that you left on the desk.

Gotcha! Duskull was caught!

Although the plot was relatively simple and there were a few things I felt you should work on, I liked this story overall, so I passed it. Just make sure that you take my suggestions into account when you write in the future.

Enjoy your catch!

 

Thank you!
I will definitely use your advice.