Freedom's Wings (Art/Story collab)

Hey all. This is my first time writing a story in ~5 years, for this Art and Story collab event. This is my collaboration with GhostlyGlaceon, her artwork for is here. Her artwork depicts the story's Fletchling in its birdcage in Taylor's room, longing to be free. This story is attempting to capture.

Target: Fletchling
Rank: Medium
Required MCR: 10-20k
Actual Characters w/ spaces: 18,940

~~~

Taylor rubbed his tired, weary eyes as he struggled to keep himself awake. The gentle whirring of the car's engine enticed him back to the soft embrace of sleep, with the only thing keeping him awake being the brisk cold of the window against his cheek and his seating jumping up underneath him with every bump in the road. "Muuum, why are we awaaake? It's not a school day..." The soft voice of the young boy barely broke over the sound of even the quiet motor, although his mother still seemed to hear him. In a vain effort to calm the tired complaining of the boy, she replied, "It's a surprise, honey, but we're going to go and get your your birthday present."

Like a light flickering on, the child sitting slouched in the back seat perked up instantly and gasped, "A surprise? What is it, what is it, what is it? I wanna know nooowww!" Completely forgetting his tiredness with his newfound excitement, he continued to press his pestering towards his mother, who simply sighed. The scenery speeding past, a collage splattered with buildings, trees, and assorted vehicles, offered no interesting respite for her as she tried to drown out her son's nagging. Keeping her eyes on the road in front of her, she now tried a desperate effort to keep Taylor quiet, "Now you listen to me, Taylor. It's a surprise for your 11th birthday next week, but if you don't quieten down by the count of five, I'm turning his car around right now. 5. 4. 3. 2..." Taylor huffed and slunk back into his seat in silence, resolving himself to staring out the window and counting the trees as they whizzed past.

The car trip dragged on and on, with Taylor finding every way to entertain himself; fogging up with window with his breath to draw pictures and singing whatever the nursery rhyme his young mind could think of. After an eternity lasting the entirety of ten minutes, Taylor was engrossed in his latest artistic interpretation of a bird on the window when the car slowly pulled to a stop and his mother interrupted his focus with soft words, "Alright sweety, we're here."

Cheering excitedly, his chubby little fingers fumbled with his seatbelt buckle trying to get it undone to no avail. But to his rescue came the slender fingers of his mother, who was now out of the car and had opened the back door for him. As soon as he was free of his restraints, Taylor pushed past his mother and lept out of the car to examine his new surroundings. What he found was unfamiliar to his juvenile mind, and at least in his recent memory, he hadn't been there before. The small cark park they were standing in had few other cars scattered around parked neatly and laying idle, lining up before a tidy footpath leading straight into their destination. Taylor's mother grabbed him by the hand right as he was ready to speed off in a hurry, halting him in his tracks. She scolded him, albeit gently, "Now, now. Don't go running off and getting in to trouble, okay? We have your present to get, so you need to behave." He nodded timidly in response, seeming to understand his mothers words but tugging at her arm impatiently nonetheless. She continued, "Do you know where we are, sweety?"

Taylor hesitated as he examined the building in front of him. Sweeping it up, down, left and right with his gaze, he noticed the walls were mostly glassy, although the exterior was covered with sturdy steel bars dropping from the roof to the concrete in the ground below. Small brick columns interrupted the smooth, transparent surfaces of the windows to hold up a sturdy tile roof, which kept its uniform appearance all the way around. The only thing spoiling its steady pattern was a large illuminated sign which co-incidentally hung in front of a set of large glass doors, the only windowed part of the building which wasn't protected by the metal bars. "Gordor's Pet Shop," he read out allowed. Taking several seconds to process he had read, he paused and then shouted, "Pet shop! I'm getting a pet, I'm getting a pet! I'm getting a pet, right?"

Taylor's mother smiled affectionately and nodded, "Yes sweety, I'm getting you a pet. You need to promise me that you'll look after it, though."

Jumping up and down, although still being restrained by this mother's firm grip, he squealed, "Yes Mummy, yes I will I promise! I will look after it and feed it and care for it and love it lots and lots!"

Again, his mother nodded and gave another smile, "Good, let's go." With those words, she lead him through the doors and into the menagerie. The interior was alive with the hustle and bustle of in-numerable types of Pokemon wildlife. Glass boxes housed small puppies and kittens; Lillipup and Poochyena yapping and scrapping playfully and Meowth and Skitty stretched out lazily, cautiously observing their surroundings. Other assorted cages showcased many other chirping and squeaking creatures. Taylor's eyes widen as he took in the sights before him, and he squealed again in delight. It was only the firm grip on his arm that kept him from barreling away to admire all of the animals before him. They were promptly greeted by a burly, older gentlemen, dressed in a dapper, purple suit, who spoke in a smooth voice, "Welcome to my pet shop, I am Gordor. How can I be of assistance today?"

Taylor's mother went to speak, but was promptly interrupted by her son, who couldn't contain his happiness, "I'm turning eleven next week and Mummy said I'm old enough to have a pet! I want something cute!"

Kneeling down to eye level, the gentleman addressed Taylor directly with a sleazy grin, "What a responsible looking young man! What kind of creature would you like to look after?"

Taylor pondered for a moment, before answering, "I want a birdy! I love birdies, they're so cute and soft and fluffy and pretty and they sound nice and I love them!"

"Right this way, young man." He chuckled, before gesturing to Taylor's mother with a wink, "And young madam." Disgusted, she grunted an acknowledgement as she guided her child to follow the man's lead to a large aviary at the back wall of the store, filled with an assortment of feathery Pokemon going about their own business; admiring themselves in small hanging mirrors, indulging themselves in large feeding stations, and playing with each other amongst the foliage of small potted plants lining the floor. "Take your pick young man, all of these birds are available to you."

Taylor ran up to the bars of the cage and eyed off the birds excitedly. "I don't know which one to choose, Mummy!" The multitude of birds - mostly Taillow, Pidgey, and Starly - tended to keep away from the bars, some deliberately avoiding the humans and others completely unaware to their presence. He watched them all excitedly while deliberating which one to choose, until one bird caught his eye. A small robin-like Pokemon with bright orange plumage outlining its head, and softer gray feathers along its body, sat perched alone on the branch of a bright Grevillea. It watched the other birds solemnly, in its own peace and quiet.

Taylor gestured towards the solitary bird, "I want that one! His feathers are bright and pretty, and I don't see any others like it!" He watched eagerly as Gordor snuck into the cage with a net in hand, and snatched the Pokemon unawares. It squealed in a panic, sending the other birds scurrying in a fright as well, and struggled within the net to get free. The young bird was shoved roughly into a small cage; it squawked in defiance and settled itself on the small hanging perch in the cage. Gordor handed the cage to the boy and spoke, "Here you go, lad. It's called a Fletchling, and it's quite a rare species." Turning to address Taylor's mother now with a sinister grin, he continued to speak, "One which comes with quite a price. Let's talk about our payment, shall we?

A frown plastered her face upon hearing the words, and she moaned, "Ugh, Taylor, you don't want any of the other birds? Surely there are other lovely birds in there?"

Taylor shook his head furiously, and hugged the cage close, examining his new pet intently. His mother continued with a sigh, "Okay, sweety. You go wait outside while I buy it for you." Taylor cheered again and ran outside, ducking and weaving through the multitude of cages and shoving himself through the front door with his shoulder. Lowering himself down, he sat down against the window next to the door and help up the bird cage to his face, chubby features pressed up against the bars. The Fletchling settled on its perch and looked up to the sky, as if enjoying the sunlight for the first time. A slight breeze blew through the cage, gently tousling the birds feathers and it let out a musical chirp in response, and Taylor listened and watched intently.

After a short while longer, Taylor's mother re-emerged from the shop carrying a few extra bags, rubbing tired eyes and muttering under her breath, "What a bloody scam. Stupid con-artist..." She stopped in her musing as she noticed her son gazing up at her expectedly, and tried to speak in a softer voice to hide her frustration, "It's all done Taylor, and the bird is yours now. You're going to have to take good care of it, alright? Get in the car." Taylor nodded and stood up, yelling enthusiastically as he charged after his mother with the birdcage in tow, with the little creature inside struggling to remain on its perch as the cage was flung around.

The car trip home was a short one for Taylor, excitedly admiring his new pet, although it had spent most its time asleep. The car rolled into the driveway and gently pulled to a stop. Taylor clawed at the door as his mother got out and came around to let him out, and then proceeded to claw at the front door to their home - the stock standard piece of suburbia. Impeccably white walls lay behind a neatly trimmed lawn, blending in to every other house in the area.

Once inside the walls of his house, Taylor bolted straight for his room with the birdcage in tow and the little fletchling left clinging to its perch once again. Ducking and weaving through assorted furniture and nearly hitting the walls as he turned around corners, he ended his race against himself once he was back in his own room.

Bright orange carpet lay across the floor, with a small rug resembling a Pokeball in the middle. To his left, a bed with a dresser each lay pushed against scarlet walls. Directly opposite that lay a small window, and a TV supported by a cabinet was strategically placed next to it to reduce glare. A generic store poster depicting a peaceful summer-y field sat high on the wall across from the door, and hanging from the roof was a hook, placed there in advance for the birdcage to hang. Taylor held up the cage high, although he couldn't reach the hook, and exclaimed, "Look, we're home!" Fletchling, seemingly understanding his words, tweeted in a disdainful response.

Taylor's mother followed him into the room burdened with the supplies from the pet store, and placed them down on the dresser. She carefully grabbed the cage and hung it up on the hook, before turning to him to give him a lecture, "Taylor, you need to be be careful with the bird, okay? It's not nice to shake the cage around while you run. You need to consider it's feelings, and I'm sure it didn't like being shaken around like that."

Taylor nodded distractedly as he looked up at the Fletchling's cage. She continued with her lecture, "Now, you need to look after your new pet. You need to make sure she has enough food and water, and then you need to keep it clean once a week. Make sure you give her a lot of attention and don't just forget about her, okay?"

Walking over to the bags, she pulled out some food and toys to set up in the bird cage. She unlocked the cage door and reached for small robin-like Pokemon, who shied away from her approach but didn't resist her gentle grasp. She handed the bird to Taylor, and softly encouraged, "I need you to hold her while I put her stuff in the cage. Hold her gently, like this." Taylor grabbed the Fletchling without much consideration, and it squawked in pain. "I told you to be careful, don't hold her so hard or you'll hurt her."

While his mother was distracted with setting up the cage, he was intent on the bird in his hands. He pulled it up to his face and started talking to it, "Hi, bird. You're really pretty and cute and you have a really nice voice. I need to give you a name. Mum says you're a girl bird, so I need to give you a girly name, right?" The chirped softly as if in response. After thinking for a short moment, he continued, "How about Pele? I learnt about her in class, and they said she was a great goddess who had powers over wind and fire and stuff. She sounded awesome, and she looked really pretty in the pictures, just like you. I bet you love flying and stuff."

This time, the Fletchling chirped loudly. Taylor carried Pele over to the window to look out of it, and it flapped violently to struggle herself free of his grasp. She tried to fly through the window, to no avail. Although disoriented, the little Pokemon continued to try and get out through the window unsuccessfully, and Taylor struggled to catch it again.

Taylor's mother, now finished setting up the cage, turned around gently grabbed the bird as it was scrabbling against a corner of the window to place it back in the cage. "You need to be more careful, you can't let her just fly around freely incase she escapes," she warned.

Taylor sat down on his bed and looked up at the birdcage, now containing the Pokemon again. It was ignoring the humans in the room, and starting longingly out of the window. Taylor tried to follow its gaze but saw nothing but the sky and a few clouds. His mother sat down next to him and held him in a gentle embrace. He looked up and asked his mother, "Why did it try to get out? Shouldn't it be happy here? You got all the nice things for it's cage, it should love it."

Stroking his hair softly to comfort him, she answered, "You know, I bet she's had a long day. It's tiring moving to a new home, and I'm sure she'll be happy in the morning after some rest. Speaking of which, it's time for dinner and bed for you mister." Holding his hand, she lead him out of the room as he said goodbye to Pele, "I'll be back soon, okay?"

Sitting at the dinner table, Taylor picked at his vegetable and berry salad dinner distractedly. The light creeping in from windows grew ever weaker as the sun started to sneak behind the horizon, no longer visible behind the walls of suburbia. He looked up from his food to gaze out of the window, still trying to figure out what his new pet was seeking so ferociously. There was nothing of interest outside in the uniformity of suburbia, and there was hardly a safe place for wild Pokemon to live, so even those were sparce. His mother watched him worriedly, and spoke to him to try and bring up his mood, "Sweety, if you're not hungry, you don't need to finish your dinner. Go play with Pele, okay?"

Taylor left the remains of his dinner un-attended as he headed back to his room. He burst into the room, shouting loudly, "Hi Pele, I'm back!" The small avian Pokemon, whom had previously fallen asleep, was startled awake. It tweeted in a huff and settled itself back down on its perch, getting comfortable to sleep again. Taylor realised his mistake, thinking about what his mother had told him, and lowered his voice, "Oh, I'm sorry, Pele. I woke you up, didn't I? I shouldn't have barged in."

He sat back down on the bed and looked up at Pele as it tried to return to it's slumber. It was huddled over on its branch within the cage, with it's bright red head tucked gently into its wing. The small assortment of toys littering the cage had remained untouched as Pele had seemingly gone straight to sleep once Taylor had left. "You haven't played with your toys, do you not like them?" He finished his sentence with a yawn, and lay his dead down on his pillow, falling fast asleep.

A chorus of birds singing roused the young child from his sleep, with Pele contributing its own voice to the distant symphony. It was perched against the bars towards the window, aiming it's own soft musical voice outside as best as it could. Taylor stumbled out of his bed wearily and looked up at the window, with the bright morning sun starting to trickle through, to find the source of the song being a row of bird Pokemon lined up on a roof in the distance; the Pokemon too far to identify the species. The Fletchling was staring out at them longlingly; only hoping its song would be heard, dreaming that it was with them.

Taylor looked back to Pele, remembering once more what his mother had said about trying to consider the bird's feelings, and realised. "You don't like being in the cage at all, do you? You want to be out there with those other birds..." he trailed off. Pele only stopped its singing once it realised that Taylor was scrambling to unlock the door to the cage, barely able to reach the latch. Once the door came open, the Fletchling fluttered straight out and made a straight path to the window, plowing straight into the clear glass with a thud. Disoriented, it started to fall but was quickly caught by Taylor as he dove to the ground.

This time holding Pele very gently, he pushed himself back to his feet and checked the health of the Pokemon, "Hey, are you okay? You gotta be more careful." Pele shook its head to bring itself back to attention, and chirped an acknowledgement. He continued, "I'm going to let you go free, okay? I know you want to be free. I wouldn't want to be stuck in a cage instead of being out with my friends. I'll probably be in a lot of trouble from Mum, but it'll be worth it." He let out a sigh and opened the window, holding his arm out of it. Pele, recognising its chance, flew out as quickly as it could. Singing as loudly as it could, it sped off towards the other birds in the far distance. Pausing quickly, it hovered and looked behind it to see Taylor leaning out of the window, waving as widely as he could. Pele tweeted something short, resembling a good-bye, and sped off again once more.

Taylor watched for a short while as Pele grew smaller and smaller with distance, its figure mingling with other birds and becoming un-recognisable. Sighing, he ducked his head back inside and pulled the window shut, and walked out of the room, shouting, "Mum! I have something I need to tell you. Please don't be angry at me!"

~~

A rugged man stood tall at the opening of a cave. His black pants and shirt covered with a sporting red jacket was the uniform marking a Pokemon Ranger. Thick gloves supported a strange device, a Capture Styler, on his right wrist. His arm was raised, supporting a flaming-red bird Pokemon. It's gray and red feathers ruffled gently in the breeze, its striped, arrow-like tail stood alert, and it squawked in anticipation.

"Let's do this, Pele."

 

I'm gonna tentatively claim this. I haven't graded in way too long so bear with me ;-)

 

Intro

I think you did a really nice job setting the scene, with a clear description of this exhausted boy drifting in and out of sleep on an uncomfortable car journey. In a few sentences you managed to capture nice contrasts for both the son and the mother as they alternated between tiredness and childish excitement, and tender motherly love and that maternal snappiness when their children won't stop nagging. In terms of personality and behaviour, I think you started strong with forging some believable characters.

Something I think would have helped here though is giving us more on the physical appearance of the pair. We only really get snippets about their fingers and some other relatively minor details, which you introduce in very non-blatant ways (which is always so much more refreshing). It would really strengthen the overall descriptions of your characters if you extend that subtlety to include the most basic physical traits: their dimensions, hair and eye colour always add so much in terms of portraying to the reader a vivid image of your characters.

You also included a hook -- something fundamental to keeping the reader interested. A surprise present for a child is a pretty safe choice, and a crutch that many young adult novels use. You could have oomph-ed it up a little bit, tried something a bit riskier. What was so special about this birthday? Was the car journey long and uncomfortable because they had to flee somewhere all of a sudden? What you have is good and safe, but adding another element in this scenario could really help to ensure you snag the reader's attention.

All together, the opening two paragraphs really helped to set the scene and establish some realistic, flawed characters, so I think you did a really good job here.

Description

For the most part, I think you did a solid job here. The detailing was consistent and I appreciated the contrasting details that you kept throughout. Some sentences, like this, set the scene effectively in just a few words:

.

Some notes, though:

a. repeated words.

Generally using the same word in a short proximity detracts from the meaning, unless you're trying to emphasize a particularly potent descriptor in a thematic kinda sense. In general though, there's a vast array of synonyms that add rather than subtract from what you want to say!

b. less effective descriptors.

Here, like a few other sections, starts out strong with interesting description that sort of fades into writing that reads more like casual speech. Perhaps the mother scurried, hurriedly, or darted frantically or tenderly opened the door to have the burst from the car? So many options you should capitalize on!

c. characters.

Like I mentioned earlier, more focus on the boy, his mother and also on Pele would really add. You go into wonderful depth in describing other aspects of the world, and you do a nice job illustrating how Pele looked in the flash-forward scene at the end, but applying that level of detail early on with specific attention to the people and Pokemon that will persist throughout, rather than fleeting scenery, is something I'd highly recommend for future stories you post.

Overall, description was quite consistent, great in places, but more focused detail would definitely add so much!

Length

You're at the upper limit, so you're golden here.

Grammar

Just a few very minor things that kept cropping up.

i. its/it's

There were a few occasions throughout when you used the incorrect form, but I think they were more a lack of thorough proof-reading than anything? Just to clarify though:

its = possessive. Someone owns something. The Fletchling flapped its wings.

it's = contraction of it and is. A quick way to test this is whether you can insert it and is in place of it's and the sentence still making sense. It's a fine day to discuss grammar.

ii. comma placement

In general you did a good job here. A good rule of thumb for punctuation use in general is to insert them whenever you would pause when speaking something aloud -- if the pause is not at the end of a sentence, there's a good chance you should use a comma. The biggest problem with overusing commas (which I'm v. guilty of) is creating run-on sentences, like this:

Breaking this up into two shorter sentences can have a greater impact, while still retaining the focus of the sentence. Like so:

Another thing that you did fairly frequently in terms of commas was misusing them before a character begins speaking. Here's a pretty good example of this:

A short description before a short quip is generally really effective at setting tone so you did do well with those. Just make sure to end a sentence before quoting someone. This isn't always the case but for this story it was.

iii. tenses

A very common habit of people who don't write frequently is to alternate between past and present. Past tense is infinitely more easy and generally reads better so I would usually advise people to stick with that. That being said, totally up to the author. I feel like this section is too long already lol so I won't harp on here, but just keep an eye out for it!

Conclusion

This was a cute little story. I think you did a good job in terms of characterization, consistency and it's clear that you really made an effort with this story. A few minor fixes in terms description and grammar is the only thing holding you back from really excelling. All-in-all, I am really glad though that you wrote this story, despite the 5 year hiatus, and I hope it will encourage you to keep writing.

 

Graded and deleted until the art is curated!