For Want of a Nail

A Shroomish Story (Contains some mature content)
Medium: 12743 Characters

Captain Merrin woke up in another man's bed, rolled out, and grabbed his uniform. As he dressed, he looked back at the woman lying there, another man's wife. She was so beautiful, and he didn't deserve her love. But life is short, especially for a soldier, and Merrin had the perfect opportunity. The battle was to begin soon, and the men of the dale all left to defend their lands. So would Merrin, soon enough. He would take a short cut through the Dark Forest, and arrive just in time, mounted on his fine steed, ready to lead his unit to victory against those foul steel type using mercenaries. He looked back at her one more time before he headed out the door, and prayed it would not be the last.
Merrin whistled quickly, and over the hill came Adash, his mount. The Rapidash had a fine long red mane, and crimson tail, but it's white coat was darkened from dirt, mud, and occasionally blood. Merrin climbed up onto the black leather saddle, feeling the coolness of the silver buckle compared to the heat of the Pokémon's body.
"Forward, ho" Merrin commanded.
"Dasssh" The Fire Horse Pokémon responded, and galloped toward the western horizon, still dark with night.
By the time the sun had migrated to the top of the sky, Merrin had reached the woods that the superstitious folk of the dale called the Dark Forest. Rumors suggested that under the canopy that is so thick it blots out the sun, spirits of the forest dance, do battle, and ensnare unsuspecting men and women into their traps, where they become lost forever in a mystical enchantment. Fortunately for Merrin, he was not a superstitious man, and Adash could control her fires such that they would light the way without burning the forest down.
Adash whinnied nervously as Merrin nudged him on, and it wasn't long before the interior of the forest began to get dark. It wasn't as dark as the rumors said it was though. The forest was long, and got thicker as they went along. Occasionally, Merrin could swear he could see the grass, or the bushes moving. There were probably Pokémon there in the grass, watching them, or perhaps running from them.
As it darkened, not only because of dusk approaching, but also because of the thick canopy of the forest, Merrin and Adash came across a glade with a fairy ring: a perfect circle of large mushrooms. Adash slowed to a stop as they got to the middle.
"Adash, what's wrong? Keep going, we need to get to the ridge by dawn." Merrin exclaimed, but Adash bucked furiously, throwing Merrin hard, flat onto his back in the middle of the circle, watching the Rapidash scamper off. Merrin sat up, clutching his aching back, and looking around him at the fairy ring. The spotted mushrooms seemed to stare back at him. And then they opened their eyes, and stood up. Merrin was surrounded by at least 20 brown Shroomish. The Pokémon began to dance, twirling around in little circles, and curtseying like fat little girls in green and brown dresses. They were all in perfect synchronicity, as if they had been practicing a great deal, or as if they were all guided by the same mind. Merrin then noticed the others join the dance. The Shroomish weaved in and out with Bellossoms looking like dancers in their leafy gowns, with flowers their hair. The Belles each then joined with a Breloom wearing their crest for a collar, and their caps for hats. The plants joined for a waltz, as wispy blue Jumpluff floated overhead, the eerie light of these grass type Pokémon illuminating the dance from their white seed pods.
Merrin felt as though they invited him to dance along with them, so he stood, and twirled around without a care, which to them was careless, as he was much bigger than the Pokémon, and they danced around him to avoid getting kicked in the head. It didn't matter to him, for he was enraptured with joy, and lust for life, both Pokémon and human, a far stronger feeling than his lusts for women, drink, and battle.
Soon his dancing partner appeared, a little creature only 2 feet in height, but because of its little wings, it floated, so it took Merrin by the hand with its little green paws, and looked at him with its head, massive compared to its body, and inhuman with big black eyes, and antennae. Merrin laughed lightly at this new Pokémon he had never seen before. "You must be a fairy." He assumed out loud.
The fairy did not speak aloud, but instead its voice rung like a bell in his head.
<<No, I am a Pokémon. You may call me Celebi.>>
"Why have you brought me here Celebi?" Merrin asked. He knew that Celebi was the driving force behind this dance, and likely the source of all the superstition and rumors regarding the woods.
<<I desire to show you the what has come to pass, what shall soon be so, and what may or may not be.>>
"I don't understand." Merrin said. The dance of the Pokémon around him was slowing to an end, and so Merrin stopped.
<<You will.>> Celebi answered, and then the world changed.
Merrin and Celebi were now standing in a hot, far away savannah, though, they were hovering in a strange manner, which suggested to Merrin that they were not really there at all. They were looking over a group of men, and some women dressed in very little, hunting deer with spears. After they bring down their kill, another group of men with spears shows up, and kills the hunters, and takes their deer. <<War has a long history.>>
The scene flashes to a mountainous place, where a cluster of strong men in armor carrying heavy shields and spears stand in a tight formation along a narrow pass.
<<Long have humans fought each other for power, or for resources. They desired what another man had, so they killed him to take it. These men are not conquerors, but they have become hardened warriors for the sake of protecting themselves.>>
Now Merrin and Celibi are in a tunnel carved of virgin stone, lit by candles every few feet. They look as if through a window at a group of men with Lucario who attacked by another group, this one with Medicham.
<<As men evolved for fighting, so has this been reflected in Pokémon. Companions of warriors have come to reflect the warriors themselves, making a breed of Pokémon who pride themselves on physical prowess, as well as others, such as those who resort to cheating and tricks to take the advantage in combat.>>
Now the odd pair are watching over a straw and mud hut, where a woman in a dirty brown cloth dress is holding a little baby, and crying over a burning corpse, which several war-clad men and a couple of Pokémon, a Primape and a Charmeleon, stand over.
<<Many long to see the end of war. Too many good men have been cut from their lives too soon this way, and many valuable things have been destroyed.>>
The scene quickly flashes to a tall stone building with fire and smoke pouring out every window. On the ground are several men carrying swords and riding on the backs of Arcanine, attacking stragglers who frantically run away from the attackers and burning building.
"I remember that, that was the great library of Ecruteak City. It was burned down by the Kantoan a couple hundred years ago. Millions of books were lost, or plundered. All that remains there is a burnt shell of a tower."
<<Yes. Much was lost that day.>>
The scene changes to an elaborate arena, where two Pokémon, a Gengar and a Nidorino are fighting. Their partners stand behind them shouting commands and clutching little red balls, and an audience cheers as the Nidorino tackles the Gengar.
<<Some day, people will see the end of war, but not of violence. Pokémon will fight in controlled battles, and never to the death. People will not lay a hand on each other, and trained Pokemon will protect their trainers from wild Pokémon. They will battle for prestige, and not for dominance. Many long for this day, but you will not live to see it.>>
"Celebi, why do you show me these things? What difference can I make? Do you expect me to leave my men, my company, and my people to the mercy of our enemies?"
<<Your life will have repercussions throughout time. If you make the right choices, you can hasten the coming the time of peace. If you make the wrong ones, many more will perish needlessly>>
"What are the right choices then? What must I do? Celebi? Answer me!"
Merrin's cries were in vain, as the world turned to black, and Celebi faded away. Merrin's head spun with revelation, and with pain. Then he began to hear the chirping of Spearows in the trees, and his eyes fluttered open. Through his blurred vision and throbbing head he could see that it was morning, and he was lying on his back in the middle of the dark forest. He knew he was too late for the battle he had meant to catch up to, there was no way he could get there on time now. Merrin sighed, and painfully got himself to stand up, though he was too dizzy to walk, so he staggered on his legs until he felt stable enough to move forward, glad at least that he was headed in the opposite direction of the rising sun.
After a few hours he could almost see the edge of the forest. What he could smell though was more significant. Smoke, blood, and the stench of death filled the air. Merrin felt a deep and profound sense of foreboding, and he began to think on what the Celebi told him. What was he supposed to do? Why did Celebi appear to him? Then he heard a whinny from behind him, and he turned around.
"Adash, I thought I'd lost you!"
The Rapidash neighed, and Merrin climbed back up onto the saddle. It felt good to finally have something familiar around him. The Horse then carried him the rest of the way to the edge of the forest, where he saw the results of the battle.
The field on the west edge of the forest had once been a grassy savannah, full of tall grass and living things. No longer that, now it was a desolate wasteland. The grass was all burned down, and the ground was black, and shaken from Ground type attacks. Corpses, both human and pokemon littered the ground, and here and there a fire burned in a tree, or a bush, or from a body. The scene was horrifying and morbid, and Merrin found it hard to breath. Where were the survivors? Where were the wounded? If he were here, could he have stopped this? As he surveyed the field, now and then he would recognize a body, and his heart would sink.
Growing frightful of the devastation, Merrin looked back at the forest and saw something moving along the edge. It was a little Shroomish, wandering along, oblivious to the battle that had just occurred here. A thought occurred to Merrin. Shroomish are known for their hallucinogenic spores, which can poison, paralyze, and put people and Pokémon to sleep. Did any of what he saw last night really happen, or was he hallucinating on its poisonous spores. Did all that he saw mean anything, or was it just the spores talking to him. In anger at having been tricked this way, Merrin lashed out at the Shroomish, slipping off his steed, and giving her his commands.
"Adash, get that Shroomish! Use Fire Spin!"
The Rapidash trotted over to the Shroomish, and spun her fiery tail in a circle, the flames taking on a life of their own enveloping the mushroom in a warm ring of crackling glow. In response the Shroomish jumps up and down, dropping little seeds onto the ground. The seeds quickly sprout vines which travel over to the Rapidash, entangling its feet, and sapping its health away, restoring the Shroomish.
"Adash, Stomp that little mushroom"
Adash bucks up, pulling her front hooves out of the curling vines, and brings both hooves back down to trample the Shroomish. The Shroomish attempts to roll out of the way of the horses hard hooves, but it is unable to, and they come down on it devastatingly. Upset, it releases more spores from its belly which float in the air all around them, causing Adash to cough as the vines that are still crawling up her hind legs continue to drain her energy.
"Adash, are you ok? Try to use Flame Wheel!"
Adash rears up on her hind legs, and begins to spin flames from them as if riding a bicycle with her forehooves, but the joints in her knees seize up, making her unable to perform the attack. Meanwhile the Shroomish nods its head forward, producing a three little seeds from opening at the top of its cap. The mushroom Pokémon launches the seeds at Adash, exploding on her face.
"Adash, try using your horn! Megahorn!" Merrin shouts.
The Rapidash kneels down and attacks the Shroomish with its single horn, stabbing at it furiously. One of the blow hits, and sends the mushroom Pokemon flying. It looks back at Merrin and Adash, and stumbles back into the woods.
Merrin furiously says back to Adash. "Ok, I'm going to go find that Shroomish." and he trudges back into the forest.

 

claiming for the plane ride to LA

 

Now, that I'm home I can give the grade!

Intro:
Interesting start up: it shows how war is like, yet doesn't really give me too much of a description of this captain; we don't get a feel for what his motivation is besides this war, all we truly know is that he is willing to bed another man's wife, which doesn't give him points in my book

Plot:
The plot was interesting enough. A mysterious forest short cut that wasn't as short as he hoped prevented him from helping his platoon.

The setting was interesting though one hole showed up. POKEMON...

This story takes place in a time before Pokeballs were created, so the creatures wouldn't be referred to as Pokemon in this time frame, since it is a human created word.

Details:
You gave great details to describeing the creatures, yet you didn't describe the main character. He has a uniform, but you didn't say what color it was, if there was an insignia. You didn't give an age, or hair color. All we really know about your main character is that he is not superstitous, fine with sleeping with another man's wife, not too old (since life of a solider is short), and bad at dancing. It doesn't give a relate-able character.

Grammar:
The biggest problem you have here is that you double space between paragraphs, and to quote from the "How to Write..." thread

Next I'll go through a sentence be sentence correction:

Battle:
The moves were describe well; however, the length of the battle is short. I understand that there was a type advantage, but the movement, the flow of the battle seemed very straight-forward, like the game. Also the story just ends abruptly. It leaves me wanting more, and not in the good way.

Length:
While your story fits the min/max suggestion, I feel like it needs more, a conclusion. It seems like you just stopped.


Personal Feelings:
The idea is great. I like the older stories of war and being distracted. However, the story seems half done, and not just as a plot, but for the sake of capture, there wasn't a convincing end to the capture. Maybe expanding the search for the shroomish, or some sort of revelation by the main character.


Conclusion:
Intro: Not a relate-able character, not much known about him
Plot: Good with very minor holes, yet needs conclusion
Details: more description of the only human character
Grammar: be careful with commas, its your biggest mistake and you make it a lot
Battle: too short, and no resolution, the Shroomish just runs away
Length: Needs Conclusion

Verdict:

Spoiler

Wiggle
Wiggle
Wiggle: No Capture


It was really close to a capture, you just need a satisfying conclusion to the whole Shroomish encounter and I'll regrade.

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