Flight (ORAS)

The time for the flock to leave had come. Ever since the day she was born Nimbus and moved from island to island across the great region of Hoenn. Today was a sunny day and the winds were fair. It was like the great Pokémon Rayquaza has blessed them for their journey. She had grown used to the grassy plains and moss covered rocks of this island. But it wasn’t like they had a choice. Mamma had told her about the danger that was chasing them, something about a great darkness that threated to consume the world. It all seemed to go a little over her head. Mamma had also told her other things like that she was part of the Cloud clan, a group of Altarias that was know for scared to a Pokémon called Rayquaza. Mamma has also told her that she would someday become like mamma. It was true mamma was different from her. Mamma had white cheeks, longer neck and a long tail. Mamma was bigger as well but she guessed that that was normal for mammas to be bigger then their children. Mamma also had golden wings, which was odd color for the Altaria since most of then had wings that ran the gamut form white to black.

“Are we all set?” Asked Stratus, the elder of the flock, to the Cirrus, the leader. They were both odd birds. Stratus’s wings were gray and he had long lost the sharpness in his eyes that the others had. Cirrus was different in that she was the biggest of all of all the Altaria.

“Yes,” was Cirrus’s reply, “We have food, everyone is here and well rested. Let’s go!” With that Cirrus flapped her wings and was up in the air. Right after that the rest of the Cloud clan flew up and formed formation. Nimbus was sitting on her mamma’s back resting. Mamma told her that she could fly later, but taking off was a hard part. They flew around the island once, twice, and flew off, towards the rising sun.

The first day of flying was smooth sailing. The breezes were fair and the weather was partly cloudy. A few boats passed below them. They were flying right below the cloud cover. Nimbus woke up from a nap that she was taking and watched the others flying.

“Mamma,” she said, “Can I fly now?”

“Sure honey,” Her Mamma replied,” Be careful though I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’ll be careful!” With that Nimbus Jumped off her moms and spread her wings the pattern was easy one she had practiced many times before. Flap, flap, glide and repeat. Once she got to the gliding part she discovered to her delight that she was able to glide for longer then usable because the wind was pushing them in the right direction.

Cirrus glided back from her position at the front of the flock. She had spoken to the Altaria next to her saying that she would be back in a second that that no one should take her spot. She slid back to where Stratus was.

“Have you noticed the boat that has been fallowing us,” She asked him “I think it may be them, we may have left too late.”

“We can’t worry about what has happened,” Status said “We can only take action let us go into the clouds where they cannot see us.” Cirrus nodded and pumped her wing getting back up to the fount of the flock’s formation.

“We’re going up!” Cirrus commanded the birds as she started going up into the clouds.

“Honey it’s time to get back on mamma,” Mamma said as Nimbus flew over to her and landed on her back. With that the rest of the flock flew upwards and into the clouds where they could only see each other. After a few hours of flying they landed on some small rocks that were sticking out of the ocean. After a few minutes of listening to the ocean’s waves nimbus fell asleep.

The next day came quicker then Nimbus would have liked, she wanted to sleep more. But she was exited to see if she could fly some more. Once again she on her mamma’s back, and once again they took off. Flying around the rocks before taking off. Today the clouds were wet and it smelt like rain. It would storm soon. Not many eventful things happed that day, but one thing did. It was around midday when black dots appeared on the horizon. None of the flock noticed the dots as they got closer and closer. Soon one of the flock screamed.

“WHAT IS THAT?” one of the younger members yelled. Seeing the black dots only now one could see that they were birds. Upon closer inspection one could see that the birds were more of a dark blue then a black with a blue body blue wings and a blue head that that had feathers that looked like a witches hat. The eyes were red with a end of the tail also being red. Brown legs with sharp white tips, a white crescent around the eyes and a white smock coming down form the face. They also sported a yellow beak. Some had red on the inside of the wings while others had orange and some were in-between.

“It’s too late to get away from them,” Cirrus said “Let’s see what they want before we do anything,”

In a few moments the lead bird moved over out of their formation and over to Cirrus.

“Hello,” he said “I’m Butch The leader of this flock of Honchrows” He paused “Nice weather were having eh? His voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Where are you guys headed? We ran out of food on our island and we’re wounding if you may know of some good islands?”

“I’m afraid not,” Cirrus replied “We don’t know of any free islands we just go north and south and vise versa, We’ll be landing on the main land at the end of this journey.”

“We’re going east right now,” He said mind if we fly with you for a while? I’ve been hearing about bird being attack in the sky by humans recently something about a flock that is scared to the sky Pokémon of something.”

“How did you here that?” Cirrus questioned

“I’m a dark type,” Butch said “I have my ways.” After that he winked “So may we fly with you for awhile? We won’t be a bother.”

“Sure,” Cirrus said, “We’ll be happy to have you!” With that the two formations started flying next to each other keeping in sync. One of the other Honchrows that had a smaller bird on their back flew over to nimbus and her mamma. The smaller bird was different from the Pokémon; its body was all dark blue including the wings and tail. It still had the witch hat of feathers, yellow beak and red eyes, but its feet were yellow, not black.

The small bird had its eyes closed, it opened them and looked around, until it’s glaze finally settled on Nimbus. Nimbus felt herself shrinking under the Pokémon’s glaze; She didn’t do well with anyone outside of her flock.

“Hey,” The bird said, “How are you doing?” Nimbus said nothing; she just ducked her head into her wing and hoped that they would go away. “Not much of a talker are you? Let’s start with something easy. I’m Cindy what’s your name?” More silence, nimbus wished that she could push herself more into her wings or if she could just teleport away from the talking bird.

“You’ll have to excuse her,” Nimbus’s mother spoke up, “She’s crippling shy around people that she’s not used to, nothing against you personally.” The dark blue bird nodded and stopped talking instead opted to try and return to napping. Nimbus stayed tucked in until after the other flock had left. They landed in a forest of tall pine trees and after a few minutes the rain started to fall. Nimbus hid herself from the rain, under the wing of her mamma.

Nimbus was startled awake by a screeching noise. Two bight lights were glaring into the forest that the flock had landed in. Two humans jumped of the metal creature and headed towards the flock.

“Remember,” The tallest one whispered, “We just need the one with golden wings, and the others will not work.”

“Don’t worry, Steve,” whispered the other ”I’ll be careful!” After saying that they approached the flock. One of them was caring a net while the other was holding a large tube like object.

“Mamma,” Nimbus said, “Wake up! There are people here!” She pushed against her mamma’s side trying to wake her up. Before mamma would wake up a light formed in the tube that the human was carrying the tube. The light went up into the trees that the flock was sleeping in one it was in the middle it exploded! Some of the bird flew away up to the clouds while others fell down to the ground and did not move. Nimbus mamma pushed her out of her wing and onto a branch that would be out of sight. With a battle cry she jumped down and flew towards the human with the tube claws bared. Before she could reach the human Steve tossed the next and watched as mamma was entangled in the net. The two humans then made sure that the net would hold and dragged it into the metal machine. They then drove off into the night.

Nimbus watch all this, petrified by fear. She was too scared to do anything, too nervous around others! She felt worthless. After making sure that the humans were gone. She glided down to where some of the flock were, most of them were not moving.

“Come over here Nimbus,” one of the bird said, It was Stratus! Nimbus hopped over to the gray winged bird. “You may yet be able to save Cumulus, your mother, but you must have courage. The flock of Honchrow that we met might know something they should be that way.” With that he gestured east. “I think that they may be in the air. Those humans which to catch the great flying one, you must stop them! Go now, there is not much time left!”

After hearing that Nimbus nodded and flapped her wing and took to the sky. It was dark; most of the light came from the stars and the lights down below. After a little while of flying she saw the black dots and flew as far as she could towards them. Soon she had caught up with the large birds that were moving lazily across the sky.

“Why hello there,” Butch said as he noticed the out of breath Sawblu, “You’re certainly out late what brings you to us?” At first Nimbus just started at the dark type but then she mustered up all of her courage and opened her mouth.

“S-some,” She gulped noticing her stuttering, “Humans came and attacked our flock, and they took my mamma and left in a weird metal thing! Now I don’t know where they went!” Her heart was beating hundred miles an hour.

“Hmmm,” Butch was thinking “There was a car that went under us a few minutes ago, head south and you should see a road the car was going east, you should be able to catch up with it if you hurry. I would offer my aid but my flock needs to rest. Best of luck to ya.”

Nimbus only nodded and flew off heading south until she saw the road. She turned and then went down closer so that she could keep an eye on the road. After a little while the metal moving thing came into view. She flew over the large box on the back and over the thing that was holding the humans. She saw a tree that was old and rotten. Nimbus flew behind the tree so that it was facing the road. She bared her claws and rammed into the tree and watched as it clashed to ground blocking the road.

The machine came screeching to a stop and the two humans got out. Nimbus was hiding behind a different tree. Seeing the humans out of the car Nimbus flew over to the box and checked it. There was a latch that she pushed up and led to the box opening. Nimbus jumped in and looked around! There was mamma! Only she was in a cage!

“Is that you Nimbus?” Mamma Asked, “What are you doing here it’s not safe! Leave at once!”

“No!” Nimbus replied, “I’m not leaving with out you!” She then hopped over to the cage and started inspecting it, seeing that there was a lock keeping it shut.

“One of the humans has the key, I think his name was Steve.”

“I’ll get it mamma, just you wait and see!” With that Nimbus flew out of the box and sat on top of the thing that the humans were in. She could see the humans from here; they were still looking at the fallen tree. Seeing that one was holding the tube form before. She flew down and rammed into the human that was not Steve knocking her out. The move however had recoil damage and Nimbus found herself on the ground a few feet away from the other human slightly out of breath.

“What the,” Steve said as he looked at his fallen comrade, Then he saw nimbus, “Why you little runt!” He then pointed the tube at Nimbus who started flying and just barely managed to escape from the blast. She circled around Steve who kept the tube aimed at her. Another blast was fired and Nimbus tucked in her wings and dropped down. The light went right past her and hit a tree causing it to fall. Nimbus mad a sharp turn and flew right at Steve. Steve pointed his tube right a Nimbus and fired. Nimbus veered a little to left but it was not enough. The explosion grazed her wing and sent pain rushing along it, but Nimbus did not stray from her path, before Steve could fire another shot Nimbus collided with his face knocking him out.

Nimbus landed on the ground a few feet away and took a minuet to take stock. Her Wing was damaged and she would have some trouble flying from now on, the only reason that she was able to keep on going before was because of adrenaline. She hopped over to Steve and found the key that would unlock her mamma’s cage. She hopped back to the box and went in. Using the key she was able to set her mamma free, and they left the box.

“I’m so proud of you dear,” Mamma said, “But don’t ever do anything like that again!”

“I try not to,” Nimbus said, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay,” With that Mamma put out her wings and allowed for Nimbus to clime on her back. They then took off, heading for the sky.

Spoiler

Pokemon: Swablu
Rank: Medium
Character count: 13,298

 

I should probably diversify in my jobs.

/claim.

 

@Meow Wow;

Flight Grade

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Intro

A lot of stuff is thrown at the readers right away. My first impression was that it could be split up a little—it's a lot of things to follow: introduction of their home/setting, a danger looming, about her Altaria flock, and her mother and other Altaria description.

Since this is a scene setter, it might be better to separate some of these ideas and really flesh them out. This is particularly true for the coming danger, since this is the whole reason that the plot started to begin with. Even at the end of the story, I'm still not sure what exactly they were running from. I'm assuming it was the humans who try to capture Nimbus' mother, but it could've just as easily been a group of Pokemon—I would've liked to see this explained just a little more.

The introduction could've built this aspect up too. While you did mention that a lot of what was going on went over Nimbus' head (I'm assuming because she is really young), there are still details you can include to clue the reader into what is going on, even if the narrator is slightly unreliable/biased.

One of these things could've been watching the other Altaria and Swablu getting ready to leave on the journey. Surely there would've been some tension here, since some of the others know more of what's going on than the main character. I am glad that you started off with some sort of conflict early on, but a lot of it was left vague even later on in the story.

Another option would've maybe been showing some interaction between Nimbus and her mother (before they have to leave. This would also show how close they were, since that's important in the story later) if you wanted to show off how the mother's coloring was different. These are just a couple suggestions and by no means the way it should be done, but the point is to create a little scene so the reader can get their bearings and understand what's going on a little easier.

I think that because a lot of the information is clumped together right away, it sort of obscures the sense of urgency of the flock having to leave their home, and that takes away from the tension in the story. You set up a good premise, so make sure to milk that and make readers read on!

Plot

You had a pretty basic plot for this rank, which is perfectly okay. But when I say basic, I don't mean what happened (ie, the kidnapping and later rescue) but more that the most of the story was spent not doing much. Most of it was travel in this case, which isn't super actiony, but no story has to be. In fact, I like it when stories don't focus on action the best, because that allows for some character development.

In this case, I think you could've capitalized on what Nimbus was feeling more often, since she didn't quite understand what was going on. The part where the Murkrow flew over to her was wonderful, since you showed how she reacted and felt by burrowing into her mother. More of that would've been great to give readers a little more idea of her character.

How did Nimbus feel about leaving the island, her home (we can assume) since she was born? What sort of emotion was going through her as they were flying away from the island? And when she flies—just how much delight is she taking in it? Is she bored when she has to be stuck on her mom's back?

Those are the sorts of things readers are left wondering, and even without an intense-action plot, it's still important to see how the characters are feeling/reacting to what's going on. Some would argue that's the whole point of telling a story—to make readers feel something. We accomplish that partly through what happens to our characters. A guest speaker in my Journalism class just recently came in and emphasized this, even for non-creative pieces. Emotion is super important!

As far as when the action picks up in the story, I felt the part where Nimbus tries to wake her mother goes way too fast. Like the first intro paragraph, there's a lot going on so it's a little hard to follow. Since this is a high emotion/intense scene, it can definitely be fleshed out a little. The mother getting captured is a key part in the story since it drives the second act, but the action and the emotion sort of gets glossed over.

Is there any way you could expand this area? It was sort of unclear exactly what the humans did and why nobody fought back. Were the humans the reason they were fleeing their island in the first place? If so, wouldn't there have been a guard or someone watching for danger, since they were expecting it? It could be that Nimbus didn't know any of this herself, which then it would only rely on the things she sees. This has to do with point of view, which I'll talk about later.

On the emotional front, you mention that Nimbus was petrified, but can you show that rather than just telling us? Was she shaking? Did she cry? What else was going on?

I was also curious as to why Nimbus was sent to go after the Honchkrow and not someone more experienced. While it's true that it was Nimbus' mother who was captured, it doesn't really make sense to send someone so young and what's more, send them out alone. That mission seems doomed for failure, especially since it was mentioned that Nimbus is shy. Were there no other birds available? The story mentioned a lot of them being knocked out by something the humans did, but that wasn't too clear.

Overall, a lot of the rushed scenes sort of make it confusing for what exactly was going on. I still wasn't exactly sure what they were leaving their island from, and some of the other fight scenes, like against the two people, happened super quick. In a way, it was sort of unrealistic too, since in both cases, just one hit from a tiny Swablu knocked both of them out without much trouble at all. Nimbus didn't really have to struggle with rescuing her mother at all, and it's a little hard to be invested in that when it comes so easy to the character because there's no risk/drama/etc.

In the non-action parts, I didn't quite see a lot of character growth, which was sort of the most important thing in this story. A shy bird, who was uprooted from her home, endures this episode without really feeling much. Taking everything in stride seemed to conflict with the shyness we saw on her mother's back and then the way she was scared when her mother was captured. That's not to say that Nimbus couldn't accomplish what happened in the story—there just was very little progress that proved she could. I really recommend drawing on that emotion, since places where you did include it were awesome.

Detail/Description

You did a good job of describing what Pokemon looked like, as well as the weather in the sky. Remember though, that description can include other things than what they look like too. Personality, odd movements, smells, etc can all be used to define things.

One thing I'd like you to work on describing more is the environment that isn't the sky/weather. Sometimes it was hard to place characters spatially in relation to what objects were around them, like the trees and car at the end. The second tree that Nimbus hid behind, after knocking the rotted one in front of the car, sort of appeared out of nowhere when it was needed for the story. That was a little jarring.

I think that this could be applied to some of your action scenes too. The story doesn't have to focus on those, but when those parts do come up, you can get a lot more out of the scenes if they're described a little more. For example, the part at the end where Nimbus bounced off the human and fell to the ground was cool—but some of the other actions were very vague or unrealistic as they happened so quick at easy (like the knocking each one out in one hit thing I mentioned before).

Another area to work on detail would be with the mother's capture, since those were the two major plot points in your story. The part where the humans attacked was only one paragraph, and that could definitely use a little more description in what went on. It was a little fuzzy, and while some of it, like depicting the weapon as a tube, are dependent on what the main character knows, it could still be made a little clearer to the readers.

I enjoyed when you used sounds and other little sensory details to add to the story, so keep that up! Naming the characters after cloud formations was really cool. It's those subtle details that really make a story for me—it shows the author also pays attention to the little things.

Grammar/Mechanics

I was kind of surprised, but there were a lot of typos and missing words in this draft. I'm assuming that it was probably rushed for the ORAS deadline, but even so, be careful about proofreading. Quite a few areas made me stumble and go back and read.

For a few minor things I saw: In a dialogue tag, the “he said/she said” part is not capitalized unless it's a proper noun or at the beginning of a sentence (I couldn't tell if this was a typo or not since it seemed to be half and half this way). Also, be sure to take note of your verb tenses. The story itself was told in past tense, but there were a few areas were you lapsed into other ones (such as has ___ instead of had) such as here:

Just be careful to be consistent. You can really use whatever tense you want (although usually third person in this type of story is best), as long as you keep that tense throughout the fic.

There was also a slight issue with run-on sentences—when you tried to join two separate sentences together incorrectly. Some of these were comma splices, where you can just split the complete thoughts up with a period, but some of them literally ran into each other like this:

Between the two bolded words is where the sentence really ends, so make sure to split those up with a period or semi colon.

The big mechanic thing I wanted to talk about is your point of view (POV). There was only one instance in which you switched, and that was when Cirrus fell back in line to talk to Stratus. For starters, it's not wrong to change POV at all.

One form of third person POV is omniscient, which allows readers to be in everyone's head all the time. At first I thought that maybe this is the style you were aiming for, since I thought Cirrus would have a bigger part in the story, but this section is the only place where this really occurs. If you do want to use omniscient, it's usually good to have some sort of transition word/phrase to signal to readers that you are swapping characters, such as: meanwhile, at the front of the pack, etc.

The other form of third person POV is limited, in which you only get inside one character's head at a time. If this is happening, it's generally good to do some sort of page break or mark to denote that the character is changing, just so readers don't get confused.

Whatever way you wanted to do it, POV should generally change for a good reason. In your case, I think that could've used this to hint at what their trouble was/why they were fleeing. You did hint at it in this section, but it's still not very clear. If we were really following Cirrus around, that character would know more about what's going on and be able to provide some detail about the situation.

At the same time, if that's not information you want to spill to uphold some mystery, then maybe you didn't really need to switch POV. Nimbus could've perhaps flew close and overheard what Cirrus was saying, and then that would let readers know what's going on and let Nimbus react to it.

Really, it's a toss up. You can do whatever you want with it really—POV is just another tool in the writer's box. Most advice will say, however, that it should be used to the best effect, depending on what you want to do with it. Narrowing to just Nimbus would let you heighten her emotion and retain some mystery because she doesn't understand everything that goes on. On the other side, shifting over to another character's POV would let you fill the reader in on details and add tension that way.

Whatever you decide to do, just make sure it's clear to readers what's happening, whether its through a page break or a transition of some sort.

Length

I counted around 13,350 characters, which falls into Swablu's Medium rank due to the ORAS event. However, I think that adding more could've filled in some plot/action details and really explored Nimbus' emotions.

Reality/Miscellaneous

Most things I already discussed in the plot section, but there were still a few unanswered questions I had:

How did Nimbus catch up to the flock of Honchkrow? Her group had been resting before the humans attacked, but the story made it seem that the Honchkrow were still flying and Nimbus merely flew to reach them. There was concern for Nimbus' flying ability in the story before that, so how would a maybe not-so-great flier catch up with that group so fast? Particularly if Nimbus' group had been stopped but the other kept going. It doesn't really seem possible.

This one is very minor, but it was still weird. Would Steve's name matter to Nimbus and her mother at all? That seems like an odd thing for them to take note of (and used as just an easy reference in the text), and it was a little awkward to read.

Result

Spoiler

This was a tough call. While the rank was lowered, I still feel there were a few holes that need to be filled. The description was okay on a visual level for most things, but there was a little bit lack of emotion and some of the typos and short scenes made some parts of the story hard to follow.

Swablu: Not captured yet

It was close, really. What I'd like to see in revision is 1) cleaning up some of those typos with some thorough proofreading, 2) expanding/clarifying some of the scenes I mentioned (preferably the intro, her mother's capture, and the rescue), and 3) really showing us Nimbus' emotion.

I think these things will clear some issues up and give the story a more powerful pull for readers. You have a wonderful start here, it just needs a little bit more work.

Please contact me if you have any questions or if something I said was unclear. When you edit, please make changes in bold/some other color so they're easier to see (except the typos, those are unnecessary to mark)!