Dreams

Spoiler

Target Pokémon: Azurill
Rank: Simple
Target CC: 5-10K
CC: 5882
Author notes: I think this is my third story taking place in a hospital, which is weird because I don't think they're even in the Pokémon world. Also, warning. I wrote this in present tense to practice it and it may not be great.

A little blue Pokémon bounces anxiously on his tail, the shock of each impact keeping him alert. He hasn't slept for two days. Not since he came here. He is afraid of what he might hear from the doctors upon waking up.

The floor he bounces on is stark and cold tile, a smooth white that hides the sickness of the place. The lighting is harsh and unfriendly. Azurill wonders if the white is meant to be comforting. It is not. It gives him a headache and makes him wish for home, but he knows he cannot go there. Not while his trainer lies prone, an IV bag rhythmically dripping into her arm, struggling to keep her alive when by all rights she should already be dead.

Her name is Lucy. Azurill resolves to keep that bit of precious information safe, to tuck it into a small cranny close to his heart and treasure it. He considers the ambiguity of the memory for a moment and decides to add onto it.

Her name is Lucy and she is eleven years old, and cannot wait for her twelfth birthday. Her eyes are the same bright blue as her little Azurill's hide and they're brought out by her pitch black hair. Her skin, once porcelain pale, is now lightly tanned from sun exposure, and she walks with a fresh limp after a Seviper bite two weeks ago.

Azurill briefly reflects, not for the first or last time, that if he wasn't a fairy that he would have been able to defeat the snake Pokémon whose venom now threatens his trainer's life. He feels guilty for this, even though he has been told time and time again that it is not his fault. He wants it to be his fault. He wants to be able to blame someone. He will blame himself.

Thud. He bounces more slowly now that he is low on energy. The hospital staff have been supplying him with food, but it is tasteless and low in nutrients. He eats it all for Lucy's sake. He would do anything for Lucy. That is the truth he knows in his heart, the one that he whispers to himself when he feels sleep begin to crawl into his waking mind. He must be awake, because he must be there for Lucy.

Thud. His balance is off for a moment and he slips, falls, sprawls onto the ugly white floor. Dizziness seizes his waking mind and it gives way to confusion, which in turn becomes bone-deep sleepiness. His eyes slide shut for just a moment and his mind disconnects, sinking into the sweet relief of sleep.

Then he jerks awake and scolds himself for drifting off. His anger barely masks the panic he feels at what could have happened, the question he asks himself as he forces himself to stay awake. I will not sleep through her death.

He has no hope that she will get better. He did, when she first arrived and he was blissfully unaware of how deadly dangerous a Seviper bite could be when it went untreated. If he had slept, he never would have noticed the looks. The looks come from doctors and nurses that milled in and out of Lucy's room far too often. They are looks that mix compassion, pity, and guilt.

The looks seem to scream at him. They say, "She will die and you will be left alone. There is no chance of anything else." Azurill believes that this is probably true, so he has resolved to instead keep a constant vigil until the day when his existence would seize to have meaning.

He is very tired. So very tired. His bounces, usually crisp and precise, are slow and sloppy today. He is taking special care not to fall again, because he thinks if he does that he might fall asleep for longer. Too long. He doesn't want that.

The nurse's heels click sharply against the tile, snapping cleanly. Azurill wonders why she wears heels. They don't look convenient, and what if she has to run to a patient's side? Is her appearance just more important? Who would be appreciating it besides the patients and the doctors? Don't the doctors have enough to worry about?

The heels snap to a halt in front of him. He halts his bouncing momentarily and settles onto his tail, staring up at the figure in front of him. She's beautiful and appears healthy. He wonders how Lucy looks right now. She gazes at him with the look.

"You're here for the trainer? Miss..." she has to pause to consult a form. Azurill hates her. He could have told her Lucy's name in a second if he could speak to humans. They don't understand the language of Pokémon.

"...Lucille Radley?" Azurill is upset. They use Lucy's official name. She doesn't like her official name. She believes in living in the moment, and being a child while she can. She thinks her long name make her sound old. She has mentioned this to him many times, and he finds himself grimly wondering which name they will use for her gravestone.

He hopes that they will use Lucy. He hopes they will honor her memory well.

He nods up at the smartly dressed nurse and wonders how it is fair that she can look so clean when she cares for so many sick people. She bends down and pricks him with an almost unnoticeable needle.

It hurts like nothing he's ever felt before as he falls asleep.

A nurse named Milly Tyler sighs and lifts the softly dozing Pokémon in her arms. The receptionist had been watching his behavior (classic anxiety, refusal to rest) and diagnosed LTD, or Loss of Trainer Disorder. It's similar to separation anxiety, but very severe. When a Pokémon is captured by a trainer, that trainer becomes their life. Their hero and their rock.

It's up to the doctors that failed to safe the trainer to put the shattered creature back together. Milly ruffles the Azurill's ears as she hurries him past the room that holds the shell of his trainer, shifting him in her arms so he can't possibly get a glimpse in the slightly open door.

She knows he is attached to his trainer, but Seviper venom and it's effects are nasty. She wouldn't wish that sight on anyone, especially not someone already in mourning.

A little girl named Lucy sighs out a final breath behind them, and her best friend sleeps through it.

 

lmao

claim!

 

Story/Plot: Gonna start this off by saying that I’m quite impressed with how much content you were able to fit in such a small piece of writing! Without a single scene change and only the introduction of a few characters, you created a very complex set of ideas within minimal writing. The content was steady and evoked a myriad of emotions as well. Nicely done!

As far as the actual story goes, the dominant tone is one of regret and sadness. Poor baby Azurill! The internalized guilt of a young Pokemon unable to defend his trainer due to weakness and lack of experience is a heavy subject to tackle, but you approached it with a critical eye that inspired actual thought about the psychological damage to a Pokemon. Pokemon themselves usually aren’t considered in a psychological sense - throughout the games, anime, and countless other iterations of the series, Pokemon have rarely been anything but overjoyed with battling. Even in the event of a loss (or damage to the trainer), rarely have Pokemon been shown to consider the implications themselves. They’re expected to be cheery and battle-driven, and if they aren’t quite up for the battle, send them off to the Pokebox to never see the light of day again! This piece, though relatively small in scope, opens up a new door for readers and Pokemon players to consider - the psychological impacts of Pokemon Battling on the Pokemon themselves. Very neat, and you definitely considered the most appropriate way to talk about this “issue” in a real and applicable context.

While I also understand the creative challenge in writing solely in the present tense, I do often find it to be clunky when writing stories that have heavy focus on events transpiring in the past. The content occurring as the story progresses works fine in this situation, actually benefitting from the uncertainty of the present tense due to the confusion and dwindling hope present in the Azurill’s narration. That said, the instances of conditional story telling (“had been” and “would,” for example) become increasingly prevalent when you’re speaking of the events in the past. These tenses can get kind of messy when used in conjunction with the present in the same paragraphs, as the conflicts in time/scenario can generate unnecessary confusion. Lemme pull out an example:

While everything within the passage is grammatically correct, the transitions from present to conditional back to present are a little unclear. The first one is probably the clearest, as you actually take time/words to distinguish the “this is now but that was then” thing. However, these complex “if” situations are kind of lost in time. You were speaking about the bite in the past merely a sentence ago, correct? The “looks” seem as if they should relate to the bite and in turn be based in the past because we haven’t had a contextual transition back to the present. Then, we’re thrown off again by “milled,” which is past tense. And then “they are” is present again. The passage sort of bounces all over the place, usually without any sense of reintroduction, and while it doesn’t interfere too severely with the comprehension, it is definitely something to be mindful of. Writing in present tense is a challenge that you handled well throughout, but just remember to balance the story so that you aren’t hopping around too much internally.

Grammar: For the most part, you’re solid - as expected from a grader! That said, there were a few minor errors that occurred frequently enough that I feel I should at least mention them. And by them, I mean commas. STUPID FREAKING COMMAS.

Not gonna give you the full run-down because you obviously know what you’re doing, but just make sure to read through your story and check every component within your sentence to see if it all jives grammatically. Independent clauses are combined with a conjunction and a comma, independent clause + dependent clause are conjunction with no comma, and so on. Again, like 98.34% of your story was completely fine in this regard, but gotta keep that other percent (too lazy for math) in check! It usually helps me to read my story aloud to catch all of the otherwise unnoticeable grammar nuances. If that doesn’t help, just make sure to filter through with a fine comb anyway possible to nab those sneaky buggers.

Length: Yes ma’am!

Outcome: Bouncy rabbit thing is captured! Quite sad… Be a good trainer to him or else! Otherwise, a solid story that was enjoyable to read and provoked some cool questions. Watch them commas and watch them tense transitions.