Dreams from the Future!

Dreams of the Future-Chapter 1(The Dreams)
Note:I'm trying to catch Diglett!

Calum woke up inside his tent. He had had a dream showing his Houndour battling a Diglett. Calum had been having different dreams of his pokemon battling other wild pokemon and trainer's pokemon. Earlier on during his journey, Calum had a dream about defeating a trainer. He met that same trainer on Route 2 and the trainer asked him to battle. Calum used the tactics from the dream and had won the battle by doing that. He just hoped that the dream was based on real life...

Calum got dressed and went outside the tent, holding his backpack and other belongings. He whistled loudly to his pokemon, Houndour. "Houndour!"Calum shouted."Come here! We're going to go now!"

"Houn!"Houndour barked loudly."Houn, Houn, Houndour!"

Calum split a Sitrus Berry Sandwich in half with Houndour. They decide to try to get to Pewter City by the end of the day. Calum walked down the route, with Houndour following closely behind.
Dreams of the Future-Chapter 2(The Battle)

They suddenly stopped at a part of the route. An Ace Trainer was standing in front of him."My name is Greg! Let's battle!"The Ace Trainer said.

"Go Houndour!"Calum said."Use Ember when Greg's pokemon comes out!"

"Bulbasaur, come out!" Greg commanded."Use Tail Whip!"

Bulbasaur attacked first with Tail Whip and Houndour attacked back with Ember. Ember was super effective but the damage was not enough to defeat the Bulbasaur. Calum had recently taught Houndour a strong TM so he decided to use it."Houndour!Use that wild and strong Fire Blast of yours."Calum exclaimed.

"Bulbasaur use Bullet Seed!" Greg shouted.

Bulbasaur used Bullet Seed five times in a row.

"Houndour use Flamethrower!!!" Houndour suddenly opened its mouth and a long blast of fire engulfed the area they were in. Bulbasaur was knocked out. Calum had won the battle against Greg." I will train as hard as I can and I will have rematch against you!"Greg said proudly.

Greg disappeared into the distance.

Dreams of the Future-Chapter 3(Diglett's Tunnel)
Houndour and Calum decide to continue along the route towards Vermillion City.
But before they could get to Vermillion City, they had to go through one final obstacle...

Diglett's Tunnel... Houndour and Calum arrive at the entrance and check their supplies. They had 4 potions, 3 poke balls, and another Sitrus Berry sandwich. Just enough to get them through the tunnel. Houndour and Calum go through the entrance into the deep, dark tunnel.

Diglett's Tunnel was pitch black. There was lots of twists and turns through the tunnel and high bridges above them both. Diglett's popped up and down and up and down continuously but none of the Diglett's tried to attack Houndour. But suddenly, a rumbling came from the ground. A gigantic robotic Diglett came out of the ground. An automatic door slid open and a ramp came down. Two people came down the ramp, a boy and a girl, with a pokemon. "Who are you?" Calum asked.
"We're Jessie and James, members of Team Rocket."Jessie and James answered in unison.
"And I'm Meowth!" The cat-like pokemon.
Calum was puzzled, a talking pokemon was in front of him. Jessie said, "We're here to capture and take that Houndour you have there."

"You'll have to battle me first to be able to take my precious Houndour."Calum said. "Houndour get ready to battle!"
"Go Wobbuffet!!"Jessie shouted loudly.
"Go Mime Jr.!" James said.
"Use Crunch on Mime Jr., Houndour!" Calum exclaimed.
Houndour ran at Mime Jr. and started biting Mime Jr. James' pokemon looked weak but still alive. "Wobbuffet use Safeguard!"Jessie said to Wobbuffet.
A veil of protective mist appeared around Wobbuffet. "Now Mime Jr. use Doubleslap!" James shouted.
Mime Jr. reached out its hand and slapped Houndour two times.
"Houndour use Fire Fang on Mime Jr.!" Calum shouted.
Houndour launched itself in the air and opened its mouth. There was lots of flames around Houndour's teeth. The large vicious teeth crunched Mime Jr. Mime Jr. lay on the ground, a beam of light came from James Pokeball and in a flash, Mime Jr. was in the pokeball. James was out of pokemon and Calum now only has to deal with Jessie.

"Now Wobbuffet! Use Counter!" Jessie said.
Wobbuffet stood still, doing nothing, the move had failed because Houndour didn't touch Wobbuffet. Calum exclaimed, "Houndour use Nasty Plot!"
Houndour's Special Attack was raised and Houndour was stronger and more focused. "Wobbuffet use Mirror Coat!" Jessie shouted.
The move failed like the last one that Wobbuffet used. "Now Houndour finish this off with a Crunch!!" Calum shouted.
Houndour ran at Wobbuffet. Its teeth enlarged and CRUNCH!! Wobbuffet was lying on the ground. The Wobbuffet had fainted. Calum had won the battle!

Jessie and James ran back to the giant robotic Diglett. "Hey wait for me!!" Meowth shouted.
Meowth ran to the robotic Diglett and dived through the doors. "See you later, we'll get that precious Houndour of yours another time!" James exclaimed evilly.
The massive robotic Diglett dug its way under the ground, scaring lots of Digletts and even Houndour was so scared that he jumped behind Calum's back.

Dreams of the Future-Chapter 4 (Diglett)
Calum started to walk away from the spot he was standing at, when suddenly stopped in his tracks. There was a Diglett standing in front of him, looking like it wanted to battle. "Lets battle with this Diglett, Houndour!" Calum said to Houndour.
"Houndour, use Fire Fang!" Calum shouted.
The Diglett dug under the ground when Houndour was about to bite him. Calum said encouragingly, "Don't worry Houndour! You just missed one attack, Now use Dark Pulse when the Diglett pops up from the ground!
The Diglett charged out of the ground at around fifty miles an hour. Houndour was so surprised that he was knocked off his feet by Diglett. "Use Dark Pulse now!!" Calum shouted.
A ray of darkness flew at Diglett, he was smacked onto a rock by the attack. Diglett used Dig, like the last turn. " Now Houndour, use Nasty Plot! Things are gonna change around here!" Calum told Houndour.
Houndour used Nasty Plot and then Diglett shot out of the hole. Houndour dived out the way and used Punishment on Diglett.

Diglett was lying dazed on the tunnel floor but he hadn't fainted. "This is for you Houndour!" Calum said proudly.
A poke ball flew from Calum's hand and captured the Diglett.

*Click* *Click* ...

To be Graded...

Thanks!!
(w00t, my first actual story that is the right length!)

 

Claimed for grading.

 

Here's your grade.
PM me if you have comments, etc. You can click on my name next to this post and a menu will drop down with the option to send a private message.

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

We start with a human out in the wilderness. You quickly establish the protagonist and one of his Pokemon, a Houndour. Efficient storytelling. We also find that he's been having lots of dreams, some of them possibly prophetic. Interesting!

He goes out, summons his Pokemon, and continues on towards Pewter City. We get a good sense of how far along Calum is on his Pokemon journey if the Gym order follows the games.

After this, the title. Pretty good introduction. We get the main characters, what they're doing, and something interesting and unusual about Calum in just a few paragraphs. Well done. There were some problems with explaining the order of events in the first paragraph (see the Grammarsection) but otherwise, no problems.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

It's a conventional story. We see three episodes in the life of a young trainer making his fortune in Kanto. He defeats an Ace Trainer in a one-on-one battle, beats back Team Rocket, and tries to catch a Diglett. Lots of people do this, in games, in the anime, and in stories.

Being conventional, it should be reasonably interesting and competently written to qualify for capture. Are you up to snuff? We'll see.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

They say boring things like this in the games themselves, I guess.

In the next sentence after this, you say that Calum exclaimed this. You should've used an exclamation mark after "yours" instead of a period.

Also, you left out the Team Rocket slogan?! Where's the fun in that, man?

Nobody would say "capture and take." That's redundant.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

Calum is your conventional Trainer. He apparently has clairvoyant dreams, but it comes to nothing. You should have done something with that.

Houndour, Greg, the Bulbasaur, and the Diglett lack personalities. They're bit characters, so it isn't important.

Jessie, James, and Meowth, though... these are established characters. Everyone knows them, even me, and I don't think I've seen a full episode of the anime since Ash was in Kanto and I was in middle school. You need to flesh them out the way we know them. For example, James wouldn't say something "evilly," or at least not just "evilly." He's got that arrogant pretty-boy kind of voice, right? That needs to be reflected in his dialogue.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

Style note: Proper nouns like "Pokemon" and "Trainer" are capitalized in standard Bulbapedia style. If you choose to do it another way, which is fine, remember to keep it consistent. There's a thread about this in the "Writer's Workshop" fanfic board.

In the first paragraph, you're a little unclear about the timing. We are supposed to conclude that Calum had the dream before meeting the Trainer, but you didn't make this entirely clear.

Simple typo: missing space.

Simple typo: missing space.

Simple typo: missing space.

While standard style would capitalize "Sitrus" and "Berry" as proper nouns, you can't capitalize "sandwich." We wouldn't say "a Spam-and-cheese Sandwich," even with Spam as a proper noun, so you shouldn't do the same here.

Simple typo: missing a "d" after "decide."

At your title-drop, you forgot to add a second line break between "closely behind." and "Dreams of the Future." Remember that you must press Enter twice after each paragraph. This time you probably just missed it.

Simple typo: missing space.

Simple typo: missing space.
You know what? This has occurred enough times that I'm just going to make a general announcement and stop talking about individual instances: when you use quotation marks, there must always be a space before the left quotation mark and a space after the right quotation mark. This applies to the rest of the story. Go and stick in a few more spaces.

When speaking to someone and including their name, there is a comma before the name: "Go, Houndour!"

I guess technically a TM is a device that teaches a TM move. So you'd have to say that Calum taught his Pokemon a strong TM move.

Insert a comma after "Bulbasaur."

Insert a comma after "Houndour." Also, use multiple exclamation marks sparingly.

"They" is ambiguous. Do you mean everybody? Then Calum and Greg are on fire, too. Be more specific and say "the battlefield" or "the area the two Pokemon were in" or something.

"A rematch."

You're missing the second line break after the "Chapter 3" title. It's extra important to set off titles and scene change dividers from everything else so the reader knows they're different.

Simple typo: missing a "d" after "decide."

"Vermilion" has nothing to do with "million." It is spelled with only one "l," not two.

This phrase assumes that they've had to go through a lot of stuff before Vermilion City. However, you never said they did. Either change the phrase or (better idea) talk about some of the difficulties they had in getting to Vermilion.

Using an ellipsis right after using another one is kind of excessive and may interfere with the flow of the story. Keep one and only one. I recommend the first one.

Simple typo: missing a "d" after "arrive."

Simple typo: missing a "ed" after "check."
Here's another general announcement, after which I'll stop flagging similar errors: your story is in past tense. Make sure all the verbs are in past tense.

Capitalization is usual. Also, small numbers should be written out in words: "four Potions, three Poke Balls."

Add a hyphen between "pitch" and "black."

"Lots of twists and turns" is a plural noun phrase so the verb "was" has to be plural too. Therefore: "there were lots."

It's the grocer's apostrophe! Don't use it!
Apostrophes are never used to make plurals. The only exception is when mentioning words or letters instead of using them: "four letter L's," for instance.
In this case, you should say "Diglett" or "Digletts" depending on whether you feel like having species names be plural in themselves. Most people make species names plural: "one Diglett, two Diglett." (Red Diglett, blue Diglett.)
This error occurs twice in this sentence. Fix them both.

Beginning sentences with words like "but," "and," or "or" is often considered unprofessional.

Excuse me. I believe this line should read "To protect the world from devastation."

This is only half a sentence. Please finish it.

This is a comma splice. You have connected two sentences with a comma. This is not allowed. Please either split them back up into two sentences, combine them into a single one using "because," or maybe a semicolon.

You need a comma after "Houndour."
And after "Go" in the next two lines.
This occurs throughout the rest of the story. You need a comma either before or after a name when somebody is calling it.

This one would have commas both before and after:
"Now, Mime Jr., use Doubleslap!"

It's more efficient to say "twice."

Should be "were" again.

Multiple errors, each of which has been seen before. "James Pokeball" should be "James' poke ball" according to the style you've used, although I would recommend capitalizing "Poke Ball." You need a comma after that phrase, too. The last sentence is partially in present tense, which doesn't fit with the rest of the story.

Comma splice. Try breaking it up.

Use "it" or "he" instead of the second "Houndour."

This is a single sentence. It's best to make that clearer by sticking "CRUNCH!!" between a pair of hyphens. You're also using more and more multiple exclamation points here. Be careful!

Comma splice.

You use "lots" a... lot. Use some synonyms: "many," "numerous," or "several."
Also, "Digletts" may work better as "Diglett."

You can't use "even" unless someone else is scared.

You need another line break after "Chapter 4."

You can't end a sentence or phrase with "at." Try "the spot where he was standing."

You're missing a "he."

Diglett, not having visible legs, can't stand. They kind of poke out of holes in the ground.

You may not need the "with."

This is a comma splice. Also, you capitalized "now" when the comma splice meant you shouldn't have. You are also missing the right-hand quotation mark to end this line of dialogue.

This might be a little too informal. You're using game-speak here.

Numerous problems with grammar...

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

This is a useless phrase. Spice it up. Where on Route 2 are they, and what's it look like?

There is no description here. What do the attacks look like? Does Bulbasaur even have a tail to whip? I'm not sure. (Looking at the Bulbapedia entry, I see that Bulbasaur is incapable of learning that move in the games... because it doesn't actually have a tail. Natch.) You should pay a little more attention to the details of battles. They are often the flashiest parts of stories here on the URPG. Pull out all the stops. Pull out a stop, at least. Tell us what the attacks do and what they look like.

This is hardly more informative than a text box message from a battle in HeartGold or something. At least when you're playing the games you get flashy graphics. In a story on the URPG you have to make up for the lack of visuals with rich description! Tell us just how Bulbasaur was defeated. Did it collapse? Was it on fire? Stuff like that draws the reader in. You need this for the Team Rocket fight, too. There are no details.

Like, vanished? You should at least say he walked or something.

You need to make it more clear that "both" refers to Calum and Houndour. Also, describe these "bridges" more clearly. Are we talking about rock bridges or man-made bridges? I remember in HeartGold the bridges were man-made.

This passage is both repetitive and undescriptive. Don't just say "come from the ground" twice. Give us details. Is there a fountain of dirt? Does Calum have difficulty staying on his feet?

You could devote more description to Robo-Diglett, too. How does it move through the ground? Giant paws? Giant drills? A giant shovel? Where is the door? On the side? On the back? In the nose? Describing the silly details of giant robots is half the fun of using them in stories, really. Also, it's Team Rocket! It has to be silly! If they aren't silly, you need to have a reason for them to be behaving out of character. Reinterpreting characters is a major part of story-writing on the Internet, and it can make stories richer. It has to be justified, though.

You also describe Jessie and James as "a boy and a girl." They're much too old for that.

You use "said" a lot. You know that you can spice up dialogue by using variations of that term, right? Where it hit home for me was where Calum said "You'll have to battle me first to be able to take my precious Houndour."
This is a serious line. It should be treated seriously. You could use: "exclaimed," "said defiantly," "snapped," "yelled," "said hotly," etc. depending on how you want to fine-tune Calum's personality.

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

As mentioned before, Bulbasaur simply cannot use Tail Whip; there's no tail to whip. I mean, okay, Dugtrio can use Aerial Ace, but Tail Whip isn't even in Bulbasaur's moveset.

Bullet Seed is a TM move for Bulbasaur. Maybe Greg could say something about how this is his trump card. Okay, this one is nitpicky. Ignore it if you want to.

Greg is proud after he loses to Calum. How does that work? Maybe you could make it "wounded pride" instead.

You suddenly change Calum's destination from Pewter City to Vermilion City in Chapter 3. This is two Gyms' worth of timeskip, assuming Calum's on the same journey that happens in the games. Could we at least have an explanation that time has passed? Just starting a new chapter isn't enough.

Why would Team Rocket go after Calum? Is it because his Houndour is rare or special? This has to be explained, even if only in passing.

Jessie and James send out Pokemon they actually use in the anime. Why, if you would pay attention to details like this, would you not give them their personalities? Or their slogan? Or make them blast off again? If you're going to import famous comic relief characters into your story, have some fun with them!

Why would Mirror Coat fail straight off? It should wait for Houndour to use Crunch first. After that, it would still fail, not being a Special attack, but still. It wouldn't fail until Houndour was doing the actual biting.

Houndour used Punishment without orders.

Perhaps you shouldn't say "captured the Diglett." when the story's written to end on a cliffhanger. Try "enclosed" or "trapped" or "sucked in" or something.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Diglett (SIMPLE 5,000-10,000)
Your length: 6,265.
No problem.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

This is an action-packed story. The action is described clearly, but it's all rather flat. There is little to no description. It's exciting if I use enough imagination, and I imagine it was exciting in your head when you wrote it. However, we can't just fill in the blanks of what's happening in our heads, because that means we're practically writing half the stories ourselves. In other words, you had good ideas, but you need to narrate them with more detail. The Team Rocket characters were also disappointing, although that may just be because I personally think the original characters were funny so I was expecting more. To be honest, I'd say objectively speaking it's not that big a deal.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Capture unsuccessful. I'm sorry, but you need to spice up the battle scenes if nothing else. Do a proofreading run through the whole thing, too. And do something about Team Rocket. Right now, they're stuck between hilarious cameo and interestingly reinterpreted characters, which is to say they have no personality. After the fixes, PM me for a regrade.

 

Ok, I'll try and change my story to fix mistakes. Might take a couple of weeks as I'm on holiday.
Thanks for grading this!