Crybaby

Not my best work by far, but whatever, it's long enough, and I like it, kinda. Yeah, it's for a Mart Mon, but I DON'T CARE :< I wouldn't spend money on a Wynaut and this didn't take me all that long anyway.

So yeah:

Attempted Pokemon: Wynaut (Simple)
Required Length: 5 - 10k
Acquired Length: 6,744 characters.

Crybaby​

Henry Polk glared once more at his mother, and she cringed. That look, when Henry scrunched up his face as tightly as it could go, meant all hell was about to break loose. His mother, occupied with a pair of rubber gloves and a stack of grimy plates, was ill prepared to handle the cacophony. When the blast came, it broke on her ears like a tidal wave.

Henry hurled himself to the ground and began screeching. He kept an almost perfect rhythm with his fists on the linoleum kitchen floor. On top of the counter, a thin vase trembled, and Mrs. Polk had to drop a plate into the roiling suds of her sink to catch the vase before it fell.

“Henry!” she gasped, exasperated. “You’re ten years old and still cry like a baby! If you keep this up, I’m going to take your video games away for two weeks instead of just one!” But either Henry didn’t hear his mother, or didn’t care, because he continued his tantrum with even more gusto. Almost everything in the kitchen had begun to rattle, and Henry’s rage showed no signs of abiding.

Finally, Mrs. Polk snapped. She threw off her gloves and swept Henry off the ground like a sack of potatoes, then stomped through the kitchen to the back door. She pulled the door open with a grunt, then set Henry on the ground softly, doing her best to avoid his writhing limbs. Henry snatched at the hem of his mother’s jeans, but she yanked her leg out of his reach. Then, she looked towards the forest on the edge of the yard, towards something Henry couldn't see, and slammed the screen door shut.

“You can scream in the dirt all you want!” Mrs. Polk yelled, out of breath. She detested violence as a means of discipline, but it was taking Mrs. Polk all of her self-control to keep from spanking Henry. Having a door between the two was best for Mrs. Polk’s sanity… and Henry’s safety. He clawed the door like a dog, then slammed his fist into the metal, but to no avail. With one last glare, Mrs. Polk shut the main door, muffling her son’s feral screams, and went back to her dishes.

Henry's sepia hair clung to the sides of his face, glued there by the tears streaming from his sapphire eyes. His flushed cheeks felt hot, and his throat was beginning to ache, but Henry had no plan to stop his tantrum any time soon. The petulant boy slammed his fists in the soft loam, kicking up dirt and grass, not paying any attention to the mud accumulating on his clothes. The sun shone brightly on his backyard, strewn with toys he had broken or forgotten. Sweat began to mingle with the tears on Henry's face.

Finally, the boy stood and wiped his tears. He was still furious at his mother, but Henry had come up with a better way to make her pay for daring to punish him. The chubby kid plodded off into the forest beyond his backyard, planning only to sit in the shade on the edge of his family's property, where his mother couldn't see him. Henry squeezed out a small wail every few moments, but had, at last, decided to stop crying. He didn't seem to have any tears left. However, the small figure that had been giggling just outside of Henry's sight the entire time had other ideas as it snuck up behind him. The tiny Pokemon didn't want the show to end just yet.

Henry collapsed against a tree, where a cool breeze soothed his hot, swollen cheeks, and put his face in his hands. Just then, something squeaked next to Henry. The boy was still tearing up, but had mostly calmed down. He peeked through his fingers, and noticed the stout, gray Pokemon with long ears and a smile from ear to ear. The Wynaut leapt in the air when Henry locked eyes with it, then began clapping its ears together, as if Henry had been an actor in a great Greek tragedy. It squealed in delight, as the applause rung in Henry's ears.

The boy felt a small tug in his throat, then began gagging. With each time Wynaut clapped, the convulsions grew worse, until Henry couldn't keep his mouth closed any longer. He let out a short wail, then clapped his hands to his mouth. In that instant, Henry panicked. His eyes widened in fear as another scream burst out of his lips, then another. The world slowed down, and Henry succumbed to the impulse to cry. Another moment, and Henry threw himself on the ground, unable to stop himself. He began beating his fists on the ground, and hurt his hand on a root sticking out of the soil.

As Henry's unwitting tantrum continued, the Wynaut laughed hysterically, applauding the show. Henry had never felt so sick in his life. He couldn't stop himself from writhing and screaming. The immense stress made Henry want to vomit, but he wasn't even able to do that. His body had become the Wynaut's puppet, and the Pokemon was enjoying his tantrum sadistically. Henry's knuckles had begun to bleed, and the dirt caked itself in the wounds. Henry could feel only pain. Even his anger at his mother had subsided, overwhelmed by the shock of the situation. The sun had somehow snaked its way through the canopy, and was only adding insult to injury. Henry had become drenched with sweat.

Finally, the Wynaut stopped jumping up and down in ecstasy. Henry heard a loud voice yelling to the Pokemon, but he couldn't discern whose voice it was over the tremulous ringing in his eardrums. However, the grey Pokemon seemed to respond to the voice, and, with a final snicker, trotted out of the clearing. Henry felt his racing heart return to normal speed as he was released from the Pokemon's spell, though his throat felt raw and he couldn't stop wheezing.

"Henry!" the boy heard his mother shout. She appeared in the clearing almost instantly, still wearing her pink dishwashing gloves. He pounced at her apron and mumbled something into the soft fabric.

"What was that, Henry?" she asked, pulling herself out of the boy's vice grip.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," he choked out. His mother raised her eyebrows in surprise, though the gleam in her eyes was triumphant.

"Well, Henry, I accept your apology," she said, chuckling to herself. Then she stooped down to her son's level and wiped his tears with her apron.

"I promise I'll never have a temper tantrum ever again," Henry said, and he meant it. He was still in excruciating pain from his ordeal.

"Well, Henry, that's very mature of you," his mother responded. "In fact, I think you might be ready to take care of your very first Pokemon. After all, you are ten years old." She reached into the pocket of her apron and pulled out a red and white sphere. Henry took the Pokeball into his hand gingerly.

"What's inside it?" he asked, examining the ball.

"You'll see," his mother replied with a smirk. Henry pressed the button on the sphere and in a burst of red light, a small, grey Pokemon materialized and smiled at him. The Wynaut was ready for another Encore.

 

Claimed for grading. Should get it done by Wednesday.

 

Okay, here we are.

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

You give us a thoroughly unsympathetic protagonist- a fat whiny crybaby kid whose mom kicks him out so she can do her chores. And he's already ten! Good grief! There are indications that a Pokemon is following him around. Let's see if this Pokemon is going to straighten him out a little. Is that how you're going to resolve the plot? It's short enough that I'll find out soon.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

This... is a terrifying story. What a sadistic mother!

It seems to be a (very-)tough-love way of straightening out this Henry kid. He's going to have a very awkward Trainer-Pokemon dynamic going forwards.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

No problem here. The mom's got some irony behind her lines later on, which in some people's opinions might be quite delicious.

I see also that Wynaut got no lines. You've side-stepped having to consider how to render Pokemon-speech. Clever.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

We know exactly what Henry Polk is. We don't even know why he threw his first tantrum, but you've done a good job of making him unpleasant.

His mother doesn't really show her true colors until the end of the story. She has no compunctions about manipulating her son through abuse of Pokemon powers. It's halfway justified by his awful behavior, but she still comes out as kind of evil.

Wynaut is either evil as well or just enjoys watching humans do silly things without worrying about morality. Such malice that cheerful face hides!

The characters are pretty well defined in only a few thousand characters. They aren't nice people, but they're easy to understand. Kudos to you.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

A few small things:

There should be a hyphen after "ill," I think.

I think this metaphor uses "over her ears" instead of "on."

It might work better as "clawed at the door."

Nice word choice. He really is a terror, isn't he?

Past tense of "ring" is "rang." Also, that comma shouldn't be there.

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

Rich detail. I'd say you quite enjoyed writing the description of a terrified boy forced to wail.

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

Wynaut is blue, not grey.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Wynaut: SIMPLE (5000-10000)
Length: 6734

No problem. A bit on the shorter end of the scale, but that's no big deal.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

Creepy! Unpleasant! Riveting!

You've brought out a dark side of the Pokemon world. I'd say many people have done this, but you did it well!

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Capture successful! A short but sweet (sour?) story. Good stuff.

 

Thanks for the swift grade, Taras.