Clear!

Warning- This story has language and a mild birthing scene

Sparks danced around Dedenne's cheeks as he anxiously watched the birthing take place. The woman on the bed had a sheaf of caramel hair and petite, delicate features. She was short and thin, almost sticklike, with the exception of a massive bulge on her stomach. The woman was ten months pregnant, and the baby was just now coming. Many things could go wrong with such a late birth, and the tension in the room was palpable.

The doctor's brow was furrowed with concentration. "You're doing great, Sally," she said softly as she checked her patient's heart rate. The doctor was a sweet woman and looked the part, with chestnut brown hair tied up in a ponytail and bright green eyes. Her name was Doctor Rachel Denero, and she was Dedenne's owner.

Dedenne sensed he would be needed soon. He had two jobs as a doctor's assistant. The first was to cheer patients up by using the moves Charm and Entertainment. The second was a living defibrillator. He zapped their hearts right back into rhythm, whenever his services were needed. In this case it would likely be the first, because Sally was a strong woman with no history of heart problems.

Rachel nodded to him and he started his performance. First was Charm. It calmed patients down and made them more receptive to the second part. He hopped onto the metal rail on the end of Sally's bed so she could see him, then widened brown eyes and tilted his orange-furred head to the side. He finished it off by chattering his teeth, making an adorable purring noise.

The worry in Sally's eyes subsided and a tiny smile graced her lips. Dedenne knew he had gotten through to her. It was time to begin the second part, which used the move Entertainment and distracted patients from their worries, cheering them up. He nodded to Rachel and she grinned at him, opening a box on her desk and pulling out a chocolate cupcake. He took the heavenly pastry, resisting the urge to eat it. He knew Rachel would give it to him later.

Dedenne carefully balanced the cupcake on his head. It was squishy and chocolatey. He jumped once, sending the cupcake flying off of his head and himself flying off of the bed rail. He worried about his own landing first, then attempted to catch the cupcake, but he had misjudged. He had jumped just a tad too high and sent the cupcake on a trajectory straight towards Sally's face.

He saw it a moment before it happened, not nearly enough time to react. The airborne cupcake sailed down, down, down, to Sally, who didn't suspect a thing. She was hit directly in the forehead, squishy chocolate goo exploding out from the point of impact. She looked shocked for a moment before it turned to anger. "You... you..." she stammered, swinging her finger back and forth between Rachel and Dedenne. She settled on Rachel. "That rat covered me in chocolate! Was that supposed to cheer me up?"

"Well, yes, but it usually doesn't do that," Rachel defended feebly.

"I can see that! Otherwise you wouldn't still have this mangy thing as your assistant!" Sally barked. "Now deliver my baby and get that thing the hell away from me!"

Dedenne's ears both drooped. Never before had a patient said such cruel things to him. The woman was right, too. It had been his fault, all his fault. He supposed that maybe performing the routine a thousand times had made him reckless. He had forgotten all of the safety measures he had worshipped when he first began his work here. Only one thing was clear to him now. People could say things that hurt, and if he was so bad at what he did that he deserved them, he could no longer work here.

He slid off of the bed rail to the floor, and began taking slow, shuffling steps across the linoleum to the door. Rachel saw him going, and called after him, "Dedenne? Where are you going?"

"Is it leaving? Good," Sally grumbled, which only served to drive the point home for Dedenne. A tear crackling with electricity dropped from his eye and hit the floor as he ran.

Rachel glared at the woman in the delivery room with her. "You horrible bitch!" she exclaimed, shameless for once.

"Oh, I'm the bitch, am I? Not you, who hired an incompetent assistant to cover me in chocolate?" The harder Sally yelled, the more Rachel could detect a trace of an Irish accent.

"Yes. Now I'll get you a wipe to get some of the chocolate off. Okay?" Rachel said, her voice laced with sarcasm.

"Yes."

Rachel turned to the medical sink where tongue depressors, wipes, Q-tips, and more were kept. She pulled the cabinet door open and was rifling through it when she heard a wail from behind her. Rachel knew that noise. That was the 'the baby is coming now' noise. She whirled around and dashed to her patient's side. Even beneath the layer of chocolate, it was obvious that her eyes were shut tight and her jaw was clenched, meaning she was in serious pain.

"You're doing great, Sally," Rachel repeated, fumbling for a stethoscope to hear her patient's heartbeat. It had been normal earlier, but the beginning of the birthing is always when things go wrong. Her eyes went wide when she listened to Sally's heart. It was definitely off, skipping a beat now and then, and speeding up. If it continued, she would have a heart attack, and it wouldn't take a genius to figure out what had caused it. The shock and anger when the cupcake hit her had sped up her heart, and combined with the extreme stress of giving birth, especially when it's a month late, had goofed up her heart.

Rachel groaned and put her head in her hand. If Dedenne were here he could zap it back into rhythm as easy as pie, but oh the irony. The woman who needed Dedenne's services right now had scared him away.

Sally noticed Rachel's distress. "What's wrong? Is it the baby?" she called worriedly.

"Your heart is a little... irregular... at the moment. If Dedenne were here, he could shock it back, but he isn't," Rachel stressed. She paced back and forth. "And I don't have a normal defibrillator because I threw it out ages ago. I didn't need it. Dedenne filled that role just fine."

Sally's eyes were now wide with fright and pain as the baby crowned. She wailed again, a sound of pure anguish and worry, as Rachel rushed to her side. She reached and grasped the baby's shoulder's as they came, trying to help the process along. Next, his arms and chest emerged, and then his stomach and legs. Rachel sighed in relief as she held the baby before quickly rinsing the vaginal goop off and handing it to the mother.

Sally looked torn between joy and terror as she looked at her newborn baby. "It's a girl," she whispered, "and I might never see you grow up."

As tears began cascading down her patient's face, an idea struck Rachel. Dedenne's tears were electric. Sally had called him some very harsh things, so he had most likely cried at least a little. Rachel surveyed the ground for any bright and sparkly tears, striking gold near the doorway.

It was a perfect sphere, clear water resting on the dirty floor. In the center was a crackling ball of electricity, nearly as perfect as the orb of water it resided in.

Rachel pulled gloves on and carefully scooped up the precious liquid. It rolled across her fingers like quicksilver. She placed it in her left hand and ran over to Sally, knowing time was short. The woman looked frightened, especially because she was cradling her baby and taking deep, heaving breaths to try to control her heart rate. Her eyes were wide and her hospital gown soaked with sweat. Rachel quickly opened the woman's gown and placed the electrified tear over her heart....

..and nothing happened. It sizzled a little and then disappeared.

"What was that?" Sally asked.

"I thought the electricity from Dedenne's tear might be enough to shock your heart back... but turns out it wasn't," Rachel said sadly. "I'm sorry, Sally, but the only one who can save you now is Dedenne himself, and I think he's long gone. Unless..."

A smile suddenly spread over her face and she opened up the box of cupcakes, pulling one out and placing it in from of her fan. The beautiful smell of chocolate filled the room.

Sally looked bewildered. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to bring Dedenne back. He loves these cupcakes, has one every day. He has a good nose on him too, and with any luck, he'll smell these and come running back to restart your heart."

Dedenne did, in fact, smell the cupcakes, but he wasn't sure whether or not to come back. He was hiding in a supply closet, where he had ducked into after the floor cleaner had almost flattened him, and he didn't like it there. It was cold, dank, musty, and smelled strongly of cleaning solution. He missed Rachel's office, which had always been bright and airy and smelled of chocolate. He could even smell the chocolate all the way down the hall.

Dedenne was torn. He wanted back into his comfortable and happy life, he really did, but did he deserve it? He couldn't trust himself around patients anymore. Sure, Sally, was just one patient, but what if it happened again and again?

The smell of chocolate grew stronger as he pressed himself against the door and sniffed the air. He could hear Rachel calling for him now, too, and wondered why she wanted him. He was just a good-for-nothing rat, like Sally had said. Regardless, he was curious, and strained to hear what she was saying.

"Dedenne! Come back, please! I need you to save Sally!"

To save Sally? What had happened that she needed to be saved, and by him? Nonetheless, he wriggled out of the closet and scampered down the hall, eager to redeem himself in a patient's eyes. He could maybe be forgiven for his mistake earlier if he did this correctly.

He ran into the room and stopped dead. Sally didn't look good. Her hair was plastered to her forehead with sweat and she was gulping air. Rachel looked down and squealed in joy. "You came back!"

She scooped him up and placed him on Sally's chest, pulling the baby away for just a moment. She whispered to Dedenne, "Her heartbeat is irregular. Just do your thing."

She backed away to a safe distance and left Dedenne with Sally. He took a deep breath, looked into the woman's frightened eyes, and began to glow.

Sparks raced across Dedenne's body before solidifying into a single bolt of electricity and zapping Sally right in the heart.

Sally shot upward with a gasp, pulling Dedenne to her in a tight hug while Rachel confirmed that Sally's heart would be fine. The exhausted woman collapsed back onto her pillows and beckoned for her baby to be brought over.

"I already know what to call her," Sally murmured, staring into the little girl's adorable face.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"DeeDee. After the little Dedenne that saved my life."

Spoiler

Target- Dedenne
Difficulty- Medium
Character Count- 10685

 

Claiming this for my probation grade.

 

Plot: I actually like the plot idea a lot, it’s a rather novel idea and Dedenne was the perfect Pokemon to do it, even though there are tens of Pikachu clones.

One problem I did find was that the pacing was a bit off, the story started slow with exposition, and then just jumped into the climax – Dedenne leaving, and Sally having a heart attack – and the story ended in that fast pace; while that isn’t a problem per se in this situation, mainly because it’s a short story about a scene that’s supposed to be done quickly, it could be a hick up in longer or more demanding stories.

Finally the only other advice I can give here is write often and aim high but I’m pretty sure that’s already on your plans

Description: I like most of your prose, it’s just about the right amount of beige and purple, but there are some words that kind off broke immersion or I think could have been replaced, it’s mostly nitpicking but it’d be appreciated if you took the advice to heart.

While sheaf is right, it sounds a bit awkward, it isn't exactly a very common word and there are many other common ones that would work just fine. I'd recommend using words like mane, or mass, or don't use a word at all and describe the hair more, sure it's caramel but it can be curly, straight, short, long, etc.

This one is a bit more of a nitpick than the previous one because there's no right way to look sweet, and most of the time, how your hair is tied and the color of your eyes don't really affect whether you look sweet or not. Facial expression, voice, posture, size, etc. all play a role on it and it's best if you didn't just done away with those.

I'd either do away with the first part of the sentence - the last part is good exposition so it stays - or add some more details, for example, we know Sally's petite and delicate but we don't know if Rachel is.

The sarcasm doesn't really fit here, when someone says something sarcastically, they say it insincerely, often kind of mocking the place, person or situation. Rachel's just angry here, if she was being sarcastic she wouldn't have gotten up to get the wipes.

So I'd either change the text to ""Yes. Now I'll get you a wipe to get some of the chocolate off," Rachel said angrily "okay?" she finished, her voice filled with sarcasm." or something along these lines, or just outright take out the sarcasm and switch to angry or a synonym.

While technically right, beautiful is a word usually associated with vision and it doesn't really mesh well with smell, I'd suggest words like delicious or sweet, since it's easier to connect taste and smell.

Just something I noticed is that the chocolate isn't mentioned, and I don't think you said something about removing it before. While it's technically right, I wouldn't omit it because it gives off the impression that it simply disappeared.

Grammar: The grammar is pretty much perfect, while there's bound to be one or two mistakes there I didn't really catch anything after multiple read-throughs. So, you're good here.

Length: Like I said before this story is a bit short, just entering into the 10k range suggested for Mediums, but since this is a quick scene, something that happens in a span of minutes the length actually helps the story, by making it feel slightly hushed, it gives off the sense of urgency and speed. So, this part was good too.

Overview: All in all, I really liked your story, it's lovely and it's nearly perfect. Just keep writing and keep aiming high, m'kay? So, I say Dedenne is captured.

I'd wait for Princess Crow to give this a look over before adding it to your stats though, since there's a chance she might want to invalidate this grade

 

Validated, you can claim that Dedenne!!