Catching Pichu (Graded)

A Really Strange Day 1: Catching Pichu

This is my first story for catching Pokemon so, just in case, I chose lower level of difficulty.

Target Pokemon: Pichu (Simple)
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My name is Izumi, I am a Pokemon trainer in training. My parents are Pokemon breeders and my brother wishes to follow in their footsteps. I don't.


It had been a few days since I got my first Pokemon, Ralts. I hadn’t called it out of Pokeball yet because I was scared she wouldn’t like me. I was preparing to leave for my journey when my mom asked me to stop by the Pokemart for some Potions for her Pokemon. Sadly, it was in another town, so I had to go quite a long distance. I dislike going there, because my ponytail sometimes gets stuck in bushes and trees on the way which is really uncomfortable.


Putting on my baggy trousers and vest I felt prepared for the upcoming day. And so I came out of my house, the wind was playing with my blue hair while I took my favourite backpack from my mom and put on my shoes. They were slightly over my ankles so they were really comfortable on journeys through the forest. I liked the backpack because it had a lot of pockets and was perfect for long travels. I made sure I had everything once again and left, waving my mom a good bye.


Half an hour later, I arrived at the PokéMart, which was a grey and dull building in the centre of town. Still, it was the only thing worth noticing in the area.


There were some usual customers inside, and I was wondering if they ever went home to sleep. They were always hanging out at the same places. There were two small, nearly identical boys with sporty caps and t-shirts hanging around the Pokeballs, along with the young lady with brown curly hair and an elegant dress around the potions and finally the shopkeeper. She was standing behind the counter as usual in a light blue Pokemart uniform. Everything looked just like on the outside, grey and dull, the only colourful things were Pokeballs and various medicines for Pokemon. I just bought what I needed and decided to leave.


I went home the usual path that went through the forest. It was full of rocks and walking through it was really scary because as I went further the trees began covering most of the sunlight. This created a beautiful play of colours during twilight. I remember watching it once with dad; various colours were trying to fight their way through leaves to the ground, and each made those leaves glow making for a spectacular scene.


I was toying with Ralts’ Pokeball, since there was nothing interesting going on in the forest right now. I was throwing it up or simply from one hand to the other. It was a good pastime when I was bored. I imagined how I would play with Pokeballs when I get 6 Pokemon. That always made me chuckle.


I was wondering whether I should call her out or not. These Pokemon can communicate with telepathy with others, or at least that’s what I heard. I wonder if it is true. I had Ralts for some time now, but she didn’t say a thing to me.
“Maybe I should call her out and give her some ice cream. But what if she doesn’t like it?” I was thinking aloud and it was too loud, because the annoying neighbours’ kid, who was walking the opposite direction, heard me. Had I noticed him I wouldn’t have said anything but I was too deep in my thoughts to notice someone. He had messy brown hair and casual yellow and red clothes.


“Pokemon have their own sweets and they prefer them. You can’t just feed it anything”
“I don’t remember asking your opinion!” I knew he was right and that pissed me off. We both stopped after my remark. We were on the same road so there wasn’t a big distance between us.
“Seems like you should have,” I gave up trying to juggle with one Pokeball and started glaring at him as hideously as I could.
“You’re a trainer; you need more knowledge about your own Pokemon.” He continued after a short pause.
I was just about to say something mean when I got interrupted by his mom who appeared out of nowhere.


“Nate, sweetheart, there you are!” She ran to us and hugged her ‘sweetheart’ as tight as she could.
“Good morning.” I was trying to get the greeting out of my mouth without giggling. She was a tall and chubby woman who no one could look over.


“Naty, you were supposed to go and get your first Pokemon today. Professor Birch said he saved you one. Look here at Izumi, she already has one.” She then fully realised that I was there as well.
“Hi, Izumi! Where is your cute lovely new Pokemon?” She asked and headed towards me.
“It’s a Ralts and she prefers staying inside the ball. And I believe you’ve already heard about her from my mom.” I quickly said before she got closer and subconsciously covered the Pokeball with my other hand.
“Pity, I really wanted to see it.” She looked disappointed and ignoring the last sentence she returned to her son who was still in shock after the sudden attack by his mother.
“Just as I was saying” She couldn’t finish because Nate cut her off.
“I know, mom! I know!”
“How about you head there right now with Izumi? I’ll go to the Pokemart instead of you, Naty.” This was a big surprise for both of us and we quickly refused at the same time. However, his mom didn’t consider “no” as an option so we didn’t have any other choice.


“So, you don’t want a Pokemon because...?” I decided to be nice and start a topic because walking in silence was very uncomfortable.
“I’ve never said I didn’t want a Pokemon. I just... I would like to catch my first Pokemon.” I thought this was a really weird thing to say, because catching a Pokemon without a Pokemon was nearly impossible.
“But why don’t you just take a Pokemon from professor, catch another and release the first?” I was surprised how clever I sounded, unfortunately, I didn’t understand what I said.
“That wouldn’t be my FIRST Pokemon.” After this sentence I stopped listening because he began explaining why a second Pokemon isn’t a first. In the meantime, I was looking around for some Pokemon I could catch. I did have some Pokeballs and I couldn’t wait to use them, so I was always took them with me. But it was just a normal boring walk, through a path in forest.


“Do you understand it now?” He finished and looked at me expecting a reply.
“Uh, sure.” I tried to pretend I was listening to him.
“Geez, you weren’t listening, were you?” Although he wasn’t expecting an answer, since it was more than obvious, I shook my head.


I remembered I had Ralts’ Pokeball still in both hands and I looked at it, wondering if I should start playing with it again.
“Are you scared to let your Pokemon out?” He was looking forward so I wasn’t sure if that question belonged to me. It felt weird to say that I’d just wanted to play with it so I nodded.
“Why don’t you give it a try, here?” He finally looked at me, although I wasn’t sure what difference it made.
“I mean, at your home are a lot of people who want to play with Ralts, right?” I recalled how my parents and little bro had been all so eager to see her and how I had barely managed to get away by saying I was too tired.


Nate noticed the look on my face because he continued.
“Here, is a friendly and quiet place. Ralts might like it don’t you think?” He, sure enough, was right, again, there were trees around us and we could hear soft cries of Pokemon.
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t worry, what bad could possibly happen?” I shouldn't have seen this question as rhetorical, and should have given an answer to it, because, as I later realised, plenty of bad things could have happened. But then again, it's a memory I will never forget.


I decided to call Ralts out. “All right Ralts, come forth!” I threw the Pokeball on ground and watched what was happening. I saw my Ralts for the second time: a small, pale green, mushroom-shaped Pokémon with tiny red horns coming out of the front and back of her head. She looked as if she'd just woken up. “Ralts?” The little Pokemon asked with a sleepy voice.
“You’re so cute! My little Ralts!” I tried to reach to her to hug her. Either it was against her liking or I just scared her a lot because she started panicking and hit me with Psychic. I fell on my back and felt dizzy for a while. I had to touch the ground with my hands to make sure it was in one place.
Nate laughed and I started yelling at him. It was his idea in the first place.
“Maybe it was my idea but I didn’t tell you to scare her!” He claimed and continued laughing.
“If you only were quiet!” I yelled and everything was still spinning to me. I sat down, still having one hand on ground and the other on my head, hoping it would make me feel better.
“It’s not my fault that your Pokemon is attacking you!” It seemed as if he still considered it funny because he was still giggling. I was finally capable of standing up but, just in case, I remained sitting. It all started looking funny to me as well.


However, Ralts didn’t see it the same way, after loud “Ralts!” and a flash, she disappeared into thin air.
“What now?!” I stood up in the shock, forgetting my previous condition.
“Calm down, do you know where could she go?” The first thought was the professor’s house but then I remembered him saying that he never gets close to Pokemon he wants to give away. She probably went to a place she saw. I turned around and saw her standing on a branch of a tree hiding behind a big leaf. I wasn't sure what was she thinking, since I couldn't see her eyes because of the helmet-like thing.


“I’m sorry, Ralts. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I was walking toward the tree while saying this. I made only a few steps, since the tree was really close.
“Come down! I promise I won’t do anything scary again.” Ralts shouted one happy “Ralts!” and teleported right into my arms. I reflexively caught her, imagining that I wouldn't have kind of scared me.
“That was nice.” Nate said smiling.
“You’re still here?” I turned my head to him and glared at him.
“Maybe Ralts would talk to you if you were nicer.”
“Maybe someone would talk to YOU if you were nicer, Naty.” I added the last word after a short pause with a grin.


Something moved in a bush in front of us. All we could see was a tail shaped like lightning.
“A Pikachu! I’ve always wanted to have one! Go Ralts and attack it!” I threw Ralts on ground, she landed elegantly, as if it was planned, and was still she looked at me with surprise.
“First, you forgot to call an attack...” I didn’t wait until he finished and I posed just as I'd seen it in multiple programs about catching Pokemon and shouted: “Confusion!”
Ralts' eyes started glowing violet, and then she released a beam of violet light. It hit the other Pokemon and the little yellow creature flew out of bushes with a loud cry. After rolling over a few times it got hit by a tree. Or rather, it hit a tree. It looked confused and stared at Ralts. Obviously it wasn't prepared or expecting such a sudden attack.
“... And second, it’s a Pichu.” Nate added with a look that said that my ignorance wasn’t unexpected.
“Oh well, it will still evolve into Pikachu. But... isn’t it kind of stupid?” My reason for asking that question was because the Thundershock Pichu used flew towards the sky for a while but returned to Pichu, and hit him hard, making the yellow creature spark and fall over, onto the ground.
“Confusion is called confusion because it CONFUSES the target! I thought it was easy enough even for you to understand it.”
“I guess it wasn’t.” I said without any sings of anger because I was thrilled to catch the Pokemon. At the same time I put down my backpack and took out a small red device.
“Use Confusion before it snaps out of it!” Not that I was so clever, I was using Pokedex to call the moves.


However, I wasn’t fast enough. Pichu shook its head, and got rid of the confusion. Afterwards it used Charm, it hit Ralts' weakest spot with it's cuteness as its ears fell and it made a sad face with puppy eyes. It was almost disgustingly cute.
“Alright! Ralts Come on and use Confusion!” Sadly, it was easy to see that Ralts was reluctant to hit it as hard as she could so Pichu got just slightly pushed back. This time it didn’t confuse it and it used Thunder Wave, making itself spark and after a while it released the energy which hit Ralts. She seemed to be in pain as she slightly curved unable to make a single movement.
“Oh no! Ralts!” Pichu leant forwards sticking out its tail; it looked straight at Ralts and moved its tail from side to side. It tried to make Ralts concentrate on the tail using Tail Whip. Despite my opposing, Ralts started watching the tail, letting her guard down.
“Use Confusion!” I yelled hoping it would succeed but it didn’t. Ralts' eyes started glowing violet but then it stopped and she got just slightly curved again as a result of Thunder Wave. Meanwhile, Pichu started sparking. Once again, he closed his eyes and lowering its head it moved its hands as if it wanted to protect itself, just to stretch completely to attack Ralts with Thundershock.


The bolt of electricity flew to the sky, and after a few meters fell down on Ralts. It hit her with full power, slightly lifting her off ground, engulfing her in electricity and throwing her back down. She managed to stay on her feet, however, she had some problems with balance.
“Are you alright, Ralts?” Ralts seemed hurt but nodded and looked at me expecting another order.
“Psychic!” This time it worked and Pichu was send flying.
“Way to go! Now, Hypnosis!” Pichu used just another Tail Whip managing to get Ralts' attention again. Now, Ralts fully concentrated on her next attack, her eyes underneath her helmet started glowing which made her helmet glow too, Pichu couldn't help looking at the shiny violet light. Then it slowly started closing its eyes, each time blinking and trying to watch the light for longer but in the end, Hypnosis put Pichu completely to sleep and its sleeping body fell on ground.
“Great, Ralts! Can you teleport us home?” I asked without realising I wanted to catch that Pichu. Ralts looked shocked but Nate answered for her.
“No, and you’re supposed to throw a Pokeball to catch that Pichu!”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to do! Pokeball attack!” I shouted and hit Pichu’s head with the Pokeball.
“That will leave a mark.” Nate remarked as we were watching the Pokeball.
“I hope it will be successful.”
The Pokeball was shaking violently...

 

Re: Catching Pichu (ready for grading, comments are appreciated)

It's ready for grading. It's my first story so it's not really good. I'd be glad if someone posted some constructive criticism.

 

Re: Catching Pichu (ready for grading, comments are appreciated)

Just to let you know, your best bet is not to bump this story back to the first page, because graders generally pick the 'oldest' stories first, the ones on page 2 or 3, and bumping the thread makes it look like the story is new rather than having waited two weeks. (I actually had this story open before you bumped it, which is the reason why I knew it was the oldest ungraded story.)

Anyhow, the grade (Please take it as friendly advice, I write grades very critically but I mean it in a good way ^_^):

Introduction, Characters, Backstory: Well, your intro gives Izumi's basic backstory-- parents, brother, family 'business' that your character isnt keen on-- but lacks quite a few things.
One, a description: the reader has very little idea what your character looks like. Sure, we learn that she's wearing baggy trousers and a vest, but what color are said items of clothing? What does your character look like, as in, what color is her hair, how tall is she? Does she have any unique characteristics like a favourite headband or a bracelet that she wears all the time?
Finally, the transition from 'putting on my baggy trousers and vest' to suddenly being at the Poké Mart is very abrupt. A simple sentence like, "A half hour's travel later, I arrived at the Poké Mart," would make the segue from the introduction to the story itself much smoother.


Plot Content, Plot Flow: The plot is very basic, and is a borderline variation on the classic, "Trainer receives starter Pokémon, finds and battles another Pokémon, and catches it." Still, this is a Simple catch, so a more complex plot would probably just get in the way or make the story too complicated.


Grammar, Sentence Flow: There were a few issues with clarity throughout your story. The following are a few phrases, of varying severity, that confused me until I stopped to figure out what you were trying to say:

Basically the confusion here is between the verbs. You started out with a present progressive tense, 'It has been a few days...' (It's been,) 'I have not called it out...' (I haven't.)
This would be fine, but then you switched to the past tense: 'I was scared...' etc. However, after that your tenses were consistent, so this problem only occurred once. Maybe you just changed your mind mid-sentence as to what tense you'd be writing the story in, and forgot to go back and change it.
Your best bet is to change those first two to 'It had been a few days...' and 'I hadn't called it out...' That'll fix it. Another spot you confused your tenses:

When you're talking about the past, in the past, the tense you should use is the following:
'I recalled how my parents and little bro had been eager to see her and how I had barely managed to get away by saying I was too tired.'

Err, I can't explain the problem here in grammatical terms, but suffice it to say that "He said a really wierd thing" doesn't work if you've already quoted what he said.
I'd suggest replacing this with, 'I thought this was a really weird thing to say, because...' or 'Which was wierd because...'
And finally: