Buizel Your Way Out of This!!! (Open for Comments)

Pokémon Attempt: Buizel
Characters (without spaces):5423
Characters (with spaces): 6731

Buizel Your Way Out of This!!!​

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As Dee left the Pokémon Center with his lone Shinx, he began to think of his previous battle. He had barely gotten through it in one piece. If that Pokémon Center hadn’t been there in the middle of the woods, who knows what might have happened. He knew that by challenging those Pokémon, he was way over his head. But something, some urge, led him to do it anyway. Even if Shinx was at an advantage, it wasn’t fair because it was his only Pokémon. How could he have been so careless? He thought back to the battle against the two Staravia. He had been attempting to capture a Staravia that was pruning its feathers, when another had joined the battle.

“Shinx use Thunderbolt and shock them both at once!” Dee had ordered. The wild Staravia had split paths and the attack had managed to hit nothing but sky. Dee had watched in disbelief as both Staravia charged in at Shinx and both hit it with all they had. The Pokémon flew off after they felt that the “threat” had been taken care of. Shinx was lying on the ground, almost lifeless.

Stop beating yourself up, Dee said to himself. It was your first battle. You didn’t know any better. He kept telling himself this, even though he knew this was not the truth. He only hoped that Shinx would find it possible to forgive him. He looked down at his newly obtained Pokémon and couldn’t help but think that it was a strong Pokémon, one that would grow to be stronger than ever before, when he suddenly realized something. If his Pokémon was going to get any stronger, then he had to get another Pokémon to make training a bit easier. Then, as if on cue, he heard a sound coming from a nearby bush.

He moved around frantically, trying to see where that noise was coming from. What could it be? He wondered. Everywhere he looked, there was nothing but grass, sky and buildings. Finally, he gave up his search and continued walking. Maybe it was his imagination, he thought. At any rate, he wasn’t going to spend all of his time trying to figure out where it came from. He had to capture a Pokémon so that he could train Shinx faster.

“Hey, Shinx!” He called out. Surprisingly, Shinx turned towards him and waited for him to say something. “Are you ready to get stronger?” he asked.

“Shinx!” The Pokémon replied in a high, squeaky voice. Maybe Shinx was as eager to battle as he was. Shinx looked up at her trainer and smiled. Suddenly, a shadow quickly moved from one bush to another. Shinx turned towards the bush and growled. Even Dee could see something move to that bush. He felt his stomach drop. What was that? Was it a ghost? Oh, stop it, Dee! He told himself. There are no ghosts here. Besides, you can’t let Shinx see you like that. A Pokémon won’t fight if its trainer is afraid. He had to suck it up. He had to be a man.

“Shinx, uh, go check it out!” he stuttered. Shinx eased up to the bush. Suddenly, a stream of water came bursting from the bush and hit Shinx head on. “Ah!” he yelled. It was a Pokémon! “Battle position!” He said cueing Shinx to get ready to attack. They both waited for something to come out of the bush, but nothing happened. It was quiet, a little too quiet.

“Show yourself!” He yelled. Still, nothing happened. “Well, we’ll just have to force it out with a Thundershock!” Shinx’s fur began to glow and then it released a wicked bolt of lightning that landed dead on the bush. The attack made the whole forest light up. A flock of Pidgey fluttered from the nearby trees. Ratatta scurried from the bushes. The forest suddenly came alive. However, Bryce saw nothing that could have produced that stream of water that hit Shinx.

Then, a few moments later, a menacing-looking Buizel stepped out of the bushes. It had scratches all over where it had been hit by the Thundershock attack. Dee could have sworn that the Pokémon even had glaring red eyes. He took a deep breath and got ready for the battle ahead. “Are you ready Shinx?” He asked, eyes fixed on the Buizel that had just appeared.

“Shinx!” The Pokémon replied.

“Well, let’s catch us a Pokémon!” He yelled. “Now, let’s start off with a Thunderbolt attack!” Shinx released another bolt of light, only this time, it was more wicked than the last. Buizel sidestepped and dodged the attack, laughing mockingly at Dee and Shinx.

“Bui-he-he-zel!” It laughed heartily. “Buizel.” The Pokemon suddenly got serious. Then, Dee saw it. The thing really was menacing. It really had glowing red eyes, at least in his imagination it did. The demon Buizel started to spin its tail.

“Brace yourself, Shinx.” Dee said. Shinx planted her paws into the ground. She was not going to be beaten this time. She was going to prove to her trainer that she had what it took to rise to the top. She was going to win this battle.

Dee probably should have been telling himself to “brace himself” because the Buizel was heading straight towards him! Buizel was about to attack him with Aqua Jet! Dee jumped out of the way, barely dodging the attack. He yelled at Shinx. “Did you see that!?” A Pokémon had actually attacked him! Now, I’ve got to capture it, he thought to himself. He ran away from the woods and back towards the Pokémon Center where they had started.

“Use Discharge Shinx!” He yelled off into the distance. He didn’t want to get hit by that attack, that’s for sure. Shinx started to collect electricity within her fur. Then, she released it all in a sudden burst. Electricity went everywhere, once again, lighting up the entire forest. Bug, flying, and water Pokémon alike scurried out of the way to prevent being struck by the attack. Only Buizel stayed where it was. It absorbed the attack as if it was nothing, but Dee could see that it was actually getting weaker. He quickly ran back to the battle area and spoke to Shinx.

“That Buizel thinks it’s tough, but we’re tougher. Rush at it with Spark and then use Crunch!” Shinx nodded its head. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right over there rooting for you!” Dee said, running back towards the Pokémon Center. He watched from a distance to prevent from being hurt. “Alright Shinx! Do your thing!”

Shinx rushed towards Buizel, collecting electricity in her fur as she ran. She began to pick up more speed as she rushed towards the demon Buizel. Almost there, Dee thought. Shinx was about to hit the Pokémon when it jumped out of the way. The Pokémon started to run towards Dee!

“Shinx! Get it!” Dee yelled as the Buizel charged at him. Shinx made a complete U-turn and ran towards the Pokémon from behind. The attack hit! Buizel flew forward from the impact and fell at Dee’s shoes. Dee stepped back to get away from the Pokémon. “Al-right, Shinx!” he cheered. Shinx smiled. “Now, finish it off!” Shinx ran up to the Pokémon and bit down hard on it. Buizel cried out in pain.

Dee pulled a Pokeball from his pocket and threw it at the Buizel. The Pokeball produced a bright light that swallowed up the Pokémon. Dee crossed his fingers his fingers and hoped the capture was successful.

 

Re: Buizel Your Way Out of This!!! (ready for grading)

claim for grading!

 

Re: Buizel Your Way Out of This!!! (ready for grading)

Intro:

It was a nice introduction and hook. The reader sees that your Pokemon is hurt, and we are told of the outcome of Dee's inexperience as a trainer. It shows us the main character's... well character. However, we have no idea what your character looks like. So far, he is... boy like.



Plot:

Your character is a new trainer that just lost his first battle to wild Pokemon. He figures that needs to get another Pokemon to help train his Shinx. A demon Buizel shows up, but wait, Shinx defeats it with the Power of Confidence and Friendship, basically.

Your plot has all the elements of a basic story: Kid is in a forest, finds a Pokemon, catches it. Yet, you tell it in an interesting way. You show a lot of emotional reactions of both the main character and his Pokemon. With the amount of thought that went into the character's thoughts, this section gets a fine grade.

Grammar:

The worst problem (which isn't so bad) is paragraphing:

A good example from your story would be:

Muliple actions are being taken so it should look more like:

So looking through and finding things like this will help you in the future.

I found no speeling error (<--yes i know), Good job!

However, there are some other grammer tips I can give you:

You should use a colon after "something" since the following sentence "introduces the logical consequence, or effect, of a fact stated before" which is one of the places you use colons.

so

First, "He asked" goes directly with the question, so should be "he asked." Second, you don't need a comma since it doesn't fit any of the reason why you should use a comma.

Details:

You call Dee Bryce once:

Just things to look out for, especially if you're juggling a bunch of characters in your head. I do that sometimes, and I have to remember that this is one person's story.

You described the Pokemon and their attacks well, painting a picture for the reader that has never seen these attacks. However, again, you should describe your main character's appearance so the audience can picture him, since you don't have any other human characters. For all we know, he could be running around naked... Please don't make him naked.


Reality:
I liked the psychologial aspect of a demon Buizel. This can def happen in the Pokemon world. I think I'm going to have the section only if the reality is odd in a story.


Length:
Well in the required character count. For a story, though, in the future, I feel like it needs a little more, like more about Dee's character. I hope you continue the story after the grade.

Battle:
Excellent battle. It was tense, the moves were described well, and I enjoyed how you character was reacting and somewhat involved in the battle when was running away from the blast zone and such.

Personal Thoughts:
I would like to see more like his thoughts in the Pokemon Center, maybe interactions with human characters, but for a simple story, its good.

Verdict:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Here is your prize:



Good job on the story and I hope you write more with this character in the future.

 

Re: Buizel Your Way Out of This!!! (ready for grading)

Thanks for all of the good advice. And Bryce accidently slipped his way in because I was writing for an RP at the time also. ^^;

I will make changes that you said, and also plan on continuing Dee's journey. Thanks again!