Berries and a Battle(Simple)(SWC)

Spoiler

Target Pokémon: Budew
Rank: Simple
Target CC: 5-10K
CC: 15,833
Author notes: Not a great story, probably won't win SWC. But with exams this month, this may be my only post!
Comments: Even if you aren't grading this story, please feel free to post any comments or feedback you may have. All I request is that you wait until after it has been graded, thank you.

The room was small, very small. Not a cosy small, but cramped such that it seemed to suck the air out of him. Or maybe that's just how it feels now that he looks back on it. Walking down the stairs you were greeted by a counter and cupboards on your left, a small single bed in front of you and another single bed to your right. There was barely space to sit up on the bed to the right with the low ceiling and small cupboards above you. Lincoln sat as hunched over as he needed to on the bed. Water ran down the stairs in a small cascade from the deck above. Though he tried several times, simply the roaring rain was enough to drown out the attempts to soothe that little ball of brown fluff that curled up in his arms. A sudden wave against the hull tossed Lincoln from the small bed and over to the counter. Over the heavy rain and infrequent rolls of thunder, Lincoln heard a sliding and clattering sound behind him. He turned to find that his bed had slid from against the wall, closing in on but not pining him against the cupboard. He could remember wondering why the bed should move? This was a newer boat, or so he was told. The bed shouldn't move. Climbing over the bed, Lincoln found a small hoop affixed to the floor. Lifting the hoop pulled the small trap door up enough for the young man to slide into the crawlspace beneath.

The lower room didn't allow much more space to stand than the chamber above, though something was wrong with the walls. The walls shook and rattled, objects sliding around as the boat was slammed on either side by waves and heavy winds. Lincoln stumbled as something from the walls around him fell on his shoulder after a rolling wave. A flash of lightning etched the image of the lower hold into his mind. Cages everywhere, small metal boxes built of bars, with small shaking shapes inside. He could hear the pokemon inside recoil at his approach and used the light from his phone to see them. Many of the small creatures were thin and tired, their collars hanging limp around their necks.

Once it had dawned on him what Lincoln was looking at, he turned the phone to guide his way back to the hatch. The bed above had been kept aside by the open wooden door. As he surfaced, closing the hatch and hopping over the hard-matress bed, Eve grumbled at him distastefully. Lincoln ignored the pup, instead flinging himself up the sopping stairs and out onto the deck. Upon breaching the storm, Lincoln was tossed aside and almost overboard by the sudden wind. In the thick downpour, one could even see the wind as it rippled through the pillars of rain creating waves of air that slammed against you. "Link" Adams voice could barely be heard over the thumping and rumbling of the storm. "What are you doing up here?" He called, Lincoln's hands gripping the rail as he staggered over to the small sheltered spot where the blond haired captain stood waiting. "Get back downstairs! You'll get thrown overboard in a wind like this." The young man, drenched and shivering from the storm grabbed his friend's shoulder and simply stared at him for a moment. After watching Lincoln whisper into the wind for a time, Adam finally understood what was being mumbled at him. "You found the hatch?" He yelled, covering his eyes after a heavy flash of light. "This isn't the time! Get back down, we'll talk later."

"Are you kidding?" Lincoln finally shouted over the howling wind, grabbing the captain's arm and pointing to the hole down below deck. "I need to know what you're doing" He screamed, not noticing the little brown ball of fur sliding around on the wooden boards of the boat's deck. The quiet barking was almost drowned out entirely by the crashing of water both down and to the side of the small boat. As much as he wanted to race over and grab the little bundle of fur, Lincoln couldn't tear his eyes away from the wet and very pale man who screamed back at him about there being a time and a place for everything. It was at this point that the younger fellow, still clinging to the railing in the pouring rain, snapped his head away from the captain to search the deck. Eve had stopped barking. It was hard to hear her before, but when she stopped he noticed. Staggering out onto the open deck, Lincoln fought to hold his footing as he frantically searched for the little canine. Pressing his soaking hands against the steel railing he looked overboard. A force at his back, whether it was a strong gust or the captain he did not know, tossed the young man over the slippery steel and into the rushing water below.
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It had not even been a full day and Lincoln found himself crammed into a small rocky crevice by a waterfall on some unknown island. Three small pokemon sat further up the tunnel behind his head, quietly watching the man plugging them in. Lincoln's left hand covered his mouth as sporadic drops of water strolled down his cheeks. He felt almost as if the rain had come again. His chest heaved in shudders within the small confines of the tunnel. The tears that fell from his cheeks to the stone got lost somewhere on their path to the entrance. He could feel a small tongue stroking his hair comfortingly as his body shuddered with the release of a few more tears. In frustration, Lincoln's leg jolted and slammed into the roof of the small gap. Again and again, slowly he stopped the staggered sobbing breaths and instead began assaulting the rock around him. He could have saved him. The pale man on the beach, Adam, was his friend. Lincoln's fist slammed hard into the rock, splitting the skin as it went. He could have saved him, all he needed to do was shout. He could have charged in, sure, but he would have shared Adam's fate. Tears continued to skate across his skin, his breathing still laboured, as he thrashed about his confines. Lincoln's mouth and eyes were locked open, his vision blurred as he silently screamed at himself. Of everything he could have done, he did nothing. He killed a man, he killed his friend, all because he was too angry to think. Lincoln knew he couldn't really blame himself, Adam chose that life. Groaning in pain at the cuts and bruises his little boxed tantrum had caused, Lincoln closed his eyes and took deep breaths. In, and out. In, and out.

A slow and rhythmic clicking sound helped to settle the young man down. It was only once his breathing had slowed to a regular rhythm and level that Lincoln realised what the clicking must mean. With difficulty he wriggled his way along the rock out of the crevice. As his back dragged across the hard stone, Lincoln could feel his hair getting caught on something. Sick of such cramped quarters already he yanked his head out, almost slamming his forehead into the roof as strands of hair simply released themselves from him. The man rubbed his head a couple times before looking back into the darkness. It was almost impossible to see the hairs against the shadowed rock, the colour matched so well. Giving up the pointless search for a few strands of hair, Lincoln reached in to the crevice and gently lifted Eve out by her front legs. With the brown ball beside him, he carefully reached in again. Only after getting a slight lick from the cyndaquil inside did he pick it up and pull it out into the sun with him.

"So" Lincoln whispered, standing and glancing around the clearing. "Got water" he quickly pointed to the falls, mumbling to himself. "Got shelter" he pointed to the crevice, shuddering at the thought of spending a night cramped in the little hole. "Next on the check list is food." He smiled, glancing around as his hands rubbed together excitedly. Unsure about whether he wanted to try the water again, Lincoln moved to the edge of the clearing. Scanning the quiet and unmoving underbrush. It took a couple minutes before he spotted a small shrub peppered with little red baubles. Lincoln couldn't believe his luck, he owned a Cheri bush himself. The berries tended to be quite spicy but were fairly filling for their small size. Lifting a tree branch and arching his leg over a small log, Lincoln closed in on the shrub. The leaves were untouched and the berries perfectly ripened. Unable to believe his luck, the young man reached out to snatch a small bunch from the bush. Quickly fluttering wings slapped his hand as the silver striped bat hovered in front of him. The odd rock creature pushed at the front of his legs, forcing Lincoln to take a step backward. Looking at the small plant he'd stepped over, Lincoln noted the sporadic holes in the leaves. Holes were also visible in the leaves of the branch he lifted stepping in. However the bush was untouched, the berries perfectly ripe and juicy yet nothing ate them. Both the bat and the stone knew something he didn't. "Thanks" He mumbled to them with a smile, stepping back into the clearing and eyeing the bush for a moment as he walked away.

As much as he would love easy food, it appeared that wasn't an option. Standing at the edge of the lakelette, taking in the spray of the waterfalls, Lincoln examined the water for any silvery movement. His shadow crept along the ground beside him as he watched the water. The young man moved to sitting on the log as he stared out thinking, it felt like an eternity if even a minute. Nothing moved in the hazy depths of the oversized pond. At least nothing he could see. Turning his attention to his ears, Lincoln shushed Eve and the Cyndaquil who had been happily bounding nearby. A couple things moved in the treetops nearby, but no voices rang through the forest. It seemed the men had given up their pursuit and perhaps even left the island. Snapping a small branch off the log where he sat, Lincoln stood and approached the waters edge. After plucking a suitably heavy rock from the edge of the lakelette, he turned and set off slowly into the underbrush of the forest.

The shadows of the forest created this strange sense of a weight pressing in on him. Branches clung to his clothes as if the trees themselves were reaching out for him. Lincoln had never really tried to move quietly in a forest before, an at this point he understood why. The sound of crunching leaves underfoot continued even after he stopped to listen for anything around him. His eyes became basically useless in the dark labyrinth of trees, only showing the timber as it loomed within arms reach. His ears told him a wealth more information, thousands of tiny legs scurried through the brush near him. Quiet chomping and rhythmic pecking surrounded him on all sides. The forest was alive, and it was most certainly watching him. On occasion he would feel Eve's fur brush against his leg as she passed when he stopped.

A small gap in the canopy was the source of a brilliant pillar of daylight that broke the darkness and cast shadows from everything near it. In the middle of this golden shaft, stood a small group of odd little creatures. The small critters seemed more like large seeds than animals of any recognisable kind. The petals above their head, or body, were sometimes red, sometimes blue. They had small faces with simple eyes and small chittering mouths. They certainly looked as though they could make a decent meal, if only Lincoln knew how to cook something that was both plant and animal. Sitting on a branch nearby was something else evidently eyeing the small creatures for a meal. A large red dragonfly, almost three foot in length, was watching the creature's intently. The creature's wings began to flutter, vanishing as they picked up speed and lifted it from its perch upon the tree. Eve, sitting beside Lincoln's leg, had her rump wiggling in the air, ready to pounce on one of the smaller creatures.

Deciding at the last moment that, should he be able to catch it, the large dragonfly would make a better meal. Sliding the rock from his pocket, the young man placed his fingers at his eyes before pointing to the rock. A quiet clicking sound could be heard behind his head before Lincoln pegged the rock at the dragonfly. The red creature easily slipped out of the path of the stone, apparently seeing it but not the silver striped Zubat that had followed it in the dark. The bat's high pitched clicking dropped away entirely to be replaced by a whistling screech that had the young man's hand gripping at his head. Patting his leg twice, Lincoln pointed to the apparently dizzy dragonfly that drifted unevenly near the branch it had just left. Many of the litte creatures that had been basking in the sun scurried off into the darkness as a brown ball of fur dashed past them and launched into the air. The Eevee's tackle threw her opponent against the wood of the tree, where it clung confused.

Seizing his chance, Lincoln rushed from the shadows toward the large red creature. With stick in hand he attempted to skewer the bug to the bark behind it. Each stab simply bent or snapped the small stick against the carapace. With the man's hand around its thorax, the insect began beating its wings at incredible speed. It took only a moment before the motions of the clear wings made no sound. At least no sound that Lincoln could discern, his ears pounding in pain. It felt like barbed wire was being pulled through his brain from one ear to the other, were his ears bleeding? They should be. Staggering back in pain, Lincoln watched as the insect drifted away from the tree and began to float about. As he watched it seemed to split into three, maybe four, translucent copies of itself. The insect drifted in strange patterns before him. As much as the young man wanted to look away, as much as he wanted to close his eyes or cover his ears in pain, he couldn't. For a moment, all that mattered was this strange hovering dance.

A flash of silvery light broke Lincoln's focus as a blurry shape darted past the insect. The dragonfly was knocked off balance, swaying randomly in the air. Able to think again, the young man spun around and snatched a stone from the ground beside one of the few remaining little plant creatures. The strange plant pokemon cocked its head to the side as it watched him. Turning back and standing, Lincoln was still quite dizzy and was easily thrown to the ground by the red dragonfly zipping past. After clenching his eyes and shaking his head, the young man pegged the small stone as hard as he could at the dragonfly. Once again the stone missed, the large insect easily flicking its body out of the path of the stone. Lincoln watched as the little rock slipped through some leaves to land next to a quite well hidden little Eevee. His hand ran through the leaves and twigs on the ground, searching for a sturdier stick. One of the odd plant pokemon squeaked in surprise as his hand ran over it gently before he snatched up a very solid feeling stick from beside it. Pulling himself to his feet, Lincoln yelled at the bug. It looked away from its search for the bat only to be slammed into by a growling ball of fur. Each of Eve's paws stood on one of the dragonfly's four wings, pinning it long enough for the young man to find a spot to slide the stick between plates of armour.

When the large insect finally stopped twitching, the young man fell back on his arse. He hadn't been on the island even a day yet, and already he had killed something for food. For all he knew there could be settlements here, this could be a tourist vacation place. He pushed such thoughts to the back of his mind. Dinner was important, then perhaps make the shelter a little better. Worry about more of the island tomorrow. As he picked the large bug up, Lincoln noticed a couple of the little plant creatures sniffing it. The odd pokemon followed him as he and his two companions began back through the dark forest to their camp.

 

Re: Berries and a Battle(Simple)(Ready for Grading)(SWC)

Egad! A something that Elrond hasn't claimed even though it's been up for over a day? Mine plz!

 

Re: Berries and a Battle(Simple)(Claimed by Elysia)(SWC)

Yo, sorry for the delay. Let’s hop on in! Quick and dirty grade because I feel like you've been hearing a lot of my feedback already, but if you want something more detailed, let me know!

Also, I wasn't sure if this was SWC or not, but if you want to enter it, don't forget to post here! If you do end up entering this, I'll happily delete/PM you this grade according to contest rules.

THE PLOTTY STUFF

Wow, this is certainly an action-packed story! A lot of things happen—Lincoln wakes up on a strange ship, there’s a giant storm, rocks fall and everyone dies, and then Lincoln is left to fend for himself on a deserted island. That’s a lot of things to happen in fifteen thousand characters! While I enjoyed the plot as a whole, I feel like some parts of it went a little too quickly—I hardly knew who the captain and Adam was, I’d just pieced together that ‘Link’ was a nickname for ‘Lincoln,’ and then suddenly the captain-maybe pushed people overboard and then everyone is dead? Woah! I definitely felt like I was missing a little something here.

Take a deep breath. Just because you’ve got a suggested upper limit on your capture never, ever means that you should feel constrained to write under that limit. It’s just a suggestion, after all, and if you want to spend more time fleshing out your plot and characters, that’s totally gnarly! In this case, I’d definitely flesh out the beginning a lot more. This feels like a continuation of some of your other stories, but, alas, I haven’t read those, and I felt a little lost. Who is Lincoln? Who is Adam? I didn’t really have time to find out, and then the entire cast gets thrown overboard, literally. Yikes. I definitely would’ve liked to see some more focus on the beginning—it would’ve helped us know Adam and Lincoln and friends, which would’ve made attaching to their subsequent struggles a lot easier.

Otherwise, this was a pretty exciting plot! It felt a little strange that a lot of the focus was on Yamna (he had more paragraphs than Adam, I think), while you were trying to capture Budew, but semantics. This was a nice variation on the stereotypical plot of “boy walks into woods and captures Pokémon,” and I think your twists were original and added something to the story. Great work here!

THE MECHANICAL STUFF

This was probably your problem-area for this story, which is pretty odd—I remember most of your other works having the mechanics down pretty solid, so seeing some of the more basic grammatical mistakes here was a little uncharacteristic of you, I guess? There were a lot of strange typos scattered about—the first paragraph switches tense in almost every sentence, and there’s this odd mix of you/he that doesn’t really come up again. The typos persisted throughout the rest of the story, which made interpreting it a little difficult. Don’t forget to proofread! Only you can prevent orthographical mistakes, says Smokey the Grammar Bear.

In terms of some other mechanics, let’s take a quick look at commas and dialogue, because this came up a bit in your story. Basically, whenever you use some dialogue, there’s a very specific set of punctuation rules you’ve got to follow to incorporate it into your story. I like to think of dialogue in two pieces: the [what’s being said] part, and the [how it’s being said] part. So in this case:

“So” is [what’s being said], and
Lincoln whispered is [how it’s being said].
Think of them as two separate phrases, meaning we can’t just stick them next to each other. Instead, we’ll use a comma to join them together, so the whole thing looks like this:

I know it probably doesn’t look all that different, but it’s really important in the end. I promise.

Also, here’s a slight variation of what we just discussed above:

Let’s break it down!
“What are you doing up here?” is [what’s being said], and
He called is [how it’s being said]. Again, these are both part of the same sentence, so it doesn’t make sense to capitalize the “He” in “he called”—that makes them into two different sentences. No good! Try it like this:

A few more things to keep in mind. Let’s take a look at this quote:

Okay, so let’s break it down into the two pieces again.
“Got water” is [what’s being said], but
Hmmm, when we think about it, he quickly pointed to the falls doesn’t actually describe how it’s being said. Those are two different ideas, so it doesn’t make sense to put them in the same sentence. Let’s do a different sentence instead, like so!

I know that lecturing about tiny commas probably makes me seem anal, and these commas hardly seem important, but I promise: if you use commas correctly, it makes your writing look a billion times more professional. At least with dialogue, there’s a legit set of rules that people tend to follow all the time, so it’s pretty cut-and-dry. This is good ^^

There’s some other grammar/comma things we can talk about elsewhere if you’d like, but this section is getting pretty bulky already, so we’ll call it quits here. Remember, lots of proofreading, and comma rules!

THE PRETTY STUFF

Your descriptions were pretty nice! I really liked how you used color—the deep red dragonfly (yamna?), the silvery light on the zubat, the ominous storm. These are all really cool, and using so much visual description was a great way to paint a vivid picture of what was going on. This was great!

One thing that you might want to keep in mind is using other types of sensory language—you’ve got some nice sounds (especially with the storm), but how do things look? How do they feel? Smell, even? A lot of these things are only good situationally, but they can be pretty effective when you use them carefully. Maybe describe the gritty sand that Lincoln feels when he wakes up washed up on the beach, or the way the island smells like salty seafoam. Little details like this are great at immersing your reader in the story. For instance, that bit where you describe the sounds of the forest with the pecking and stuff was really nice—it set up the feel. Good work!

One thing you’d definitely want to keep in mind is the pacing. Don’t be afraid to linger on some descriptions a little more. The jump between “oh gosh my best friend in the whole wide world is dead” to “wow look a budew!” is waaaaay too fast. One moment, Lincoln is sobbing on the beach and lamenting why it couldn’t be him; in the next paragraph, we’re exploring the island. People dying is important. Human life is important. Adam’s death feels inconsequential in this story because there’s barely any focus on it—he’s in the story, he’s gone, and we spend nearly five times the amount of time looking for food afterward. It feels a little shoehorned in there, I guess? Some events in your story can definitely have more importance, and deaths of characters are definitely up there. Spend a little more time on the important bits, m’kay?

In terms of numerical pacing, yeah, you’re well above the character count. This is good, but it isn’t everything. Don’t forget to focus on pacing with the important things!

THE OUTCOME

One of the most apparent flaws here was your pacing—some of the important events felt really rushed (but, on the flip side, I don’t think anything was dragging out too much, which is half the battle!). Remember that your readers aren’t nearly as knowledgeable about the story/characters as you are, so even if it’s repetitive for you, it’s usually pretty helpful for us! Deep breaths. Put yourself in the reader’s shoes, and try to see if ‘you’ have an adequate understanding of the story with the description at hand. You aren’t at the stage of overwhelming us with detail yet, so don’t be afraid to add a little more! Especially if people are dying

Also, proofreading! Typos are bad news bears for a story and are generally pretty distracting, so if it takes you fifteen minutes and you can avoid them almost entirely, don’t be afraid to do another editing run.

O the whole, though, lots of good! Your plot was pretty engaging, and your description was nicely solid—more than what you’d need for a story of this caliber. As such, I’d advise you to keep the pacing/description stuff in mind, but I can happily say Budew captured! Congratulations, and enjoy your Pokémon!

 

Graded, but then retroactively deleted the grade in the name of SWC! I'm so devious!