AS COLD AS A WARM SWINUB (STILL PROOFREADING :( READY FOR GRADING!)comment please

AS COLD AS A WARM SWINUB

note:just so you know this is my first story. I'm an Canadian-English speaking...so i spell some words and things a bit different. so that's it then.

capture level: Medium
capture attempt: Swinub
word count average: 10,000-20,000
actual word count: 14,268



I looked outside. Snow was falling. Hard. I like snow. Sometimes, if you look hard enough you can see Pokemon that blend in with the snow. That is one of the best things (in my opinion) about snow. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to introduce myself. My name is Wergugy, I am from one of the most richest families in the world. I get whatever I want as long as I ask nicely enough. The only problem is that the only thing I really want, I can not and never will get. That thing is Pokemon.

The only Pokemon in the mansion, is my moms eevee. It can go wherever it wants in the house. It's really nice too. But my family will never let me get my own let alone go on a Pokemon journey. Like all the other normal kids in the city do when they get old enough.

I looked outside, and there was a delibird. I knew that because I always was reading about all the interesting Pokemon that live in different places all over the world. I had just remembered I was supposed to be getting dressed, so I got dressed and went down our large grand staircase. I always walk down the right side for some reason, I just like it. Don't really know why.

“wergugy!” called out my mom “come downstairs. Breakfast is ready, the cook made your favorite-pancakes!”

“okay” I called back “I'm coming”

So I hurried down the stairs and into the dining room. In the dining room there was my mom with her eevee on her lap and my dad who was talking to her about something(i don't know what and never did find out). The cook was putting down the syrup and the pancakes. As we were eating I asked my dad the same question I ask him every morning.

“dad?” I said
“yes?”he replied
“can I have a Pokemon?”

And yes I always get the same answer, “no” and then he goes on about it being hard to take care of and all these other excuses, that make no sense at all. I don't bother begging, because that is the thing he hates the most. Even though he gives me the same answer every morning, I feel like the next morning might give me a better chance of getting the answer “yes”.

I looked out side to see if I could see another Pokemon. I did. But this one, oddly, did not blend in with the snow. It was brown. I recognized it, but I could not remember the name. It was on the tip of my tongue, I knew it started with an “s”. I quickly ran to my room, sat in front of my computer, and searched all the Pokemon that's names start with an “s”. I scrolled down passing Pokemon like “smoochum”, “seviper” , and “salamence”. I kept on scrolling until I got to the name.

“swinub, the pig Pokemon. right” I thought out loud.

I ran back down the stairs and looked out the window so see if it was still there. It was. But some thing was wrong. It was not moving. I mean it is still in the same spot that it was when I first saw it.

“oh no” I thought “i have to help it”

I looked around to see if anyone was looking.

“no one” I thought “good”

I put on warm clothes and ran out side. When I got to the swinub it moved a little. It probably was scared and thought I was going to hurt it. I picked it up and wrapped it in my jacket. Then I turned around and ran into the house as quickly as I could. Ran up to my room. Right now I didn't care if anyone saw me, because I was afraid that if I stopped -even for a millisecond- the swinub would die. When I got to my room I locked the door, and went to the washroom. Then I washed the swinub of with warm water in the bath tub. I took it out and wrapped it in my blanket. I went to my closet and pulled out a new blanket. I put that one on the bed.

I walked up to the swinub. It looked a little better. It seemed happy though. I asked it if it was hungry. It replied with a “swi, swi, swinuuuub”. Assuming that was a yes, I snuck downstairs. I walked into the kitchen and took one of my moms eevees various eating bowls. Filled it with Pokemon food -that is from select breeders and is very expensive- and walked back upstairs. Went into my room and set the bowl down in front of the swinub. It ate the Pokemon food happily. When the bowl was finished I asked him (it was male) if he wanted more. He retreated deeper into the blanket. I assumed that it was a “no thank you”.

I looked outside and realized it was lunch time, I walked downstairs and into the dining room. I asked the cook what was for lunch and he said it was a surprise. He always says that when my mom wants him to make me something healthy that I don't like. When lunch was served, I wasn't surprised by the disturbing taste of the veggie sandwich.

Right after lunch I went upstairs to check on the swinub. He was doing well, much better than before. Apparently the blanket was getting too warm for him because he jumped out with a loud “swiiiiinuuub”. But, it was a bit too loud, my mom knocked on the door asking what was going on in my room. I just replied saying that I was watching a Pokemon video.

Just after my mom left the room I heard a ruckus outside. I locked the door to my room so that no one can enter and find out about the swinub. Then I went downstairs and saw a man complaining to my dad. He was wearing camouflage clothes and various things on his tool belt. The most peculiar thing about him was his long hunting gun.

“i saw it in your terrace”said the man “it was a brown swinub, I almost risked my life separating it from it's family and then it ends up in your terrace. I would get in trouble I entered without your permission so I waited till morning, and now I come to you and you say I can't search for it!”

From what I just heard I think he is one of those Pokemon hunters. The steal Pokemon and sell them to people. But some of them -the ones that carry guns- kill them and stuff them. My dad probably doesn't know what a Pokemon hunter is or what they do to Pokemon. That man probably knows that or else he would have not come in that uniform. What they do is illegal and the police are told to arrest them on sight. I continued to listen to the man, he might explain more of where the swinub came from.

“I just want my darling swinub back!” the man continued with a desperate look on his face “i miss it so much, it digs such nice holes for my flowers”

He was lying. It was obvious because before he was talking about “separating it from it's family” he probably knew he said too much and was trying to make him forget about that and feel sorry for him.

“No means no” said my dad “i know it does not belong to you, so that means you have to leave it alone as long as it is on my property. Besides my property is huge and it could be anywhere. And you said it could dig so it might have even dug out and be long gone since it entered. ”

The man obviously knew he had been beaten. But I was sure that when he turned around there was a smile on his face. The kind that means “i won't give up that easily” or “so it's plan B then”. I knew he'd be back. And next time, he won't be entering from the front door.


I hurried upstairs and checked in the swinub he was wandering around the room examining things. He would walk up to something, sniff it, and then turn around and start sniffing some more and walk in that direction. Then he he would sniff that and so on and so forth. I locked the door behind me and looked out my bed room window the man was walking out the gate. It closed behind him, he then darted to the side in a way that no one could see him from anywhere in the house. Except from my room of course.

It was dark outside. I heard my mom calling me for dinner. So I went downstairs and in to the dining room. The cook put the rice and the meat down on the table. While we were eating I asked my dad about the man that was at the door earlier, he said he was of no concern. When he says that it meas that the person was very disrespectful(if you haven't noticed yet my dad doesn't talk straight. He talks in circles, you have to know him to understand him.).

When it was time for bed I looked out the window, the man was still there. I opened up my wardrobe and dropped some of my clothes that I never wear on the floor of it. I shifted them around until they were comfortable. I picked up the swinub and put him on the clothes. I closed the wardrobe doors. I looked at the man one last time and then closed and locked the window. I layed on my bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

I woke up to a noise. I saw a man in my room. It was that man from before. I didn't make any movements to let him know I was awake. I realized that he wasn't carrying his gun, or any thing. He was dressed in black and all he was carrying were two pokeballs. I figured that he already checked the outside of the house so now he thought it was inside. I had locked my door, but now it was wide open. That probably means he already checked the rest of the house. This is because my room is the only room on this floor. My parents room is on the third floor. And the other side of the house is the maids quarters. And the cooks quarters.

I saw him reach for the wardrobe. I have to do something. I opened my mouth and said “so you're back for more trouble huh”

He nearly jumped out of his skin. He slipped and hit his head on the wardrobe door. That woke up swinub. It cried out “swiiiiinuuub”

The man jumped up, pulled open the wardrobe door and grabbed swinub. “your mine now you escaping little runt.”


The man leapt past me and opened the window. All I could do was stare in shock as the man attached his grappling hook to the window sill and climbed down. Just as he was half-way down the rope I came back to my senses. I put on some warm clothes and climbed down the rope. The man was at the bottom by the time I was half way. He was slower than me because he was holding swinub. I got to the bottom by the time he was about ten feet away from the house. I ran after him he turned around to see if anyone was following him. Swinub took that opportunity to squirm around and managed to wriggle free. The man was worrying about me so he didn't notice that the swinub had gotten out of his grasp. When he did I was already beside it.

I told swinub that we would have to battle if we wanted to stay safe. Swinub nodded in an encouraging way. I knew that he just was as scared as I was. But I also knew that he was just as determined as I was.

“so it's going to be the hard way then!” the man said “go snover!”

He threw one of the poke balls from his belt. Out of it came a Pokemon that's top half was white like snow and bottom half was brown like a tree trunk. It had some traces of green though. Snover, the frost tree Pokemon. I remembered the name this time. I tried to recall some of the moves that swinub knows. Then one of them just came to my mind. Just at that second the man told his snover to use ice punch. I told swinub to use ice shard. The snovers arm became enclosed in ice and it ran at swinub. Swinub made sharp shards of ice freeze around him and then they flew at snover hitting him hard. It knocked him back.

The snover got up. Barely. The man swore at the snover and then told it to use ice punch again. It's arm was enclosed in ice again and this time it charged, it was slower. I told swinub to use ice shard again. It hit the snover. This time it flew back and knocked into the man. the snover blew a gust of chilly wind freezing swinub. oh no! swinub was frozen a chunk of ice. i looked at him I heard the man cuss under his breath. He then returned snover to it's poke ball. I whispered to swinub saying that we are doing good so far.

The man took out another pokeball and said “your not going to win this time kid! I am going to be made into a fool by some spoiled rich kid! Go Glalie!”

Out of the pokeball this time came out a large ball like Pokemon with mean eyes and two large horns. The man told glalie to use gyro ball. Oh no gyro ball is a steel type move. That is super effective on ice types like swinub. So I told swinub to use dig. Then at that moment the two blue glowing orbs of light appeared on the tips of glalies two horns. It started to spin rapidly and move quickly towards swinub. Swinub dug under ground away from the glalies gyro ball. It stopped spinning and looking surprised looked around for swinub. Then from beneath it swinub jumped out of the ground and hit the glalie hard. It was caught off guard so it flipped in the air and landed on the man . then the glalie was pissed off. it ignored the man and let out a strong ice beam. it hit swinub. i thought we were done. But there was a problem, the glalies gyro ball had broken one of the lanterns on the wall and it had burst into flames.

Just then the fire truck and two police cars had arrive and my parents had walked out the front door f the house wondering what was going on. Out of one of the police cars came two officers. One of them asked what had happened. So I explained the whole thing. My parents were listening. When the police had finished arresting the man, one of the officers thanked me and said he was a notorious Pokemon hunter. He also said that the mans name was tyrelle. I turned to my parents and looked at my dad.

“Can I keep him dad?” I asked

“Sure son. If you can take care of him that well and have won your first battle, I think he is just fine.”He said.

“Thank you dad”I said

After the police had left and the fire fighters put out the lantern-and then left themselves- two mamoswine, a piloswine, and two swinub came out from the trees. Swinub ran up to them and started talking to them. I assumed that he was explaining what had happened. To them. I realized that they were his family. I was afraid he was going to go with them and stay with them. He turned and walked to me. I asked him if he wanted to stay with me or go with them. He turned away and looked at his family then he looked at me. When he had made his choice he faced...

If capture is success: ...me and ran up to me. His parents nodded as if they were say you can have him. I was so happy, now I can go n a Pokemon journey!

If capture is failure: …his family and ran up to them and let out a loud cry as if he was saying goodbye. Him and his family walked through the bushes and probably back up the mountain. I guess this is goodbye forever swinub. It was fun.

 

I AM NOT A GRADER, ANY COMMENTS POSTED ARE OPINIONS OR ADVICE AND AT THE DIRECT OR INDIRECT APPROVAL OF THE WRITER.

This first thing I noticed about this story was that there were A LOT of sentences that could be combined together to make the story flow better.

Such as:

But my family will never let me get my own let alone go on a Pokemon journey. Like all the other normal kids in the city do when they get old enough.

This could easily be combined into:

But my family will never let me get my own Pokémon, let alone go on a Pokémon journey like all the normal kids in the city do when they get old enough.

In fact, that sentence also brings up the second problem I'm seeing throughout the story: Comma usage. Commas are where they shouldn't be and aren't where they should be. A couple examples:

The only Pokemon in the mansion, is my moms eevee. There is no comma needed here.

Besides my property is huge and it could be anywhere. And you said it could dig so it might have even dug out and be long gone since it entered. ” There are a couple commas missing here. There should be one after 'besides' in the very beginning, and after 'you said it could dig'.

Whoever the grader is, they are going to get on you about the capitalization. Sorry friend, that's the way it is. :/ You didn't capitalize names a couple times, and just because something is in quotes doesn't mean there doesn't need to be a capital letter. Keep that in mind.

There are also a couple awkward sentences stuck in here. Since I'm lazy, I'm not going to post any examples. WORK FOR YOUR SWINUB!

Okay, now that I'm done being a grammar stickler, on to the story itself. :complain:

Character amount was fair, pretty much right in the middle. Between you and me, when it's that close to being average, try to push it over that halfway mark, even if it's just a little. It just looks better

I liked the intro. It was a new opener to a story (or at least the ones I've read) and it was for the most part believable. I too enjoy pancakes. :lick: I'm not sure if Swinub can really get too cold, though. After all, it is an Ice type. I'm not sure if it would enjoy a warm bath either, for the same reason.

The "Pokémon Hunter" was a nice touch. It brought a bit of creativity into the story, and it was funny how he snuck into the kid's room. Coughcoughpedophile. And it was convinient how he went the way that could only be seen from your room. o.o Just a little.

The battle was a little on the short side. Swinub could have at least gotten hit once, for goodness' sake. A few defensive moves would have made it last longer and help the fight develop into a more realistic one.

The conclusion was good, too. The little Swinub walking (do they walk?) up to his family and telling them about his adventure was also something I hadn't seen before.

Overall: Grammar: C, maybe a D+. LOTS of small errors add up quickly, and can make an otherwise well written story seem sloppy and thrown together.

Content: B-. The short battle hurt you here. Also, what does Wergugy look like? We know his background and his social status, but nothing about his personality or his looks is ever really displayed. I personally think that a bit more description of such a nice mansion would have been nice too.

If it were up to me, I would say......

Spoiler

SWINUB NOT CAUGHT

Sorry, it was the grammar that did it for me. Work on that and the battle, and get an official grade, and things should be much better. An extended battle should bump up the character count too; effectively killing two birds with one stone, if you'll pardon the expression. Don't be discouraged, mine was rejected at first too!

 

thank you for the little summary of my story...hopefully i will get around to doing that.

 

I'm not a grader, but you need to fix some of the capitalization. Otherwise, you're doing pretty good. Make sure all Pokemon names and the names of moves (like Hyper Beam) are capitalized. Also, in some of the dialogue, you didn't capitalize the first letter of the first word. Pokeball is optional to capitalize, unless of course, it's the first word in a sentence. :ksmile:

 

thanks, i'm working on it in my word procceser. when i am done with the proofreading i'll repost it on the thread.

 

Pre-claiming. Please PM me when you finish the proofreading run, and I'll grade it!

(edit)
All right, whatever. I'm going to go with your thread title and grade this over the next day or two. Just wait a little longer?

 

Okay, here's the grade. I hope the long wait didn't discourage you too much...

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

First-person narration. Okay... you establish that the protagonist likes Pokemon, is rich yet sympathetic, but has a problem with owning Pokemon. You say that everyone in this world goes out on Pokemon journeys- everyone but him. That makes him special... and not good special. He's obviously not too happy about that.

You seem to be setting up for some situation where he will capture a Swinub. I'm interested in seeing how it'll turn out: does he lose his wealth to gain the Pokemon? Does he have to step out of his sheltered life or something? We'll see.

So it's a nice intro. You set up the basics and, although it's a basic sort of storyline, leave me curious as to how exactly you're going to make it happen.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

It's a child's story told from a child's point of view with a child's logic. I'm not sure if this was intentional as a stylistic thing or if you were rushed. The boy sees a lost and terrified Swinub and takes it in. A hunter wants the Swinub and a confrontation happens. Plucky boy saves the day, wins the heart of a faithful Pokemon, film at eleven. It's all good. However, you sometimes lean on our (or your) familiarity with how such stories work and forget to talk about some necessary details or stretch the suspension of disbelief. That'll be under the "Plausibility" heading.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

Dialogue is functional. There are only a few lines of it. One thing: the main character didn't seem very overjoyed to have gotten his first Pokemon. All he said was a simple "Thank you, Dad." You could add an exclamation mark and a few more sentences in which he expresses his joy. Maybe with hugs. He is a kid, and this is his dad.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

All characters besides the protagonist are pretty much flat. That's all right. You could've made the father a little more interesting, though. You give us a few hints about his character (evasive, doesn't like begging, apparently prizing self-reliance) but you could do a little more. He's the second antagonist of the story after the hunter; he opposes the main character's desire to get a Pokemon. So I'm saying, flesh him out.

The main character... no complaints. He has some quirks which you lay out. Those are interesting- things like the going down stairs on the right can help illuminate his character. Just don't throw them in randomly. There should be some purpose: either it comes in important later ("Chekhov's Gun") or it combines with other tidbits to show us more about his personality. I'm no psychologist, though, so I'm not going to psychoanalyze him.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

You've already noted that this story is needing a rewrite. In that spirit, I'll only list the general problems so you know where to go.

Comma splices
Don't connect separate sentences with commas:

Aside from "most richest" being redundant, that comma there shouldn't be there. Replace it with a period or a semicolon. The period would work best.

Can not/cannot

This one's a little technical. Use "can not" to say that it's possible not to do something. Use "can't" or "cannot" to say that it's impossible to do it. So in this case you must use "cannot" or "can't."

Extra commas

Some commas shouldn't exist. This one is also the case in the quote I used for "cannot." These commas are perfectly fine for dialogue (writing what someone is saying) but when it's narration like this, you can't do it.

Capitalization
You must always capitalize: names of Pokemon, attacks, proper nouns, "Poke Ball," names. For instance, you need to capitalize "Eevee" in the previous quote.
Like the previous poster said, this one is huge. You really need to fix it.

Quote blending
When integrating a quote into a sentence, use commas:

Here's a corrected version with: commas used to set off parts of a quote, capitalization, fixed comma splice, and a space after the hyphen:

You can also use a colon instead of that hyphen.

Spacing
Use the proper number of spaces around a punctuation mark:

should have a space before the parenthesis:

Punctuation

You forgot two periods. Also, remember to capitalize and use proper spacing.

Splitting words
I've seen several instances of you breaking up words when you shouldn't have. "Cannot" for example. Here's another:

"Out side" should be "outside." This is an obvious typo. Fixing accidents like these is what editing is for.

Tense
Events in this story happen in the past tense. The protagonist's thoughts and comments happen in the present tense:

"Some thing" should be "something." However, what I want to talk about is the tense of the third sentence. This is a thought that the main character had, but he had it at the time that he caught sight of that Swinub, so it's a story event. It's not something he's commenting on afterward. Therefore, it should be in past tense.

Possessives
You need to add more apostrophes:

"Mom's" and "Eevee's" are missing apostrophes. Just be sure and remember not to use apostrophes to make plurals.
Also: it's/its. Remember, "it's" is short for "it is" and "its" means "belonging to it."

As you've said, this story needs a spelling & grammar overhaul.

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

You describe the story adequately. It's a simple setting: a mansion in the woods, in the wintertime. You could always add more things about how opulent his life is: decorations? fancy food? designer clothes?

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

Like I was saying, there are plot holes. I'll talk about them:

How did he get out of the mansion so easily? If he's given so much independence, surely he'd have encountered another wild Pokemon by now and pulled a It-followed-me-home-can-I-keep-it job.

How does he automatically know that the Swinub is male? You mention it in passing.

Why wouldn't the father know about Pokemon hunters? Pokemon play a huge part in life in this world. I assume from what you've written that the father must have gone on his own Pokemon journey in his youth. Just the sight of the hunting rifle should've set off alarm bells.

The hunter's going to break into a mansion? And he gets into the kid's room? They need a new security contractor.

Why should the main character be able to see the hiding hunter "of course?" Is he reasoning that since he's in a story he must get some kind of advantage?

What does the hunter need the Swinub alive for?

Why would the main character be able to catch up to the hunter so easily? He had to get dressed.

Why would the hunter battle the boy? He already breaks the rules of the Pokemon world. He'd have to be out of ammo or something.

That Swinub is pretty skilled. Why didn't he attack the hunter earlier?

That father got convinced easily. He should've said a few words about how he changed his mind about his son having Pokemon and how he ended up earning it.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Swinub, MEDIUM: 10000-20000
Actual count: 14101 with both endings.
No problems.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

It's an okay first-time story that needs a thorough editing run and may lean on convention a little too much.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Capture failed. This story needs fixing in a few other areas than grammar. In my opinion, you didn't entirely finish writing it. Once you've gone over it, though, be sure to PM me and I'll grade it again.