An Ordinary Shopping Trip

Gaius Vi Briannia stood at the entrance of the Celdadon City Department Store, dressed in all black and his hands in his jean pockets. With a wave of his hand he moved his dark hair away from his face and looked towards the large building. It had been several weeks since Gaius competed in the Indigo Plateau Conference, and the young man had ventured to the bustling city of Celadon to do some ordinary shopping. However, Gaius' day would soon be far from ordinary.

The young trainer looked down at the sole Pokeball that was hanging from the belt above his jeans. 'I did pretty well at the Pokemon league,' he mused. 'I sent most of my Pokemon back to Professor Oak in Pallet Town, and only have my Gengar with me. Since I'm not really planning on battling today that shouldn't be an issue.' As the young man began to walk through the doors, he saw an odd flash of yellow out of the corner of his eye. He quickly turned towards the sight and grabbed his black Pokedex from his right pocket, but neither he nor the device could see the object or tell where it went. 'How odd, I could have sworn I saw something. It could just be my eyes playing a trick on me or something, though,' he thought. 'Anyway, let's get moving so I can get this errand done with and get back to my hotel room.'

The Cedadon department store was a large purple building with at least five floors that were visible from the exterior. Large wall-to-floor mirrors lined the front in three distinct sections, with one small section on both the left and right halves of the building, and a large section approximately twice as large located in the middle between the two entrances.

Gaius entered the building and quickly looked at the white display board which listed the various floors. 'Hmm, I need to buy more Ultra Balls, Max Potions, and Repels. I may also want to pick up some Pokedolls for my next trip to the Safari Zone or National Park.' He pondered what else he may have to buy as he examined the layout of the floor.

Orange tile lined outer portions of the floor, and a large swath of yellow carpet was present in the middle of the room with a help desk seemingly located at the exact center of the floor. Gaius noticed several trainers milling about the floor, some sitting on benches or waiting in line to ask the receptionist for help in finding a particular item. 'It's a good thing that I know what I want,' Gaius thought, 'I don't have time to stand in line all day.'

The young man took an elevator to the second floor, which looked largely similar to the first floor. There was a large counter on right side of the floor, and six large bins, four located in a square pattern and two located closer near the elevators. Gaius navigated around several other customers and found where Pokeballs and Potions were sold. He purchased the Ultra Balls and Max Potions from a young, brown haired store clerk, and then went about finding the rest of the supplies that he needed. When he made his way over to the Repel section, he noticed the lights above him flicker momentarily. 'How odd,' the trainer thought, 'I hope the power doesn't go out. I don't exactly have a Pokemon with Flash on me, so I'd be walking around in the dark.' He then purchased several Repels and entered an elevator to ride to the fourth floor.

In the white-tiled elevator, Gaius pressed the brightly-lit button marked "4", and listened to a boring advertisement about Evolution Stones that played over a speaker. 'I would love to know about your sale on Evolution Stones if I actually had a Pokemon that needed them,' he muttered internally. As the floor indicator began to move between the third and fourth floor, the advertisement was quickly silenced and the lights in the elevator went out.

"Seriously, I don't have time for this," Gaius groaned, sounding exasperated. "I just had to mention a power outage, didn't I?" After a minute of standing in the dark, the young trainer heard a loud announcement through the door.

"Everyone, please exist the building until power is restored," the loud voice boomed. "All of our registers are run electronically, so we have no way to process transactions at this time. We ask that for your safety and for the safety of our stock that you come back at another time. Feel free to wait out in front of the building if you want to be apprised of when we have power again."

'I'd love to be able to get out of here,' Gaius thought, 'but the emergency door open button seems not to be working, nor does the emergency fire button. I guess I'm just stuck here until the power comes back on.' Gaius reached down past his black tee-shirt and felt the single Pokeball that was attached to his belt. 'Oh yeah, I actually brought my Gengar with me today. I'll see if I can use it to help me get out of here.' He pulled off the black-colored ball and threw it in front of him in the elevator. "Gengar, try to use Focus Blast to blast open the elevator door. After you launch the attack use Protect to shield us from any metal debris!"

A small, purple Pokemon emerged from the ball accompanied by a bright white light. "Gengar Geng!," the Pokemon yelled as a light-blue ball of energy formed in its right hand and slammed the orb against the grey elevator door. The door buckled and was blown outward by the strength of the attack, leaving a gap wide enough for a human to fit through, as well as a open floor several feet above Gaius' position in the elevator.

"Good job, Gengar," the trainer remarked as he watched the effect of the attack. "It's probably best to keep you outside of your Pokeball in case I run into any other problems. The fourth floor seems to be four or five feet above me, so I'll need to jump to reach it." He crouched down and bent his knees, preparing to use his energy all at once in a leap straight into the air. In one solid motion, he sprung upward, his hands outstretched hoping to latch onto the floor. As he neared what seemed to be top of his trajectory, his fingers fell forward and he felt a metal lip that appeared to normally hold the elevator doors. His fingers clamped down intensely onto the metal track as he held on for dear life. 'Ok, I took care of the part part,' he mused, 'now I just have to pull myself up.' The action took several seconds and caused acute muscle spasms throughout the young man's arms and shoulders, but by the end of the pain he found himself on the fourth floor, sprawled out from the effort.

After a few moments of rest, Gaius rose and surveyed the room. He could see one large counter on the far side of the room and various shelves and displays littered were strewn about the shopping room. "hm", the trainer chuckled, "I wish I could actually buy some Pokedolls like I planned, but I doubt they'd like it if I just helped myself and left the cash on the table. Oh well, let's get down the stairs so I can just get back to the hotel and put this day behind me." As he stepped towards the door and turned the knob, he found that the door downstairs was locked. Frustrated, he slammed his foot against the door trying to force it open, but to no avail. 'I could always have Gengar smash down this door, but probably paying to replace one door is already more than I had planned to spend today, I wouldn't want to make it two. I could try to go to the roof and see if Gengar could get someone's attention on the ground. Perhaps the local Squirtle Squad could come and get me, who knows.'

As he started to climb the stairs to the roof, Gaius felt a slight change in the air, and the hair on his arms began to stand on end. 'How odd,' he thought. 'It almost seems like there is a strong electric current running through this part of the store. Perhaps I should check it out.' With each step he took, the electrical feeling intensified. By the time he had reached the top step, the feeling had begun to cause the hair on his head to stand on end. 'Let's figure out what's going on. This is too peculiar to be a natural phenomenon.' As he flung the door open, bolts of crackling electricity were the first things that he saw.

Standing next to a large electrical generator was a small Pokemon, who appeared only a few feet in height. The Pokemon had a small, oval-shaped body, two eyes , a small mouth, two arms with three small claws at the end of each arm, and two yellow oval-shaped feet at the end of thin black legs. The two arms appeared so large compared to its body that they could almost touch the floor of the roof. On top of the Pokemon's head were two horns that could only be described as looking like the prongs of an electrical cord.

As Gaius slowly stepped forward, moving hesitantly to avoid attracting the creature's attention, he saw black rings around the Pokemon's arms, and body, as well as a black lightning-bolt symbol in the middle of the Pokemon's chest. The Pokemon's arms were spinning wildly and it appeared to be sapping electricity from the shop's generator and electrical lines. 'Hm,' Gaius thought, 'that must be why the power went out. This Pokemon must be sucking out all of the electricity in the building. If I remember my Pokemon correctly, I think this is an Elekid. This must have been what that yellow blur was that I saw before. It somehow scaled the building to get to the roof.'

The trainer paused for a moment and considered his options. 'I wouldn't mind having another Electric-type Pokemon at my disposal, so I may as well capture it.' The trainer looked towards his Gengar, who seemed to be assessing the wild Pokemon. The young man spoke in a somewhat hushed tone towards his Ghost-type Pokemon. "I want you to take out that Pokemon so I can capture it. Start out with a Shadow Ball attack and then wait for my next command."

The ghost Pokemon grinned widely and laughed playfully as a purple orb formed between his arms. As the orb grew large enough to reach the purple Pokemon's outstretched fingers, he threw it hard towards the unsuspecting yellow Pokemon, who seemed too interested in gathering electricity to even take note of the Pokemon and its trainer. The purple ball hit the Elekid in the chest, causing the Pokemon to stumble back several feet and cry out in pain and drop his arms towards the ground.
Elekid then turned slightly and faced its attackers, letting out a piercing yell. "Kid, Elekid! kid!" Within seconds, the Pokemon's arms were spinning wildly as it started to charge up electricity with a strange blue hue. Before the trainer had time to direct his Pokemon, an intense bolt of lightning surged from the wild Pokemon's body and completely enveloped the Ghost-type Pokemon.

The purple Pokemon shrieked out in agony as electricity coursed all over its body. Gaius felt helpless as he tried to figure out his next move. 'I would never have thought electricity from a baby Pokemon such as Elekid could be that strong. Have I actually under-estimated my opponent? I need to figure out what to do quickly before the only Pokemon I have on me is knocked out, because I don't think I could survive a direct attack from that thing.' He looked towards his Pokemon, who was still being relentlessly shocked by Elekid's electricity. Suddenly, a realization came to Gaius. 'Elekid must be channeling all of the electricity from the building directly into his attacks, so if I can knock out generator and sever the connection from the power-lines I should be able to beat it much easier.' He then looked again towards his Pokemon and yelled. "Gengar, quickly use Sucker Punch on the generator. If you can destroy it Elekid's power level should go back to normal, and then you can beat it no problem!"

The Ghost-type Pokemon weakly looked towards the generator, and thrust both of his arms forward in an attempt to carry out his trainer's command. After several seconds, small black fists appeared in front of his arms and shot towards the generator. As the attack struck its target, the generator seemed to explode, causing a small plume of fire and electricity shooting out across the rooftop and a large cloud of smoke.

After several seconds, the smoke began to clear away and Gaius could see the wild Pokemon slightly doubled over and wincing in pain from its proximity to the blast. A quick glance towards his Gengar showed that his own Pokemon was not in much better shape, as it had electrical burn marks across its body from the extended Electric-type attack. The trainer sighed and looked towards his weakened Ghost-type. "Gengar, please try to find the strength to use Shadow Ball again. I know you're not doing too well, but Elekid doesn't have much left in it either."

Gengar raised its arms and a relatively-weak looking ball started to form. As the Pokemon began to use its move, the wild Pokemon raised its arms and slowly began to circle his arms in an attempt to attack its opponent. Gaius looked on knowing there wasn't much that he could do. 'Gengar is too weak to move,let alone properly dodge at this point. I just have to hope that its attack is ready before Elekid's'.

For several seconds both Pokemon were readying their moves until the sound of lightning crackled as it shot out of Elekid's body. "Gengar, unleash Shadow Ball now," the Ghost-type Pokemon's trainer yelled. "You're about to be knocked out!". Gengar thrust the purple ball, as weak in strength as it was, towards Elekid. The Shadow Ball hit the wild Pokemon a few seconds before the bolt of electricity struck Gengar, causing the Electric-type attack to veer slightly to the right and miss its target. Elekid fell backwards and screamed in pain, and within several seconds the electricity coursing over its body subsided.

"Good job, Gengar," Gaius shouted as he lauded praise on his Pokemon. "Now you're mine!" The young trainer reached into his pocket and pulled out a red and white Pokeball. He quickly threw the ball towards the wild Pokemon, and watched as it was enveloped in a bright red light and sucked into the Pokeball. The orb wiggled for a few moments until the red light on the Pokeball dimmed, and a soft hum emanated from the ball. Gaius smiled and walked towards his newly caught Pokemon. "Excellent, a new Pokemon in my collection, and I owe it all to you, Gengar. Let's get you back in your Pokeball and to the Pokemon Center. I'm sure someone has come to unlock the door by now when they heard all of the commotion from the battle." He raised his Pokemon's black Pokeball and opened the lid, causing Gengar to get sucked inside. As the young man walked towards the stairs to re-enter the building, another smile crept across his face. 'Well,' he thought, 'this was certainly a lot more interesting than a standard trip to the store. Wait, speaking of store...' His thoughts trailed off as he looked around for his bag from his earlier purchases and could not locate it anywhere. 'Oh, I must have left my Ultra Balls and other items in the elevator. Oh well, I can just get them on the way down, assuming the trip is actually uneventful!'

Trying to Capture: Elekid (Simple 5-10k CC)
CC Count: 15,002

 

claiming ^^

 

Story:

There's nothing particularly wrong with that opening paragraph, but there's nothing outstanding about it either. That paragraph provides nothing to convince the reader that Gaius's day won't be ordinary; there's no reason to keep on reading. Hooks can be quite tricky: how do you lure in the reader without foreshadowing too much? Exactly where should you start the story, and how should you tell it? Anything that's unusual, without being overbearingly absurd, can catch the reader's eye very quickly. Perhaps Gaius is going to the Department Store for some wild, crazy item. Maybe he's rushing to the store to hide from all the Officer Jenny's of the world. Or maybe it's the way he's thinking about the items he wants that's so unusual, the readers are just captivated by his character and have to keep on reading. Think about creating hooks that are unusual tidbits of information, startling, and exciting for the reader to latch onto and proceed to read the story.

This is a cute plot! We have a conflict, an adventure of sorts as Gaius solves the conflict, and a battle that's really two-sided which is quite nice! Great job at incorporating the environment into the conflict by using the generator during the battle. For target captures of a higher rank, the conflict must become a lot more involved and multi-dimensional than a character getting stuck in a store when the electricity goes out, so always be thinking of how you can greater a greater challenge for your character and a more intense physical surrounding. You may also want to think about incorporating more characters into your works as well.

As a quick tidbit of advice, I'd recommend either switching your perspective style to an all-on first-person narrator or an omniscient narrator. Although it's not technically wrong to say, "Gaius thought, '(exactly what he's thinking here as if he's speaking)'," it can sometimes be a little awkward to read the character's thoughts every single time in this way. By switching to the first-person, there is no filter for Gaius to have to think as he can just say what he's thinking or doing himself. By switching to the omniscient narrator, the story would flow perhaps a little easier / more conventionally, as we would have, "Gaius thought ___ because he ___" which seems a little more natural to read. Anyway, good job with this story!


Description:

So in storytelling we can often rely on schemas to set the surroundings. A heuristic technique, the schema is a representation of nouns and concepts universally common to people. For example, if I say, "I walked onto the school playground," an image of an ordinary school playground comes immediately to your mind. You don't have to construct, from the bottom up, what every little slide or swing or sandbox looks like. I'm explaining this because I want you to use schemas to your advantage: set the scene, and then carry forth to tell a good story! You don't have to describe the exact layout of the department store, for example, because we know what a department store generally looks like. Even though it was nice of you to take the effort to describe it, that type of description just slows the story down.

How do you know when you can just cut forward using a schema? For the more vague, non-common nouns and places, you're going to want to use more description. If something's specifically eccentric or note-worthy, please describe it more than a common setting such as a park or a subway. Otherwise, just give us a sentence or two of what the department store / etc looks like, and we can move forth. Feed the reader moderately with description and let them rely on those schemas.

In general, you did a good job trying to describe thing! I did have a full picture of what we happening in the story. IF I can ask for anything, it would be more sensory details. Ex, what do certain areas of the store smell like, or what do the items feel like in Gaius's hand? These little details add up. On a final note, I'd like to challenge you to use stronger verbs for stronger description. By using stronger, more unconventional words or more specific verbs, you create a much more powerful description in the reader's mind. For example:

The bolded verbs are a bit more on the normal side, and that's not bad or anything! I just think description can improve if more intense verbs are used as verbs are the strongest describers. Picture it in your mind: imagine Elekid's arms flailing as he flies into the ground or the attack smashing him down. Play with this sentence and others for practice, and have fun!

Grammar:

Looks good here n~n just remember to capitalize proper nouns. For example, Celadon City Department Store should be capitalized in that fashion because it's all part of the same proper noun. And in general, please remember to proofread, as there were a few typos scattered about.

Length:

In general, I'd like to also challenge you to make stories a bit more concise... leaner, not fatter. We spent the first half of the story just walking through the store, which isn't necessarily bad, but the more action to keep the reader going, the better. Always remember that you want an active plot with important events happening to keep the reader hooked and to keep the plot moving forward. When you're proofreading, always question if the plot is still moving forward - if not, then we have filler, which is bad! This was a small criticism, but I think it can only make your stories better!

In terms of MCR, you're fine here, so good job! ^^

Outcome:

Elekid Captured! Keep the pieces of advice in mind, and enjoy your new Pokemon!