Ain't Nothing but a Houndour --SWC--

Pokemon:Houndour(Medium)
Character Count: 10k-20k Aim Real Length 13,139

I styled it as if it were in the anime and I was the main character. Here we go:

Ain't Nothing but a Houndour
By: Tyranitex

Piplup approached the lake with excitement, this was the first time in months that she had seen this much water and she was quite eager to get to the shore.

"Pluuh, Pipluuup!" she said vehemently, glancing back at Jake who was conversely quite relaxed due to the cloudless sky and high sun. He didn’t have much motivation to keep up with the pace of his excited penguin Pokemon.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." he said dissuasively.

Despite the weather, though, he too was excited to finally see his water Pokemon in the largest body of water they had been to yet. Lake Azura was well known for its clear, unpolluted waters, and breathtaking beauty. They reached the lakeshore soon; Piplup dove in without hesitation (“Plup!”) and began swimming with surprising speed considering its small size, a humorously small wake trailing feet behind him.

"I'm coming, motorboat." Jake said with a smile as he kicked off his flip-flops and threw down his towel and bag.

He dove in and felt the perfect water soak his pores. When he returned to the surface and blinked the water out of his eyes, he saw Piplup swimming around him in circles, happily leering at him. Jake had on multiple accounts made jeers at Piplup’s clumsiness on land, the species was known for it. It was time for revenge he guessed.

"Plup!" it said playfully and dove.

Jake took a deep breath and dove as well. When he opened his eyes he saw the true beauty of this lake. Green seaweed was straining sunlight so that it flashed and danced on the rocky lake bottom. The water was so clear that you could see from one bank to another, across what he guessed must be hundreds of yards. The lake was teeming with aquatic Pokemon. A Wailmer was lazily swimming in from the river that connected the lake to the ocean, a smile on its gargantuan, dopey, face. He noticed a small trio of Sharpedo in one corner of the lake where no other Pokemon were and he made a mental note to follow their implied advice when he returned to the surface. Jake noticed several schools of Luvdisc and Magikarp swimming by, swaying in the fluctuating current like bird Pokemon would in the sky. He spotted Piplup playing a game of tag with a Finneon and a Corsola as the mother Lumineon watched. He swam down and poked Piplup. She glanced up as Jake pointed towards the frothy lake top. Piplup understood and said goodbye to its new friends as Jake nodded a farewell as well to the Lumineon and rose, his breath now very short. When they reached the top together jake gasped for breath and looked around. When he caught his breath he spotted an island not to far from the coast and pointed.

"What do ya think Piplup? You wanna explore?" The Piplup was not eager to leave the water so soon.

"Plup!" it said stubbornly and Jake laughed.

"Ok, we can swim around some more. Hey! How about you practice that Hydro Pump we've been working on?" this time Piplup was quite eager. Her bold nature inclined her to show off, especially when she was in her element.

"Piiiiiiplup!" she said agreeably.

"Okay, listen up. I want you to dive really deep and then come straight up to gain momentum so when you reach the surface, you can jump really high and aim straight down. I want you to try to keep your self up in the air by using a strong steady flow okay?"

"Plup" she responded with a sharp nod and dove.

When she emerged she flew high into the air and flipped upside-down gracefully as if she had practiced it a hundred times.

"PiiiiPLUUUUUUP!!!" She roared as she let loose a huge blast of bright blue water from her tiny beak. It was no surprise that as well as keeping herself aloft, she actually rose a few feet from the surface too.

"That's really good! Don't lose focus!" Jake roared over the torrent of water. "I want you to let an extra strong boost of water out to push you a bit higher, and then flip once, and dive, ok?"

Piplup was sweating and a few seconds later she suddenly widened the stream of her Hydro Pump. Unfortunately, she then lost control. Instead of boosting her a bit higher like planned, it shot her fifty feet skyward, and spinning and flailing her feet comically, she landed *SPLOOSH* a pool’s length from Jake.

"Are you okay?!?" Yelled Jake as he sprinted over to the spot. Piplup was floating in the water, obviously dazed by what had happened. Now closer to the island he had noticed before Jake swam the fifteen feet with Piplup in one arm, the other awkwardly paddling. He lay Piplup down on the beach and scanned the thick shrubbery and plants that lined the Island’s beach. He had taken a Summer Herbs and Plants class with the Celadon Gym Leader Erika a few years earlier (although this was mainly to get to know the famous grass-type trainer better) and recognized the distinctive acid green fronds of a Revival Herb plant a few yards off, peeking out from in between two Cheri berry bushes. He raced over to the plant and plucked a few leaves off. To make the Revival Herb suitable for ingesting, you must grind it into a paste and wait until the mash has a distinctive acidic smell that is quite unpleasant to the nose. He vaguely remembered the Gym Leader saying. Grabbing a rock on the beach he mashed them into a paste frantically on his hand and shoved the putrid concoction into his partner’s mouth. After a few moments, Piplup spluttered awake disdainful and indignant from the taste in his mouth. She jumped up and began shouting at Jake.

"Pluuup,Piipluuuuup!!" but he didn't care. He collapsed onto his back on the beach and breathed a drawn out sigh of relief.

"Well I’m just glad you're ok.." He muttered Piplup shouting her protests in the distance.

Jake finally sat up and realized that I had more revival herb. I took out a handkerchief and a rubber band, placed the mush in the center and pulled up the corners before wrapping the rubber band around it twice and storing it in my pocket for later. I gazed around at Piplup. She was silent now, but her face was flushed and she was sitting with her wings crossed, facing the lake.

“Oh, come on! I just saved your life! The least you could do is thank me!” Jake yelled, but there was a huge grin on his face. he was obviously too relieved to be angry.

“DOUR!”

Both Jake and Piplup whipped their heads around to look in to the forest. The cry sounded angry and exasperated but Jake wasn’t scared, he recognized the cry of a Pokemon in trouble.

“You wanna go check it out?” He said already knowing the answer.

“Plup!” Piplup said shortly, all previous strifes forgotten to this new panic.

They both leapt up and in synchronized motions, sprinted in to the greenery. What was happening in those woods? Jake thought breathing heavily. I just hope it isn't too dangerous...

The lush forest was thicker than he though and several times he was slapped in the face with an overhanging leaf or stumbled over a thick, moss-covered root.

“DOUR!”

“Pip!” Piplup protested. His legs were shorter and he wasn’t exactly fast on land. Jake scooped him up with one arm and with a sweeping motion deposited him on his neck. The small penguin Pokemon was so light that it barely made a difference. Suddenly, he stopped.

“Is that smoke?” he said sniffing the now hot and muggy rainforest air.

“Pip! Pipluup!” Piplup said determinedly.

“You’re right. If it’s a fire, we can definitely handle it.”

And they got their wish sooner than they thought.

Just five more seconds of stumbling through the heavy brush brought them to a smoky clearing where several Pokemon were Howling in panic.

“DOUR!”

Piplup jumped off of Jake who was coughing harshly and flung herself towards the noise, disappearing into the smoke. Jake, who was now blinded by the copious amounts of smoke, walked slowly towards where he had just heard the chorus of Howls. He bumped in to a body and that body pecked his shin sharply.

“Ow!”

He recoiled grasping his shin. When he had blinked back the pain tears, he noticed he could see better under the smoke. About ten Houndour were grouped together Howling with all their might.


“PiPLUP!” Piplup was now motioning towards the place where the smoke was billowing, a horrified look on her face . On all fours, Jake stared. he could see nothing except for the darkest black smoke. Then he hear in the small time between Howls the faintest “Dour....”

“ There’s a Pokemon in there?!” He shouted

“Pluuup!!” Piplup shouted, her voice cracking with strain.

Infused with a new strength, and curious immunity to smoke, Jake shouted.

“Ok, Piplup this is it. I need you to use a weak Whirlpool at the base of the tree to get the Pokemon out of there. Then I need you to use Hydro Pump full blast at the tree! Okay?”

“Piiiiiplup!” She shouted with the same determination Jake felt and a salute.

“Okay! Go with Whirlpool”

A small, for foot high Whirlpool appeared at Piplup’s beak, and then was launched at the base of the tree. It glided gracefully over the ground and swept past the tree, slamming into the trunk and then gliding back before depositing a small Houndour at Jake’s feet.

The pack of Houndour yelped and leapt towards me. I felt the Houndour’s pulse and saw that it was alive it was just very weak and needed help. Jake then remembered: he had extra revival herb. He whipped the parcel out and hastily delivered some to the unconscious Houndour. Jake then stood up as the pack surrounded it.

Piplup was looking determinedly at him. He stared at her and they both nodded.

“Okay Piplup, time for a full power Hydro Pump!” Jake yelled.

“PiiiiiiiiPLUUUUUUUUUUUP!!”

Piplup opened her beak wide and sent a typhoon of water towards the fire. The fire was definitely fading but would she be able to hold out enough to completely quench the blaze? Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead as she clenched her eyes shut and focused harder than Jake had ever seen.

“C’mon Piplup! Just a little more!”

After a few gut-wrenching seconds, the fire was finally gone. Piplup stood there, her breathing very heavy, staring at the steaming wood.

“You did it, Piplup, you did it!” Jake rushed over to her and swept her off the ground, spinning her in a circle before hugging her close and then setting her back down.

Piplup coughed a bit.

“Do you think you have enough energy to pull off a Mist?”Jake asked, a huge grin once again upon his dirty and scratched face. Piplup breathed in a huge breath, as if she was going to heave a large sigh, but exhaled a soft, cool Mist that hovered over the clearing for a few seconds and then canceled out the smoke and steam. She looked back at the pack of Houndour that were now staring at Jake.

“What is it?” He said. The smaller houndour limped out in front off the pack. there was a bad burn across his chest and right leg but he otherwise seemed okay.

“What?” Jake repeated, bewildered. The smaller Houndour limped further forward and nudged Jake on the knee.

“Dour. Hound, Houund.” It barked up at him.

“You want to come with me?” Jake asked, getting a little bit excited.

“Plup!” Piplup walked over to jake and stared up at him as well, a smile across his face.

“Well if they don’t mind,”Jake said gesturing at the accumulated pack of Houndour, ”then absolutely!” The pack of Houndour barked happy calls of approval, said their goodbyes and retreated into the brush.

“Errrr... there is just one thing though.” Jake said after a while. The two Pokemon, gazed back up at him questioningly.

“Well, If you feel like you can swim you can,” he said, but Houndour cringed and whimpered “but-but you can wait for me to go back to the shore and grab a Poke Ball.” he finished and looked the small black dog questioningly. The dog smiled again and pointed his snout towards the sky.

“Douuuuur!” he howled up at the sky.

I peered skyward and a few moments later, a shape appeared and with it, a gust of wind. Jake shaded his eyes and backed up into the shade of the trees.

“Plup!” Piplup cried in surprise. Soon he saw a large black and white bird Pokemon with a curl of feathers upon its head flapping its large wings slowly and lowering itself down and finally landing on the ground. Jake then noticed a small red and white sphere in its beak. It spit the ball down onto the ground at my feet and faced Houndour.

“Star! Staraaavia!” it nodded and then took off, once againd filling the clearing with powerful gusts until it had cleared the hole in the canopy.

Houndour limped over to Jake, looked up, and smiled. He then prodded the front of the Poke Ball with his snout. Suddenly Houndour’s body was transformed into a shapeless red light, which flew into the now open Poke Ball, which in turn closed.

Both Piplup and Jake waited with bated breath and determined stares as the Poke Ball rocked back and forth several times on the dirt ground. Finally, after what seemed to be hours of waiting, the Poke Ball became still, briefly glowing red.

Jake slowly picked up the Poke Ball, speechless and expresionless in surprise. He just stared at it.

“YEEESSS!!!” he suddenly shouted,”I caught a Houndour!”

He gazed down at Piplup who was equally gleeful and Piplup clucked happily. They were both happy.

~ ~ ~

Jake and Piplup were back on shore with Jake’s bag, towel, and sandals. Jake hd already dried off and Piplup was thrashing around on top of the towel. They packed up their stuff and walked off into the dying day, hungry and happy with the newest member to their team.



TADAAAAA!!!!

Well, that's it! i hope you like it! Also, I know it's not the best piece of writing in the world, but I'd like it to be entered into the SWC just cuz I can! >
Thank You!

 

Introduction: It’s not the most gravitating introduction I’ve ever read, but at the same time, it had a certain amount of personality to it. I don’t see that a lot in first story attempts. You have something going on—and while it isn’t massively engrossing, like war or conspiracy or what have you, the way you’ve phrased it interests me. It raises questions. Why has Piplup not seen water? Where are they? What’s the Piplup doing here? Et cetera et cetera. I’m inclined to read on, just because I cared enough to ask myself questions.

You did a good job setting up the characters, basic plot launcher, and setting. As far as imagery goes, I would have liked to have seen beyond just the landscape, though. Remember that when you’re doing a short, straightforward plot like this, it’s important to describe your main characters right off the bat—even the Pokémon.

Plot: It’s pretty simple. Not a lot of opportunities for holes. While you do have a trainer-woods-Pokémon, which is something you normally want to avoid, there was a lot of exposition unrelated to the entering-woods-beating-up-junk portion that made this an endearing story, instead of a typical one. Good job avoiding the usual pratfalls of your base plot. I would advise you that you branch out in your plot conception, in the future, but for a first story, you have shaken things up more than enough to meet Medium standards. The interaction between Jake and his Piplup was not exactly riveting or mindblowing, but it had an attractive simplicity. I see surprisingly few moments like this in URPG fiction: Everything seems to move pretty quickly, and be filled with a lot of drama without a lot of down time. This is probably because down time is hard to pull off. You managed to get it pretty darned right, though, so it’s something you might want to pursue in further pieces.

The slight hitch in proceedings (with the Piplup’s epicfail) flowed nicely. It felt a bit melodramatic in reaction, I suppose, but that might just have been because of the exclamation points. That knee-jerk reaction could have been ironed out with a bit more mental dialogue on Jake’s part—your friend knocking itself out and needing medical attention of some sort is pretty concerning, but because the nature of the friendship is human-Pokémon, and therefore somewhat subservient on the Piplup’s part, there are additional factors that we can’t assume. Why Jake was concerned—what experiences he had with Piplup, what emotional value he placed in her, what use he had for her—is important, for something as short as this.

Also. I enjoyed what you did with the capture. It had a bit of action, but it didn’t feel SLAM BANG EXPLOSION-y (which, I dunno, you might have been trying for… but I didn’t get that impression, and I’m glad it wasn’t that way). Stayed true to the tone of the rest of the piece. And again, it had that whole “endearing” feel. I do wonder how Houndour would be effected by fires—I almost feel like something like that wouldn’t be dangerous for them—but I don’t know. It’s a relatively minor quibble.

So, on a whole, old concept, but elaborated with some well done sideplots and nuances. SO GOOD JOB. I liked it a lot more than I’ve liked more complicated plots for the same capture level, actually.

Grammar: You did have some grammar issues. It wasn’t the ever-devious awful construction that makes things illegible, though. It was just distracting.

First off: Run-ons. You have a lot of these. Some of them are comma splices, where you have two independent clauses connected by only a comma… (Piplup approached the lake with excitement, this was the first time in months that she had seen this much water and she was quite eager to get to the shore. → excitement; this) That doesn’t work. You need stronger “sentence glue” for stronger sentences.

You also had some sentences that just had too many clauses. A lot of the sentences you use –ing verbs had this problem.

EXAMPLE. “They reached the lakeshore soon; Piplup dove in without hesitation (“Plup!”) and began swimming with surprising speed considering its small size, a humorously small wake trailing feet behind him.? → This needs to be broken down a lot. You need a comma after “speed,” because the “considering its small size” is a modifier phrase explaining the “surprising.” As a general rule, if it’s not necessary to the sentence, it needs to be set off by a comma. Adding the “a humorously…” bit is just wayyyy too much for the sentence to handle. If you look at it, it makes sense if attached to “swimming,” and looks a bit awkward after “speed,” but still works… When you try to put it where it is, it’s just too much.

The thing about sentences like this is that you have quite a few of them. They’re something you need to watch out for. Take special note of sentences where you use and… or verbs that end with –ing. The end-all-be-all fix is going to be reading grammatical manuals. Temp fix: If a sentence has unnecessary components, double-check them for grammatical clarity. If they don’t seem to connect logically to the rest of the sentence, or if the grammar refers to something really far back at the beginning, it’s a good bet that the grammar doesn’t work.

You also had consistent errors with dialogue tags. Sometimes you forgot punctuation, sometimes you missed capitals… ("I'm coming, I'm coming." he said dissuasively. → “I’m coming,” he said…”) I’ll just give you a “master guide,” since these are straightforward right-wrong punctuation issues.

“I hate pie,” said the monkey.
“I hate pie!” said the monkey.
“I hate pie?” asked the monkey.
“I hate pie,” Bob’s monkey said.
“I hate pie.” The monkey smirked.

Keys to note:
You never use a period when you tag the dialogue. EVER.
You never capitalize the word that starts the dialogue tag (unless it’s a proper noun).
Non-speaking verbs are not dialogue tags.
Exclamation points/question marks do not change these rules.

You have some funky word choice, sometimes. Not much you can do with that other than double-check definitions and usages.

Detail: Your detail was really strong in a lot of ways, and not so strong in others. You chose what you described pretty well, and went about that description with a certain amount of atmospheric success—which is the important part of description, really. One thing you should consider is that most graders want you to describe Pokémon pretty thoroughly. Also, giving us a faceless protagonist can be detrimental. However, your description of scenery (the lake, especially) had splendid elements to it. I could see the lake. The “next step” in this process would be not just describing what the beasts in the lake are doing, but what those beasts look like. Whether this is a step up or a step down is something you need to decide for yourself, based on your own style and what you want to say with it. Action versus existence is one of the lines of imagery that needs to be hopped based on the situation. Consider that as you write more. Also, remember that you have all five senses to draw from: touch, sound, taste, smell, sight. You also have thought, which can be a better tool than all five.

ALSO. I want you to do something for me: write a story in which you eliminate EVERY SINGLE ADVERB. Figure out how to say the same thing an adverb says, but in different ways. Adverbs tend to weaken writing. The strength of words goes verb → noun → adjective → adverb. You really need to use them pretty carefully in narrative, or they get extremely out of hand. (Not quite in the same way that last sentence does… but the principle remains.) Adverbs can also sound kinda condescending, in some contexts. Take… “a humorously small wake trailing feet behind him.” The thing about the adverb there is that it doesn’t actually tell me a lot. Okay, the wake is small… but why is that humorous? A more complicated phrase could do the idea more justice, and show me where the humor is.

Battle: No battle. No problem. The fire is metaphorical enough for me. It’s also less tedious, and more enjoyable.

Length: 3 posts

Verdict: For your first story? Psh, yeah. Houndour Captured. Your plot wasn’t complex—on the contrary, its simple feel made it appealing. A lot happened, but it didn’t feel like this BIG MASSIVE WORLD-CHANGING EVENT. I liked that. Your details, when you employed them, were also really atmospheric—the lake, the fire, the day… It was easy to feel. Again, the specifics of the sight details are often something graders call for, but I’d take atmosphere over specificity any day. The former is good writing; the latter is thorough writing.