Abigails Birthday (For SWC)

Hi.
This is my first story abd I'm going into medium category.
I intend to catch ralts.
Ralts
Medium - 10K-20K
Actual - 12,070
(A bit on the short side but it's my first story)
Here it is;
Chapter 1
“Ral – ralts.” The humanoid pokemon, white in colour and a helmet with two red horns on its head, dragged himself across the forest floor. It was night time and a distant shouting was intensifying into a ghastly shriek. Ralts stopped. He had nowhere to go as he was surrounded by a compilation of enormous rocks. The injured, exhausted and anxious pokemon dared not to look behind. His heartbeat dropped as he heard the voice he dreaded.
“Ha, nowhere to run little one. You’re trapped and you’re going to bring me some good money.” The voice appeared to sound from all sides of Ralts’s position and echoed in a sly manner.
The bushes rustled in front of Ralts. A silhouette of a tall and muscular adult materialized. The figure slowly walked into the collection of rocks. The moonlight hit half of his face. The contrast between his pale, white complexion and dishevelled black hair came across as uncanny and beastly, as though he was an animal. A faint scar could be picked up near his left eye due to the glimmer of the moonlight.
“What do you want to do next? No power, no escape and no time left! Go Carvanha.”
The man threw the pokeball which he had with him in his left hand all this time. At once, an abrupt light was given off and the Carvanha released. An abnormal pokemon levitating as there was no water present. It was half blue and half red. Two sharp yellow fins were situated on its head as well as another one under its belly and its tail. It had an obscure pattern under its mouth. It was hard to see as the moon had been enveloped in a thick cloud. It seemed to be a yellow star.
“Now Carvanha, use crunch!”
The piranha – shaped pokemon headed towards Ralts with its jaw wide open. However, before Carvanha could get to Ralts its body gleamed in a luminous green. Before Carvanha could even blink Ralts had disappeared into the sky in a laser.
“Blasted! He used teleport. Come on Carvanha; let’s get him this time…”
Chapter 2
-Six Days Later-
Abigail observed the night sky, though there was nothing to observe. The sky was painted in a mysterious black, almost reaching to Abigail, calling her, beckoning her, telling her something was not right.
You see Abigail is a 15 year old girl. Her birthday is tomorrow. She can’t wait to be sixteen. However, the past six days, Abigail could not sleep. She tried the best she could, but could never go to sleep. Whenever she did, it felt like she was hypnotized, although she would wake up again quickly as she would suffer from a peculiar dream as though it was being eaten.
For some curious reason, Abigail was always drawn to the night sky. Even the sky was curious. The last few days, Abigail noticed no stars were present; moreover the sky had changed from its usual deep, dark blue and emerged into a gradual blackness.
Abigail came out of her confinement with the night sky when she heard the hustle and bustle of her parents downstairs, in addition to some rustling in the bushes of her back garden. Abigail knew that her parents were planning a surprise party. Many of her friends had been invited to help with decorations and preparations for tomorrow. Her parent’s thought Abigail would be asleep and be best to call her friends at night. If only they knew that Abigail was awake and for what reason she could not go to sleep…
Chapter 3
-Meanwhile-
“Come on Murkrow, we’ve been searching for six days. You have to find that blasted-teleporting pokemon in the sky. Our clients are not going to be happy if they’re further delayed.”
“Krow – murk – murk”, cried the black bird almost resembling a magpie. It flew enthusiastically around a street.
“What have you found it?” The muscular male looked across the street, examining all the houses. The street was as quiet as a mouse, a meandering road ahead of him with houses on each side. The cars had been parked in respective gardens and the lampposts were flickering on and off, as though they are not working properly. Not a single house was awake, all besides one. The last house on the street, number 13.
Number 13 was not a huge house but neither a small house. Its front garden was the end of the road where the owners had changed the road floor into smooth bricks, where they had parked they’re cars. Around the edge of the garden were bushes, which could be seen following around into the back garden. The back garden was fenced up but was next to a forest. The owners were awake inside, attributable to the fact that the light’s were on downstairs and many people where moving around, as seen through the glass window on the door.
“Clever little one, but I’ll find you. Hiding near a house whilst giving the impression you where teleporting in the sky. I see why the client’s want you so badly.” The muscular man heard a rustle in the back garden bushes. He quickly jumped over the gate to go investigate…
Chapter 4
Abigail could not stand it any longer. She was bored in her room, but she couldn’t go downstairs and ruin the surprise party. After all the trouble her parents went through, Abigail could at least act surprised. Therefore, Abigail got her pillows and threw them on the floor of the back garden. She then tied her bed sheets, towels and jumpers to make a rope. After tying it to her bed she climbed down it into her back garden. Abigail landed on the pillows effortlessly as though she had broken out the house before. She stood up before breathing in the air and extending her arms out for a stretch while whispering “Ahhh, Fresh air!”
The bushes rustled again but Abigail thought it was the wind. All of a sudden, a twig snapped. CRACK!
“Who’s there? My parents are just in the kitchen so you better watch out” mumbled Abigail. A slight hesitate in her voice. “I said come out!”
The bushes rustled again, Abigail covering one of her eyes as she was too scared to look, and a pokemon approached. White in colour and a helmet with two red horns on its head. “Alts –ral” whimpered the bruised pokemon prior to collapsing onto the ground.
“Oh my, a Ralts. The poor petite pokemon. It’s injured I need to get it inside. Guess I’ll have to tell mum and dad. Mum will know what to do she’s a doctor. Although, if I go inside I’ll ruin the surprise party for tomorrow. I can’t let this pokemon suffer; I’ll have to go inside!” With that Abigail went inside.
“Darn, she took the Ralts inside.” A head appear out of another bush near the fence of the front garden. “I guess I’ll have to go inside and get it…”
Chapter 5
“Mom, help, HELP!” Abigail ran across the conservatory where some of her friends where decorating. She got by the door and opened it forcefully. “Mum, help please. I’ve got an injured Ralts.”
The kitchen was full of party foods, decorations and most of all people. Abigail’s mum was sorting some icing on the birthday cake. Her dad had a banner in his hands. About 5 friends were blowing balloons and writing birthday cards.
“Oh no Abigail. Umm I wish you a mareep birthday, I wish you a mareep birthday…” sang Abigail’s dad worriedly.
“Wrong song” barked Abigail.
“Oh yes um. Happiny birthday to you, happiny birthday to you...” sang Abigail’s dad once more.
“Not now dad!” shouted Abigail. “Mum, I found this injured Ralts in our back garden.”
“Hmm. Let me see” said Abigail’s mum in an enquiring manner. She took Ralts and examined him. “He’s alright just exhausted, this should make him better” With that she reached into the box adjacent to her and grabbed a berry. It was yellow in colour and shaped as a miniature-bloated pear. “Here, eat this, a Sitrus berry.” She forced it into the mouth of Ralt’s. Subsequently, she laid Ralts on top of the table. “It need’s just five minutes rest” exclaimed Abigail’s mum.
Chapter 6
Ding Dong!
“Oh the doorbell, I’ll get it” said Abigail’s dad after being no help before. He went out of the kitchen and went by the front door. His Persian was by the door. “Move Persian” said Abigail’s dad before opening the door.
A tall, muscular man wearing a suit was standing in front. He had a pale, white complexion and dishevelled black hair as well as a faint scar near his left eye. “Hi, I’ve lost a Ralts and I’m just going round to check if anyone has seen it.” Persian gave out an angry hiss and looked at the man.
“Be quiet, Persian. Shoo, move. Sorry about that yes we’ve got your Ralts here. It was badly injured so my wife looked after it. Please come inside.” The man followed Abigail’s dad into the kitchen. “Honey, this is the Ralts’s owner, he’s came to claim his Ralt’s back.”
Abigail looked at the man. Something was not right. She sensed something was wrong. The same feeling every time she had those dreams. She plucked up the courage to say “How come you left your Ralt’s injured and alone?”
The muscled man looked at her and shouted “How dare you! I love my Ralts and it’s not my fault it teleported.”
“Oh yeah and why did it end up in my garden?” Abigail asked now speaking in a demanding manner gradually increasing her anger at the man.
“You must be the girl that brought Ralt’s in from the back garden. I see Ralts has been contacting you.” The man spoke slyly whilst approaching Abigail and scanning her.
“Wait, I never said that we found Ralts in the back garden. Also, how did you know I bought it inside? I think you’ve been spying on Ralts.” Abigail, now with so much confidence and stride that she could burst any moment, looked straight into the eyes of the man.
“Just give me my Ralts!” screamed the man, his face now turning red.
“You know what, I don’t think this is your Ralts!” said Abigail calmly and at the same time coming in front of Ralts as though she needed to protect it.
“Fine you’ve caught me!” yelled the man. He took hold of his suit and ripped it of himself. He was now wearing a black top and black jeans as well as black trainers. “I’ll take that Ralts, if you don’t mind.”
“Who are you?” commanded Abigail’s dad.
“Me?” said the man quietly. “I am J. I steal pokemon for money and that Ralts is worth a lot”
“You’re a pokemon poacher” exclaimed Abigail’s mum.
“Why yes I am,” snapped J
“Ralts.” Everyone’s head turned to the table where the laid Ralts, now standing, was shaking its head.
“Guess you’re awake now. Go Carvanha!” J let a piranha shaped pokemon out.
“Ra-ralts” Abigail noticed Ralts wanted to battle.
“No you can’t you’re injured.” Abigail stated. However the humanoid pokemon got up and teleported it self next to Abigail.
“Ha you’re going to battle me with that! You’re practically giving me him,” mocked J.
“You’ll see” replied Abigail sarcastically.
“Now Carvanha, Crunch” The water/dark pokemon came towards Ralts opening its jaw.
“Dodge by using Teleport” commanded Abigail.
Ralts body shone green as it disappeared.
“Honey, use magical leaf” commented Abigail’s mum.
“Now use magical leaf Ralts”
Ralts appeared behind Carvanha. He raised his arm and then took it backwards. Quickly he brought his arm back to the front and let of luminous green leaves.
“Carva” The piranha-shaped pokemon had been hit.
“Aaargh, Got you!” It was Abigail’s dad. He had got a rope and tied J.
“Let’s call the police” exclaimed one of Abigail’s friends.
Chapter 7
-10 minutes Later-
“Thank you for your help with the capture of this poacher.”
“You’re welcome Officer Jenny.”
The police lady, wearing a blue uniform and cap as well as white gloves, walked away with her Growlithe and J.
Back inside Abigail was talking with her mum. She told her mum that she couldn’t go to sleep the last few days and the dreams, as well as the sky.
Abigail’s mum though quietly for a moment then replied, “Well, as a doctor, Ralts sense happiness in people. It was going to be your birthday and you must have been very happy. Therefore, when Ralts teleported away from the poacher he sensed your happiness and tried contacting you through it teleport in the sky, and your dreams by using hypnotise and dream eater. Your dad and I were going to let you choose a pokemon for your 16 birthday as a present but we think you’ve found it.”
Abigail looked at Ralts and put a pokeball on the table and asked “Would you like to be my partner?”
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That's it.
If I catch it all that happens is Ralts touches the pokeball's center and goes inside. Then yay woop woop I catch it and all the rest cheers.
Oh this is also for SWC since its my first one I'd just like to enter it so do I keep my captured pokemon (if I capture it)
Thank you

 

Claimed, because if I didn't, you'd send Maverick after me. xD

 

Sorry if this took a while. It was a combination of my laziness and school work. So yeah, sorry.

Intro: Right away, you drag your reader into the story with your description of Ralts and the scene unfolding around it. It would have been nice to have a bit more description so that the reader gets a better idea of what the area your story takes place in looks like, but since Ralts is only a medium level Pokemon, this doesn't hurt you too bad. It would have been nice to have a little info on Ralts' personality too, though you did get J's personality across, so thats pretty good....

Plot: A Ralts is being persued by a Pokemon poacher, it uses Teleport to get away, ends up in Abigail's backyard, Abigail finds it and brings it inside, and then ends up battling the Pokemon poacher. The story ends with Ralts contemplating her offer of being partners. Your plot is nothing if not creative, so you get points for that. The way you divide the story into chapters is kind of...odd. I can't help thinking it would have been better to to just put a border or skip a couple of lines, just because the word 'chapter' usually implies more than a few lines. That won't hurt your grade at all, but it's something to think about for your next story.

Dialogue: Your dialogue was a little clumsy. You should try to have characters speak more naturally in the future. Overall though, your dialogue doesn't interfere with the main story too much, so this section is okay.

Grammar: "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself....and bad grammar."

Your grammar is....not great. hdear: Also, some of your sentence structure is a little awkward, so....

Since this is a list, you need to add a comma after 'exhausted'.

That sentence is....weird. It might look better like this:

Still....How does something echo slyly?

Once again, since this is a list, you need a comma after 'no escape'.

This is another odd sentence. This might sound better:

You need to capitalize any Pokemon moves, including Teleport.

You need to throw in a comma after 'almost'.

The rest of the grammar problems you have are pretty much repeats of everything I all ready mentioned. Also, you should try reading your story aloud to make sure stuff doesn't sound awkward. Sure, everyone around you will laugh at you for writing Pokemon fan fiction, but you'll become a better writer. *The more you know*

Detail: You do a good job describing all of the Pokemon that appear in your story, as well as J, but you completely forgot to describe Abigail. :dumb: I have no idea what she looks like, other than that she's 15, so that's something you definitely need to work on. Just a short description can tell a lot about your character. For example, if she has short hair, she might be tomboyish or a rebel. However, if she wears high heels and a skirt, then that tells us something completely different about her. Also, it might be nice to know a little more about the places your story is set in, but I all ready talked about that in the intro, so....

Length: You needed 10k and you have 12k, so you're fine.

Reality: Nothing seemed to unrealistic, except that your character is a 15 year old girl and she beat an older, more experienced person at a Pokemon battle with a Pokemon that had a major type advantage. Other than that, you're good.

Personal Feelings: This is fine for a first story. It has a creative plot (which is more than most people can claim their first time around) and you remembered to describe your Pokemon (which I love you for). You still have a lot of work to do, but I think you'll be fine in time.

Outcome: Ralts....captured.

Work on your grammar, dialogue, and detail. They get better with practice, so write whenever you can. Here's your Ralts:

 

Uhhh. I graded this or whatever. So yeah. :mail: GO CHECK YOUR MAIL.