A Wild Pair

Intended Captures: Slakoth & Spinarak
Target Characters: 10,000 – 20,000
Actual Characters: 17, 615

‘Looks like I lose the bet,’ Sonny Tango thought as he looked at the large drop that awaited him. Normally people advised against looking down whilst at a great height, but that is the direction that your eyes are inevitably drawn towards; when hanging upside-down it was even harder to resist the lure of the ground. In this situation it afforded him a view of a wonderful antique granite floor, lit by a series of overhead strip lights, about 15 feet below his current position. He forced himself to raise his head, resting his chin on his chest, but that didn’t necessarily provide him with a better view. Instead of his impending fall he was now looking at the rope that he was suspended from, specifically at the point where it disappeared around the lip of the ventilation grille. The rope was fraying.

In his typical stubbornness he’d insisted that the 9mm thick rope would serve him fine, whilst his partner Kitty ‘Kid’ Dalmers had told him to use the reinforced 13mm rope. She’d claimed that the metal edges of their planned entry point would shred a standard rope, and it would be better safe than sorry, particularly on this job. This Pokémon Centre was renowned for its architecture, having been converted from a castle, and boasted some incredibly high ceilinged rooms; he could not afford to drop from that height.

“It’ll be fine,” he’d asserted as he manhandled the rope into his backpack.

“I bet you dinner at a fancy restaurant that the rope breaks,” she had countered. Only their long-standing association with each other had allowed him to discern the undercurrent of worry in her voice; if she was right there was a high chance he might not be able to pay his wager.

“Ok then, one dinner, winner picks the eatery. Just make sure you’re not too busy regretting this deal to concentrate on your part of the mission,” he teased her, knowing that she would remain as focussed as he would.

Sonny and Kid had been working together for the last half-dozen years now, ever since they’d both joined Team Rocket at the same time, mere days after having finished at their respective schools. Over the years their partnership had developed to a level far above most teams; in the field they were totally in sync, during their down-time they were best friends. Most of their compatriots refused to believe that their relationship went no further than that, and those who did blamed the lack of romance on one of them, whilst loudly pitying the other about their unrequited love. Sonny didn’t much care what anyone thought, his relationships were his business, but Kid took an almost perverse pleasure in playing the various roles for the various commentators, thoroughly confusing the hell out of anyone trying to piece together a coherent perspective on the pair of them.

If Sonny had given any honest thought to the matter, he would have realised that he really did love Kid. He loved everything about her, her looks, her personality, even her adorable little foibles (like how she refused to eat certain bananas because their curve formed frowns rather than smiles); but had long ago decided that she didn’t feel the same and so had buried and forgotten about his own desires. Besides intra-team romances seldom worked out and invariably resulted in a messy break-up that generally involved one party informing the police about the other; it was safer to remain ‘just close friends.’

Often in life-or-death situations people will come to startling epiphanies about their lives, such as realising that they love their best friend. Unfortunately for Sonny, his mind was entirely engaged in looking for a way out of the situation, so there was no resulting epiphany.

Most of his equipment was in his backpack, which he’d already lower to the ground; so there was no help to be found there. Similarly the workman’s jumpsuit that he was wearing held nothing but a few tools, none of which were any use in this situation. The Pokémon that he and Kid shared for mission purposes would be absolutely perfect for getting him out of this predicament, but Kid had required it for her role in the mission. He could simply go hell for leather and attempt to climb down the rope, but the additional motion would probably cause the rope to break. Sonny was fairly confidant that he couldn’t reach a height that would result in only minor injury by using that tactic; the floor was solid granite and he would strike it head first. The final option he considered was attempting to jump for one of the many high shelves stacked with Pokéballs, but they were too far to reach without swinging the rope, which held the same risks as climbing.

Just about the only idea that had any merit was swinging for the shelves, so he quickly begun his attempt. Sonny gyrated his body to start the rope swinging, and then slowed his motions to match the swing and maximise the distance moved. The pendulum motion had only allowed him to close the distance by half of the margin he wanted when he heard the strands of rope above him begin to tear again.

‘Looks like I don’t have much of a choice,’ Sonny thought as he threw himself off of the rope, aiming for the nearest of the shelving units. He slammed into the unit three shelves below the spot he’d been aiming for, desperately scrabbled for a purchase and sighed with relief as he managed to get a firm hold. Thankfully the shelves were made from thick mahogany, so they were able to support his weight easily, and the wide base of the unit prevented it from tipping when he’d collided with it. Sonny slid himself sideways along the unit until he reached the ladder that was attached to it, and carefully climbed down as the rope he’d arrived on finally gave way and thudded to the floor behind him, echoing loudly around the cavernous storage room.

So far the plan had gone off without a hitch, excluding his near-death experience. Several days before, Kid had gone to the centre posing as a Pokémon Trainer travelling through the area. Whilst she ‘recuperated’ at the Centre for a while, she had hacked the computers and executed a controlled overload of several electrical systems, as well as using the opportunity to verify that their primary target was here.

Sonny was blessed with being of average height, average build and no distinctive features beyond his ivory coloured hair, making him an expert at blending into crowds and being easily forgettable. This allowed him to don a green jumpsuit and black wig to slip in, unnoticed, with the workmen coming to repair the damage Kid had done, so he could access the ventilation systems. It had then been a simple matter to find the primary Pokémon storage room whilst Kid maintained her connection to the computers and kept him hidden from the security systems.

Now he could simply peruse the shelves and steal Pokéballs at his leisure, after he had located the ones that they really cared about. This particular Pokémon Centre provided the only healing and storage facility for quite a large area, so many hundreds of Trainers relied on them to look after their spare Pokémon, but there was one Trainer in particular that mattered to them. It was a little known fact that Bruno, a member of the Kanto Region Elite Four and one of the top-ranked trainers in the country, also stored some of his Pokémon at this Pokémon Centre. Any Pokémon that he owned would undoubtedly by incredibly powerful and well trained, even if of a somewhat limited scope because of his preference for Fighting-types.

Sonny quickly made a sweep of the shelves, checking for any signs that might indicate which Pokéballs belonged to Bruno, internally celebrating as he noted that several shelves had plaques denoting their owner. It looked like things were going their way once again, he’d been concerned that the staff may have logged the owners elsewhere, which would have forced him to either locate the log or just grab and hope.

“Sonny come in,” Kid’s voice came through the communicator that was plugged into his ear.

“I read you Kid, you win by the way,” he grudgingly admitted as he continued to check the shelves for Bruno’s plaque.

“That’s not important right now, we’ve got incoming heat. One of the workers realised that you weren’t a member of their crew and has alerted the police.” Great, that was the last thing that they needed. “There’s officers crawling all over the Pokémon Centre, get out now.”

“I’ll use exit strategy gamma, see if you can buy me five minutes to grab some Pokémon.” Fortunately he’d managed to locate the necessary shelf, so he hurried back to his backpack to fetch the supplies he needed. Sonny quickly emptied the entire contents of the pack onto the ground; he’d need as much space for Pokéballs as possible. Two spare ropes, some electronic devices, a pair of bananas and a large block of clay soon formed a small pile on the ground, and Sonny immediately snatched up the clay and something that looked like a digital clock, thankful for the inherent stability of C4; he could practically shoot the stuff without causing it to detonate.

He rammed the clay against a nearby wall, which he knew led outside, and inserted the clock into it, programming it for a five minute countdown. Then he sped back in the direction of Bruno’s shelf, intent on loading as many Pokéballs from this and the surrounding shelves into his backpack as he could.

----​

Five minutes later an explosion reverberated throughout the Pokémon Centre, instantly alerting everyone to Sonny’s whereabouts. Sonny had been too intent on stealing Pokémon to keep an eye on the timer, and had suffered the consequences. All sounds were currently muffled, excluding a piercing ringing, because he’d failed to shield his ears from the pressure wave caused by the C4, but that didn’t matter; he didn’t need to be able to hear to escape. He exited the room through the gaping hole that he’d created, stumbling a bit as he picked his way across the wreckage; the minor damage to his ears had temporarily thrown off his balance.

Sonny knew that Kid would already be on the way to the helicopter that they’d parked in the woods nearby, so as long as he could outpace the police their escape was assured.

“Stop, in the name of the law!” Even though the sound was muffled, Sonny knew that the officer was conceivably close enough to catch him, especially if assisted by the correct Pokémon. He turned around and, sure enough, a figure wearing the familiar two-tone blue/light blue uniform of the local police was only a short distance behind him, accompanied by a floating black orb surrounded in purple gas.

There were three options available in this situation; fight, flight or surrender. Predictably he chose the first, grabbing a Pokéball at random from his bag and hurling the red and white sphere forward to release its occupant. Expecting to see something big and impressive, Sonny was understandably disappointed when the Pokémon emerged was only about two and a half feet tall, and resembled a light brown sloth with darker brown stripes across its back. Nanoseconds later his disappointment ratcheted up several notches as he actually registered what the Pokémon was, a Slakoth; widely regarded as one of the laziest and most useless Pokémon in existence.

Seizing the opportunity that this presented for him, the officer leapt into action. “Gastly use Mean Look on the thief.” The black orb spun around to show its face, the eyes glowing with a menacing purple light.

Sonny gulped as he heard a series of mechanical clicks emitting from his bag; the attack had forced the Pokéballs to seal shut, condemning him to rely on Slakoth. This was a very bad situation to be in, because not only did Slakoth rarely agree to attack, but it only naturally possessed one damaging attack that would work against Gastly. However the officer wasn’t the only person capable of locking their opponent into something useless. “Slakoth use Encore.”

The sloth Pokémon slowly turned around to face Sonny, turning its head slightly sideways as it sized him up. It then lazily faced back towards the Gastly and launched itself towards the ghost with a remarkable burst of speed. Unfortunately it was all for nothing, as the Scratch attack that Slakoth had decided to use was completely ineffective; his claws just slid through the gasses that surrounded Gastly, leaving it unscathed.

“I’m not surprised it doesn’t trust you enough to do what you say,” the officer taunted. “Gastly hit it with Hypnosis, there’s no point in harming the stolen Pokémon.”

The Ghost Pokémon looked down towards Slakoth and prepared to put it to sleep, but was suddenly distracted. Two beams of black energy, coming from above, had struck it right between the eyes, causing it the float backwards and cry in pain.

The familiar thrum of a helicopter indicated to Sonny where the Nightshade attack had come from. He craned his neck upwards to see their transport floating just above and behind him, the passenger-side door open to allow a small green spider to lend support. The spider was positioned on the backrest of the passenger seat, its six yellow and black striped legs adhering to the leather surface, facing towards Sonny and clicking his pink mandibles eagerly as the last vestiges of his Nightshade attack’s energies dissipated from the tiny white horn on his head.

Looking past the Spinarak Sonny was able to clearly see his partner in crime. He hadn’t seen her since they’d begun this mission, and was quite surprised that for her role she’d adopted her ‘cute air-headed’ trainer persona and outfit; Kid often noted this as her least favourite of her regular disguises. She’d adapted it from an old animé character, wearing a short-skirted school uniform known as a ‘sailor suit,’ with her hair dyed light brown and tied it into a pair of buns, each of which had a pigtail streaming from it. Sonny never ceased to be amazed at how a quick change of costume and personality could make her appear so much younger than she was.

Sonny was shaken from his contemplation by Kid’s voice crackling over his earpiece, already returned to her normal serious but bubbly manner. “It looked like you could use a helping hand, buddy. Parker hit that thing with Psychic.”

The Spinarak eagerly leapt to work, the small horn on his head briefly glowing blue before emitting a bolt of psychic energy.

“Gastly counter it with Shadow Ball.”

A larger ball of purple energy shot out of Gastly’s mouth, impacting the Psychic in mid-air and entirely dissipating it before continuing through to strike Parker. The attack had depleted a lot of energy on the way, but was nonetheless quite painful for the spider.

“Follow up with a Dark Pulse,” the police officer cried.

“Quickly Parker use Sucker Punch,” Kid ordered.

The plucky little Spinarak dived out of the helicopter and fired a length of silk at the ground behind Gastly. It used this to pull itself towards him at breakneck speed, leaving a glowing trail of black energy behind him.

As Parker made what was obviously a painful strike, Sonny saw his chance to end the battle. Hoping that Slakoth would listen to him, and that it was rested enough to make another attack, he yelled an order as he jumped up and grabbed the landing struts of the helicopter. “Slakoth hit Gastly with Faint Attack.”

Before the ghost had fully recovered from Parker’s attack, Slakoth suddenly leapt towards Gastly’s right-hand side. Gastly turned to intercept the attack, but Slakoth buried one claw in the ground, using it as a pivot point to spin and strike Gastly in the side.

The two thieves decided to take the chance that they were essentially free, and returned their Pokémon. Kid then increased the power to the rotors and begun to rise, whilst Sonny rammed Slakoth’s Pokéball back into his bag and continued to climb up from the strut into the cab.
Not wanting to give up this easily, the officer gave Gastly one final command before it collapsed from exhaustion, “Fire off a Dark Pulse.”

A beam of black and purple circles fired in their direction, forcing Kid to swing the helicopter wildly in a bid to evade the attack. She was nearly successful in her attempt but the beam grazed its intended target, shredding the back of Sonny’s backpack.

“No,” he yelled as his fairly stolen prizes spilt out, falling back to earth. He risked falling from the strut by reaching out to try and rescue any of the Pokéballs, succeeding in grabbing only a single capsule.

----​

Several days later both Sonny and Kid stood before the leader of their organisation, much subdued compared to their usual air of confidence. The lavishly decorated office that they normally found so inviting now seemed as unpalatable as a prison cell; the orange suited man behind the desk now held an aspect of terror for them.

“So you failed, and I’d come to expect so much more from the pair of you,” Giovanni said, stroking the large white puma that sat next to him; his Persian almost seemed like it was ready to pounce on them. Somehow the disappointment in Giovanni’s voice cut through the pair of them, hurting almost as much as the punishment that they were anticipating.

“With respect sir, we did manage to retain this one Pokéball,” Sonny meekly declared, holding their only loot out as a peace offering.

“So what have we here,” Giovanni asked, taking the proffered ball and placing it in a specially designed slot in the computer that sat on his desk. The computer instantly begun to interface with the Pokéball’s internal computer, downloading all the information stored on it. As the details slowly begun to appear on the screen, Sonny and Kid desperately hoped that they’d managed to capture something worthwhile.



Capture Info: Basically the Grader’s decision on Slakoth will determine what Pokemon was retained. If the capture is a failure, then they managed to keep a powerful Pokemon and Giovanni grudgingly congratulates them for their efforts. If the capture is successful, then Sonny managed to grab Slakoth’s Pokéball and Giovanni throws it back to him in disgust, casting the pair of them out of his office.
This story was originally just for Slakoth, but after I realised how long it had become I decided to try and tag the capture of a Spinarak in as well. If only one capture is successful I would prefer it to be Slakoth (they feature about as much as each other), but rest assured I will work on it to get Spinarak as well if needs be.

 

claimed

 

Intro:
My first impressions of the story on a whole.

Very nicely paced and well described story. I didn't have any trouble just picking it up and reading straight through it. My only concern right out that gate is the extra things at the end. You shouldn't have to rely on what a Grader has to say to determine what happens next. It's your story, so only you should have say on what happens next.


Plot/Reality:
What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

The plot sucked me into the story. It had a good pacing, starting with a tense event, leading to a resolution of said event, leading to a bigger event. There were two snags though:

In the beginning, you switch from the present to the past without any sort of indication to the reader. You talk about how "he couldn't afford to drop from that height", and then the next line is him "manhandl[ing] the rope into his backpack. Some sort of break, like a symbol or a line, would show the reader that there is a switch in the storytelling.

The last thing was during the escape: it seemed odd that there was only one officer that fought them. It seemed like there was enough time for at least one other officer to catch up with the officer (though the officer didn't call in his location, but again, there was a huge explosion so...). Also, it didn't seem like Sonny could return the Slakoth due to Mean Look still being in effect.

Details:
What kind of picture did you paint with your words

Sonny was a good source to bounce details with. He was very intelligent and processed many possibilities that the reader could imagine along with him. The battling was well versed in the description of the attack and the reactions of the Pokemon getting hit. One problem I had here was when you described Sonny's hair. It was Ivory, yet he could blend into crowds? Ivory is mostly associated with the color white, so unless there are many people in this Pokemon Universe that have white hair, he would stand out in a crowd.

Grammar:
What you're high school english teacher would point out.

You have a few list issues. For example:

To end the list, it should be "and even."

Another thing I need to bring up is how you use commas in lists. There are two ways: have a comma before the "and", and not having said comma. Either way is considered correct, but you should be consistent throughout the entire story.

Also with commas, you need to watch which sentences are compound and which aren't.

While the might have many characters between them, Sonny is the subject to "carefully climbed down" so no comma.

Another example (there are more but this one you might miss)

Since he was "hoping that slakoth would listen" and "hoping that it was rested enough to make another attack," there isn't a comma needed.

Other than comma issues, you've only had a few more mistakes:

The move is two words: Night Shade

he had lowered

Since the "officer gave one final command," there is already a subject, verb and object in the sentence. Therefore, the comma should be a colon. The comma would be used if there wasn't an object to the verb, and only if the verb was a verb similar to "said."

For gerunds (phrases that act as adjectives, so like "ing"s mostly) it is not absolutely necessary to have commas after it in the beginning, except in cases like this. It might confuse the reader if two nouns that aren't really related are next to each other with out the comma.


Length:
The length of time it felt like to read this story.

It was a nice read; however, since there are multiple captures intended, I need to address the relative involvement of each. Slakoth was an integral part of plot in these senses: it offered a point of tension with the battle and the character, it leads to possible future tension, and it was the initial (albeit not intended) reason for the plot to start, i.e. they were trying to steal Pokemon. The Spinarak: escape plan, slight connection to the beginning (the Pokemon Sonny was referring to whilst upside down). Since both are simple Pokemon, I feel like they were both represented enough to be considered for this section. Congrats!

Personal Feelings:
Really? I have these?

Again, you should be the master of your own story. Even if you the result is a capture of the Slakoth, you could go either way. Besides this obvious fact, I would be interesting to see more of these two interacting.

Conclusion:
One Liner Wrap Ups

Plot/Reality: Time is an Illusion, but try to keep it understandable
Details: I would stick out in a crowd with Ivory hair, because people here are lame
Grammar: Commas are the big issue here, whilst being one of the few
Length: Simple and Clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight

Verdict:

Spoiler

Slakoth?

Spinarak?

Spoiler

Sonny stole a Slakoth, and Big G isn't too happy!
Spinarak consoles with its big furry legs! Creppy!



I'd like to see the wackiness that ensues for the future of Sonny and Kid! Just watch your comma use in the future!

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Thanks for the grading Soro, I'll try and keep your advice in mind for future stories. Actually I wasn't originally planning on doing anything further stories with these two, but in light of your positive reception I just might . Also I really need to do some more battling - this brings me up to 10 NFEs