A Watch Enveoped With Cotton

My second story on the URPG. It took me all day, but I'm finished!

Target: Gothita
Rank: Medium (10k - 20k)
Characters: 11,522
Here it is. Get your popcorn ready folks! I hope you enjoy the story.

Spoiler

If I can recall correctly, it was a dark and stormy night. Shich, Aaron, and I were on our trip toward Mahogany Town in the Johto region, planning to fight the city’s gym leader: Pryce. Our first obstacle toward there was this long a twisted path filled during the day with trainers. Shich, my Blaziken, fought hard as he can against these young trainers, but in fact they were sending Pokémon like Machamp and Metagross, Pokémon you wouldn’t expect a little 10 year old to own. Aaron, my Aggron, was doing the usual: standing still and taking punches, just like I taught it; letting the other Pokémon wear itself out.

Before my entrance to this route I had recently caught a Heracross, which I named Ted. It was a brave and courageous one who took on my Pokémon. Surprisingly it knocked out Shich, Aaron, and Martha, my Gyarados. My Dustox, Sally, was the one left and did a great job using its Psychic and Poison moves to help succumb the Heracross to my Pokeball.

The second obstacle was Mt. Mortar. By the looks of it was very similar to Mt. moon in Kanto, with caves and reservoirs inside. However, Mt. Mortar had an eerier look; maybe because it was night by the time I reached there. I wanted to camp outside and sleep there, so at dawn the sun’s light will help through the twisted caves. However, a lighting storm was being brewed all day long and unleashed its wrath at around 10:00 PM. Shich, Aaron, and I ran into the cave for shelter.

It was able to create a torch, with help from Shich, which will guide us through the cave. It popped into my mind that going through this cave will take all day tomorrow; so why not do it at night, so in the morning the gym will be open and ready for my Pokémon. The torch only merely worked. It was able to bring light to the three of us, but create a dark barrier around us. Even the torch couldn’t shine through that thick darkness.

The problem with not seeing anything pass 10 feet, is that, you can quickly fall into a crevice if you’re not looking at the ground all the time, and you can bump your head if you’re not looking at the ceiling all the time. The three of us tried hard not to fall into a deep crack and kill ourselves.

In our venture through the mountain, we’ve seen tons of reservoirs and crystal-clear lakes. We usually stop for a drink and a small snack of berries, then continue on. A common Zubat will fly overhead, but will be frightened by the heat of the fire, since the Zubat cannot see. It was a very pleasant journey, for the most part, but around midnight, things began to change. The dark shield around, as eerie as it already was, felt as if something or someone lurking in it. We could fell the presence of another living being; all of the nocturnal Zubat, Golbat, and Crobat had left for their midnight lunch, so the cave was empty, or was it?

It was already 1:00 AM, and still I can fell the presence of it. Is it following us? Is it only my imagination? I commanded Shich and Aaron to walk slightly faster to keep up with me. This way I can truly know if something was behind us. Curiosity killed a cat, but I am not a cat. I must know was if something following us. Suddenly we heard a small rock fall behind, it scared the hell out of me. It was simply a rock falling from the cave’s wall. We continue to walk hastily. After 20 minutes, we got so exhausted we stopped for a break at a stream.

As you may have guessed, we were munching on berries. I send out Martha, Sally, and Ted; and gave all of them an Oran Berry for a snack. Ted was daring as usual and must have sensed something in the darkness. He chased after it. We heard pebbles shake on the ground, from Ted running over them. Ted has been with me for only three days, and distrusted me still; so it ran without listening my command to come back.

So the obvious thing to do was go chase after Ted. I returned Martha and Sally back to their Pokeball. I also returned Aaron; Aaron exhausted from running, couldn’t handle another wild goose chase. Shich and I chased after Ted, in the direction we thought he went. 40 minutes past without any hope or sign of Ted. We slow down and continued on walking. “Maybe we’ll find him?” I said to Shich who was bored of peering into the darkness.

I began to hear to low, quick, dull sound. How to describe it? I didn’t know what it was at the time, but it made the same sound much like a watch enveloped with cotton makes. Oh, if only I could put my finger on it. It was so familiar. “Do you hear that too Shich?” I questioned. “Blaze,” answered Shich; he means yes. So it wasn’t my imagination at all, since Shich heard it too.

It took a long time and a lot of walking to figure out what it was: a heart. A heartbeat. The bum-bum that I hear. It continued on. I thought it was my own, but in fact it was someone’s or something’s own. The heartbeat quickened. It was now a bum-bum bum-bum bum-bum. It began being annoying. I checked Shich’s and my own heartbeat to see if it was ours, but no. Shich was as calm and bored as can be. So it had to be something else.

It was almost 4:00 AM, with the beat still continuing on. I thought that it must have been water dripping to last this long. It made my ears ring and ache. After a while it began hurt, and hurt more! What agony I had! I was pounding my fist into the rocky earth to succumb the pain! OH WHAT PAIN! Even covering my ears didn’t work. What could have been this notorious sound? I thought the sound must perish anyway possible. I screamed, I swore, I raved into the darkness. Shich moved back to give me space. “What could it be?!?” I yelled on the top of my lungs. Trying to block the sound, I was crouched on the floor. You may think I was overreacting. But this sound was loud, like a slow-motion jackhammer. Ever beat was more agonizing than the last. It sounded like a jet taking off with me right next to it. Then it stop suddenly.

I raise my head in disbelief of the sound perishing, and out of the shadows came out a small pink Pokémon. It was unfamiliar, indeed it was. I took out my Pokedex and revealed the Pokémon to the Pokedex’s camera. “Gothita- The Fixation Pokémon. Gothita has been known having staring at object continuously. Some think it is seeing something only Gothita can see.” Said the Pokedex with a robotic male voice. It was the Gothita's heartbeat all along. It has been the one in the dark.

The Gothita then used Psychic on Shich and drove Shich to cave wall. A battle has begun. “Shich use Focus Energy!” I commanded. Shich then glowed in red. “Now use Flamethrower!” I said. Shich shot out a pillar of flame that lighted up the room. Gothita then used Teleport and teleported somewhere. The Flamethrower then hit a wall and turned on a chain or torches lined all around the perimeter of the room. It was revealed that we were in a mineshaft with a stream to our left. Gothita was revealed standing on a wooden beam from above. It then used Psywave and hit Shich before I could command it to dodge it.

Shich got back up from the rumble and I commanded it to use Flamethrower. Gothita was hit by it and Shich end up burning the beam. The beam fell and now Shich and Gothita were operated with it in the middle. Gothita used Psychic and brought water from the stream to cool the fire. “Now, High Jump Kick!” I commanded; Shich then scores a direct hit on Gothita, where Gothita was blown back. It Teleported back to its original spot. “Gothita!” cried the Gothita. Gothita was blind with rage, and you can tell from its expression. It then use Hidden Power, which hit Shich. Shich had trouble getting back up, with the pain from the blow. “Shich use Fire Spin!” I yelled. Shich shot out a circle of flames that trapped Gothita in its ring. “Now use Ring of Fire!” I yelled; Ring of fire was a made up technique I taught Shich in our adventures through Hoenn. The circle of flames enclosed and hit Gothita. The main point of Ring of Fire is to completely trap the opponent by directing the fire being shot out towards them. The fire spinning around already is attracted towards the new fire and hits the opponent.

Gothita, almost burnt to a crisp, uses Rest and falls asleep. It then eats a un familiar berry and wakes up. All our work for nothing. It uses Psyshock and hits Shich. Shich being really hurt goes back in its Pokeball by itself. I send out Aaron to join the fight.

“Aggron!” cries Aaron when he sees he’s now in a battle. “Aggron use Iron Defense!” I ordered. Aggron shines in a blue glow. “Now use Metal Sound” I directed. Aggron shrieks outa high pitch noise which makes Gothita shine with a green glow. Gothita then uses Psywave which does minimal damage to Aaron. “Now use Rock Tomb” I commanded Aaron. He using rocks from the ceiling and piles them on Gothita. Gothita then does the unbelievable: it uses Psychic on the rocks and throws them on Aaron! Aaron fall into the stream and comes back to its Pokeball. I was about to send out Martha, until I heard something.

“Heracross!” cried out Ted running towards me with something in his hand. When he reached me he showed me what it was: a Heracronite. I looked through my bag and got my Mega Ring. The Mega Ring was a gift from a professor called Prof. Noels. He gave the ring when he saw my team (Shich was a Combusken, Aaron was a Lairon, and Martha was a Magikarp). He said I’ll find more use for it later in life. I didn’t understand what he meant until later I found out that Blaziken, Aggron, and Gyarados can Mega Evolve. However I have never found one of their Mega Stones until now I have Ted and he got a Heracronite. “You want to battle Ted?” I asked. “Heracross,” said Ted meaning yes. “Ok!” my heart was racing to finally see Mega Evolution, “Ted! Mega Evolve!” Ted entered a purple aura and spun around in a white shell. He came exploding out with his Mega Evolved form. Ted now had a long blue horn with a tiny with in front of it and red in the center of his head. He was able to retract and expand these wing-like part of his wrists. He now has spiked up body armor on his stomach and long antennae.

Gothita was intimidated by Mega Heracross’ form. It used to Fake Tears. Ted then was consoling the crying Gothita, until Gothita used Psyshock. Ted was seeing red and went ahead and used Mega Horn. Gothita blown back by the super effective move. Heracross then Night Slash and blow Gothita to the wall. Gothita then used Teleport and teleport on Ted’s horn. Ted tried using Mega Horn on the wall to hurt the Gothita, but the Gothita Teleported and made Ted hurt himself for no reason. Ted even angrier used Arm Thrust on Gothita and made a perfect 5 hit streak. Mega Heracross is more coordinated and accurate than its regular form. I decided this battle needed to have me in it too. “Ted use Pin Missile!” I commanded. Ted then once again made another 5 hit streak.

Gothita was very hurt now and could not bear to get up. From what I saw, Gothita was one of the finest Pokémon I have ever seen battle. So good that some will suspect a Trainer is commanding it. And also it took down strong Pokémon like Shich and Aaron, and possibly Martha and Sally if I had sent them.

I grab a Great Ball from my bag. I know what to do now. “Go Great Ball!” I yelled. The Great Ball hits Gothita. Gothita turns into a mass of red light and enters the Great Ball. The Great Ball shakes on the ground. Meanwhile, Ted goes back to normal and enters its Pokeball. The Ball is still shaking of the cave floor. Light enters though a crack in the wall. It is now dawn. It created a single ray of light that shines on the Great Ball while it’s shaking on the ground. The Ball creates a familiar sound while trembling. It makes a low, quick, dull sound. Much like a watch makes when enveloped with cotton.

 

Claiming.

 

Introduction: You start the story with a cliché, that’s usually a bad sign. If you want, or need the story to begin in a dark night where it’s raining, you can – and should – say it on other way, unless you’re making fun of clichés. Now, secondly, you say there was a long and twisting path to get to Mahogany but it’s pretty much a straight line to the side of Ecruteak with a lake on the middle (which is easily surfable).

You mentioned the sun’s light would help to traverse the cave, but it doesn’t really penetrate throughout the darkness enough to help you travel (there wouldn’t be enough angle and/or length) to allow a difference to be made by the light’s ray.

Mount Mortar is an optional area, there’s a lake which your Gyarados could have easily surfed across; I get that you might want to have some creative license on the matter but what you’re describing just isn’t compliant to the game canon (or even the anime canon, I think).

You mention not seeing past ten feets as being a big handicap, but that’s not really one? It’s about 4 times the length of an average human step and about the size of one story, so if you can see 10 feet in any direction as long as you aren’t completely careless you should be able to traverse without too much trouble.

Build-up: Watches don’t make any sound and if they do, it’s just a small ticking noise , so a watch enveloped with cotton doesn’t make any sound since I doubt the ticking would be able to pass through the cotton at a high enough volume. You’re probably thinking of a grandfather clock, or some other type of striking clock; remember, watches go on your wrist or your pocket, so they’re small and unobtrusive.

Moving on from that, you ask Nubchicken if he hears the sound too, to which he merely replies “Blaze” (with no accompanying gestures) and the character takes that as a yes. Either you missed a gesture, a nod or something of the like, or the trainer can speak Pokemon language. I’d suggest looking into it.

At almost 4:00 AM his legs must be aching even more than his ears, since he started walking before midnight, unless the snack breaks are hours long the legs must be killing him and I wouldn’t say Blaziken would be too happy either.

Battle: You listed attacks. That’s it. Until you sent a Great Ball to capture a Pokemon, which ends the story in a very clichéd manner, and ends the story with a title drop that doesn’t really make much sense.

Now, you should never do a battle that’s just listing attacks. That’s boring; it works on battling because you’re the one making the strategical decisions, now, there’s no problem with listing the attacks if you describe what happens after the attacks (think of the trainers shouting out the attacks). So for example, simply saying “Blaziken used Flamethrower but Gothita used teleport to get away and replied with Psychic” isn’t really okay, but “Blaziken let forth a large stream of fire toward the small Pokemon, who foreseeing the attack glowed in a pink light and vanished out and in of existence for a moment. She then collected a large amount of rocks with her psychic abilities to throw at Blaziken.” is better; that excerpt I wrote isn’t really that good to be honest and many here could write better but it’s just to give you an idea of how it works.

The point I’m trying to make here is that while you can see an epic battle going on on your mind when people say that sequence of attacks, we – the readers – can’t. We need you to describe it to us. If you have any doubt on how to convey a certain attack you can ask another member, or check the battle animation or see how they done it in the anime or the manga (Bulbapedia has all the last three).

Grammar and Spelling: Now, while not necessarily a grammar or a spelling mistake, calling your Aggron “Aaron” isn’t really nice for a story as that’s bound to confuse people not that I can complain without being a hypocrite.

This sounds a little weird, maybe if was “the only one” instead of one or if we got rid of “the one” altogether or change the sentence structure a bit it’d be nice; but it just sounds weird. Also, nice work on using the semicolon correctly! It can be a bit of a pain to master (God knows I have problems with it) but you’re using it correctly.

First thing is, this sentence is a bit unclear, what was able to create the torch? One would assume the Blaziken but you specifically mention him later as a helper. Was that a typo for “I”?

Secondly, the tense on the second sentence is a bit iffy? You say it will take all day tomorrow, but you’re already going through it, so unless you’re going through it again tomorrow the tense is wrong, I think you meant would there?

Again, trouble with the tenses; if you say a Zubat will fly overhead, it means it’ll happen on the future and while the future has the same tense throughout it, it sounds more like a prophecy than a “sometimes bat flies around and get scared by the fire” thing. Using would instead of will, or changing it to the present would work.

“Reveal” implies somebody told you this, and the passive voice only helps that impression. An active “discover”, “found”, “see”, “realize”, etc. would make the sentence seem more natural on the sense that you discovered it by accident. Also, I was intrigued by the mineshaft there, and that could have led to a great plot – why is it there? Were there gems there? What drove people out of there? Instead we get a generic “Journey – Battle – Capture” story, which aren’t bad per se but should more often than not be avoided unless you’re doing something really special with it.

This isn’t a mistake per se, but considering there’s an ability called Intimidate this particular phrasing can be misleading and immersion breaking for a second – so people go “Wait, Mega Heracross doesn’t have Intimidate”. Using scared, cowed, mollified or words like this would fit in better with the theme.

Description: Practically non-existent. You just described what Mega-Heracross looked like :c

You should describe everything of importance and then some things that aren’t important to your reader. The area where you’re travelling, the character’s appearances, etc.. Unless, you’re not describing because of stylistical license (like H.P. Lovecraft did in his stories, he didn’t describe his characters to show how insignificant in the long term of things they were, any other person could be fit there – or so I’ve interpreted.) But usually, description is for the best, even more because it helps us avoid repetition.
Please try to describe more in the future, okay?

Length and Final Considerations: The length was what’s expected of a Medium story; but please remember we have that as a guideline – usually the amount of plot we want for a Medium story falls along that range but isn’t something set in stone. Don’t feel afraid to expand if you think it’ll help the story and don’t be afraid to shorten it if you feel it’ll help it.

Verdict: Since this is only your second story I’ll let you walk out with your Gothita, but please work on your description in future stories.

 

Build-up: Watches don’t make any sound and if they do, it’s just a small ticking noise , so a watch enveloped with cotton doesn’t make any sound since I doubt the ticking would be able to pass through the cotton at a high enough volume. You’re probably thinking of a grandfather clock, or some other type of striking clock; remember, watches go on your wrist or your pocket, so they’re small and unobtrusive.

The whole watch enveloped with cotton thing was a play on a famous line a in a story written by Edgar Allen Poe. I guess I can be more descriptive, if I really do try to be elaborate. The thick darkness was just simply use as an aid to lead the entire story, from the beginning to the end, the darkness was the set back, which simply just caused the conflict.

Gothita was intimidated by Mega Heracross’ form.

I see where your getting at. I never really meant to show the ability Intimidate. :XD: I use intimidate because it was more sophisticated than words like scared or mollified.

Secondly, the tense on the second sentence is a bit iffy? You say it will take all day tomorrow, but you’re already going through it, so unless you’re going through it again tomorrow the tense is wrong, I think you meant would there?

Another conflict in the story. Which simply the main character uses as an excuse to spend all night searching for Heracross.

Grammar and Spelling: Now, while not necessarily a grammar or a spelling mistake, calling your Aggron “Aaron” isn’t really nice for a story as that’s bound to confuse people not that I can complain without being a hypocrite.

If you didn't know that was my Aggron's nickname, which I would call it by that, as a pet name, to show some care for it.

I'm claiming my gothita, which I only wrote for the Secret Santa, which my story wasn't graded until the day after -_-. Maybe, I'll trade it for some fighting type. Maybe some sucker will actually trade with me.