A story to remember

Author: Slumboo/Synthesis. New username what can you expect?
Pokemon: Trying to get me a Poliwag
Status: Needs grading.
Length: about 10k
Estimated length: Simple 5-10k


The sun was lazily rising over the small, quiet Pallet Town. This town was home to many famous people and plays a central role in their lives. This is also the town where all beginning trainers receive their very first Pokemon.
Jay's eyes slowly opened as he took in his surroundings. He was in a cramped bedroom, that he recognised as his own. Slowly Jay slumped himself out of bed. He trudged down the stairs to get some breakfast. In the kitchen his mother was waiting for him.
"Good morning sunshine! I can't believe how big you are becoming. Going to challenge your first Gym today, well isn't that great. You know this really is a defining moment in your life."
"Yeah, yeah. I know mom. I better go get ready now."
"Good luck, honey. Oh and even if you don't succeed I will still love you."
Within an hour he had left his house and entered into the welcoming courtyard. By this stage the sun was beating down heavily and Jay began to quicken his pace. His Cleffa followed obediently, trying to keep up. Jay was heading towards Pewter City in search of getting his first Gym badge. He had travelled to Pewter only a few times before when he was younger.
Within several minutes he had reached the entrance to Viridian Forest, which was only a short walk from his house.
Jay had travelled many times through this forest. Jay recalled the first time he had entered the forest, how he had found it a large, intimidating place. Now he was more mature and found it to be quite a nice place. It was very peaceful and tranquil. As Jay walked into the Forest he saw a Forest Ranger that he recognised. He gave her a quick salute and continued on his excursions. He remembered the woman from his first entry into the forest. She had helped him find his Cleffa after it had run away on him when he was a very inexperienced trainer.
"Hey Cleffa, remember our first visit to the forest together?"
Cleffa looked up and began giggling. Cleffa was a very hyper and excitable Pokemon, like most Cleffa are, but that never stopped Jay enjoying her company.
In the forest there were very few trainers, mainly bug catchers. They all had Caterpie's and Weedle's and some even had rarer Pokemon such as Pikachu and Pidgey. The trainers appeared to be very inexperienced so Jay did not stop to challenge any of them. He would need the practise but surely there would be trainers in Brocks' Gym. Suddenly Jay saw the exit to the forest ahead and began striding towards it.
A figure emerged from the shadows ahead, blocking the way. As they drew closer they realised that it was Gary, another beginner trainer from Pallet Town.
"Hey Jay, I didn't think you were allowed this far away from home."
"Very mature Gary. Now are you going to move or will I have to force you too."
Gary threw a Pokeball onto the ground and an Eevee appeared from the red flash of the Pokeball.
"Alright then, get him Cleffa!"
Cleffa lunged forward at the Eevee ready to pound him with her small fists.
"How cute. Eevee Take Down!"
Now it was Eevees turn to dive at Cleffa. Eevee struck Cleffa and Cleffa was flung back. Eevee cringed in recoil. Cleffa started waving it's hands and some of the leaves on the forest floor rose into the air and flew towards Eevee. Eevee tried to dodge them, but the leaves were merciless and continuosly pummeled Eevee.
"Eevee, try another Take Down."
Eevee leapt out from the shroud of leaved that had envelloped him and lunged once more at Cleffa. This attack knocked Cleffa down and it looked as if Cleffa would be unable to stand up, but it continued. Even more leaves surrounded Eevee until it could no longer endure it and fainted.
"Get in the Pokeball you useless little-"
"You should really treat your Pokemon with some respect."
"Don't tell me what to do! Go Beedrill."
Gary chucked a yellow and black Pokeball onto the ground. A monstrous bee Pokemon emerged. Cleffa wasn't afraid in the slightest.
"Wow. When did you get one of those"
"As if I'd tell you."
"Cleffa Sweet Kiss!"
Cleffa gracefully hopped up towards the Beedrill and kissed it on the cheek. It looked dazed.
"Use Twineedle, Beedrill!"
Beedrill shot out two large stingers that pierced Cleffa and knocked her out clean.
"Oh no! Alright Caterpie, you can do this."
A golden Caterpie emerged from the Pokeball Jay had just threw from his belt.
"Are you serious?"
Gary began laughing at Jay and his Caterpie.
"Don't listen to him Caterpie. Use String shot!"
Caterpie shot some fine thread-like substance at Beedrill. It wrapped around Beedrill and Beedrill fell to the ground, unable to keep itself up because it's wings had become all sticky.
"Use Poison Sting Beedrill!"
Beedrill was still confused from when Cleffa had kissed him and he could not focuse on Caterpie. The Beedrill fell forward and crashed inti a tree.
"Finish him with Tackle, Caterpie!
Catepie dived at Beedrill. The unsuspecting Beedrill fainted upon being struck.
"My Pokemon! You'll pay for this!"
Gary ran past Jay scurrying towards the Pokemon Center.
Jay had reached Pewter City shortly after and healed his Pokemon. It was still early yet and the Gym wouldn't be opened for a few minutes. Jay began strolling around the town until he reached a small wooden picnic table. He sat down and sent out his two Pokemon.
"Don't worry guys I've got some food."
The Pokemon looked famished and starred at Jay's food bag. He pulled out some poffins and the Pokemon began wolfing it down.
There was a soft whimper from below. As Jay looked down he saw a Poliwag, looking up at his food.
"If you want some food I can giv-"
Jay stopped talking when he realised that the Poliwag had taker their food bag.
"Hey come back!"
Jay ran after the Poliwag, followed by his Pokemon. Suddenly the Poliwag came to a halt and faced Jay. It didn't look as if it would give Jay's food back, without a fight.
"Alright Cleffa, show him who's boss!"
Cleffa stood up against Poliwag, ready to take it's food bag.
"Cleffa Pound!"
Cleffa ran foward and struck Poliwag with it's clenched fists. Poliwag responded by blowing bubbles into Cleffa's face. Cleffa became distracted by the presence of the bubbles and began running after them.
"No Cleffa! Concentrate."
But it was too late the Poliwag's spirals on it's chest began swirling. The hypnotic pattern lulled Cleffa to sleep and within moments it was snoring loudly.
"Are you ready Caterpie?"
Caterpie jumped at Poliwag and knocked it off it's feet. Poliwag hopped back up and hurled a lump of mud at Caterpie. Caterpie's eyes became blocked by the mud and it tripped up over it's feet. Luckily Cleffa woke up at this moment, ready for round two.
"Cleffa, try and use Metronome."
The last time Cleffa used Metronome it had began flopping around uselessly. Jay was never the luckiest of people
Cleffa waggled it's fingers and suddenly a storm cloud appeared above. Lightning began jolting from the sky towards all of the Pokemon. It struck Poliwag. But the Thunder attack was not over yet. It was too powerful for Cleffa to control. It struck Caterpie, then Cleffa, but that was not the end. Thunder repeatedly shot down erratically from the storm cloud, hitting the pavement around them.
"Cleffa! What have you done?"
Many of the villagers had come out of their houses to watch in horror as the edge of the town was pummeled by bolts of lightening.
"What's going on here?"
Jay turned around it was Brock, the Gym Leader of Pewter City.
"Cubone absorb the lightning."
A Cubone appeared, at Brock's side, and all of the Lightning struck him. But he was not hurt in the slightest, thanks to his Ground typing. It appears as if his ability Lightning Rod ended the storm. The clouds parted and within a few seconds the sun was back blazing in the sky.
Jay had spent the next few minutes apologising to the angry locals as he waited for his Pokemon to be healed by nurse Joy.
She entered the room with Jay's Pokemon and the Poliwag. They looked very happy.
"Maybe we shouldn't try using your Metronome attack again for a while, Cleffa."
Cleffa nodded solemly. The Poliwag hopped from nurse Joy's hands and waddled out the door as if nothing had happened
Jay glanced down at the Poliwag, unsure of what to say.
"Maybe we should go and see if Brock wants a challenge. What do you think guys?"
The two Pokemon began jumping gleefully.
As they approached the Gym, Jay could feel the butterflies floating around in his stomach.
Jay took a deep breath then entered the Gym.
"I was expecting you to come sooner or later."
Suddenly lights flashed on all around and the Gym was lit up. It was very large and cavernous, almost like a cave.
"I'm guessing you are a Ground Gym leader?"
"Rock actually. Now are we going to stay here and talk all day or are you going to show ne how much you have trained your Pokemon?"
"Alright. Prepare to lose! C'mon out Caterpie."
Caterpie materialised out of it's Pokeball in front of Jay.
"So you think I have never seen one of those before? Go Geodude!"
"Tackle Caterpie!"
Caterpie lunged forward at the Geodude.
"Defense Curl!"
Geodude curled itself up into a ball. When the Caterpie struck it bounced off Geodude.
"My Geodude has rock hard defenses. Rock Throw!"
"Tackle again!"
Caterpie was hit by small rocks, that flung him forward. But Caterpie used the momentum to hit into Geodude. It was a critical hit!
"Geodude Rock Smash! Eat your Oran berry to recover some health!
"Perfect! Use Bug Bite Caterpie."
Caterpie snatched the Oran berry from Geodude and ate it. Geodude crept up and smashed Caterpie with it's fists. Caterpie fainted.
"Cleffa! C'mon out and use Magical Leaf!"
Cleffa threw Leaves at Geodude as if they were shurikens. Geodude had fainted upon being hit.
"You haven't seen anything yet. Come out Onix!"
A huge rock snake Pokemon appeared.
"Onix, Dig now!"
Onix burrowed it's way into the earth.
"Oh no! What will we do? I hate to say this but Cleffa...use Metronome."
Cleffa looked unsure, but it wiggled it's fingers and bounced high into the sky. Onix leapt out of the ground, but didn't see Cleffa anywhere.
"Onix, look u-"
"Cleffa Fall down onto him."
Cleffa soared down at a tremendous speed and struck into Onix. Onix was knocked out by the sheer power of this move.
"Come back Onix. Well played. You rely on a mixture of luck and skill. I will have to take that into account for my new strategy."
Brock walked over.
"Here is the Boulder Badge. You deserve it.
"Thanks."
Jay left the Gym ecstatic. He had just received his first badge.
"Poli. Poli."
It was the Poliwag from before.
"What is it? Are you trying to tell me something?"

 

Introduction:

The introduction could use a little polish. It starts off a tad slow, and eventually does introduce us to the main character, his mother, hometown, aspirations, and starter Pokémon. However, the way that it reads, that’s all it tries to do; while it’s important to describe those things, I would do so in a fashion that better grabs at the reader.

For instance, you talk briefly about the famous people that Pallet town has sent into the world; that gives us an idea of its influence by association, but tells us very little about the city itself. We know that it’s small, it’s quiet, and that it’s a main city for those who live there. Are the buildings scattered about, or close together? Is it so small that only one road runs through it? Is it nestled in some mountain foothills, surrounded by forest, bordering on the ocean? The setting around the town can help define those who live there.

(Side note – your first sentence, having both ‘the’ and ‘Pallet Town’ in the same sentence is a bit clunky; it seems more like there are several towns with the same name, and we’re simply looking at the small, quiet one. I would change it to either “the town of Pallet” or omit “the”, and just make it “over small, quiet Pallet Town.”)

The small details in the next paragraph help the character come alive: you describe his first moments after waking, shaking off the lethargy of dreams; his first acts in the morning, and introduce his mother; and we get a glimpse of the character’s goals, at least for the short term.

We then have a gap of most of an hour; then he actually sets off on his journey. What does he do for that hour? (Why does the house have a courtyard, but a cramped bedroom?) If he spends it getting ready, mention that; if eating breakfast, feel free to say something like, “The next half hour blurred by in a blueberry pancake haze.” It injects some levity into the story, which helps the read be more enjoyable – especially if you’re writing a darker, more serious story down the line.

Overall, it was an alright intro; it did set up the rest of the story, and introduced us to several of the characters we were going to be spending the next little while with.

Plot:

Trainer sets off to challenge a nearby Gym; meets (and defeats) a jerk rival, meets (and defeats) a small tadpole Pokémon, meets (and defeats) said Gym Leader, then again finds the Poliwag.

The battles seemed a little repetitive, though kudos for mixing up the attacks to offset that; in a world of civilized, encouraged and government-supported cockfighting, battles are going to make up a significant portion of a Trainer’s active life. The out-of-control Metronome was a nice touch, and the quick-thinking Gym Leader’s solution was inspired.

I really didn’t have much of a problem with the plot itself, overall. It was a departure from the norm of going searching through a forest for a Pokémon; the trainer didn’t even seem to think of catching the Poliwag until after he’d beaten the gym leader, so he isn’t of the standard “Gotta catch ‘em all” mentality.

Dialogue:

Minor problems with capitalization and punctuation in the dialogue; also, make sure that every time a paragraph has a new speaker, thinker, or main subject, you should bump it to another paragraph.

This could be broken up into several paragraphs for ease of following; for instance,

Spoiler

In the forest, there seemed to be very few trainers; most of them were bug catchers. Jay suspected they mostly trained Caterpie or Weedle, or perhaps a few rarer Pokémon such as Pikachu or Pidgey.

The other trainers appeared to be very inexperienced, so Jay didn’t stop to challenge any of them. He supposed that he needed the practice, but surely there would be other trainers in Brock’s Gym.

Suddenly, Jay saw the exit to the forest ahead and began striding towards it. A figure emerged from the shadows ahead, blocking his way forward. As they drew closer together, he realized that it was Gary, another trainer who had just set off from Pallet Town.

It should probably have been at least two paragraphs, because in the beginning you were describing the surroundings, while in the latter half you were then advancing the story by introducing an encounter with his rival.

As to punctuation:

When you’re writing longer strains of dialogue, try saying them out loud to yourself; any time you pause might be a good place for a comma. The previous sentence would then become:

“Very mature, Gary. Now, are you going to move, or will I have to force you to?”

Also make sure you’re using punctuation at the end of a dialogue sentence, as well.

“"Wow. When did you get one of those"” should have a question mark at the end. Really, though, some just seem like simple typos.

Your dialogue, in general, seems to shed quite a bit of light on the people speaking; however, I would start including more non-verbal dialogue. This lets the reader in on the feelings of the people in question. Describe Gary’s sneer when he asks Jay if he’s allowed out, or angry scowl as he returns the defeated Eevee to its Pokéball; Jay’s pride in congratulating the Pokémon who just defeated a Gym Leader; or the Nurse Joy’s concern over the injured Pokémon.

It may also help delineate who is speaking if you put “Jay said” or something to that effect after at least some of the dialogue.

Grammar:

I noticed a few instances of using the wrong to/two/too; a quick rule of thumb is that if you can replace it with ‘as well’, use too; otherwise, unless it’s a number, go with to.

I also had minor quibbles with the lack of commas in some places. In a similar fashion to dialogue, when it comes to sentence flow, try reading the whole thing out loud and seeing if a comma would belong in your pauses.

There were also a couple other typos; “the shroud of leaved that had envelloped him”. Should be leaves, and depending on your country, likely should be enveloped. “Beedrill fell forward and crashed inti a tree.” I assume here you meant into. “blocked by the mud and it tripped up over it's feet.” In this sentence, you don’t need the word up, nor do you need the apostrophe in its; you only put the apostrophe when you are specifically contracting it and is/was, not when it indicates the possessive form of the word. It’s the only one like that I know of, and gets a bit confusing at times.

They’re mostly fairly minor, though; I’m a bit hesitant to suggest this, because I’m not certain we are supposed to do so, but I think having someone do a quick proofread before you submit it could be helpful; whether a friend IRL, or one of us here on the forum. Having someone else look through it can help you spot errors you didn’t realize you’d made, even with several readings of it. I know that sort of thing happens to me at times, as well.

Detail

This is another area where you could use some more fleshing out in the story. You include descriptive adjectives that help us visualize, but a lot of things seem to rely on us having prior experience. There’s very little description of the Pokémon in the story, unless they’re using body parts in attacks, such as Poliwag’s swirl, or Caterpie’s feet. If your Caterpie is healthy, describe its vibrant green shell; mention the abused Beedril’s scarred thorax, or the chips in Brock’s Onix.

The same with the cities and forest; (isn’t Viridian City between Pallet and Pewter?) though you describe their looks somewhat, we don’t really get the feel of the cities atmospheres. Are the Pewter buildings made of stone? How do the residents greet passers-by? Is the nurse at the Pokémon Center a cheerful Joy, or a subdued one?

Same goes for the other characters. We don’t know what Gary, or even Jay are wearing; nor do we know what it is about the wandering Trainers appearance that cues Jay to their being inexperienced. Are they jumping at shadows, catching each other in bug nets, walking around with open backpacks spilling their antidotes?

There was no problem with the length of the story, but I think some more detail would have done it good. Anything that helps us not only visualize the characters and locales, but get the feel and mood of the story, is a help to the reader.

Length

Your story is 10,546 characters; Poliwag, as a Simple mon, needs 5-10k, so you’ve definitely got the length you need.

Reality

As I mentioned, your story seems to skip right over Viridian City, and it’s not clear if this is intentional; if it is, I would at least mention that he was skirting its edges for a reason, or if the path he was on didn’t go near the city.

You also defeated a Gym Leader with just a Cleffa and a Caterpie; luck definitely seems to have played a part in that win. Nice touch having Brock mention that fact so it didn’t seem too jarring. According to Stargate, in the Biz that’s called “hanging a lantern” and is perfectly acceptable.

Catching/Battle

Several moves were used; one of them got a little out of control, but you did a good job describing how the Pokémon used the moves they were using. You also left it open-ended as to whether the Poliwag would join you, rather than saying it was caught. There’s not an easy way to leave it hanging like that if he’d encountered it prior to the Gym match, so kudos on your solution.

Outcome

Spoiler

Poliwag Captured!

I thought the story was fun. It did, however, have areas for improvement, as I’d tried to mention at various points; make sure you’re watching your punctuation in the future. Had you been going for a harder Pokémon, it likely wouldn’t have been successful.

Also, in keeping with Galleon’s directions and raging, please make sure to double space between paragraphs. For stories like this one, where there was a fair amount of dialogue, since it needs to be separate paragraphs it can make things look a bit sparse; it does, however, improve the ease of reading, and makes it significantly easier to tell where one paragraph starts and ends.

I look forward to reading future stories, and enjoy your Poliwag.

And sorry it took me so long to get this up for you; there was a power outage at the complex I was typing this up at, which meant the interwebs were dead for a while.