A Spire Apart! (NWC)[Ready to Grade]

I figured since everyone else was doing it, I might as well have a crack. Note to self: Remember that finishing stories a good week before deadline is futile if you post after said deadline. Regardless, here be me newbie story, clocking in at circa 9.7k characters, including spaces, suffice for the Shellos the story seeks the capture of.

A Spire Apart!​

‘Geographical positions can have a rather interesting effect on some species of Pokémon. Starly that have grown in the northern regions would have larger feathers than their tropical counterparts, to conserve more body heat, while a Magnemite trio living in an iron mine may spontaneously evolve into a Magnezone, compared to a trio in a plain which would become a Magneton group. The greatest example of a geographical effect, however, would be pronounced in the status of the Shellos family, where the very salt water concentration alters the colourisation of the species. Generally, those residing in a higher salinity environment are of~’

The excerpt afterwards was a mess of ink as the puddle it lay in slowly rendered the parchment too damp for use without destroying it, and much too useless for the Rattata sniffing curiously at it to gnaw on to effect. Turning, the curious rodent dipped its head towards the murky puddle, stained with the ink and mud into a vile solution, and after a moment’s thought, licked the water, not out of curiosity but of desperation. It had been several weeks since the stampede of a herd of Tauros had sent the secluded farm into the realm of ruin, and the local Pokémon population had thinned out as a result of the surrounding food sources running dry; Only the Rattata and a couple of other Pokémon who were hardier remained at the ruins, feeding off whatever scraps they could find.

The purple mouse snuffled around, another basic day, yet there was the odd feeling that something was off around it. Perhaps something had died of starvation, or had a terminal accident that led to the scavengers having the equivalent of a banquet. The air seemed tainted with something alien, something new and unusual. Proverbially, curiosity stamped hard on the head of the mouse. Breaking into a leisurely jog, the rat scampered towards the source of this new scent, mentally hoping it was something edible, or preferably thirst-quenching.

So ironic it was that as soon as it poked its head through some bushes that a jet of water sprayed it in the face, much like a balloon exploding, startling the creature and refreshing it at once. Growling in anger, it shook itself dry and took precaution this time, peeking through the bushes at the sight before it. In the centre of a small pond, two monsters bickered over rights to a small berry plant. To the creatures, it was nothing more than a small food source, the multitude of bloodlike cluster fruit alike to a simple dietary measure. To the hungry Rattata, however, it was a blessing by the great rat in the sky, a beacon of hope to the sleek mouse. There was only the matter of the two creatures to deal with.

From its vantage point, the mouse could make out the general shape of the creatures. Both were effectively blobs with blob-like heads, but the difference between them was colour. While one blob was pink in skin and sported an odd lumpy crown and humps, the other was an aquamarine shade with wavy extensions on its back and a pair of funny wing-like ears, and below each one the pond seemed to be growing as their bodies appeared to exude the liquid like sweat to a wrestler.

“LOS!”

“SHELL!”

Instantly, the blue creature, the one known as Los to the spectator, inhaled before spitting forth a jet of water, the pink Shell countering with a shimmering coat over its skin, seemingly strengthening the hide of the creature and at the same time rendering it more streamlined to stand against the flow of water. In spite of this, Shell was showing signs of wear and as the stream subsided, it gave a gasp as the shimmer gave way, the mysterious slug shaking excess water from itself. Los, however, wasn’t letting up, making a sudden burst of speed as it rammed the pink one in a full-on tackle, both parties landing in the waters.

Part of him wanted to intervene and stop the fighting, while another part told him to screw them and nick the berries from the promised shrub, yet the Rattata stood by, watching the battle before it, not of fear, but of excitement, and without being noticed.

Giving a squeal of rage, Shell shook itself before hocking up a small missile of brown, striking Los in the face as the bomblet exploded into a murky mess of mud, some of it apparently entering the blue slug’s eyes as it tried in vain to shake the dirt out, giving the pink one plenty of time to prepare its next action, a small orb of aqua lifting from the puddle and glowing with mystical energy before being launched into Los, smacking it down to a wail of pain, the slug trembling from the attack from nowhere as it flailed on the spot, striking its face off a small rock to the pink Pokémon’s pleasure. Squinting through the facial pack, having heard the chuckling, the blue one gave a roar of anger before charging once more, and with a surprising leap slammed full force into the shocked pink one, eliciting a small hiss of empathic pain from the spectator that went unheard.

Shifting back, it was clear that both parties were faring adequately against each other, the blue creature seeming to rely more on physical prowess than the pink slug’s special powers, and both parties were conflicting with each other, oblivious to anything except themselves. The growl of the rat’s stomach overcame the urge to watch, and with primal ferocity the Rattata burst through the undergrowth, towards the tree.

Before promptly skidding on the slime left by the two slugs and thumping into the tree, causing a few of the soft berries to drop off and splat to the ground around him. Dazed, the mouse shook his head and held a small paw to it, the unexpected slipperiness of the water having thrown him for a loop as he leaned towards it, rearing back with a small squeak of disgust as he realised it was rather foul for a liquid, and turning to the tree and berries.

Of the fallen berries, one was certainly an odd shape, being much larger than the others and possessing a great golden fur around it, the blue fruit itself huffing into the face of the mouse and possessing legs, with a sort of static air around it. It was only a matter of a second before the mouse gave a terrified scream that diverted the attention of the slugs from each other to the beast that stood by their bush, sneering at the violet mass quivering before it, and the unnoticed creature standing at the sidelines, taller than their bush.

“Ignore the mouse and focus on the Shellos, Manectric.”

A lightning fast sweep of a paw sending the Rattata into one of the berries with a cheerful yet stinging squeak and the Manectric was on them like a flea to a dog. Paralysed by uncertainty, the bickering slugs were hastily knocked apart by the charging canine which continued its path before stumbling clumsily over a rock due to the slime around it, yelping as a pair of watery bombs burst over its hind quarters with extreme prejudice. The mouse they could deal with, but for a wolf to threaten them was enough as both Los and Shell glared at the mutt, which promptly turned its head, and delivered a terrible scowl.

“Shock Wave!” The two-legs called.

Giving a howl, the blue canid closed its eyes as though straining for a crap, before the fur on it bristled up like a coat, each hair giving off small sparks as the internal charge on the Pokémon’s body reached a critical mass before bursting in a widespread wave of electricity as the dog roared in anger, the shock wave ripping into the slugs as they screamed in unison, the powerful electricity overriding their bodies and causing them extreme nervous pain before stopping, the creatures slumping over in exhaustion, despair and pain while the canid simply growled threateningly at them.

Gnawing at the berry with gay abandon, the rat suddenly felt a heavy vibration as the two-legs lumbered by it, giving it a cold leer that sent shivers down the spine of the mouse, keeping it rooted to the spot before the creature plucked a strange sphere from itself, the sphere enlarging with a press of a button and composed of two hemispheres of red and white.

The two-legs threw the sphere at the blue slug, whose efforts at resistance were met with futility and as the pink one rose, the wolf’s jaws clamped shut over its head, wrenching the slug off the ground and into a rock, a sickening crunch as soft body folded over hard stone and body fluids stained the ground around it decided the victor of this encounter, who was sucked into the sphere against its will as the Manectric gave a half-hearted look at the mouse then the two-legs, who merely smirked.

“Kill the mouse if you want, we’ve got what we came here for.”

As the larger blue canine bore down on the defenceless rodent, a flicker of wind caught up as a small brown bird landed at the ruins, the white pattern on its head resembling a paw as it skipped to the pages of the dying book, and tore a sheet out, choosing to ignore the deep crack of thunder and the light hiss of rain as the circle of life completed itself, the bird flitting off leaving another page uncovered.

‘While it can be said that alternately coloured creatures such as Shellos have their colouration explained by scientific reasonings, there is little knowledge as to the existence of truly abnormally coloured Pokémon. Albino Pokémon have been explained by principle of recessive genes, but experiments into the genetics defining a sandy Starly from the regular grey have revealed the surprising fact that their genetic makeup is exactly the same. Whether this proves that these alternate coloured Pokémon, such as the Red Gyarados of Johto, are mutations of their parent species is unknown, but trainers have recently resorted to answering by stating that these “shiny Pokémon” are different colours because of~’

 

Claimed for grading

 

Intro:
I was very intruigued that the main character was a wild Pokemon. You gave a good sense of the setting and scavanging attitude of the Rattata.

Plot:
A Rattata observes two Shellos fighting. He also sees a human interupting the fight, catching the two Shellos. The human then instructs his Pokemon to kill the main character.

Loved this plot. You did a good job of getting us into the mind of a wild Pokemon. The only problem is that the Rattata doesn't know what a human is, yet, it has lived on a farm, which are run by humans. And I sense this is a darker world where Trainers kill wild Pokemon.

Length:
9,758 characters w/ spaces. This is fine for a simple Pokemon, good job.

Battle:
It was interesting to evaluate since the main character doesn't battle at all. I love the way you described the moves (excepted for the long winded sentenses). Yetm I wish that the trainer did more than two attacks. I understand that the two Shellos were attacking each other for a while, but still. However, I did like your main character' reactions to what was going on: how it was still trying to eat.

Grammar:
The most concerning part of your story is that it was hard to read sometimes. The problem was that you had a lot of long sentenses, and while it might be grammatically correct, it is still hard for the normal readers to understand. Here is a great example of a sentense that had 115 words:

You have a lot of seperate actions in this one sentence, and alot of it isn't grammaticly correct anyways. I'll go by it action by action:

"a small orb of aqua lifting from the puddle..." is the "next action" so instead of a comma, you should use a colon. A colon is used here for the reason of syntactical-deductive: it introduces the logical consequence, or effect, of a fact stated before.

Second, the "wail of pain" is not a location but a state of emotion so one cannot smack someone down to it.

But generally, when a new character has a new action, it deserves a new paragraph. I showed this paragraph to some of my cohorts and they couldn't decifer what was going on until they read it three or four times. Sometimes grammar needs to take a backseat to structure. Here is a way that it can be easier for the reader to follow the seperate actions:

Watch out for long winded sentences. If you can't say it in one or two breaths, it is too long.

Here is another example that is confusing:

The "who" is after the "victor of this encounter," which would be the Manectric, yet you say that Manectric is fine. Also, it was confusing since you only mention on ball that captured the Blue Shellos. If you would have seperated the sentences, the reader wouldn't be confused.


One error of comma use:

"to conserve more body heat" is a prepositional phrase that doesn't need a comma.

Watch your tenses:

"was" and "rendered" are both past tense and "lay is present tense.

This was also awkward:

A stampede is a group already so saying a group of a group is superfluous.

Also:

After a ";", the word is lowercase, since it is considered like a part of the previous sentense, like you used ", and" for example.

Lastly:

This isn't a sentense.

Details:
A lot of details which painted a great picture for me, but again watch the length of your sentences.

Personal Thoughts:
I enjoyed the change of pace from the trainer goes and finds a pokemon to capture. While this was still there, the reader now experiences what it is like to be a minor character. Again, you lost big points for the grammar, but every other aspected help bring it back up.

Verdict:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Here is your prize:


However, you only get one of the Shellos, the blue one, since I was confused about whether you actually wanted the Pink one. You caught the blue one first so I went with that. If you want a Pink one, just switch it around.

​

 

Nah, blue's fine as it is. Much obliged for the rate as well.