A Raging Lake (Graded)

Pokemon Attempted: Magikarp
Characters Required: 3000-5000
Amount of Characters: 7395 with spaces (used an online counter, couldn't find any that count characters without spaces)
1st Person Point of View

This is my first story so I figured it would be best to go for an easy Pokemon, I do apologize if it's not good

Also as a side note, for whoever grades this and might be confused about moves my Pokemon in the story use, its because this story is based on me, and in it I use the Pokemon I own on here, TMs and all, so see my stats for detail if you get confused

A Raging Lake​

“Alright I’m just about there, come to think of it I wonder what this lake I’m going to is like, I don’t even know the name of it, or what it looks like for that matter. Oh well a person can’t really miss a large a large lake and as long as it’s full of Magikarp like I was told why would I need to know the name?”

"Still though you would think that old man would have told me more about this lake, then just it's filled with Magikarp, even though our conversation was over a month ago I still remember it as if it only happened yesterday"

Old Man: "So your name is Eric correct?"

Me: "Yes it is"

Old Man: "Where are you from, and what brings you here today?"

Me: "I live at the edge of Mahogany town.

Old Man: "So you live that close do you? Interesting, I didn't think you were from this town since I've never seen you around. Anyway I apologize for interrupting you, please continue."

Me: "I'm 18 years old, and began my journey not too long ago. You haven't seen me around probably because before I began my journey I stayed indoors mostly. The reason I came here today was because I heard you were an expert on Gyarados, but all your Gyarados were once Magikarp, and therefore raised correctly. I'm here because I want to know where you found all your Magikarp, I want to raise one myself."

Old Man: "If I may ask why do you want a Gyarados?"

Me: "Because I know that a Gyarados can be a powerful addition to any team."

Old Man: "That can be very true, how many Pokemon do you currently have on you?"

Me: "Six"

Old Man: "Are you not happy with the one's you currently have?"

Me: "I am very happy with my current 6, however I know I want to go to face Gym Leaders, and down the line the Elite 4, I can't do that with just the 6 I have now."

Old Man: "You do make an interesting point there. You won't be able to win anything if every battle you are always using the same 6 Pokemon.

Me: "So you understand things from my point of view?"

Old Man: "Yes, and I have decided to help you out. Go north of this town, and you find a large lake, that is where I have caught all the Magikarp that I have raised. Here take this fishing rod with you. You will need it."

Me: "Great, thank you very much sir! I have one final question I would like to ask you though."

Old Man: "Yes?"

Me: "Why have you captured so many Magikarp to raise?"

Old Man: "Gyarados tend to be very angry and harsh by nature, and therefore people don't want one. I however learned after training my first Gyarados, that they can be as friendly as any other Pokemon, when raised right and cared for. And I wish to show people that, and that is why I have caught and trained many Magikarp to show that it wasn't just a fluke."

Me: "Alright I understand. Well I'll be off now, best of luck with that, and thank you for all your help."


After a few more minutes of traveling I finally made it to my destination.


“Huh Lake of Rage? What an unusual name for a lake to have, should I take that as some sort of sign? No I can’t turn back now, not after hearing that this was such a good spot to fish for Magikarp, besides the name of it probably doesn‘t mean anything.”

“Its such a nice day out why should I leave everyone inside their Pokeballs? Besides I will need at least one of them out to battle a Magikarp, come on out everyone and enjoy yourselves while I fish, Crobat, Nidoking, and Garchomp you guys can go and relax, Horsea, Eevee, and Cranidos stay with me for the time being in case I need more than one of your guys help.”

After setting up camp I took out my fishing rod and was ready to fish for a Magikarp to add to my team. Since that point 20 minutes have passed, I didn’t mind though, I know fishing is a waiting game.

“I finally feel a pull on my fishing rod! I said happily. Yes just what I was looking for a Magikarp, okay lets make short work of it. Eevee get over there and wag your tail in it's face with a Tail Whip."

"Okay good work. Now Eevee start running around and kicking up sand to use Sand Attack on it."

"Okay then that’s enough defensive strategy lets switch to offense, Eevee use Quick Attack! Alright it hit, it should be weak enough now so go pokeba……what’s this shaking I feel under me? Could it be an earthquake? I don’t know what it is, but even without knowing I can tell I don’t like it”

“Ahhhh! It’s a bunch of Gyarados, there must be at least a dozen of them! They must have been enraged when I attacked Magikarp, it must be one of the Gyarados’ children, I’d say it would be the child of the angriest Gyarados, but they all look incredibly angry to me! Okay then, Eevee and Cranidos return, Horsea use Smokescreen, that should be enough to hold them off while we get away.”

“Okay guys lets get out of here now! What are these explosion noises? What the, damn half the Gyarados are using Hydro Pump while the other half are using Hyper Beam, how the hell do I escape that? Isn’t Hyper Beam suppose to make the user tired after using it, well then these must be some strong will powered Gyarados, because I don’t see them taking a break”

“Alright then I have no choice I can’t run I need to fight back, Crobat use Confuse Ray! Nidoking use Ice Beam! And lastly Garchomp you use Dragon Rush on them! Oh no the Gyarados are using Ice Fangs, great all my Pokemon out there are weak to Ice, and Horsea, Eevee, and Cranidos are too weak compared to the Gyarados to do too much, wait Gyarados are part Flying type, so maybe, okay then come out Cranidos, and attack them all with Ancient Power!”

“I only have one shot to make this work, Crobat get out of the way, Nidoking and Garchomp stand your ground and continue to battle because this next move won’t hurt you. Cranidos jump up now and hit all the Gyarados with Thunderbolt!”

The power of the Thunderbolt was too bright, and I needed to close my eyes as this happened. All I could do was hope that my plan worked. When I opened my eyes I was happy to see what I saw, Cranidos KO’ed all the Gyarados.

“Great job Cranidos, I never should have underestimated your power even if you haven’t evolved yet you are still incredibly powerful. Nidoking, Garchomp, and Crobat I hope you guys are okay, I’ll take you to get healed in a minute, but you guys did a great job battling all those angry Gyarados.”

“I think it’s time for use to take off, I don’t think it’s smart to stick around here much longer, if those Gyarados recover we could be in some serious trouble. Just wait right here guys I need to check up on one final thing. Hey there Magikarp, sorry about attacking the Gyarados, I’m sure among them was your mother, and some of them may have even been your friends, but you see I couldn’t allow them to hurt my buddies, but to be fair they only attacked me because I attacked you, so I must apologize for that. You take care of yourself now Magikarp.”

“Magikarp, magikarp!”

“What is it Magikarp are you trying to tell me something? Wait a minute I know that look in your eyes, you want to finish our battle don’t you? That’s fine by me if that’s what you want to do. Come on out again Eevee! And lets finish up this battle. Magikarp I know you will one day become a Gyarados, but I hope by that point rather than have you be a powerful enemy, you are instead a powerfully partner of mine, and a good friend too.”

 

Re: A Raging Lake (Ready for Grading)

Claimed for grading. MINE! Grrr.....

 

Re: A Raging Lake (Ready for Grading)

Intro: You started out with a nice intro. Your main character is describing events that have taken place, and you have a flashback to the old man who gave your character the info to find the Lake of Rage. The problem with your intro, however, is that you don't describe the main character or the old man at all. I want to know hair color, eye color, what kind of clothing. All those things build a character's personality. For example, if your character was wearing tennis shoes, I would know that he was outdoorsy and liked to travel. If he wore boots, I would think of him as the explorer type. If he was wearing high heels, well...you get the picture.

Plot: Your character goes fishing to catch a Magikarp. It's been done to the death, but Magikarp is in the easiest category, so it doesn't really matter. Your character does develop a bit of personality, even though your story is only a few thousand characters. Your plot is just fine for a Magikarp.

Dialogue: Your dialogue can only be described as...weird. Most of the story is told through dialogue, as if the character was speaking to me. That's okay. What I didn't like, was the use of script format when he's talking to the old man. It wouldn't have been hard to do a flash back and use regular dialogue. Another thing I didn't like, was the numerous amount of grammatical errors within your dialogue, which I'll get to now.

Grammar: One thing I can't stand is that you keep changing tenses. Check this paragraph out:

That's present tense. It's okay, if a bit challenging, to write a story that way. Here's where the problem occurs:

In that paragraph, you switch from past tense back to present tense. That's not the only problem with grammar you have either. Next up, we have the run on sentences:

That has some major run on sentences. That's like word diarrhea, right there. Here's how that should look:

Much better. Also, there were a few places you forgot your quotation marks, like here:

That should be:

That paragraph had some other problems, too. Including you leaving out apostrophes, forgeting commas, and more run on sentences. Most of your story is a hulking pile of incorrect grammar. Don't worry too much, though. Grammar is the hardest part of writing for most people, and you'll get better with practice.

Detail: Here's another problem. Your story had almost no detail. You don't describe your characters, the Lake of Rage, the Pokemon, the attacks, or anything else. You need detail. Even though your writing as if your main character was telling a story, you could have still added detail. For example, here's one of your paragraph's straight from the story:

The only detail there is that it's a nice day. You could have added detail like this:

“Its such a nice day out! The sun is shining and the Pidgeys are chirping. Why should I leave everyone inside their Pokeballs? Besides I will need at least one of them out to battle a Magikarp. Come on out everyone and enjoy yourselves while I fish. Crobat, Nidoking, and Garchomp, you guys can go and relax. Horsea, Eevee, and Cranidos, stay with me for the time being in case I need more than one of your guys help. It's so nice today! Look how beautiful the lake is! It looks like liquid sapphire.”

See, even though your character was talking, he was giving a description of the lake.

Length: Magikarp are in the easiest category, and need a minimum of 3k. You have 7k, so you went above and beyond. Good job.

Reality: The only thing I had trouble believing, was that the Gyarados just attacked for no reason, and without warning. Even in the games, they were attacking because of that weird radio signal, or whatever. There should be some reason for the attack. Other than that, there was nothing unrealistic about the story.

Personal Feelings: I liked how your story was told in a unique way. This is the first story of any kind that I've ever read where it's told as if I'm listening to somebody tell me a story in person. However, you had almost no detail in your story, and atrocious grammar. I'm split here, but I'll have to say....

Outcome: Magikarp...captured

Even though there were a lot of things hurting your story, your unique story telling method, extra length, and the fact that Magikarp is in the easiest category saved it. Congratulations, and have fun with your Magikarp!

 

Re: A Raging Lake (Ready for Grading)

Well first off thank you very much for the grade

To be honest this was a test story to get some much needed grader criticism. I wanted to do a test story to get suggestions of what not to do for harder stories which is why I went for Magikarp in this story instead of starting with a Medium/Hard story

Once again thank you very much for the grade and I'll remember everything you told me when writing my next story