A New Beginning

A New Beginning By TGT




It was the early morning in the Kanto region. The sun was shining, and everything smelled fresh and new, after the massive rainstorm the day before. To most of the people of Kanto, this was merely a normal day. Unless it was their birthday, most of the citizens of the region had nothing spectacular to do, Except for one.

Jack Andrews was fourteen and lived in the town known as “Pallet” in the south western corner of Kanto. Today was the day he had at last gotten his starter Pokemon from the Pokemon professor that lived in the lab on Stratus hill, at the north part of Pallet town.

The Pokemon Jack chose was Bulbasaur, which was a small grass type Pokemon with a bulb on it's back. Jack himself was average height with short unkempt brown hair and bright green eyes. His clothes of choice for the start of his journey were a horrifically bright tie died shirt that barely fitted, and a pair of jeans that looked like a Scizor had been snipping chunks out of them with its crab like claws. Since teh day was nice enough, he wore no shoes, instead they were tied to his bag by the laces.

Jack stood at the entrance to Pallet town, gazing out over route number one, which was the first path he would walk on his journey to be a top Pokemon trainer. With money in his pocket, a bag on his back and a Bulbasaur on his belt, he had never felt more ready to take on the world.

Before he did anything, he took a moment to admire the general beauty of the Kanto region. He saw the long dirt path of route 1 trailing out for miles across the countryside, amid rolling fields and alongside breezy forests and flowing streams.

He took his only red and white capsule from his belt and tossed it into the air.

“Go! Bulbasaur !”He shouted, and in a flash of white light, the small green seed Pokemon was standing at his feet. “Pleased to meet you.” Jack said to it. “My name is Jack, and I will be your trainer…Unless you don’t want me to be” He added sheepishly.

“Saur! Bulbasaur!” Cried the small green dinosaur, smiling slightly.

“Can I assume that was a yes?” Jack inquired

“Saur.” Bulbasaur answered.

“This is getting nowhere. Lets get moving, then.” Jack turned away from his newly acquired Pokemon and began to walk. A flowery spring breeze blew, ruffling Jack’s brown hair. They walked on for a while. Pokemon were all around. There were Miltank and Mareep grazing the fields and Flying types such as Pidgeotto and Fearow circled high above, scanning the ground for prey.

About an hour after the Human-Pokemon team left Pallet town, they reached the edge of a small waterfall. Jack stopped to take another deep breath of clean, fresh air, when he noticed that his Bulbasaur wasn’t following him.

“What is it, Bulbasaur? Jack asked as he ran back to his first Pokemon.

“Saur.” Said the little bulb-backed Pokemon, nodding in the direction of a grassy bank just off the track, where a boy of about fifteen was relaxing on a blanket.

The boy was tall and thin, had long blond hair that mostly covered his face and dull blue-gray eyes. He was wearing a black long sleeved shirt emblazoned with the logo of the large corporation that created it and some black jeans with mud on the kneecaps. He did not seem notice as Jack and Bulbasaur approached him.

“Hey!” Jack called out to him. The boy brushed his hair away from his face and regarded Jack with questioning eyes.

“What?” He asked. “Why are you disturbing me?”

“Errrrm… Are you a trainer?” Jack asked, feeling slightly stupid. In answer, the elder teen merely waved his hand at the pair of Poke Balls on his own belt .”Well then” Jack asked, feeling more confident “Would you like to battle?”

“Sure!” Replied the blond boy, seeming much more awake than he had been seven seconds ago. He jumped to his feet and took a Poke Ball from his belt. “My name is Chris. And I challenge you to a battle!”

“W-wait a minute,” Jack stammered “I challenged you!”

“That,” Chris sighed “Is what is known as a technicality. Meaning, it doesn’t matter, so shut up and send out your Pokemon already, I don’t have all day.”

“Fine!” Jack cried. “Bulbasaur! GOOOO!” Jack’s first and only Pokemon scampered forward, taking a place between the two trainers.

“A Bulbasaur?” Chris asked “What a coincidence! Because I have-” He threw his Poke Ball into the air. There was a burst of white light from the inside of the Ball and an orange lizard Pokemon with a fire on it’s tail was standing in front of Chris. “A Charmander.” He finished.

“Charmander-The Lizard Pokemon.” Said a mechanical voice from Jack’s bag, which surprised Jack so much he dropped the bag on the floor. A red machine fell out, with an image of Charmander on the screen.

“What are you so shocked about?” Chris asked. “It’s just your Pokedex.”

“The flame that burns at the tip of the tail is an indication of it’s emotions. The flame wavers when Charmander is happy, and blazes when it is enraged.” The Pokedex finished.

“I-I wasn’t shocked!” Jack stuttered “I knew that would happen!

“Right. Yeah.” Chris replied. “Lets just get on with our battle, shall we?” Not waiting for an answer, he pointed at Bulbasaur. “Charmander, start off with a Metal Claw!” The Charmander obligingly ran forward and slashed Bulbasaur with a claw as hard as steel before Jack could react.

“B-Bulbasaur! Use your-” Jack had studied up on Bulbasaur’s moves the night before, and now struggled to remember one of them. “Ummmm…Use Vine Whip?”

“Bulba!” Cried the generic Kanto starter, as two long green vine extended from his bulb and preceded to lash Charmander with all their force.

“Shake it off, then use Cut!” Chris ordered

“Hit it with a Sleep Powder!” Jack told his new friend. A cloud of sparkling blue dust shot out of the top of Bulbasaur’s bulb. Charmander ran towards the shiny mist, but dodged left at the last second, wheeled around ninety degrees and executed a Cut attack on Bulbasaur.

“NOW!” Chris yelled “Finish it with EMBER!”

“Chaaaaarrrr!!!” Screamed the fire Pokemon, letting a blast of fire spheres fly from his mouth, and watching triumphantly as they hit the unfortunate Bulbasaur square in the face, causing an instant K.O.

“No! Bulbasaur!” Jack shouted, running over to his newest friend and placing a comforting hand on his bulb.

“Hey man, no worries, yeah?” Chris said, his face softening slightly. “Everyone loses sometimes. Hell, even I do! You did your best and that’s what counts. Now stop moping and lets head to Viridian city to heal Bulbasaur up.”

“Okay…” Said Jack, brightening up a little. “But you know what? From now on, you and me are officially rivals.”

“No.” Chris replied. “I’m still better than you because I have two Pokemon. And you don’t. So after we heal your Bulbasaur, we’re going to catch you another Pokemon. Then we will be rivals.”

***

Chris and Jack emerged from Viridian City about 3 hours later with full stomachs, healed Pokemon and Jack now had 5 extra Poke Balls.

They walked past many houses and other buildings until they reached the other side of the city, and arrived at Route 2.

Route 2 was a lot like Route 1 based on general scenery,except it was much more wooded, and the great mass of trees that was Viridian forest could be seen about an hour away from where the trainers now stood.

While Jack was taking in the scenery, Chris quickly located a wild Pidgey that was pottering about in the long grass.

“There you go.” He whispered, so not to scare it away. “Catch that Pidgey. It’s an easy grab for beginner trainers.”

“Okay” said Jack, taking Bulbasaur’s Ball from his belt clip. “So I just weaken it, then throw the empty Poke Ball?”

“That’s right” Chris answered. “Now go for it!”

Jack opened his bag and took out an empty Ball and his Pokedex. He quickly recorded the Pidgey’s data in the ‘dex (which he muted so not to scare his pray away) then released Bulbasaur to battle it.

“Saur! BulbaSAUR!” Shouted the Pokemon. The Pidgey screeched and used a Sand Attack on Bulbasaur. The little dinosaur lept backwards with a squeal, trying to get the sand out of its eyes.

“Use Tackle!” Jack commanded. His Pokemon dashed forward blindly and tackled the Pidgey, doing some damage. The Pidgey replied with another Sand Attack, lowering Bulbasaur’s accuracy even more.
Jack commanded his Pokemon to Tackle again, but this time the attack missed. Pidgey then used a Quick Attack to damage Bulbasaur.

“Jack!” Called Chris. “Tell your Bulbasaur to use a different move! Tackle isn’t working!”

“Bulbasaur” Jack shouted, taking Chris’s advice. “Use Vine Whip for the wide sweeping value!” The Pidgey managed to dodge the vines at first and get another Quick Attack in, but after that, Bulbasaur hit it with it’s vines, knocking the bird Pokemon to the ground. Jack threw one of his Poke Balls and smiled as the Pidgey was enveloped in red light. He stared intently at the ball as it began to shake.

One time

Two times

Three times…


--Is ready for grading--



-Pokemon Requestedidgey
-Category:Simple
-Expected Story Length:5-10k
Story Length:???

--Notes--
This is my first major piece of Pokemon writing, so please give me lots of lovely constructive criticism.

 

Just to say,I would like anyone to comment here, I need all the feedback I can get.

 

Anyone? Excellent. Well, I'm not generally very good at constructive criticism but I will do my best.

I just need to say right now, I am very penickety but also inexperienced, which is quite a bad combination...and I am NOT an official grader. I'm just offering some lovely constructive criticism.

(Mainly related to Grammar.)


You need to be careful in speech: there are a few times where you make some minor punctuation/capitalisation mistakes either in front of or after speech marks. A few examples:

(I'm fairly confident that) this should be: "Go! Bulbasaur!" he shouted. I'm aware that the space between Bulbasaur and the exclamation mark was probably a typo, as it's the only instance where you do this, but the capitalisation after an exclamation/question mark or full stop seemed to crop up quite often.


Also:

(I believe) should be: "W-wait a minute," Jack stammered, "I challenged you!" You always need punctuation after you've put what a person says, even if they get cut off or interrupted. Again, you made this mistake at least a couple of times.

This is another example of the unnecessary capitalisation, but it is also just a very minor point about the sentence itself: I feel that calling Bulbasaur a "generic Kanto starter" is a slightly dodgy choice of phrase. Perhaps "generic Grass Pokémon" or "generic grass starter" would have been more apt, but by saying "generic Kanto starter", you're implying that the Kanto starters are all very similar. Meh. I'm probably just being picky.

I think you could have put a bit more description into the second sentence here: something more along the lines of "The little dinosaur flinched/recoiled/whimpered etc. as the sand filled the air and stung its eyes." That's probably not a very good example either, but do you get what I'm saying? As it was, it was just a bit plain.

Also, being very picky, I personally don't think Bulbasaur (despite the "saur" part in his name) looks like a dinosaur.


And finally, at the end, could you perhaps have used a few non-grass moves (aside from Tackle) on the Pidgey (as grass is 0.5x effective against flying)? It just kinda seemed weird to me that if Tackle wasn't working you would resort to a move that would be even less effective. (Granted though, Bulbasaur may not have many non-grass damaging moves!)


Hope I didn't seem too patronising/annoying/retarded. First time critiquing somebody's story!

(Any constructive criticism on how I can improve my constructive criticism?)


EDIT: Aha, just remembered one more mistake.

The town is called "Pallet Town". Not "Pallet".

"The land known as Eng" is wrong. It's England. Likewise, you wouldn't miss off the "Town" from "Pallet Town".

 

Wow, thanks for all the help, it should improve my writing in the future ;D

 

No problem. Good luck with the grading.

 

Thank you.

 

Re: A New Beginning (needs grade)

Introduction, Characters, Backstory: This part is quite good: The stage is set well, weather and all; your character is introduced; a bit of backstory is given as to where he's from and where he got his starter Pokémon...
What is lacking is a description of Jack, a problem which I'll elaborate on down in the 'Detail/Description' section. Still, despite this it's very good for a first story, and meets the standards of a Simple catch.


Plot Content, Plot Flow: This story follows the generic outline of, 'Trainer receives starter Pokémon, goes looking for Pokémon to catch, battles and catches Pokémon," but this is a good thing; in a story designed for a Simple capture, any more complex storyline serves only to generate far more letters-- and effort-- than you need. So, simple is good. In addition, the extra battle and the introduction of another character-- Chris-- spices up the storyline and makes it more unique without inflating the story to unnecessary numbers of characters.
The only complaint I have is that some of the movements-- specifically the trip from just outside Pallet Town to Viridian City-- are rather abrupt. Isn't there a bit of a journey in the meantime? Ah, well. Timeskips are justified by artistic license, so I'll give you that one. =)


Grammar, Sentence Flow: No glaring errors. Spelling and grammar are above average, and I find your sentences easy to read and to understand.
One thing that is rather important: A quotation mark ("), unless it's at the beginning of a paragraph, should never be preceded by anything but : , . (Colon, comma or period.)
You did this right most of the time, I think, but a perfect example of when you didn't is the following exchange:

That should be:
"W-wait a minute," Jack stammered. "I challenged you!"
"That," Chris sighed, "Is what is known as a technicality. Meaning, it doesn't matter, so shut up and send out your Pokémon already, I don't have all day."

Oh, and: This isn't a mistake, as such, but if you give a damn: Alt+0233 (on your num-pad) = é. Very useful if you want to type the word Pokémon correctly. :lol:

Detail, Description: This was a weak point, but that's very common-- I myself was told off for lack of sufficient description only a couple of days ago.
The major problem here is that your main character is not ever described physically. The reader needs a brief description of whether he's short/tall/slim/plump, as well as whether he's generally got a friendly smile or a serious face... etc. For the entire story, Jack remains a large question mark in the reader's imagination. You have a clear idea of what your characters and locations look like, but remember that your reader doesn't have that picture until you paint it for them. Make an effort to describe your characters and the world around them, visually most of all but without neglecting the occasional reference to smell or sounds.


Battles: The battles, while not technically bad at all, read like something out of the games. Since this is a Simple-difficulty story, it's not expected to be great, but people generally only want to watch Pokémon flail at each other turn-based style with near-100% hit rates if they're playing the GAMES. At higher difficulties, keep in mind that you'll want to mix it up a little. Realism in your battles is good. ^_^


Overall: Your good intro, backstory-wise, is offset by the fact that we're never quite sure what the characters look like: All we know is that Jack is fourteen and that Chris has long blond hair.
Your grammar and spelling are uniformly good throughout the story, so they don't detract from its overall readability. The fact that you made the plot a little less generic with the addition of a 'Rival' character counts in your favour. The battles are exactly average for a Simple difficulty story-- in other words, they could use work. Try reading a few other stories, and see what people did for their battles.
To be brutally honest, the deciding factor here is the detail. I know from the introductory paragraph that it's a nice day out-- sunny and fresh. I know there's a grassy bank on Route 1 near where Jack starts out, but that's it. And I only know that because the bank was important to the plot: It was where Chris was lying. No location is fully described, and Route 2 is a complete blank.

EDIT: With your changes, I get a much better idea of what the characters and locations look like. It changes the story significantly for the better.
Result:
Pidgey: NOT CAUGHT CAUGHT.