A New Beginning and Hungry Friends

Edited a few words and completed! The Pokemon in question is Poochyena.

The S.S. Whirlpool cruised steadily towards its planned destination, filled with passengers from around the world. On the deck there was a small group of trainers battling their Pokemon, with a referee keeping a close eye to make sure no moves were powerful enough to damage the ship. One of them, a redheaded boy wearing a T-shirt with a Poke ball design, was battling using his Rattata.

“Come on, dodge and use Hyper Fang!” The Rattata attempted to dodge, but was struck hard by the opposing Rhyhorn. The small rat tried one more time to rise, and then blacked out. The owner of the Rattata instantly recalled his Pokemon and confronted the owner of the Rhyhorn, a man wearing hiking gear of all things.

“You cheated! You saw me use a Rattata, and you called out a Rock type of all things! There’s no WAY I could have won, so I call unfair advantage!” the Hiker chuckled. “Boy, you saw what Pokemon I had BEFORE you challenged me. In fact, I went easy on you. Would you rather I had used my main?” Holding out a Poke ball, he throws it to reveal a towering Golem. Still fuming, the boy stomps off towards the front part of the deck. The only other person there is a young woman, absorbed in reading a small book.

“What are you reading there?” The boy grabs the book and skims a few pages “All about Pokemon and their types…An elementary school kid could tell you half of the stuff that is in here, why the hell are you checking this stuff out when you look older than me?” The young woman simply glared at him. “Wait, I know you. You’re that weird girl who got onboard at the last port right? That one place that has no Pokemon and relies on machines?” She nodded curtly in response. “Let me guess, you’re here to pick up a starter Pokemon in Sunyshore? Any idea what you want yet? I’m Roy, by the way.”

“Akinai…and that’s right. I’ve been looking through this book, and while I’m not sure yet, a Dragon type definitely seems like the way to go! They’re majestic and powe-” She was interrupted by laughing “What’s so funny?”

“Dra, Dragon types can’t be picked as a starter! If they did that, we would have fifty ten-year olds running around using Dragon Rage on anything that moves!” Roy seemed beside himself with amusement. Did this person really know THAT little about Pokemon society? This could in fact spark some hilarity for him later on…

“Actually…Scratch that, there’s ONE Pokemon you could get as a starter that becomes a Dragon later on.” Akinai narrowed her eyes. “If you’re talking about Swablu, you better forget it…” Roy made a disregarding motion with his hand and began flipping through the book. “Nope, I’m talking about this one!” Luck would have it; the book only had a small picture of the first evolution, and instead used a giant image for the final form. “Flygon!”

Akinai stared at the picture and read in awe. “The Mystic Pokemon. It is often called the Desert Spirit for the sound of its wings and how they appear in sandstorms…What does it evolve from though?” Roy quickly closed the book before she could get a good look. “A Trapinch, and let me tell you they are as powerful and breathtaking as the final form!” As Roy handed Akinai her book, he smirked as she ran to her cabin, more than likely dreaming of the “fantastic” Pokemon she would get at port.

Akinai shook herself out of a daydream, aided by the fact that a very angry and hungry creature was pulling at her hair. “Trapinch, let go! Let me guess, you’re looking for food?” The small ant lion nodded in response, stomping a foot in impatience. Sighing to herself, Akinai pulled a small container filled with Pokemon food out of her bag and poured a small amount into a bowl that Trapinch had already managed to grab out of her backpack. Laying the bowl down, she watched as her starter wolfed down the food.

“I was just thinking about the first time we met. Do you remember?” Trapinch nodded in response while still munching down. Their first meeting was not a happy one for both of them. Akinai had called out the Pokemon as soon as receiving the Poke ball, and had demanded a re-trade on the grounds of receiving the wrong starter. It wasn’t until an official was called over and had shoved a pamphlet in her face showing that Trapinch was indeed the Pokemon she had that she had calmed down from furious to sulking. Vowing silent revenge on the boy who had given her the original information on Flygon, she decided to stick with her starter.

After Trapinch was done with her meal, Akinai took another look at the path they were on. They had passed Lake Valor yesterday, and were currently traveling along a road that seemed to be either badly in disrepair or trying to regress back to a grassy path. Looking at the map she had received along with her starter revealed the path name to be Route 214. “This has to be the perfect spot! Look around: a mystic lake in the distance, a wildly natural path…There’s no doubt that we will run into a rare Pokemon here! Especially this one…” Akinai flipped through her book, resting upon a white-furred Pokemon with an ominous presence.

“Absol, the Disaster Pokémon. It lives in steep mountainous regions rarely inhabited by humans. Absol is often seen before disasters and are often seen as either harbingers or as forewarners for them.”

“If I could get one of those…It would be perfect. I would never have to worry about anything bad happening again, because it would simply warn me before it happens!” As Akinai drifted off daydreaming again, Trapinch seemed to sigh to herself. Her trainer had a head for battling, but not for anything else. Guiding her trainer along, they searched the path for Pokemon.

The day seemed to bring nothing but false promises. Whenever they encountered a Pokemon it always seemed to be a Geodude rolling away or the odd Rhyhorn. After many hours of battling wild Pokemon and chasing shaking grass patches, Akinai was near her wit’s end in patience.

“’Wildly natural path’ my ass! Nothing but Pokemon that are supposed to be in a completely different habitat. I’ll never find Absol this way…” As Akinai began to retrace her steps back to Sunyshore, she stopped as a heavy force seemed to drag down on her backpack. “Trapinch, I’ll feed you once we reach the Pokemon Center! Now let go and…” As Akinai turned to get a firmer hold on her pack, a furry face with red eyes greeted her.

“…You’re not Trapinch!” Akinai attempted to shake the wild Pokemon free, but it appeared to be firmly attached to her pack. In fact, it appeared to be trying to gnaw its way to the Pokemon food inside. Noticing this, her starter charged forward to protect her food.

“Traaap!” The ant lion let out a loud cry and began to kick sand into the Pokemon’s eyes. It instantly released its hold on the bag and directed attention at Trapinch, enraged at being interrupted from obtaining the meal. As the two squared off, Akinai flipped through her book.

“Let’s see…Apparently this thing is called a Poochyena. It is known as…the Bite Pokemon? Why do I seem to attract the ones known for biting?” Trapinch glared a moment at this comment. “Sorry Trapinch, but you do have to admit that your mouth is the largest part of your body.” Akinai thought for a moment. Sure, this thing was no Absol, but it was still a Dark type. Might as well try to catch it after all this time.

“We don’t want it to get away, so whip up a Sand Tomb, Trapinch!” Her starter gave a quick nod, and then began to form a small sandstorm around the Poochyena. The wild Pokemon, already blinded from the Sand Attack, began to panic as it was pelted with even more damaging sand from all directions.

“Keep that up so it doesn’t escape!” Even though a move like Bite would do less damage to a Dark type, the Poochyena seemed too weak to be able to handle another blow. Grabbing one of the Poke balls that she had received along with her starter and map, she threw it squarely at the Pokemon and held her breath.

One shake.

Two shakes.

Three shakes…

 

Okay, let's get started shall we?


Introduction

I liked how you used a different set of characters as the beginning of your story, eventually leading to the obtuse, mean boy meeting your main character. I would say he acted as her foil except for the fact that I barely know anything about her. I felt that, at times, you described the boy more than you described her, making it difficult to figure out who the story was supposed to follow until later.

That being said, you had some excellent details in here that I appreciated. How there would be referees to ensure the boat wasn't damaged during any Pokemon fights. Not many people would think about that stuff.

Also, good choice using italics to separate the daydream/memory from the rest of the story. It certainly helps organize the story.


Plot

Rather straightforward in regards to finding a Pokemon to capture, but more unique in other ways. The fact that she had to sail to Sunyshore to receive her starter was a nice twist on the usual "visit the local professor" beginnings I've read before. For a simple Pokemon, you did well in this aspect.


Length

According to Microsoft Word, it appears you 7,978 characters in your story, including spaces. Considering that you need to write 5k-10k, you're within the specified length, leaning towards the heavier side. Which is a good thing. As I see it, the longer the better.


Grammar

I didn't notice anything too serious. Your story reads rather naturally. I would recommend a couple of organizational tips that would help make your writing even better.

For example, you often combine your quotes with other sentences (and other quotes) that relate. This only serves to confuse the reader in two ways. One, they sometimes don't know who's talking and have to go back and figure it out, thus slowing the story. Two, the quotes seem to just blend together, giving them less impact.

For example, let's take this paragraph:

“What are you reading there?” The boy grabs the book and skims a few pages “All about Pokemon and their types…An elementary school kid could tell you half of the stuff that is in here, why the hell are you checking this stuff out when you look older than me?” The young woman simply glared at him. “Wait, I know you. You’re that weird girl who got onboard at the last port right? That one place that has no Pokemon and relies on machines?” She nodded curtly in response. “Let me guess, you’re here to pick up a starter Pokemon in Sunyshore? Any idea what you want yet? I’m Roy, by the way.”

Here's how I would recommend you write it:

“What are you reading there?” asks the boy as he rudely grabs the book, skimming a few pages. "All about Pokemon and their types… An elementary school kid could tell you half of the stuff that is in here. Why the hell are you checking this stuff out when you look older than me?”

The young woman simply glared at him.

“Wait, I know you," he replied, scrunching his nose in thought. "You’re that weird girl who got onboard at the last port right? That one place that has no Pokemon and relies on machines?”

She nodded curtly in response.

“Let me guess, you’re here to pick up a starter Pokemon in Sunyshore. Any idea what you want yet?" he asked, then quickly added. "I’m Roy, by the way.”

That's much easier to read and helps spread out your dialogue. Additionally, it lets you add in a few more details that you might otherwise not have room for. Sometimes it's not just how you write it, but how you present it as well.


Description and Detail

As I mentioned earlier, you are amazing at little details. I loved how you pointed out how the main character always seems to attract Pokemon that bite. That just struck me as really funny. Your attention to details is pretty good.

However, you need to work on your description. I barely know what the protagonist looks like, much less anything else. A good portion of your writing is dialogue, and while certainly useful for figuring out what's going on, I can't see what you're portraying, only hear it. To me, the world and its characters are all generic and bland, with nothing to set them apart.

Use all your senses. What does the protagonist look like? How loud does Trapinch yell? How much sand did it throw up? How did Akinai identify Poochyena? Was it by sight or description? I may have a good imagination, but what I see and what you see in your story might be completely different. Descriptions help me visualize your story.


Battle

This is actually where you did the worse out of all the categories. Up until this point, I thought you did fairly well.

Your battle was disappointing. For one, it was too short. It's true that not every story has to use a battle to capture a pokemon, but when they do, we usually expect it to be about half the story. That's not always a case. There are always exceptions. I think the key point here is that the Pokemon you are trying to capture should be involved in a good portion of your story, whether that is a battle, a chance encounter, or whatever. In this case, Akinai just seemed to come upon it right at the end.

A shorter battle can be made up in other ways, such as good battle details. If there is a good description and valid reason for a short battle, a grader will overlook it. That being said, Trapinch only used one attack on Poochyena, maybe two. And that attack wasn't exactly described with much detail either.

Check out some of the other stories or examples and you'll see that many times, a writer will describe their attacks and their effects. Like how the sand seemed to hit the Poochyena like thousands of tiny needles. Or perhaps it was less effective, it's fur acting as a thin layer of armor, preventing all but the most wind-driven particles from laying into it. How does Trapinch use the attack? Does it create a gust-like wind by blowing high-pressured air from its mouth, picking up sand in the process? Or does it perhaps dig into the ground, and rapidly charge in circles, creating the dust storm from the ground up? How moves work, in terms of story, is just as important as how effectively they hit when it comes to describing battles.


Outcome

Still, this is a simple Pokemon and you worked hard in other ways to capture it, so this is a simple decision for me.

Poochyena Captured!

Don't feel down about what I've said about your work. You have a good attention for little details and I've enjoyed your story. I can't say that for everyone. I look forward to your next piece.

 

I'm glad you enjoyed the story ^^ I'll definitely keep in mind to add more of a battle description in my later stories, will admit that I have a hard time imagining battles in my head and putting them on screen/paper.

As for the quotes, I noticed this and added a separation between them in my second story...Actually now that I think about it, forgot to separate in the last paragraph *checks story*.

I don't feel down at all about your comments, any suggestions to improve my writing are greatly appreciated!