A long morning(Comments welcome!)

Spoiler

Target Pokémon: Roggenrola
Rank: Simple
Target CC: 5-10K
CC: 12,159
Author notes: annnd I'm over by a bit, oh well. I had fun with this part. You may notice I use words that don't exist but do convey a concept rather well, I liked 'lakelette'
Comments: Even if you aren't grading this story, please feel free to post any comments or feedback you may have. All I request is that you wait until after it has been graded, thank you.

Waking to the sunlight blaring across the ocean and through the trees behind him, Lincoln blinked and slowly rubbed his eyes with two fingers from his right arm. Two puncture wounds were easily visible on his left arm, though both holes had quilted looking dried blood on the surface. He didn't feel too bad, passing off the trouble standing as simply being tired. The small, one foot tall canine at his feet hopped up excitedly at his waking. It's constant barking would easily draw some thing’s attention. Lowering himself to his knees above the small creature, he pressed a finger to his lips and hissed through them. As annoying as Eve was, she was well trained with certain commands. Hanging from a branch nearby swung a brown furred bat. Two silver streaks of fur were visible wrapping around its legs. So much fur covered the small things face that Lincoln couldn't see any eyes. From the looks of it, the brown bat was on the larger end of those he'd seen before, it would stand as tall as Eve. Running his finger along the fur of the Zubat's head slowly, the man chuckled at its quiet chittering. It seemed content after its feed, a concept Eve expanded on by gently pawing at the man's leg. As much as he wanted food as well, fresh water was the priority. The night before he'd been sure to remind himself to search for food, but without water they wouldn't last very long. That's the problem though isn't it, would the island be large enough for a source of fresh water. Lincoln's two options were to either simply search for a water source, or try and establish if the island is large enough for one first. Deciding that he'd rather not waste the energy on an unnecessary step, the man scooped up his girlfriends pup and set off.

The randomly scattered trees seemed to make certain passages more appealing than others. Perhaps it was simply the spacing, maybe the ferns along some trees disturbed him. Several times he backtracked and circled around areas with a collection of large insects. Still nervous about the wild, Lincoln would avoid even the large, carapaced caterpillar esc creatures. Without sight of the sun, or even a working phone, the stranded young man had no idea how long he'd been wandering. His stomach was echoed by the one he held in his arms as they wandered the floor of the forest. After time unknown, the quiet sound of rushing water filled his ears. Breathing a sigh of relief, he turned and staggered toward the noise. Trees reached over the dark river from both sides and along its length in both directions he looked. Eve was set down gently on the river bank. Though the water was heavily shaded by the canopy, the trees were set back far enough that walking alongside was unobstructed. Both the man and the pup lent over the edge, drawing the cool liquid into their throats. Once quenched for the morning, Lincoln looked up and down the flow. He'd rather find a lake than the ocean. A lake has fresh water, the ocean is salty. Once the Eevee had finished her drinking, he picked her back up and began trudging upriver.

It didn't take long before the branches above peeled away and Lincoln was left standing upon the bank of a small lake. The water wasn't especially deep, it wasn't as much a lake as the splash pool for a rather long waterfall. The rock wall rose sixty, perhaps seventy feet, with water stopping on five staggered tiers on its way down. As his eyes finally reached the bottom and began to scan the surface of the small lake, something grabbed his attention on the opposite bank. Lincoln would have easily mistaken it for a collection of rocks, had it not stomped a couple steps to its left along the bank. A spike jutted from the main rocky body that stood upon two stubbly feet. A split could easily be seen on the surface of the main rock body, but details about it were more difficult to make out. A glint of silver in the water snatched his attention away from the odd formation. Ignoring Eve hopping down from his arms, and the silver striped bat gliding over the lake, Lincoln's eyes searched the slightly hazy water for the glint again. It wasn't difficult to find, appearing again not a minute later along with several more. He'd never been great at fishing, his father and the teacher had both taken him several times. Both men had told him that he lacks the patience to fish, it really was a virtue he'd never had time for though. Most of the very little wilderness education he'd had, Lincoln had already forgotten. Catching a fish was always significantly easier with a rod. He had brought one, it was safely below deck.

With little other option the young man stepped quietly into the water. Each leg only shifted through the water once the ripples from the other had died down. The hazy water swirled around him almost constantly, he could tell something was moving around him as his hips breached the surface of the small lake. Shapes in the water were impossible to distinguish, but at least twenty of the silver creatures circled him. A rapid series of ripples raced past him as something breached the surface and glided toward him from between the shore and where he stood. Spinning on the spot and sending out his own beacon of waves, Lincoln found himself face to face with a happily paddling little puppy. She barked excitedly at the exasperated look almost painted across his face. With a sigh he slowly bent his knees, lowering his body enough that his hand could brush against the gravel and mossy ground underfoot. Seizing what he hoped was a rock, Lincoln gradually raised his arm. With a sudden flick he skipped it across the water, back past the canine. The quick command to fetch had her swimming ashore, where he replaced his order with stay. With Eve safe from anything circling him in the water, Lincoln turned his attention back to the shadows. With everything in the water around him, what Lincoln didn't see was a large stone atop the cliff give way. As it tumbled down to crash through the otherwise serene surface, the stone brought with it a new torrent. With this new rush of water a current swept through the lake, sucking many of the dark shapes into the river.

The sudden current ripped Lincoln's legs out from under him. It felt as if an invisible force had grabbed his chest and was dragging him through the river. The rare glimpses he had of anything around him were a flash of trees spanning above him, Silver scales swimming past, Eve sprinting along the bank, stones and moss hurtling towards his eyes, the strange pile of rocks on the bank. When the water finally slowed, flowing around Lincoln rather than through him, the young man was at last able to gain his footing in the sandy base of the small river mouth. On his hands and knees with only his head above the waterline, Lincoln watched three small motorboats pull up along the shore down wind of him. The glaring sun beat down on those hopping down onto the beach. Small steel cages were tossed overboard into waiting arms, the creatures inside screaming in pain. Several creatures, not bound to cages, carried the cages to a small pile where a large man examined each of them. The men and few women, spoke amongst themselves in a strange tongue Lincoln couldn't even name let alone understand. The last cage was carried from the smallest boat by a fisherman unlike everyone else. A man with short blond hair and a frightened, quivering smile. His skin was beside theirs looked like milk against leather.

As the large man, who had been investigating the latest shipment, turned to milky man he smiled. The large man spoke English, though through an accent so heavy it was barely discernible at this distance. While he spoke, a large grin on his face, two other men approached the now nervous milky skinned fellow. They clasped what appeared to be one half of a pair of handcuff's to his wrist, before walking past and handing the speaking man something smaller. Lincoln had heard of the device, a ring and cuff connected by a thin wire. If the wire was cut, yanked quickly, or completely removed from the cuff, a blade inside would quickly zip around the inside and slice whatever it was clasped to. An illegal device often used by pirates to maintain control of their captives. A couple of the men from other boats climbed aboard the pale fellow's boat, pulling it away from the beach and apparently simply leaving. Lincoln watched as his fishing equipment sailed calmly away. Rather than leaving straight from the beach however, the two men circled around, avoiding what the young man could now see as a collection of fins circling randomly in the water. With a whistle from one man, three fins broke away and followed the new boat. The large man threw an arm over his now shaking companion.

The large man, without a cruel word, began leading the shaking man into shallow water. Despite the horrible accent, Lincoln was able to discern two words; 'private chat', though mostly from reading the man's lips. As the two waded out, the young man rose and slid quietly onto the sand. Eve paddled madly across the river to his side, the strange rock creature nearby simply pointing the split in it's main sphere at him. Lowering his body, Lincoln slipped into the tree line, slinking around the group of men say who-knows what. He watched as the large man laughed out in the water, holding the ring up while several steps away from the other. His moment came as the large man suddenly tugged the cord hard, a cheer erupted from the beach as several drops of blood pierced the ocean's surface. Keeping his head down, refusing to look up at what he knew was coming, Lincoln dashed out and grabbed the nearest cage.

The rattling of the cage frightened the small creature inside, with eyes clenched shut it yelped. At the sound, one man turned to tell the creature to shut up. Spying Lincoln, the man shouted something the young man couldn't understand. He didn't need to understand it though, as it seemed to grab everyone attention and turn them to him. Cage in hand, he ran. After snatching Eve up in his free hand he pelted through the woods, branches slapping him in the face as he ran from the sounds of the men chasing after him. He didn't have time to take note what pokemon they had under their command, he didn't know how he should try to outrun them. An ear splitting screech preceded painful cries and the silver striped bat gliding beside him. As he stumbled over raised roots and slammed his shoulders into trees as he ran, Lincoln struggled to pull open the cage. It's lock was strong, and the creature inside too terrified to move. Keeping an eye on the river to his left as he ran, the young man was surprised to see the strange rock creature dashing awkwardly beside him. He didn't really have time to think about why it was following as it bounded up and onto the cage. The sudden weight knocked him off balance and forced him to stagger to the side a couple steps as he sprinted. The strange creature's split seemed to widen, showing a deep maw of rotating gemstones. It was almost like staring into a mixture of a geode and a meat grinder. Several of these spinning stones jutted out, slamming against and slicing into the metal cage until several bars had been utterly mangled and ripped off.

The strange creature jumped off as they entered the clearing surrounding the now stable lakelette. Lowering Eve to the ground behind it, Lincoln reached into the cage and gently pulled the small ash and cream echidna esc creature from it. When he dropped the cage, he could hear the calling of the men in the trees behind him. The odd rock creature hopped over a fallen tree that was pressed against the cliff and disappeared behind it. Running after it he pushed Eve and this new creature into the hidden hole. It was slightly too small for him to fit, forcing the young man to dig furiously in order to slide into the crevice behind the others. No sooner had he slipped in and calmed himself, than the voices seemed to exclaim in surprise at the lake. The rushed language and bitter tones sounded like an argument, before the sounds of a more steady stroll through the woods began.

 

Re: A long morning(Simple)(Ready for grading)

Claiming (=

 

Re: A long morning(Simple)(Claimed by Smiles)

Story:

So that first paragraph welcomes us into quite a decent story! We've got a man stranded on an island somewhere. We don't know why. He's injured, and that's cool too. This first paragraph is perhaps on the side of too much description - there are multiple size comparisons that carry us away for a little bit. Taking a page from Elrond's grade for your previous story, there's also a confusion in word choice here as well. "Blaring" refers only to sound; I believe you meant the word "glaring" in that first sentence. So all this extra description (and a few typos too) distract us a little bit from the story, but that's ok! You've got the intrigue, the mystery, to begin a great story!

To smooth out your introduction a little better for next time, how about cutting down on that description a little bit and enhancing the few pieces of description that remain? Really great description simultaneously characterizes and describes. It's great because you can answer questions while creating more! For example, it's neat when Lincoln's looking at the two points left by Zubat's feeding on him in the second sentence. Here, you can either drop details about how he received those marks, and that would make a smooth transition from your last story. Or, for example, it would be neat to characterize that moment by explaining the pain Lincoln is in and the determination he has to find that water and move on. I think a really efficient way to practice writing is to keep writing, but write less: have fewer words say more. This can be crucial, I think, to determine if a reader will stick around and read what you've got or turn the page to a different story.

As far of the rest of this page, Lincoln immediately finds the water. We may want to be a little cautious about main characters quickly finding solutions to their predicaments - the challenge we've been hooked on is gone, and all we have is the mystery of why Lincoln is there or what he's doing. Also following up from Elrond's grade, I have to say that I too wanted more characterization here in terms of details that you give us us about his background. It's a little easy to give up about his story here and not care too much. Providing the details invests the reader in what's going on. Crafting a world in terms of these little background details can be a lot of fun, and I greatly encourage you to try that for the next story, especially if you are going for a higher ranked Pokemon within this same Lincoln universe.

The end encounter with the poachers was solid! But again, I think I would have enjoyed this section more if we knew a little more about why Lincoln was there in the first place. When you have a greater plot developing around strange men, an island of ~mysterious~ cages and other events, we really want our initial questions answered. You've withheld information from readers in the writing, like why anything is happening or who our main character is, and we keep reading on with the expectation that it will be answered. But withhold for too long and readers will stop reading, perhaps in frustration. Also, we'd like to know aspects of his character moving forward, such as the motivation of saving the rock creature when all he wanted in the first place was water.

Description:

Good job with the spatial descriptions! I really got a sense of what Lincoln was standing on or how far something was from him in this text. These are not easy aspects to write about, and it was refreshing to see the "feeling" sense described here pretty well!

For right now, I really encourage you to work on person descriptions. We know nothing of what Lincoln looks like. As a general expectation, we want all characters to receive some sort of description; if we have a main character or a main Pokemon, we need even a little more description than usual. This doesn't have to be given all at once, either! The point of the accents on the voices was the most distinct characterizing piece of description that stuck with me here. Dispersing description like that throughout about your main character will work wonders.

Also, awesome job creating your own words! We really like creativity here, and creating words is certainly a way to create the atmosphere that you want in your story!

Grammar:

A few issues here, but there's nothing you can't improve upon!

It's vs. Its

It's stands for the contraction "it is". Its stands as a possessive pronoun. This may sound a little dumb, but whenever you are confused, remember "it's" as having a bandaid, the apostrophe, that connects the words "it is" because the words had some sort of terrible accident in a lakelette and needed surgery!

^ all above would be "its"

thing / something

We're swinging back to word choice really quickly. Why describe a Pokemon as a thing, or a mysterious object as something? Is there a better word that could fit? I notice you use something or anything a lot, and I just think this is a nuance point that will surprisingly improve the writing.

Hyphens

Whenever you use two words, that function together as one adjective, a hyphen needs to go between the two separate words. Also another small nuance point, but also a bit important.

Comma Splices & Sentence Structure

Read your story out loud. Really! Whenever you naturally pause, that is where a comma goes. This is perhaps the easiest, catch-most-but-not-all way to hack away at sentence error mistakes. For example:

See? Neither sentence makes sense here, and by reading this out loud, we catch that and fix it quickly. You are also proofreading when you do this, so that serves to capture other typos and errors.

Comma splices happen when you join together two independent clauses with a comma. An independent clause contains a subject and a verb and can effectively stand on its own as a sentence. Why are they evil? There's a great debate about them being grammatically incorrect and run-on sentences and laksjdsfhdsf but really they're just a little uncomfortable here when we read them. Can take away from stylistic maturity, bump in the mental reading, etc.

The quick fix here is a period and a new sentence where the comma went. Use a semicolon to combine the two clauses only when they are directly relevant to each other.

Biggest take away - proofreading out loud! None of these are major issues some reading (out loud hehe) can't fix!

Length:

Hey hey, going over the MCR is totally fine! Really, it's more of a guideline than anything. A tipping point if the story is on the line between pass or fail, which certainly wasn't the case here! ^^

If you plan to continue adventures in Lincoln's universe, I really think the next story is a good point to start adding transitions and background information. Opening the story with a brief paragraph that summarizes washed up and weary as well as this story is a useful and considerate practice for making sure your readers don't get lost at the front door. If I didn't read the last story, I would know even less about what was happening here, and maybe wouldn't have read on. Adding transitions is also nice because you can add on clues, hints, characterizing details of Lincoln's own back story.

Outcome:

Well no surprises here! Roggenrola Captured! I tried to do a little more review than necessary cause I can tell that you like commentary, and you've got a great story in the mix here! Just remember: proofreading, proofreading, proofreading. Providing details, transitions, staying away from poisonous oceanius of splices. Good luck on the next story!