A Dream Start [Needs Grading]

It was a crisp autumn evening. The trees surrounding me were the most wonderful shade of gold, and the leaves underfoot crunched as I walked in rhythm: one, two, one, two. I whistled a slow melody over the birdsong of Taillow and Pidgey, and the cool breeze was refreshing on my hot, sweaty face.

I had been trekking around in the forest for ages, no memories of how I got were I was. Just a few wrong turns sent me deep into the heart of the forest. I had only basic supplies; a rucksack filled to the brim with a potion or two, a few savory snacks and drinks and a handful of Pokéballs.

That was my original quest, get just deep enough into the forest so I could catch a few Weedle or Caterpies, and then start my adventure as a Pokémon trainer. If the last day was how I would end up on my journey, miles away from home, I should just give up.

Memories come flooding back to me; I remember TV shows where people had been in the same scenario as me, alone in the forest, with barely any protection, before them being attacked by bears, or some other wild animals. I was just about to scream for help, but in my desperation I accidentally knocked something off of my belt. It was hard, so I naturally gave a small cry of pain, but when I looked down again, I saw just a half-open Pokéball and another fantastic sight – a Pikachu. The way it looked at me was familiar, a look of disgust. Everything came back to me; the knowledge of where I was, how to get back home, and of course, that my Pikachu shouldn't be left inside it's Pokéball – it detested them! I gave it an apologetic smile, and walked with it back the way I came. Surprisingly, it seemed to only take a small amount of time to get back onto familiar soil. I was still inside the forest, but there were some aspects of this part of the forest I remembered; the way one of the trees was decorated in pen and paint, depicting swears and slang.

I was just about to walk away, back to my warm house, but with no spoils for me efforts. It was that moment when I heard a soft rustling noise from behind me. I sharply turned, and the leaves were vibrating. I knew what this meant; a Pokémon must be underneath the leaves. I called Pikachu over to me, and that was when the mystery Pokémon made it's first move. A silvery jet of liquid blasted from a gap in between the leaves. To my horror, it struck my Pikachu in the foot, sticking it to the mossy floor. The poor electric-type struggled valiantly to escape, but just couldn't.

At that exact moment, a gust of wind blew the pile of leaves around in a beautiful spiral, revealing the Pokémon Pikachu was fighting.

“It's a Caterpie!” I explained, and I was correct. The shape, size and colours nearly perfectly matched with the ones I had seen In my encyclopedia at home.

I knew it was time to take action, so I ordered, “Pikachu, Thunderbolt!”

It gave a determined look, and was seemingly charging up it's power. I could feel a change in the atmosphere. Energy was being drawn towards the small mouse, and the wind picked up a little more power. But then, after all this suspense, Pikachu didn't deliver any power.

“Oh yeah!” I exclaimed, suddenly remembering what I learned in my Science class. “Pikachu is being grounded by the string shot, and it can't discharge it's energy! In that case, use Agility – maybe the increased speed can help you pull away from the sticky blob you're standing on.”

Pikachu gave another look – this time relaxed – as he calmed down, not wasting a single ounce of energy. It was then, he shot like a bolt in every single direction he possibly could. He was desperate to escape the substance he had become victim to.

Eventually, he freed himself. In joy, he leapt in the air, but during this time of unawareness, the Caterpie had time to do something completely unexpected. It launched itself at the Pikachu, landing on it's belly. It crawled up Pikachu at a rapid pace, before biting into it's chest area. Liquid oozed out of its mouth and into the cut it had made, temporarily weakening my Pokémon. He was in obvious distress, and needed attention immediately.

“Pikachu!” I cried in anguish, wanting to help it in any way possible. It was at that moment I remembered the potion in my bag. I rummaged through it's many pockets before finding a small spray clearly labeled “POTION”. I pulled the trigger and the liquid pumped out onto the wound the small bug had created. Miraculously, Pikachu got up and jumped into the air. Not in celebration this time, but preparing for victory. As he jumped, I got that same feeling of all energy being drawn into Pikachu, before it all being expelled at the worm Pokémon. There was no getting up after an attack like that. Quickly, I found a Pokéball and threw it gently at the Caterpie. It was a certiain capture. The ball wobbled once, twice, three times. Caterpie was captured. But then everything started to fade away...

It was morning. My alarm clock had just woken up, and I looked by my side to see if I could see my trusty Pikachu.

When it wasn't there, I began to panic, but then remembered that it was just a dream, and my real journey started today. Grabbing my supplies, I noticed that one Pokéball was heavier than the rest. Smiling to myself I dismissed this, but one question stayed in my head.

Was it a dream?

^^^

Going for: Catepie
Needed: 3000-5000
Chars: 5290

Notes: I tried to make it look different from a normal boy goes to a forest, etc. and I guess it was kind of rushed. All of this was planned the whole way through, and the ending was thought of after about 750 characters.

 

Claimed for grading.

 

Let's-a go!

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

We have first-person narration starting in a forest. You go for a lot of sensory description in the first paragraph. That's nice.

The protagonist is lost in a rather pleasant forest on his or her quest to find Pokemon and start a journey. Well, this should be interesting. It's probably going to be a find-and-befriend-unconventional Pokemon story, but the setting isn't bad at all.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

Well, there goes my plot prediction. You've got a Pikachu there and do a Pikachu-versus-Caterpie fight crossed with an it-was-all-a-dream.

I guess the beginning could be interpreted as the protagonist starting to lose his or her grip on sanity or memories as they spend too long staring at identical trees, such that they're surprised to see their own Pokemon.

It's not scintillatingly creative, but it's not a cookie-cutter story either. Either way, this is just a Caterpie capture. You can't write The Lord of the Rings in less than six thousand characters. It's fine and you're fine.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

Dialogue is not important to this story. The stuff you have is all right.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

This story has one-and-a-half protagonists.

Your main protagonist is the Trainer. He or she is inexperienced but well-read and has some trouble handling the wilderness.

The other half a protagonist is the Pikachu, who fights a lot but only exhibits a personality earlier on.

There's hints of a slightly dysfunctional or snarky relationship between the two. Pikachu doesn't respect this kid. You can only give the broadest mention of this kind of relationship because the story's so short. What you have works.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

"In" isn't necessary.

Multiple problems: misspelled "where," idiom trouble, possible comma splice.
Try instead: "I had been... for ages, no memories of how I'd gotten there."

"Potion" should be capitalized.

Default style is "Poke Balls." If you want to use a different style, remember to keep it consistent.

You need a colon after "quest."

Pick one plural form and stick with it. Default style is to have the plural be the same as the singular: "a few Weedle or Caterpie."

Default style is "Pokemon Trainer." You don't have to use it.

Messed-up grammar. Try:
"If this was how I was going to end up on my last day here, miles away..."

I think it should be "should just have given up."

Your story is written in past tense. Keep it consistent.

Drop that comma. Drop the comma after "bears" too.

Its/it's.
Its: the possessive form of "it." "I punched its face."
It's: the contraction of "it is." "It's funny but suicidal to punch Arceus in the face."

Reconsider the use of "warm." On a crisp autumn evening, it might or might not be cold enough to justify calling your house "warm." Try adjusting the details.

Arrrr! That be pirate talk!
Use "my" instead of "me." Try also "results" or "reward" instead of "spoils;" that word's a little awkward there.

You change subject mid-sentence. This necessitates either a semicolon or an edit:
"I sharply turned and saw that the leaves there were vibrating."

The sentences are closely related enough that you should use a full colon instead of a semicolon.

Its/it's.

Default style is "Electric-type," with capitalization.

You need a second comma. Also, "colours" is the British spelling. This is the first word I noticed in this story that has different American and English spellings, so it could go either way from here. I'll see.
Note: Okay, I didn't see any other such words. You're fine.

Obvious typo.

You can't really put "ordered" before a quote. It can go after, though:
I knew it was time to take action. "Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" I ordered.

No comma needed.
You shouldn't use "seemingly." It's unnecessarily soft.
Its/it's.

That might not be enough. At least say "electric mouse."

You shouldn't begin sentences with "but."

The capitalization isn't necessary.

Default style is capitalized.

Its/it's.
Also, if you're referring to the move, definitely capitalize it. It seems like a generic noun otherwise.

The protagonist goes from talking about Pikachu to talking to Pikachu in the same paragraph. You can't do that.

You have more commonly used "it" to refer to Pikachu.

No comma.

This should probably be "had had."

Again.

Ayup.

"It."

Default is capitalized.

Once more.
Also, "it" may seem to refer to "Potion." Use "the bag" instead.

Potions are described as spray-on medicines in the games and elsewhere. Use "sprayed" or "squirted" instead.

I see what you're doing here grammar-wise, but it looks a little off. Maybe if you remove the comma it'll look better.

"Certain."

"Had just woken me up."

"See" twice is redundant. Try "see if my trusty Pikachu was there."

It might be more proper to use pluperfect, since this story was in past tense: "Had it been a dream?"

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

We get a nice description of the forest at the beginning. Not bad.

The battle is pretty vivid at the beginning, but the last attack, the most important one, is a little shortchanged. Tell us just what Discharge did.

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

One problem: a rucksack "filled to the brim" is going to have more than just potions, drinks, and Poke Balls. The way you described it, there were only a few of each item, too.

You mention "bears or some other wild animals." This is an important chance for world-building.
Is this a world with both "dumb" animals and Pokemon? Then you should make the distinction: "bears, some other wild animals, or even hostile Pokemon."
If there are only Pokemon, then mention Pokemon instead: "Ursaring or some other wild Pokemon."

You mention a tree covered in pen and paint markings.
I don't think pens work on trees, especially ballpoints. Even permanent markers are too dark to really show up on wood unless it's a really light-colored tree like a birch or something. Paint, though... maybe also spray-paint. The great majority of graffiti is done with spray-paint.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Caterpie (EASIEST 3,000-5,000)
You: 5,287
No problem.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

A story of finding one's way (first in a forest, then in awakening) with a somewhat creative fight. It's not bad.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Capture successful. Like I said, not bad. Watch those its/it's issues and your use of pronouns. You have a few little creative bits throughout this story: losing one's memories, the use of String Shot against Electric-types, and stuff like that. When you write longer stories, make sure to develop them.