A Day At Lake Tranquil (Ready for Grading)

Pokemon attempting to capture: Magikarp
Status: Graded
Character's needed for capture: 3,000-5,000
Character's with spaces: 3,665

Author's note: This is my first Pokemon story, so please try to go easy on me=D

A Day At Lake Tranquil​

The only sound that could be heard were the sound of the bird's, as the sunlight streamed through the windows and into the room. He opened his eyes as he realised it was now the morning. Alan was feeling in the mood to go to the Lake of Tranquil, as it was a lovely day and it was a well known hotspot in the region for containing Water Pokemon.

Alan got out of bed and quickly got changed to go out, wearing jeans and a simple t-shirt and brushing his brown hair. He called out to his trusted companion, his Pokemon Pikachu. "Come along Pikachu, we are going out". "Pika, Pika" came Pikachu's reply, clearly very happy to be going on an adventure again.

They set out from his house in the large bustling town with Alan set for the journey with a bagpack which contained food and drink for him aswell as for his Pikachu and a tent large enough for him and Pikachu and they made their way out onto a winding lane and after a while they moved off of that onto a quite path occasionally passing other Pokemon that were about.

After a while Alan realised he was getting hungry and he noticed that Pikachu appeared to be hungry too, so he decided to stop and relax for a while. He and Pikachu both had some food which made them feel alot better. They then started off on the road again and after a long walk Alan finally saw that they had arrived at the Lake of Tranquil, which also had a wonderful forest nearby too.

He decided to go ahead and set up the tent and when that was done he decided to go for a nap after the long walk, Pikachu wasn't far away playing nearby. After a while Alan woke up and decided to go and so some fishing for some Water Pokemon. At first he wasn't having any luck as no Pokemon latched on to his super rod, but he did finally start to have some success, but it was always not the Pokemon he was wanting. The Pokemon he was wanting was a Magikarp. He knew it wasn't a particularly powerful Pokemon, but he knew it would eventually evolve into the fearsome Gyrados after it gained some valuable experience, so he was prepared to bide his time and wait.

He was starting to think about calling it a day when he started to feel something pulling on his super rod. He got very excited and struggled hard to keep hold of whatever was on his super rod. At last a fish flew out of the water and landed on the lakeside. Alan immediately recognised that it was a Magikarp, the Pokemon he was looking for.

Alan called over his Pikachu to battle the Magikarp, as he knew that one of the best ways to catch a Pokemon was to weaken it first. "Pikachu make sure it doesn't go anywhere, use Thunder Wave", Pikachu sent a surge of electrical energy which paralyzed the Magikarp, rendering it unable to go anywhere. Magikarp carried on flopping about while trying to do something which seemed to resemble a Splash Attack. Alan knew that he just had to weaken the Magikarp abit more and then he could attempt to capture it, "Pikachu try out your Thundershock!". "Pika, Pikachuu" Pikachu sent a strong force of electricity which hit Magikarp full on. Alan could see that the Magikarp was weak now so he used one of his pokeball's. The Magikarp disappeared into the ball, It wobbled once...It wobbled twice...It wobbled three times and then it stopped.

Alan waited for a moment, then when nothing else happened he went and picked up the pokeball which now contained his newly captured Magikarp. He was so happy to have finally got the pokemon he was after and set about raising it as soon as possible. He thanked his Pikachu for it's hard work and decided it was time to pack up and move on. He went on his way wondering what adventure lay around the corner.

 

I claim this story in the name of Alaskapigeon.

 

Intro: Your intro is pretty simple, but you're only trying for a Magikarp, so it's not a big deal. I do like how you described your main character. A lot of people forget to do that, but even just a simple description can reveal a lot about a character. good job.

Plot: Your plot is simple, like your intro. Kid goes to a lake with his Pikachu, catches a Magikarp, has his Pikachu beat the tar out of it, and throws a Pokeball. Not super original, but that's okay for easy Pokemon. You're good here.

Dialogue: Your dialogue was pretty choppy, interrupted your story's flow, and had a lot of grammatical errors which I've outlined below.

Grammar: Your grammar definitely needs some work.

This sentence is kind of weird:

It should be:

Since there are two different speakers here, this needs to be two paragraphs:

That should be:

As well is two words:

This entire paragraph is one sentence, with no commas:

It should be something like this:

Here's another paragraph that could benefit from some commas:

The rest of your story also needs more commas. Another thing I noticed, was that you keep saying the Lake of Tranquil. That's incorrect, because tranquil is an adjective. It's like if you called it the Lake of Blue. You could put Tranquil Lake, or you could put the Lake of Tranquility.

Also, this is wrong:

It should be:

You also spell Gyarados wrong:

That should be:

You have to practice your grammar, but a lot of people have trouble with it, so don't sweat it.


Detail: You did all right describing your character, and Lake Tranquil, but you made the same mistake most people make on their first story: You didn't describe the Pokemon. There are now over 500 Pokemon, so it's important to provide at least a brief description of the ones that are in your story. A good rule of thumb is to pretend like you're describing a Pokemon to someone who has never seen one before.

Length: You needed a minimum or 3k for a Magikarp, and you have 3.6k, so you're fine.

Reality: There was nothing about your story that didn't make sense, so you're good here.

Personal Feelings: Your story was a simple first story, and other than the grammar, I didn't see anything particularly wrong with it so...

Outcome: Magikarp...captured.

You REALLY need to work on your grammar, but that comes with pracitce. Ditto for describing Pokemon. In the meantime, here's your Magikarp.

 

Thanks for your feedback, I will take your comments on board for the next time i do a story=)