A Christmas M-Oric-le

"It was a bitter December morning in this little village I know. The wind was howling something fierce and snow covered the normally-green landscape as far as the eye could see! One house, in particular, was exceptionally cold. And dark. Very very dark. The only source of light couldn't even be seen from the outside, through the iced window panes. But, there was one little light for those inside the house, coming from a quickly-waning candle. The light would occasionally flicker when the two children spoke so they resorted to whispers. They wouldn't want to blow it out, ya know? Two pairs of shivering hands hovered as close to the source of heat as they dared. Their fingers were not as covered as you would like due to the ragged state of their gloves. Even though they had nothing, these children were happy."

"They were happy?" a little boy cried out incredulously.

"Oh, they couldn't be happier," his grandfather replied. His mouth was fixed in a smile and he looked so much younger when he recalled stories from his childhood. His eyes always took on this glossy out-of-focus look. Most children wouldn't notice that, but Fiachra was an attentive child. One who loved stories, especially when his grandfather was telling them. "It was Christmas Eve and myself and my sister and I... oh, you remember her, don't you?"

"Yes!" Fiachra grinned. "She brought us cookies last year, right Aby?"

Fiachra's teenage sister merely rolled her eyes and put her headphones back on. She never listened to their grandfather.

"Yes, she sure did. Aby always loved her baking. In fact, that was one of the reasons why we were in such good spirits. She was getting some baking soda from a market town not too far away from where we lived. She had written a letter to Santa, as had I of course, weeks in advance, so the pair of us could hardly sleep with anticipation!"

"You had Christmas back then?!" Fiachra could hardly believe it.

"Yes, yes, I know. Crazy to think I was a boy much like yourself at one point!" Fiachra's grandfather continued. "And this happened to be the longest night of our lives-"

"Isn't every night the same length?" Aby interjected.

"Alright, fine. Maybe it was just as long as any other night. Way to kill the atmosphere, sheesh! Anyway, where was I... Ah, yes, both myself and my sister didn't get so much as a wink of sleep between the both of us. But, eventually, Christmas morning came. And that candle gave one last flicker as the sunlight slowly seeped into the room, crawling along the carpet towards the Christmas tree. Not a fancy tree, mind you, but it did the job!" The old man gestured to the grandiose pine tree in the sitting room in which the three were residing.

"Out of nowhere came my father. To be honest, he looked rather startled to see us awake at that untimely hour so he hushed us off to the room that we shared. Still fearful of Santa, who hadn't managed to reach our house just yet, we darted into the room and bolted the door shut! We pressed our ears to the door, naturally. My sister, now, she didn't really hear anything, but I did. I heard the tiniest noise I had ever heard... It was barely more than a Pichu's squeak!"

"What did it say?" Fiachra's cheeks were glowing a lush rose colour. He hadn't been drinking wine, no, sure he was only a young boy. He was however sitting on a glorious Beartic skin rug right beside the hearth of the home.

"Well, it didn't say anything actually! It was more of a... squawk."

"What?! Like a bird?!"

"Bingo. It wasn't long before I dashed out of that room fast as a comet! In our kitchen, inside of a little wire cage sat the most beautiful bird I've ever seen. It was a brilliant yellow colour and maybe only two-feet tall but my God did it take up the whole room! It never was able to keep still, constantly hopping from one foot to another, if it wasn't flat out dancing! Oh, how I loved that bird. My sister, she got the baking powder she wanted, and she went on to cook many a pie with that little container! She even won th-"

"But, where did the bird come from, Grandad? I thought you said you were poor!" Fiachra couldn't contain himself. "Can I see it?!"

"Oh, uh... well, you see. My father traded some seeds to a traveling bird-keeper 'cause he knew how much I wanted a Pokemon. And the little Oricorio really fit right at home. Always so happy and cheerful. Cheered my poor sister right up when she was under the weather. Always chirping and mimicking our movements. I remember one time seeing the little fella hopping up the stairs behind me, trying to walk just how I was with its long scrawny legs. Quite the sight!"

"But... what ever happened to him, Grandad?" Fiachra pressed.

His grandfather didn't really know where to begin.

"Well, you know... time's were different back then. They were tough. Really tough, in fact. Some days it was so cold that we had to huddle together just to make it through the night. And we weren't a family of means by any stretch of the imagination, no... not at all. So, we, uh... well, my father... you know Pokemon need to eat too. For such a small little thing, the bird ate its weight in food every day. For a while we were able to buy some bread for it and bits and pieces, but then my father got the sack. Oh, they were a rough few months. So, we resorted to feeding it scraps from our dinners. Aby was so good at sharing the food she made with the poor creature, but the truth is... it just wasn't enough."

The old man's eyes glistened a little as he spoke. His voice was barely more than a whisper at this stage.

"Cut to the chase, Gramps! Long story short, they ate the bird!" Aby announced, rather smugly.

Fiachra's mouth dropped.

"Oh for Heaven's sake, Abigail! No, we did not eat the bird! It just started losing all its fire. The poor thing, trapped indoors all the time. It wasn't used to our climate either, and it was starving half to death! One day, when I came back from school, it just wasn't there. When I called out for the poor pet, I was greeted with silence as opposed to the usual excited chatter. I pressed my mother about it but she just wouldn't say anything. Always stern, she was; a product of her time, I suppose. Herself and my father did fight a lot after that point, so I always suspected he released it out into the wild. I'm sure he meant well, but honestly, I never really forgave him for it."

"But what happened to your Pokemon?"

"Oh, I'm sure it went on to live a full and happy life. I'm sure it found a lovely little female bird and raised a family with it."

"But don't you miss it, Grandad?" Fiachra was always so considerate.

"Terribly so for a while. But in time, I readjusted. I finished up my primary school education and went to work with my father at his new job, and before long I met your grandmother and then started a family. But yes, the love a trainer has for their first Pokemon is not one that ever goes. It's an incredible bond. Cherish it while you can."

"I can't wait to have a Pokemon! I know it's going to be the best and strongest... and maybe one day I'll even become the Champion! Even if it's not so strong, I won't care. I'll love it regardless forever."

"Oh, I know you will, lad." His grandfather smiled. "Merry Christmas."

And so, the night gradually drew to a close. Fiachra, much like his grandfather when he was a child, was hushed up to bed way past his usual bedtime. His grandfather tussled his mousey brown hair before giving the boy a warm embrace. The old man was a little shocked by how tight the boy was gripping onto him. He'd gotten so much stronger, and taller too, since they last saw each other.

Fiachra sure was growing up. Maybe he was old enough at this stage.

Shortly after, Aby went up to bed... but she was probably going to stay up all night texting, to be honest. There, the old man sat, gazing into the glowing fireplace, lost in his memories. The fire eventually burned out and the coals started to dull, but still, the man sat, reflecting on his years and the missed opportunity he had had with raising his first Pokemon. At some point in the night, he put on his penny coat and bowler hat and took off into the night. He had one last job to take care of.

Not long before Fiachra came bustling down the stairs and Aby sauntered down (seemingly indifferent to the thought of presents, but we knew better), the elderly man returned. Held by both hands and pressed against his chest, a rather large covered compartment was resting. After placing it by the tree, he peeked inside and made a hushing gesture by pressing the index finger of his left had to his lips. Whatever was inside seemed to understand though as the soft flapping and tapping noises had stopped immediately.

All of a sudden, Fiachra burst into the room. Aby was not far behind, however, and the pair of them dove on top of their presents and began tearing paper from the various gifts, taking turns showing each other what they had received. Grinning, Aby took her makeup kit and hopped over the wrappers. With her new laptop tucked between her forearm and elbow, she gave her grandfather a quick peck on the cheek and skirted up to her room. Fiachra looked up at his grandfather from the pile of toys and shreds of wrapping paper he was buried in and gave the man a wide grin. He ran over and promptly hugged his grandfather.

"Thank you so much, Grandad! This was the best Christmas ever! I got a set of official Kanto League gym badges, look! This one's called the cascade badge, and this one's the uh... I'm not sure but it's so cool, isn't it?"

"It sure is," his grandfather replied. "But, I think you're missing a gift," he finished, gesturing towards the covered cage just beside the tree.

"That big one's for me?!" Fiachra exclaimed. Before even waiting for a response, he tore off towards the cage and stopped abruptly. "Can I open it?" His eyes were big and bright - how could his grandfather refuse?

So Fiachra quickly realised, as he began to take off the packaging, that this gift was much more than all of his other gifts combined. Inside of the ice-cold metal bars, stood the most wonderful Pokemon Fiachra had ever seen. It was only about half the height of the boy, but it looked so much taller with its yellow feathered chest puffed out boldly. Instead of wings, this flying-type had large fluffy pom poms, which it raised immediately and began to shake. The Pokemon began to hop from one foot to the next, making chirping noises, cheering the boy on as he squealed in delight.

Fiachra opened up the cage and the Oricorio placed a tentative clawed foot on the carpet. After a bit of encouragement from Fiachra, the bird began to walk around the sitting room, cooing and cawing at everything that took its fancy. Fiachra was so engrossed by the Pokemon's behaviour and every time it did something slightly unexpected, such as staring at itself in the mirror with a cocked head and silly expression, Fiachra cheered the Pokemon on; this caused the Pokemon to cheer as well and soon the pair were giggling and marching throughout the house in unison.

Very quickly the pair became inseparable. As the holiday season drew to a close and Fiachra returned to school, the bond that had formed between the pair was stronger than ever. In the mornings, Oricorio would wake Fiachra up by tickling him with its pom-poms. When Fiachra tried to go back to sleep, the bird would always squawk loudly in his hear to get him up, which worked wonders. The pair would sit and watch cartoons with a bowl of cereal each. Aby would always tell them to grow up and watch something better, but Fiachra would always insist that Oricorio loved them too, so Aby stopped giving out to him so much.

When it was time to leave for school, he would give Oricorio a little petting-massage hybrid that the bird adored, rubbing its head affectionately against Fiachra's hands. When he was at school, the bird kept itself busy, or slept, but it was always so excited to see him return. They would spend the evenings together, and sometimes Oricorio tried to help Fiachra with his homework but that was generally not a great idea. Aby even warmed to the Pokemon, taking it to Zumba classes in the new year, where it impressed just about everyone with its slick moves.

As for the grandfather, well, not much changed, really. He moved back home when the children's parents returned from their skiing holiday. He didn't live too far away, but with his age, traveling wasn't always the easiest thing to do. The family were always so busy, too, with work and school and then all of the kid's hobbies... so the old man couldn't always visit. And, to be honest, that was alright with him.

The man had lead a good and successful life, but it wasn't without challenges along the way. Throughout his life, he had learned one nugget of wisdom: cherish the good moments while they last. He loved those kids dearly, but as he found himself sitting on his favourite rocking chair, in the comfort of his own home; with a glass of brandy in one hand, and a decent cigar in the other, he also remembered how much he appreciated the comfort of solitude.

Ohhhh, it's good to be back.

And so, as the kids played with their presents, and their parents got on with their lives, the old man too fell into routine. The days began to whistle past as Spring bled into Summer and shortly after, the leaves began to fall as Autumn approached. Before long, snow was tumbling down once more.

How the on earth am I gonna top last year's presents?!


--

Yes, I suck at ending stories.

Target Pokemon:



Rank: Hard --> Medium (story pass)
CC: 12,025

 

claiming! C=

 

@Synthesis;

Story:

Ah, you've got a charming beginning here to quite the cute story! Although we start off a bit slow with the grandfather's storytelling, you definitely sold the tone of holiday mirth and childhood wonder. This is a fine story with a normal progression, but I had a few questions. Firstly, what is the purpose of Aby in this story? Asking this question of all characters in stories is helpful, I think, in figuring out how to write out a certain theme or idea through characters. Aby is indifferent and older; was she supposed to act as a foil towards Fiachra? Was she supposed to serve as another parallel in the life of the grandfather and the grandson? I think thinking through that question would have been helpful in trying to connect her more to the actual story. As it was, I was left pondering what impact she was supposed to have on us as readers.

Following that, I was also confused about why you ended the story this way. The curt ending seemed non-comical and actually contradictory to the rest of the story because you spent so much time building up the character of the grandfather through his storytelling. This ending didn't work as a comical moment also because it contradicts that tone of joy and "yay Christmas woo!" In thinking about conclusions in general, I would recommend this: start by brainstorming how you can tie the introduction of the story back to the conclusion in some meaningful way. This doesn't necessarily mean that you must have that warm fuzzy feeling as presented in the beginning - but perhaps you elaborate on the parallel between the son and grandfather, or you show some sort of realization of the grandfather, or maybe the grandson grows up and tells a story of his own like this. You definitely don't have to do any of those, but I find that this type of brainstorming is helpful in crafting a completed feeling for the story.

Also, I very much enjoy the comedy that you do put in your stories! You definitely have a talented intuition for what is funny to people and it shines through in your stories! I think this creates many avenues for greatness in your stories that you should definitely capitalize upon in future stories. Whether you write a parody, satire, etc - I think you definitely have a lot of potential that I'd love to see! It worked a bit at odds here in this story, but I did love the moment when you called Fiachra out on *not* being drunk ;>

Description:

There was certainly effort to paint a picture here of the whole storytelling scene with the family! You did a fabulous job of describing not just the look of the Pokemon for the capture but also its momentum. I personally have never seen Oricorio before, so for you to give me a full sense of what this Pokemon is like through your storytelling is very cool and appreciated ^^

I had minor qualms with the rest of the description in this story, however. For one, we ever receive a full picture of Fiachra or his sister. I was more so sold of the "innocent young boy and bored sister" look, which felt a bit half-hearted. There were also moments where I read something and knew that you could have provided a stronger description, such as: "nice rose colour" and "tiniest and quietest." These are description that fit in fine for this rank, but I was expecting more just because I know you're much more creative and thoughtful than that. And also as a general exercise, experiment with taking the following words out of stories: nice, really, very. These are words that don't carry much weight and could be eliminated or replaced with stronger words in order to create stronger description.

Grammar:

ugh sad! This is where the story began to fall for me. I'm forgiving of a few errors, we are all human, but there was just some borderline wild stuff here that you could have easily caught with a proofread - ex: places where you began a quotation mark or parenthesis and then just didn't finish it. Or there's a time when the grandfather calls his sister Aby too and this confused me - is she also Aby, or is this just an error? "Hear and age" at certain moments should be "ear" and "cage" as well as moments where you miss a period. Slightly irked because they are such small errors that actually end up making a big difference when there are so many over the span of a short piece...

A slight issue with tenses:

Consistency is good for tenses in stories because it prevents an accidental jarring effect for the reader. I'm a fan of present tense myself, but most people will find it easier to go for the past tense, as the first example above. The past tense becomes especially helpful in eliminating passive voice issues, which are what appear in the secondary example. You provide more agency in the text when you write "cheeks glowed, he sat," opposed to having that awkward to-be middle man verb there.

Length:

a bit on the shorter side, even with the story pass? ;x

Outcome:

Not entirely comfortable with passing this, so I'll have to say Oricorio not captured for now :x just barely! You have a delightful story here filled with mirth, but the slight inconsistencies, combined with what felt like a lack of editing, threw me for a loop here. I hopefully provided you with advice that will be helpful moreso in future stories, but for this story, attempt to accomplish the following: clarify the conclusion for us, provide more description for our main characters, and iron out the grammatical errors. These should be quick fixes, and once accomplished, please let me know and I'll give you a regrade right quick!

 

@Smiles ; Thanks so much for the feedback! I didn't quite realise how many typos and grammatical errors there were (and, yes there were a lot omg), but they should all be tidied up now. Major changes I put in red, which I hope helps resolve the story a little better with a hint of humour... maybe. As for Aby, I was trying to have her as like a contrast to the wonderful happy family Christmas tale just to kinda keep it more grounded but on reading back it came across as kinda out-of-place and jarring, tbh. Anyway, let me know what ya think, and I'll try go for some satirical pieces in future

 

@Synthesis;

AHHH thank you so much for the major improvements! Combed through the story and couldn't find even one grammatical error Also, the ending flows much smoother now - I think you did a wondrous job of combining your sense of humor with more thinking. Definitely gave the ending a much more refined sense, and a bit of lol - what a great granddad! And I see what you're saying about Aby ^^ Anyway...

ORICORIO CAPTURED!! Enjoy you Pokemon and the holiday season~! You have a wonderful talent to tell stories and I hope you continue!