Thread: PE2K WARS [2005 Winter Story Competition Winner]

INTRODUCTION

By Harry's request, I'm posting a very old (11 years old in fact, we still used the word "pwn" back then!) URPG Story Contest winning entry that features madcap mayhem, goofy PE2K members, and cheesy-pizza comedy and catastrophe. Also, thank Google cache, as this story was on the brink of being lost forever, but I'm now able to repost it for future IQ loss.

You probably won't recognize most of the characters in this story, but they were all PE2K members (including me as Neo Pikachu, back before they conceived the awesomeness known as Emolga!) So here's to memories, mayhem, and maniacal madness. Cheers.

WARNING:
Neo Pikachu is being legally held responsible for:

PE2K WARS

If your name happens to appear in this story (very likely will) and you feel offended by some of the material presented, or feel it is malicious in any way, cOmPlAiN tO sOmEoNe WhO cArEs!!!

Chapter 1: Hardcore Ditty of ESPN's Half Time Report

Sitting at his computer console aboard the Starship Enterprise was none other than the ingenious Harry Kim, moving his mouse left and right and clicking furiously while his eyes were set on the screen. His other hand was pressing keys all over his keyboard in an insane rage.

“NOOO!!!!” He screamed, shoving the mouse forward and banging his fist on the table.

Bron suddenly enters, wearing his tuxedo with a martini in his hand.

“What’s the matter, losing at Counter Strike again, Harry?” Bron asked, almost finding it amusing.

“No…” Harry replied, grabbing a jelly donut and taking a bite of frustration out of it.

“Halo?” Bron asked, sipping his martini.

“No…”

“Half Life?”

“No…”

“Okay, I give up.” Bron replied, looking at Harry, “Just what are you losing at?”

There was silence…

“Solitaire...” Harry replied, “Microsoft’s cruelest invention. That does it! We’re switching all the onboard computers to Apples! Nah ha ha! What are you going to do now, Bill Gates!?”

“So what if the Starship Enterprise is no longer his customer?” Bron shrugged, “He’s got so many millions more…”

“Not if I can do something about it.” Harry replied, tearing another bite out of his donut, “I got it! We’ll head for their headquarters, and demand the instant removal of Solitaire from all Windows operating systems! And while we’re at it, we’ll get rid of that hideously frustrating Minesweeper game as well! I’m sure they use that game as an ingenious form of torture in some South-west Asian country!”

“I never could get past the expert mode…” Bron recalled, thinking to himself for a moment.

“Well, neither could I.” Harry replied, grabbing a can of Pepsi and guzzling it furiously, “But that’s just my point! I swear the mines moved around just when you were about to click one of those gray squares!”

Just then, Harry brushed away the thumbtacks, Better Homes and Gardens magazines, the pumpkin pie box, the cell phone with the annoying I Love Lucy theme for a ringer, the Green Bay Packers football helmet and the half eaten box of marzipan off his desk and then pressed the shiny red button that was finally revealed underneath. Suddenly, an alarm went off, one that sounded very similar to the one used in that movie with John Candy, the Schwartz thing and… yeah you know the one I’m talking about.

“To your battle stations, crew!” Harry shouted, his voice booming all over the space vessel, “We’re headed for silicon valley! Time to put you away, Gates. For good!”

“You know…” Bron told Harry, putting aside his martini, “You could always play Oregon Trail if you’re…”

“Battle stations, soldier!” Harry shouted at Bron, quickly interrupting him, “Or you’ll get extra duty with a 30% reduction in glazed, chocolate, and powdered donuts.”

“But sir…” Bron protested.

“And no apple fritters either!” Harry shouted, “That’s an order, soldier!”

“Yes sir!” Bron replied and saluted quickly before turning to his side and then heading to his computer console.

Shortly after the crew had arrived, Harry quickly performed a quick head count and system check.

“Ace, status report our weapons control!” Harry shouted to the left side of the room.

“The Egg launchers are ready and waiting sir.” Ace replied, taking a sip of his Tall sized Vanilla Latte, “Just give me the ring and we’ll make them look worse than The White House on Mischief Night. And the flamers are ready anytime, just let me know and I’ll let Fat Harvey turn on the gas.”

“Heh heh, death via flaming fart.” Harry snickered, “Cat, what about shields?”

“The Ultra Turbo Mega Giga Shield of Fancy Shiny and Sparkly White Light is up and operational.” Catriona replied before taking a sip from her chocolate milkshake.

“What about rations, Bron?” Harry asked another side of the room.

“We have enough Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kremes to last us approximately 14 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes and 29 seconds and counting.” Bron replied, looking at his monitor, “That’s as long as everyone limits themselves to five donuts and two lattes a day.”

“Will do, Major!” Harry Kim replied, “Are we ready for Lightspeed!?”

“Ready and waiting, sir.” Satou replied, looking at her hand of cards while playing a game of poker with Steven, Finch, the mysterious Ninja Emperor, his son, his two nephews, John Travolta, the Kool-Aid Man, Bob Barker, and the entire Adams Family.

“Then off we go!” Harry Kim shouted with glee, “Engage!”

Then, Satou took three seconds of her time to press the initiate button before returning to the poker game, and then the Starship Enterprise suddenly took off, heading toward Silicon Valley, straight for Microsoft’s headquarters.

But then, suddenly out of the blue, an explosion blasted out, and the Starship Enterprise was rocked from the tremor. Ace fell out of his chair, Harry’s face slammed right into his latte, and Bron quickly lost at Snake as his cell phone flew out of his hand. Instantly, every computer screen was flashing, and then Harry’s Solitaire game was quickly replaced with a “Warning, this program has performed an illegal action and will be shut down” window.

“What happened!?” Harry asked with creamy latte dripping down his face.

“Someone set up us the bomb.” Bron replied as he looked at his flashing computer screen with the laughing skull on it.

“We get signal.” Ace replied, seeing a new AIM message from “DarkLordKamon” came up on his computer.

“What!” Harry asked, finishing off his jelly donut.

“Main Screen turn on.” Ace confirmed, turning on the main holographic image display.

Suddenly, the imposing image of the Dark Lord Kamon had appeared, with his fiery red hair, dark eyes, black jacket, and a sinister smile on his face had appeared in the hologram.

“It’s you!” Harry shouted though a bullhorn, recognizing Dark Lord Kamon.

“How are you gentlemen!?” Kamon asked, smiling at the frantic Team Trainer, “All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.”

“What you say?” Harry asked while trying to click all the X buttons on every one of the five pop up ads on his computer screen.

“You have no chance to survive make your time.” Kamon replied with a dark smile, “Ha ha ha!”

Just then, the holographic image of Dark Lord Kamon had faded, and the main computer turned off. And then, suddenly, all the computers started flashing “All your base are belong to us!” in orange and yellow and started playing the Benny Hill theme music.

“Team Nox will pay for this!” Harry shouted in anger, “Once I have them at my mercy, they’ll be the ones to deliver pizza to my front door from now on! And I’ll only give them a 10% tip!”

“Awesome!” Ace shouted in glee.

“What!?” Harry asked, looking over to Ace.

“I just saved hundreds on my car insurance by switching to Geico!”

Chapter 2: Attention K-Mart Shoppers: There’s A Sale In Aisle 5

Harry Kim was in fury. The Open Tray button of his DVD player broke with the Super Mario Bros: The Movie DVD still stuck inside, his Cable TV subscription ended, his latte was all over his face after losing to a computer in Solitaire and… oh yes, he was attacked by Team Nox.

“If time is money…” Harry shouted, “Then I want a full refund!”

“We will get back at Nox!” Bron shouted in anger, “Ha, we’ll make them do all the dirty work for us! I’ll never have to wash dishes, fetch the TV remote, go shopping, or dye my hair red myself ever again!”

“I blame all my calamites on Nox!” Dratini shouted, growing angrier by the minute, “It’s all Nox’s fault that Barky doesn’t eat his dog biscuits!”

“But Barky is a goldfish!” Satou reminded her.

“It’s all Nox’s fault that I could never beat Yoshi’s Story.” Ace shouted loudly, “They made it too darn hard!”

“Yeah, and they’re the ones responsible for leaving turd in every toilet in the men’s bathroom!”

“They made me leave my car door open!”

“I hate you Nox for stealing my last Post-it note!”

“My floor creaks thanks to Nox!”

And then, Harry Kim himself stepped up.

“It’s Nox’s fault…” He said in a firm voice, “That I lost at Solitaire…”

Suddenly, everyone gasped and looked at Harry Kim with open eyes. The flies stopped flying, the chickens stop clucking, the computers stopped popping up with unidentified system errors, the SUVs stopped guzzling gas, the Webster’s Dictionary stopping making sense, and Google searches were suddenly limited to only “John,” “lobsters,” and “The Gong Show.”

“Harry… it’s… just…” Dratini wanted to say, but had difficulty doing so.

“Unconscionable.” Harry Kim stated.

[dramatic chord]

“What are we going to do now?” Bron asked, taking a bite out of a glazed donut.

“I have just the plan.” Harry Kim stated, looking up, “We must gather the three Legendary Artifacts of Divine PE2K, and use them to defeat Nox. After they have become our slaves, we’ll make them do all our chores, homework, our exams, and of course, our laundry.”

“Just what are these legendary artifacts?” Ace asked, closing two more pop ups on his computer.

“They represent power, dominance, and chaos.” Harry Kim continued, “We need to find the sacred runes of 1337, PWN, and WTF.”

“Aye aye, Captain!” Finch shouted, breaking out in song, “Ohhhhhhh… who lives in a pineapple under the…”

“Don’t start…” Harry Kim interrupted him in a firm tone.

Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch

Gathered around a peaceful campfire in the quiet, dark forest were the many members of the wickedly evil Team Nox. Kamon had begun whistling to himself while a mischievous Pikachu named DP was furiously playing with his Nintendo DS. Seconds later, the whole thing had to be shut down after the stylus pen was stabbed furiously into the lower screen.

“I can’t put in my full name!” Dark Pikachu shouted, furious at the hand held device.

But, no one paid attention. While DP was throwing a fit, the Vice President of Nox, Neo Pikachu had a small smile on his face while he slowly roasted a white marshmallow at the end of the stick he was holding.

“Shall we sing Kumbaya and remember the happy times?” Neo asked, feeling the gentle breeze from the evening wind.

“Yes, that sounds like it would make me most content.” Matthew replied, roasting his own marshmallow.

“And after we do that,” PaperFairy continued, “We will read inspiring poetry by Robert Frost and sing Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkle.”

But suddenly, there was a loud and most violent bang. Everyone was shocked and stood up, and suddenly 8 marshmallows suddenly became ash as they were instantly dropped in the fire. All the Nox members looked around, and suddenly they caught sight of several approaching figures.

“Ah, well if it isn’t the little Noxians on their little retreat…” One dark figure said, looking at them all around the campfire.

“And who the bloody heck are you!?” Kamon asked, glaring at the shadow, “Careful, I have ketchup and mustard, and I’m not afraid to use them!”

And then, the three figures suddenly emerged from the darkness. One of them was a wee leprechaun named Jack, while the second was a man named Fair that looked very surprisingly like the presidential candidate Bob Dole with his companion, a Porygon 2 named Curtis.

“Ugh, not you again…” Neo replied, looking down and realizing who it was.

“Oh yes.” Jack laughed, “And if ye think ye wee ketchup is going to have effect on I, ye be dead wrong!”

“Word to your mothers, gentlemen!” Fair shouted with a bright smile, holding a giant keg of vanilla frosting and a hose to shoot it out with, “Team Elite is going to bake you all into a giant vanilla cake and then send you to Djibouti third class!”

“Not if I can help it!” Marco shouted, pulling out a large tray of lasagna, “Behold, my mastery of wielding messy Italian fare!”

“Alas!” Shouted PaperFairy, pulling out another Italian dish, “For it is great tortellini that will make you untidy before those of the upper class!”

“Ah, tres bien, mes bon amis!” Neo Pikachu shouted, pulling out his own dish and speaking in a French accent, “For it is ze art of wielding ze great zucchini that will make you look like scrubby pigs!”

“Ah ha!” Shouted Dark Pikachu, grabbing his own plate, “For I am the king of the world with the power of my chicken fajitas, guacamole, sour cream, and refried beans!”

Suddenly, everyone in Nox looked at Dark Pikachu with annoyance.

“DP, you were supposed to think Italian, not Mexican.” Kamon told him, looking disappointed, “But, I guess I’ll make an exception since your plate is messy enough.”

Then, Team Nox and Team Elite stared each other down. All that could be heard were the crickets chirping in the moonlight.

“TO BATTLE!!!” Everyone shouted at once.

Both sides charged at each other, with Nox using the strategic force of Italian food while Elite was equipped with the awesome power of evening dessert.

“Ha ha!” Dark Pikachu shouted, launching his messy Mexican dish into Fair’s face, “And I voted for Bill Clinton in the 1996 election!”

“He he!” Laughed Jack, throwing a massive, fifty pound chocolate cake into Dark Pikachu’s body, slamming into him and sending him flying backwards with the cake, “And me spend all me day beatin’ thee wee little Pikachus in Pokémon Clover Green!”

“Ho ho!” Shouted PaperFairy as he slam dunked his tortellini dish on Jack’s head, “Who’s got your Lucky Charms now!?”

The dark and violent battle waged for nearly an hour. Team Elite was pummeled hard with the arcane power of Italian fare, while Team Nox found themselves knee-deep in a giant pile of messy and cold dessert. After much toil, Team Nox had given up, having been covered from head to toe with a dessert disaster.

“Na ha ha!” Fair laughed at Nox’s misery, “You must never forget that Team Elite will always pwn j00!”

And then, the three of them walked off into the distance, laughing with good cheer. Meanwhile, Team Nox stood in the pile of dessert, frowning with their bodies dripping with messy ice cream and cake, and very displeased…

“Someone’s swearing, Lord…” Neo Pikachu sung in a quiet voice, “…Kumbaya…”

Chamber 3: Call Now! Operators Are Standing By!

At the head of a black grand piano on stage was none other than the mad scientist Rust, dressed in a tuxedo and playing Beethoven’s fifth symphony while TMTS was on saxophone, trying to represent the flutes. Meanwhile, all the other parts were ignored, since they were the only ones on stage.

Only halfway through the symphony did Rust finally give up and realize he needed a bigger orchestra, for the tiny one he had now was getting nowhere near toward getting the real thing down. To him, it sounded more like crappy jazz by an under-funded high school band.

“Blast!” Rust shouted in frustration, slamming his hands down on the piano keys and making the most god awful sound possible, “How the bloody heck am I going to simulate an orchestra with only two people!?”

“Well, you could always make robots to do it.” TMTS shrugged, “After all, you are supposed to be an evil genius.”

“Right…” Rust laughed, “That would be all fine and peachy if robots actually knew how to play a woodwind instrument. They can’t blow, remember!?”

“Good point…” TMTS replied in dismay, looking away.

Rust tapped his foot. Then he tapped it harder. Then he tapped it faster and harder like a jackhammer with a spasm.

“OKAY!!!” TMTS screamed in anguish from the insane tapping, throwing the saxophone into the empty audience chairs in agony, “I get the point! But where on the planet are we going to find other people to fulfill the other positions!?”

Rust began to think. Robots wouldn’t do, neither would the drones, for they were too small. The giant ant in the backyard wouldn’t be able to do it either, and certainly not the mutant clones, for they were far too stupid. Rust shuddered after remembering he had to still get that rake out of one of their brains.

“Comcast!” Rust shouted in agony, using the company’s name as his very own swear word, “Nothing I have will work! There’s no one to…”

And suddenly, Rust had been overcome with an idea, and then he gave a very sinister smile.

“Wait a minute…” Rust smiled, “That’s right! I forgot about the TMA! I’ll make them my very own mind slaves, and they will have to finish the symphony along with me! Ha ha! It’s genius! It’s genius I say!”

“Anyone could have thought of that…” TMTS replied, rolling his eyes.

“Not just anyone!” Rust laughed, “To the submarine! Victory is ours!”

“I should have stayed on welfare…” TMTS said to himself, looking off to the side.

Random Location 42.128.2974

In the front of the room was a brick fireplace with a warm and gentle fire. Besides it was a glittering and glowing Christmas tree and just under the tree was a massive pile of beautifully wrapped presents. Off to the left was a lovely nativity scene, and all along the fireplace mantle was a series of bright blinking lights. Outside, it was snowing peacefully, creating the perfect winter scene.

“Uhh…” Kenny asked, looking to his left and right, “Isn’t it a little late for this?”

“Nonsense!” The muscular battle hero ElimN8 told him, “I didn’t get what I wanted last Christmas, so we’re going to have to do it again and again until I finally get it!”

“But um…” JIG replied, feeling a bit hesitant, “You never had a Christmas list in the first place. What exactly do you want?”

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Everyone looked to where it came from, and Kenny just shrugged.

“I’ll go see who it is.” Kenny replied, heading toward the door.

Then, in the wink of an eye, the door was smashed down, the window was shattered, and suddenly, the members of Team Triblade infiltrated the house, dressed in SWAT uniforms with cute pink bows on their black helmets, each of them armed with a Super Soaker 450 filled with a mixture of Mountain Dew and iced tea.

“I knew it!” JT shouted in glee, his voice muffled behind his gas mask, “See, didn’t I tell you TMA lived on 724 Waccoberry Lane!? I was right! See, wasn’t I right!?”

“Yes yes…” Raddstealth replied, nodding his head and rolling his eyes, “You were right…”

“Ha, beat that, Tamer!” JT laughed, “And you said they lived on Witty Heckon’s feet in Mew Fork!”

“No,” Tamer corrected, “I said they lived on Thirty Second Street in New York.”

“But you were still wrong anyway!” JT laughed in glee.

“Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?” Phoenix asked, feeling a bit hot in his SWAT suit, “A new episode of Family Guy is on, and if I miss that, there’s going to be hell to pay.”

“You know…” Kenny stated, looking at the oddly dressed Team Triblade members, “Just what the heck are you guys here for?”

Suddenly, there was silence. JT shrugged and looked around, and then Tamer looked to Raddstealth, waiting for him to say something. Phoenix was tapping his foot in impatience, and Vellyvell was getting an itchy trigger finger on his super soaker.

“Uhh…” Tamer said in hesitation, “Just what did we plan on doing once we got here anyway?”

Suddenly, Raddstealth had reached into his pocket, and unwrapped a piece of paper. He then quickly read it:

1. Find TMA
2. Infiltrate their headquarters
3. Proceed to mak…

“Holy crap!” He shouted in shock, “I forgot to finish the third step!”

Suddenly, every one of the members of Triblade started looking at each other, totally freaked out that they didn’t even know what to do. Phoenix shrugged, JT looked at the starry sky, Vellyvell was busy trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue despite the visor cover on his helmet, Tamer was making a snow angel, and FlyHighLatias was busy cooking a Cup of Soup with a cigarette lighter.

“I’m cold.” JIG said softly, breaking the long silence, “There’s been a draft coming through the window ever since you broke it.”

Raddstealth looked around in confusion, and then he looked back into JIG’s eyes. Having forgotten about everything else, he suddenly felt bad for bashing the window in.

“I’m sorry…” Raddstealth replied with a frown on his face, looking the situation over.

Then, he looked around for a solution. After spotting a vacant FedEx truck, he quickly broke open the back doors, stole a whole slew of white packages, ripped them open like a feverish maniac and used the cardboard to patch up the hole.

“Here.” Kenny told Team Triblade, “Why don’t you come in and keep yourselves warm?”

“Why that sounds like a fantastic idea!” Vellyvell shouted in glee, trying to see through his visor which was covered in spit.

“Could I use your microwave too?” FlyHighLatias asked, saying to hell with the cigarette lighter.

“Yes, yes!” ElimN8 greeted them, “Come one, come all! There’s plenty for everyone!”

Quickly, everyone from Team Triblade quickly entered the house of TMA, and they gathered by the Christmas tree. After Kenny leaned the broken door against the front opening, he then joined the rest of the crew.

“I’m still cold…” JIG said, shivering a bit.

“I know!” Phoenix shouted in utter happiness, “Let’s have a wonderful Luau party! It won’t seem so cold then if we’re all dancing in grass skirts and wearing goofy shirts littered with colorful flowers!”

Everyone gasped in delight.

“Great idea!” Vellyvell shouted in utter happiness, “I’m tried of this stupid and nasty helmet anyway!”

“Ah, I can’t believe my ears!” Kenny shouted in utter happiness, “This will make my life most complete.”

“Well, well, well, what are we waiting for then!?” ElimN8 shouted in utter happiness, “Let’s get started, shall we!?

Then, ElimN8 quickly pulled out a remote control, and then he pressed a very glossy, shiny, and lovely red button of doom. Instantly, the house was covered by a shell of steel, the windows were locked down with vault security doors, the front door was instantly surrounded by metal grates, and all the plastic pink flamingos on the front lawn suddenly became ugly bulldogs.

“Can you say screwed!?” ElimN8 laughed in delight, “Why yes, yes you can!”

Chapter 4: I Press The Reset Button When I Reach The Last Boss For Infinite Replay Value!

“Hello.” A mysterious Delibird says peacefully to you, brushing away the series of red curtains to make room, “I’m Vex. You might remember me from such films such as “Oh My, The Toilet’s On Fire” and “KTHXBYE.”

He looks at you with his bright white eyes.

“You know,” He continues, “I just wanted to say that we should all get along and be friends here at Pokémon Elite 2000. We’ve come a long way together. We remember the post wars, the adrenaline chats, the wacky and random RPing in other threads than RP, and most of all, our fun and overly addicting pastime, the URPG: Umpires Rock Pizza Grill.”

[fade in cheerful violin and piano music!]

“And that’s why we should all be caring for each other. We need love, higher post counts, wacky Lookie contests, and most of all, we need…”

“Hold it right there!” A squeaky and nasty voice shouts out.

Vex turns to his right. Suddenly, a mean and nasty looking Cerebii comes onto the stage.

[terrible loud grunge rock]

“Ha! Ha!” The Cerebii laughs in a squeaky gangster voice, “You and your forums! Wah ha ha! You’ll never outmatch mine! My forum has double your members, raced around your teeny post count, and ha ha, I’ve got a whole team of mods to keep up our fantastic rate of banning someone each and every 2.49 seconds!”

Vex looks at the Cerebii, and shakes his head.

“Ah, but our community is so much more friendly.” Vex smiles, “We are happy Pokémon fans who believe in the power of free speech.”

“Yeah, yeah, cut the whack crap.” The Cerebii snarls, “You and your “wars” and your oh so precious Ugly Rats Play Golf.”

[Audience gasps]

“You dare to insult the mighty URPG!?” Vex asks, looking at the Cerebii with a wide stare.

“Ah, so what if I do…?” The Cerebii smiles, taunting Vex.

“That’s it!” Vex shouts, “You’re going down, big time!”

Vex pulls out the Legendary Minigun of Fiery, Chaotic and Painful Doom, and then the Cerebii counters with a green flat stick.

“Fear the power of peppermint gum!” The Cerebii shouts.

“Die, hostile spawn!” Vex laughs, firing the massive and hulking gattling gun at the little green Cerebii, “WORD TO YOUR MOTHERS!!!”

[Warning: the following scene is being censored for depictions of graphic violence and depictions of blood, skin, gore, and bone.]

And now for something completely different…

Chapter 5: Maybe I’ll Try Both Barbecue And Sweet And Sour Sauce At The Same Time!

“We did it!” The wonderful Harry Kim shouted out with glee, “We have found the legendary rune of 1337!”

“Never thought we’d find it here…” A Totodile named Rachel replied, looking at all the casinos around her.

“Uhh… yeah…” Shoomish replied, looking around, “Exactly why did the ancient Hax0r tribe leave the 1337 rune in a Wendy’s French fry container in the middle of Las Vegas?”

Suddenly, there was silence. No one knew the answer…

“Well…” Harry tried to explain, but was having little success, “The 1337 rune was supposedly their best kept secret. I bet no one would ever think of looking here!”

“Then I’m not even going to ask what exactly directed us to this point…” Bron added, rolling his eyes at the lunacy.

Then, Harry put on his jungle explorer hat, pulled out a battered map, and looked at it with a big magnifying glass.

“It says here we’re supposed to look in a place that “sounds like a flying insect, squished by plastic, in a place of noise, all the way in Burbank on Fetty Fett Fett Street.” Harry Kim continued, reading off the map.

“Are you kidding!?” Matt asked, thinking it was so easy, “I know just the place! Vulpix, lead the way!”

Quickly, Matt’s Vulpix cheered and began running. Everyone from Team Trainer quickly followed the tiny Vulpix as it raced through the frantic streets of Las Vegas.

5 Days Later, on Fetty Fett Fett Street

Vulpix was cheerful. Harry was tried. Bron was sleeping. Ace was playing Parcheesi with Dark Lord Sauron and Captain Crunch. Telemarketers were calling everyone and were harassed by the CIA. Pepsi Blue suddenly became the only consumable beverage, forcing everyone to have to live off of it. America spontaneously adopted Cricket as a national sport, and we no longer need the telephone to order pizza, as Dominos is now accepting telepathy as an appropriate means of placing an order.

“Are… we… there… yet…?” the mysterious Ninja Emperor asked, looking at Vulpix like a zombie, “I need… a… refill… of… Pepsi… waiter… for the… fifteenth… time…”

“Vulpix!” Matt’s Vulpix cheered happily, looking up and pointing to “Fat Happy Sally’s CD Emporium.”

“We’re here!” Matt shouted, just as enthusiastic as his Vulpix was, “We need to hurry inside!”

After some moaning and groaning, Team Trainer finally trudged their way into the record shop, and Vulpix led them right to where the rune of PWN was, wedged between two CD’s of the Bee Jee’s.

“See?” Matt asked his fellow teammates, “No one would have thought of looking here!”

“Yippe…” Harry said sarcastically, before crashing on his behind and falling right back to sleep again.

“I wanna to be sedated…” Satou replied, “Na no da…”

Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch

“I’m getting sticky…” Marco said in a soft voice, still standing in the dessert.

“You know…” Captain Charisma stated, looking around, “Why didn’t we just get out of this mess and clean ourselves right away after the fight?”

There was silence.

“That would be all fine and dandy if there was a nice little bathroom in the middle of the forest.” Kamon replied, seeing that was far from possible, “But there isn’t. Plus, the only way home is by driving in my red Ferrari, Neo Pikachu’s black Lamborghini, and Matthew’s white Porsche. Would you want to mess up all those cars with all the crap that’s on us right now?”

“Good point.” Captain Charisma replied, looking up at the moon, “But, what are we going to wait for then? Rain?”

“Hopefully yes…” Thanatos replied, looking at the clouds, “But there hasn’t been anything for the past five days…”

Suddenly, Thanatos felt a drop on his nose. Then, as if it were a miracle, it had begun raining!

“Yippie!” Dark Pikachu rejoiced, washing all the dessert off, “Time to get our revenge on that goofy Team Elite!”

Immediately, after washing off the dessert, they headed for the cars. By Kamon’s Ferrari was a white slip of paper, tucked in by the windshield wiper.

“WHAT!?” Kamon shouted in shock, “How the hell did I get a parking ticket in the middle of the forest!?!?”

Matthew had taken the slip of paper, unfolded it, and read it out loud.

“Wha ha ha!” Matthew said as he read the note, “If ye ever want to claim ye dignity again, come down to the McDonald’s on Wickety Street if ye think ye are brave enough to fight us!”

“Signed Team Elite.” Matthew finished, crumpling up the piece of paper.

“That does it!” Kamon shouted, “We’re going to prove to those little misfits that Team Nox dominates all with the power of Italian food!”

“Hear! Hear!” Captain Charisma shouted, raising a glass of wine, “Let’s go nail those misfits once and for all!”

“I call shotgun!” Dark Pikachu called out, racing to the cars.

Chapter 6: Cut the Wire, Your Pants Are On Fire!

For the past five days, Team Triblade was tortured by the TMA by having to watch the movie “Catwoman” again and again, forced to eat Fancy Feast to survive the long horror, all while sitting on old, rotting magazines of Newsweek.

“I can’t take it anymore!” JT shouted, throwing his can of Fancy Feast, “What the hell did we ever do to you!?”

“Ah, it will all settle in.” Kenny smiled peevishly, “Next week we’ll be showing Scary Movie 3, so you can’t complain that you don’t get variety!”

“NOOOOOOO!!!!” Vellyvell screamed, trying to escape.

Suddenly, there was a massive explosion just outside the house. The metal shielding suddenly fell off, and then the house was exposed. Then, out from the sky, something blue and green fell onto the front lawn.

“What in the…?” ElimN8 asked, looking at the object on the front lawn.

Kenny had gone outside to pick it up, and then he brought it back to the house.

“What!?” ElimN8 asked in complete shock, “A Bulbasaur plush doll?”

“There’s a note attached to it.” Kenny told them, ripping off the note and tossing the plush doll out the window, “It reads: Ha Ha Ha! Look who caught you off guard! If you ever want to see your little dog Fiddy again, meet me at the McDonald’s at Wickety Street. Signed Harry Kim.”

“Little dog Fiddy?” JIG asked, looking at it in question, “Since when did we have a dog named Fiddy?”

“Hell if I know.” Kenny shrugged, “But if that hooligan is behind this, I say we go down there and mop the floor with him for blowing up our front yard!”

Just then, ElimN8 quickly untied Team Triblade, gave them each a bag of watermelon-flavored cotton candy, and looked at them in the eyes.

“You’re coming with us, whether you like it or not!” ElimN8 growled at them.

“Anything to get away from J-Lo!” Vellyvell quickly agreed.


Finally, after many long hours of drudgery, vanilla lattes, Scrabble, hiking, USB Cord jump-roping, and head banging music, Team Trainer had finally made to their final location, the last place of the final missing rune of WTF. And little did they know, they fell into a mighty big trap.

“Oh cool!” Bron exclaimed, “Look, they have lava lamp key chains as the Happy Meal!”

“The last rune location is at a McDonald’s on Wickety Street?” Rachel asked, again feeling weird about it, “What kind of crazy…”

Suddenly, the infamous Team Elite smashes through the door, and turns to find Team Trainer standing before them.

“You!” Curtis shouts out in a dark sounding Agent Smith voice.

“What in the lil’ wee hell are ye doin’ here!?” Jack shouted out at Harry Kim.

Suddenly, a red Ferrari, a black Lamborghini and a white Porsche drive up in the parking lot, and seconds later, the members of Team Nox suddenly smash through the window.

“I KNEW IT!” Dark Pikachu shouted fiercely, “I KNEW YOU BAND OF PUNKS WERE HIDING HERE!!!”

“OH YEAH!?” Harry Kim screamed, “I’M GOING TO GET YOU BACK FOR RIPPING A HOLE INTO OUR SHIP!!!”

“OH, IT’S YOU AGAIN, ISN’T IT!?” Fair shouted in fury, “IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO GET PAST ME, YOU’RE GOING TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY THAT YOU’RE DEAD WRONG!!!”

“AND I’M GOING TO GO GET A BLOODY HEARING AID AFTER ALL THIS SCREAMING!!!” The manager shouted to all of them.

It wasn’t long before the TMA and Team Triblade came slamming through the front door as well, also sent to the same address. Immediately, they had come across their biggest rivals…

And then, ElimN8 and Harry Kim stared at each other, and then a tumble weed blew across the tiled floor.

[western duel music]

“This fast food joint ain’t big enough for the both of us, Harry…” ElimN8 said in a cold tone, fingering his six shooter.

“Actually it is.” Kenny replied, “It seems to be around one thousand and five hundred square feet, and you and Harry only take up…”

“Shut up!” Harry shouted, “Now that we’re all here, I think it’s about time for us to settle the score, once and for all.”

There was silence. Everyone looked at each other, ready to fight.

“You already know the battleground of this battle.” ElimN8 said in a cold voice.

“I most certainly do…” Harry replied, glaring at his adversary.

2 hours later…

“Left hand Red!” Marco called out after spinning the spinner.

Harry struggled to put his left hand on a red dot, but Kamon’s right foot on blue was blocking him, so he had to work around. ElimN8 had no problem, but his right hand on green was very uncomfortable…

“I need to go to the bathroom!” Raddstealth shouted from the Twister mat while tied up in a mess.

But, it wasn’t long until Rust had smashed the side door entrance, with TMTS quickly following him. Both of them were wearing I <3 New York T-Shirts, rainbow colored beanies, cargo pants and tie-dye slap bracelets.

“MIND SLAVES!!!” He shouted in glee.

Suddenly, everything stopped. The Twister game stopped, the Bruce Springstein music stopped, the French fryers stopped, the Stock Market stopped, the MTV station stopped, and all the little Lava Lamp key chains stopped working.

“What the heck are you doing here!?” Matthew asked, looking at Rust with fury.

“I’ve been tracking down the TMA for miles!” Rust shouted, finally pleased he found them, “Now, you will all help me complete Beethoven’s fifth symphony whether you like it or not!”

But, before they could say anything else, the front entrance was smashed to pieces. Then, out of the blue, BlazikenInferno and DragonMasterDan appeared before them, with BlazikenInferno riding on a Latios while Dan was riding on Latias.

“The Ryu Soul Alliance!?” Harry Kim asked in complete shock, “This is crazy! What drew you here of all people here!?”

“We’re here for lunch.” Dan replied, looking around, “I thought that’s what this place was for, rather than playing Twister games and dressing up like tourists!”

“I resent that comment!” Rust shouted, knowing he was implying him and TMTS.

Suddenly, there was a dark silence.

“Something isn’t right here…” Kamon replied, getting off the floor, “How could all of us have been sent to the same place at the same time…?”

“Hmm, you’re right…” Harry replied, looking around, “My Spidey senses detect a threat…”

Chapter 7: Insanity Is Just a Way To Be More Creative!

Moments later, there was a massive crash, and suddenly the roof was ripped right off the McDonald’s. Above them, the sky had turned gray like pepper, and blasts of lightning flashed in the sky.

“Comcast!” Rust shouted in agony.

Suddenly, above them in the sky emerged a sinister-looking Flygon, with dark red eyes, jade green body, large diamond shaped wings and wearing a black beanie, blue jeans, and a white tank top with a gold chain necklace.

“You punks!” The Flygon shouted in a gangster hood voice, looking down on the group, “Up here!”

“Oh yeah…” ElimN8 laughed, “Now I’ve seen everything!”

[dark and dreadful music!]

“Yo, it was me who brought all yall bums here!” The Flygon laughed at them, “Yall thinkin’ it was each other sendin’ yall down here! But yall were damn wrong! Dat was me, baby! Me!”

“Right…” Harry replied, rolling his eyes, “And just who are you anyway!?”

“Me?” The Flygon asked, “I represent all the spammers in yall forum, all the waste and trash that squirms its way through, and I’m the one who keeps makin’ the server go down! And when yall there on ya comp and getting dissed because the thing just don’t go up, yall can blame me for dat!”

“NOOOO!” Vellyvell shouted, falling to his knees in agony.

“Oh, and no pun intended,” The Flygon smiled, “BUT I’M LUVIN’ IT!!!”

Then, Harry and everyone else in the group glared at the Flygon with a threatening stare, and the Flygon also returned the same angry glance. Then, the whole view of the scene suddenly became blurry and then swirled into black with a loud whoosh sound.

“What the heck!?” Bron asked, seeing everything around him was black.

“We’re entering a battle.” Harry replied, “It’s perfectly normal.”

[awesome trance battle music!]

PIMP DADDY FLYGON wants to battle!
PIMP DADDY FLYGON sends forward himself!

Then, Bron looked around and saw all the tables and chairs and the counter were much farther spread out, leaving much more room on the tiled floor.

“How did the room suddenly become so much larger!?” Bron asked, looking around.

“It gives us more room to fight.” Harry replied, rolling his eyes, “Geez Bron, have you never been in a RPG battle before?”

“Come on!” ElimN8 shouted, pointing up at the Flygon, “Let’s kick the stuffing out of this freak!”

Then, ElimN8 focused his energy, and suddenly a bright red and green blazing fire gathered around him, and then he jumped and focused his concentration on the Flygon.

ELIMN8 used FORCE DEFIANT STRIKER!

A massive beam of red and green blazing fire seared from ElimN8’s hand, and slammed into the Flygon, scattering bright red and green embers in all directions.

PIMP DADDY FLYGON takes 4923 HP damage!

“Hot damn!” The Flygon shouted, glaring down at ElimN8 in anger, “I’m gonna send all yall into a world of pain!”

The Flygon then took a deep breath, and suddenly, a loud and very annoying scream suddenly filled the air, and the Flygon directed the annoying blast of sound right toward the Twister mat.

PIMP DADDY FLYGON used LOLZ!!!111!1! ATTACK!

ELIMN8 takes 1834 HP damage!
HARRY KIM takes 1964 HP damage!
KAMON takes 1879 HP damage!
JACK takes 1927 HP damage!

“Oh, you are in so much freaking trouble for that!” Kamon shouted in anger, trying to shake off the pain.

Kamon’s fists suddenly burst into flames with dark gray and black flames, and then he leaped into the air, and then focused his energy.

KAMON used SHADOW INFERNO!

Suddenly, a massive blast of dark flames shot forward from Kamon’s hands, and instantly, the Flygon was smothered with consuming flames.

PIMP DADDY FLYGON takes 4720 HP damage!
PIMP DADDY FLYGON became PSYCHO!

Instantly, the Flygon was surrounded by a blaze of dark red fire, and suddenly, his red eyes began to glow and he screamed in fury.

“Now yall done it…” The Flygon growled, “Yall left me with no choice…”

Suddenly, a bright white column of light had appeared around the Flygon, and suddenly, he was surrounded by three orbiting red, yellow and blue spheres of swirling energy.

PIMP DADDY FLYGON summoned HOMEWORK SPHERE!
PIMP DADDY FLYGON summoned 56K CONNECTION SPHERE!
PIMP DADDY FLYGON summoned FINAL EXAMS SPHERE!

“PREPARE TO SUFFER!!!” The Flygon shouted with a horrid laugh.

“No…” Fair remarked, “I won’t let you get away with this!! It’s just too cruel!!!”

Just then, Fair focused on the Flygon, and concentrated on his energy. Suddenly, he began floating, and then his glowing white eyes suddenly locked onto the Flygon’s glowing red eyes.

BOB DOLE DEVOTEE FAIR used WORD TO YOUR MOTHERS ATTACK!!!

Suddenly, everything suddenly became black, and in one massive and screamingly loud flash, everything had instantly become white.

PIMP DADDY FLYGON’s SPHERE SHEILD protected it from the attack!
HOMEWORK SPHERE takes 49741 HP damage!
56K CONNECTION SPHERE takes 51984 HP damage!
FINAL EXAMS SPHERE takes 50834 HP damage!

Then, the bright light had died down, and then everything returned to normal…

“Whew, I’m tried…” Fair replied, looking exhausted, “I’m going to have to sit the rest of this one out…”

Then, Fair headed to the counter, and leaned against it, looking rather bushed.

“I’ll take a McFlurry please, with those oh so cute gummy bears!” Fair requested with a cheerful smile.

Chapter 8: Zoinks! Let’s Get Outta Here!

Still, despite the exceedingly powerful attack, the Flygon hadn’t taken any damage, and still looked more furious than ever.

“Now it’s your turn to burn!” the Flygon shouted in total anger, looking at everyone below him.

Then, at that moment, the Flygon concentrated his dark energy, and then launched a massive dark cloud at Team Nox in the far left corner of the room.

PIMP DADDY FLYGON used BARRAGE OF SPAM ATTACK!

“Here it comes!” Dark Pikachu shouted in fear.

KAMON takes 7493 HP damage!
NEO PIKACHU takes 7490 damage!
CAPTAIN CHARISMA’s BADASS ATTITUDE protects her from all SPAM-type attacks!
RAIK’s NOOB DESTROYER AURA returned the attack back at PIMP DADDY FLYGON!
PIMP DADDY FLYGON takes 7579 HP damage!
DARK PIKACHU takes 7392 HP damage!
MARCO takes 7441 HP damage!

All the others had managed to take cover from the dark attack, but still the assault was not over…

Just then, the red sphere separated from the other two, and suddenly drew closer toward the group, pulsing with a bright red light.

HOMEWORK SPHERE used INSANE CALCULUS ATTACK!

RADDSTEALTH became confused!
VELLYVELL became confused!
PHOENIX became confused!
JT’s ZERO TOLERANCE aura nullified the attack!
FLYHIGHLATIAS became confused!
TAMER became confused!

“Ha! Ha!” The Flygon laughed, “How does it feel to be on the losin’ end!?”

“You won’t get away with this!” Harry Kim shouted in a furious tone of anger.

“Yall ain’t ever takin’ me down!” The Flygon smiled at Harry Kim.

Just then, the red sphere returned to its orbiting position and then the yellow sphere came forward, and then shone brightly with a yellow flash.

56K CONNECTION SPHERE used GIGA LAG ATTACK!

Suddenly, the glowing yellow pulse suddenly struck the group, and enveloped them completely.

NEO PIKACHU’s BULLET TIME helped him evade the attack!
HARRY KIM’s SPEED sharply fell!
ELIMN8’s SPEED sharply fell!
BOB DOLE DEVOTEE FAIR’s HEY, I’M TAKING A BREAK RIGHT NOW, DON’T YOU MIND!? helped him evade the attack!

And lastly, the final sphere had come forward after the yellow sphere returned to its place.

“Oh no…” Kenny stated in misery, watching the approaching sphere.

Once the blue sphere had approached the group, it let loose a bright blue flash, blinding everyone for a moment with the deep blue light.

FINAL EXAMS SPHERE used HIDEOUSLY HARD BIOLOGY EXAM ATTACK!

And then, the blue light had made contact.

KENNY takes .4 GPA damage!
KAMON’s I DON’T TAKE USA’S EXAMS SO I’M SCOTT FREE nullified the attack!
SATOU takes .3 GPA damage!
JT takes .3 GPA damage!
TAMER’s I DON’T TAKE USA’S EXAMS SO I’M SCOTT FREE nullified the attack!

And then, the blue sphere had returned to its place, which only meant one thing.

“Well guess what, you stupid Flygon…” PaperFairy smiled, “You’ve had your turn, but now all us here get to slam your face at least once. And look how many of us there are…”

“Oh no…” The Flygon said, backing away a bit, “I didn’t think about dat…”

“I do hope you enjoy pain.” Harry Kim smiled, “And if you don’t, that’s just too bad. Up yours.”

Then, Harry Kim focused his might on his target, which were the three spheres. Then, he leapt into the air, and released his contained power.

HARRY KIM used ULTRA INTERESTING ATTACK!

And suddenly, a massive torrent of blazing white fire blasted right into target, and smothered the Flygon and his sphere shield.

PIMP DADDY FLYGON’s SPHERE SHIELD protected it from the attack!
HOMEWORK SPHERE takes 38294 HP damage!
HOMEWORK SPHERE was destroyed!
56K CONNECTION SPHERE takes 41320 HP damage!
56K CONNECTION SPHERE was destroyed!
FINAL EXAMS SPHERE takes 39705 HP damage!
FINAL EXAMS SPHERE was destroyed!
PIMP DADDY FLYGON’s SPHERE SHIELD was eliminated!

“Now let’s finish this little freak off.” Kamon agreed, seeing the Flygon was completely unprotected now.

One by one, every person on every team slammed the Flygon with their own unique attacks (Don’t even think about me writing up an attack for all 2120 members of this place…), smashing him again and again, time after time, minute after minute which lasted for nearly three hours. After three hours of terrible beating and nearly two million HP points of damage later, the Flygon fell to the ground, feeling dizzy and sick.

“Urp…” The Flygon coughed, “I’m fallen, and I can’t get up!!!”

Then, Fair had turned to the rest of the group, and invited them all to come to the counter.

“Come on!” Fair called out, “I’m treating everyone to McFlurries! Don’t worry, I have Bill Gate’s credit card!”

“Ah!” Harry Kim shouted with cheer, “I really can get back at him! I’ll take two!”

And then, everyone had left the beat up Flygon behind, all except one member…

As Neo Pikachu looked down at the Flygon, he pulled a Pokéball out of his pocket, pushed the shiny little button and made the ball fatter, and then he grasped it tight.

“Hope it’s uncomfortable in there!” Neo Pikachu shouted out as his tossed his Pokéball at the fallen Flygon.

And then, the Pokéball bounced off the Flygon’s butt, and then bumped back into the air. Suddenly, the ball opened, and sucked the Flygon in like a one hundred dollar bill into a vaccum. And then, the ball fell to the tiled ground, and began to rock, back and forward…