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Thread: The Speaker [PG-13] | Chapter 1 posted

  1. #1
    Li₂CO₃ Ellithium's Avatar
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    The Speaker [PG-13] | Chapter 1 posted

    My first Pokemon story in a long time. I know the battle at the end is quite short, but this is just a first chapter and I had a lot of introduction to get through -- hopefully you get where I'm trying to go with this. It's my attempt at a science fiction Pokemon story.

    ---

    As he slid into consciousness, the first thing Naoki noticed was a throbbing, aching pain in his temple. He opened his eyes. He struggled to keep them open, because his eyelids felt very heavy. Slowly, his field of vision faded from darkness into a blurry whiteness, then becoming clear; he was lying in a white bed, in a room with cheery yellow walls and various pieces of medical equipment strewn about the room. To his left, a vital signs monitor beeped methodically along to the plod of his heart.

    For a moment, he laid there in confusion. Had he been in some sort of accident? He struggled to recall it. Clearly he was in a hospital, but – why?

    Then he remembered. The operation!

    A sleepy, sluggish grin crossed Nao’s face as he lazily pushed himself into an upright sitting position. He lifted his hand and gingerly touched the bandages wrapped around his forehead. The dime-sized incision in his skull was still fresh.

    Even just sitting up, he felt slightly dizzy. He didn’t dare try to stand yet. Theo closed his eyes again, letting the beeping of his heart monitor lull him into a shallow sleep – but he was suddenly interrupted by the mechanical whirr of a door sliding open.

    “Ahh, Naoki Murakami?” said the woman who stepped through the doorway. She had brown hair, and wore a white coat with pink scrubs – a standard hospital uniform. Behind her was a large, round pink Pokémon with an egg held in a pouch on its abdomen and a nurse’s hat atop its head. It was a Chansey. “How are you feeling?”

    “A little dizzy,” said Nao to the doctor, trying to wipe the smile off his face. “My head hurts.”

    The woman nodded. “That’s to be expected. We’re going to wait for the wound to heal before we activate the implant. For now, just rest.”

    “Thank you, doctor.”

    She left, and Naoki rested his head back against the pillow of his bed, tiredness overtaking him. He had achieved so much just to be lying here – aced all of the tests, and the observations – and he was about to do things that were even more extraordinary, if the implant worked. He was about to have an ability that most people could only dream about, except for a select few who were born extraordinarily gifted, or for the nine other young people in the clinical trial.

    He was going to be able to understand Pokémon.

    ---

    Naoki strained to see out the window of the moving car as they approached the lab. He was being moved from the hospital, where the operation had been performed, to a Pokémon laboratory where they would activate the implant inside his head and test it out for real. And something equally exciting was about to happen: he was going to receive his first Pokémon.

    Part of the experiment involved him being a Pokémon trainer and catching lots of Pokémon to communicate with. It was something Naoki had always dreamed of, but he’d never had the means to go on a journey. Now, he was being given a chance.

    The car pulled up in front of a tall brick building, and a man in a white coat stepped out and approached the car. After a brief exchange with the driver, the man opened the door to let Naoki out.

    “Welcome to the Arcadia region’s premier research institution, Hawthorn labs. Professor Hawthorn is waiting inside,” said the man, smiling and beckoning towards the entrance of the building. Naoki followed him inside.

    The lab was in pristine condition. Everything looked clean and white and modern. An older man with graying hair and round glasses peered at Naoki from behind a computer screen.

    “Ah, you’ve arrived,” he said. “Welcome. I’m Professor Hawthorn. This is my assistant, Thomas.”

    Naoki smiled and shook the Professor’s hand, then Thomas’.

    The professor turned back to his computer, typed for a few moments, and then stood.

    “I’ve just activated your implant. We’re going to dive right in. Beyond that door to your right, there is a Pokémon waiting for you. Ah, but first – let us not forget! I must bestow upon you your very own Pokémon!”

    Professor Hawthorn reached into the pocket of his lab coat and withdrew a half-red sphere, handing it to Naoki. The teenage boy turned it over in his palm, gingerly placing his thumb over the button in the center.

    “Go ahead, say hello,” said Hawthorn cheerily.

    Naoki pointed the sphere at the ground and pressed the button. A beam of white light appeared from within the sphere and from it materialized a small, blue Pokémon with floppy dog-like ears. It stood on two legs and stared at Naoki with big brown eyes.

    “Meet your new partner,” Thomas said. “Riolu. Would you like to give him a nickname?”

    Naoki smiled. “Why don’t we ask Riolu? What do you think – do you want a nickname?”

    Riolu blinked, surprised. “Sure,” he said. “Does it really work? Can you understand me?”

    “I can,” replied Naoki, breaking out into a wide grin. It was really happening! “What kind of name would you like?”

    The professor looked on in awe, obviously dazzled by his own invention even though he could only understand half of the conversation.

    “Hmm, well… anything, really.”

    “Okay, how about… Anu? Ruka? Pluto?”

    Riolu tilted his head to the side. “Pluto?”

    Hawthorn clapped his hands together. “Perfect! Naoki and Pluto. Naoki, I chose Pluto for you because Riolu have a special ability – they can sense the emotions of others by reading their auras. I think this is an ability that will prove invaluable to your exploration of the world of Pokémon. My research indicates that Pokémon are highly emotional creatures. And, without further ado – let’s move right on to your first Pokémon battle!”

    “Wait – battle? I thought I was just going to talk to the Pokémon?”

    The professor chuckled. “Most Pokémon won’t talk unless they trust you and respect your skill,” he said. “You only have the ability to understand Pokémon who are broadcasting their thoughts to you. If a Pokémon’s heart is closed to you, you won’t be able to hear it. Feral Pokémon attack humans. That’s why it’s so dangerous in the wild. Perhaps one day you’ll help to change that, but for now – you better get used to battling!”

    Then the door slid open, and Naoki found himself face-to-face with a feral blue cat Pokémon. Its fur bristled and gave off sparks of electricity, and as it gave a savage hiss its golden eyes glinted with aggression.

    “We can do this, Pluto!” said Naoki.

    “Right!” Pluto replied.

    “Let’s try… uhh… Force Palm?”

    Pluto nodded and charged at the wild Shinx, striking it hard with its palm. The feline Pokémon recoiled in pain, immediately firing a bolt of electricity off at Pluto, who was hit square in the chest and fell on one knee.

    “Pluto! Are you alright?”

    “I’m fine,” said the Riolu, drawing shakily to his feet just in time to get hit by a vicious tackle from the Shinx. He was knocked over again, but this time he sprung right back up.

    “Force Palm again!”

    Once again Pluto attacked the Shinx, making a solid connection with his palm attack. The wild Shinx stumbled and swayed on its feet.

    “Oh! Oh! I forgot something!” stammered the Professor. He fumbled around in the pocket of his lab coat before withdrawing another Pokéball and handing it to Naoki. “Here – this one is empty! It’s a gift for you! I recommend using it now!”

    Naoki nodded and, seeing the Shinx sway, decided the time was right. He tensed his body and then his arm uncoiled like a spring, launching the Pokéball into the air. It hit the feline Pokémon on its head, then opened and enveloped it in a white light. The light was drawn inside the Pokéball and it landed on the ground. The button in the center blinked red and the Pokéball shook: once, twice, three times…

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  3. #2
    Sorry you've had to wait so long! Your grade will be here soon!

  4. #3
    Introduction & Story:

    Mhhhhm that introduction... smooth, clear, clean, sexy prose with the intriguing ending hook of, "He was going to be able to understand Pokemon." Overall, I really liked what you did with the first few paragraphs. You transitioned into the typical "first-adventure" story that had its own marvelous twist on that schema. As this will be an ongoing story, my only suggestion for later implementations is to add a brief summary of what's happened in the chapters prior to the posted one. Anywhere from a sentence at the beginning or background details spread out works really well.

    As this is just the introduction, there's not much for me to say on characterizations as everyone's brand new to the story. You've leveled a good surface foundation from which we can see some real good growth from Naoki, Pluto, and maybe the professor too. My only recommendation for the actual story: for future battles, try to vary up the moves. Using Force Palm twice is a little... well, there's a lot of fun for both readers and writers by varying up moves. I did like how the battle was two-sided, however! Great job in crafting an interesting battle and story!

    Also, I feel like I should mention that stories in the URPG don't necessarily need to end with the battle - capture paradigm. Battles are a more old-school part of URPG story writing, but tbh you don't even have to have a battle. If you do have a battle, you don't need to end the chapter or story on that battle. It may seem kinda awkward, especially for stories with multiple chapters. You can have the battle, exclude the capture scene, and then just move forward until the chapter would naturally end, and then the grader would still grade for that target Pokemon you featured within that chapter. Something to consider!

    Description:

    Ah, description was concise and lovely. You gave just enough description about what people looked like and the settings so that we could fill in a good chunk in our minds. I wanted to see more description for Naoki, as he's the main character, but as this is just an introduction I can tell those parts will come later. I'd suggest adding in more sensory information - how does it feel to touch the incision atop his head? What does Pluto's voice sound like to him? These types of subtle sensory details go a long way in amplifying the experience of the story.

    Grammar:

    Clear and well-written, great job! My only suggestion is to watch for minor inconsistencies when you proofread. In the beginning, Naoki was named "Theo" and that was a little confusing, unless I misread. There was also a moment where the professor called the Riolu Pluto before he had heard that repeated from Naoki - how could he have known he decided on Pluto? But regardless, these are really just nitpicky details. You did a great job with writing a nearly flawless introduction.

    Outcome:

    Shinx Captured! You're perfectly at 7.6k for a simple mon in the 5-10k character range. Perfect pretty much describes this story. XD Loved the introduction and I'll love to see more!

    I apologize again for the lengthy wait on this - if you ever wait longer than a week for a grade, please post your story in the sticked Stories thread in this board. If somebody still doesn't get to it, please VM/PM/IM/mention me and I'll get to it for you!

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