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Thread: Clamped

  1. #1
    Pokemon Trainer
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Location
    Mars
    Posts
    112

    Clamped

    Story is sad.

    There are many types of Pokémon. Some trot, some run, some fly, some slither and some swim, but they all have one thing in common. They can all move, even the ones similar to immobile objects, such as rocks. With one exception, and that exception was Clamperl. The little clam had spent his entire life imprisoned in his tough blue shell. The Pokémon himself was nothing more then a little pink bit of flesh tucked into the bottom of the shell. He had always wanted to explore the world, see the things he had heard about in the snatches of conversation of fish Pokémon that passed him by.

    The fish described six massive regions, all with fascinating and different Pokémon and people. Clamperl constantly wondered what all the Pokémon looked like, and what they acted like. He wondered what he would act like if he ever met other Pokémon. He liked to think he would be kind and likable, although he supposed he would never know for sure. He knew he would never get to meet a another Pokémon face-to-face.

    A tiny salt-water tear beaded in the corner of Clamperl's eye. He really wanted to meet other Pokémon, and once he had held out some vestige of hope that he would manage to escape the prison of his shell. No such luck. Over the years he had lost even that small bit, and now so simply attempted to not cry very often, as the tears flooded his shell and were impossible to remove unless he happened across an air bubble.

    He tried rocking the shell back and forth to dislodge it from the sea floor, but it had hard ridges carved into the bottom and had bitten firmly into the sand. The pressure of the sea water, he supposed, had pushed it down and rendered him totally immobile. He wondered if he had attempted to move from his frozen position earlier, before the pressure had shoved him down, whether he would have been successful.

    He suddenly felt a tapping on his shell. It sent rhythmic vibrations through his little pink body, making him feel both nauseous and more alive then he ever had. Something on the outside was actually trying to get in to him. Someone actually knew about him, cared about him, and it was making him feel like he was involved in things for once. It made him so happy, he felt like he could fly, despite the fact that he barely knew what that was.

    The tapping grew harder and more insistent. Clamperl no longer felt as happy and alive. Now there was a new feeling growing in his tiny heart. He wondered if this was fear. The fish had discussed it often, fear of fishermen and fear of sharks and birds. Clamperl had lived his entire life safe in his shell. This was his first encounter with such an emotion, and he decided that he didn't like it.

    The shell cracked open. Clamperl was frozen for a fatal second as he stared at the splintered ruin of his shell. It had been his refuge, and his home. He had spent his entire life inclosed within its protective walls. He had longed to leave it, but now that it was a shattered wreck, he realized he had loved and appreciated it much more then he had thought.

    Talons closed around his tender, pink body. Panic flooded Clamperl's heart before he forced himself to calm down. Clamperl twisted and briefly caught sight of his kidnapper. It was a massive bird Pokémon, with a long yellow beak. It had mostly white feathers with stripes of blue across each wing. Clamperl wondered which of the many Pokémon this was, and felt torn. He could attempt to wriggle free with no guarantee of success, and go back to... what? His shell had been destroyed, and the open sea was full of large and hungry creatures.

    The other option was to remain the grasp of the bird Pokémon and finally fulfill his dream of seeing the world. He could see the six regions that the fish had spoken of. He could finally meet the many Pokémon and learn about their cultures and personalities. Wind buffeted his sensitive body, which had for years been encased in a touch shell. He had never been as exposed and naked as he was now. It made him feel scared, but also freer then he had ever felt.

    The temperature at such a high altitude was oddly alternating. First the closeness of the sun would burn his tender flesh, then the wind would soothe and chill it until he longed for the warmth of the sunbeams again. Occasionally the bird would dip down close enough to the water for Clamperl to be coated by the spray, providing a temporary shield against the ravages of the wind and sun, but it never lasted long.

    Clamperl was looking out across the great blue nothingness of the ocean, trying to figure out where the regions were. He wondered, not for the first time, how different they all were, and what the flora and fauna was like in each one. Now that that curiosity was closer then ever to being sated, he felt pure excitement rise in his chest. Soon he would no longer have to guess and theorize. He would see the regions as they truly were.

    He saw a geyser of water, outlined against the mercifully setting sun, shoot into the rapidly cooling air. As they drew nearer he saw that it had emerged from the back of a massive Wailord, floating peacefully atop the waves. The great whale had a back as blue as a cloudless summer sky, and the bird landed peacefully on its head. Clamperl supposed that they would rest here for the night before continuing on. He wondered if the Wailord had noticed the slight difference in weight, if it had noticed their presence at all.

    The sun was setting quickly, and stars had begun to sparkle in the sky. Clamperl assume those were stars. He had never seen something so beautiful before. It was as though the sky had turned into a velvet tapestry, strategically woven with diamonds. It was breathtaking. He felt the claws around him relax the slightest big and he looked up to see that the bird had tucked its head under its wing. He assumed it was sleeping.

    "Last chance, little Clamperl. Leave while you have the chance," the Wailord rumbled. Clamperl was surprised. He had assumed the Wailord was either sleeping or awake but unaware of their existence.

    "What do you mean? This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me! I finally get to go see the world!" Clamperl exclaimed. The Wailord shook a bit, and Clamperl wondered if he was laughing.

    "That Wingull is a clever one. He dive-bombs Clamperl shells until they shatter, plucks the Pokémon out, and takes them away to feed to his young," the Wailord explained. "Every time I see him coming with one of you in his claws, I tell them to go, but they never listen. He usually stops on my back to rest for the night. I'm sure he thinks I don't even notice him."

    "B-but... so I don't get to see the world? The regions and all the Pokémon?" Clamperl whimpered. Tears were gathering in his eyes once more, but for the first time in years, he didn't try to hold them back. He simply cried and cried by the light of the stars and moon, the Wailord offering quiet condolences as his guest mourned the death of his hopes and dreams. Clamperl, as the flow of tears receded, began to foster a hesitant doubt about the accuracy of Wailord's statements. He hadn't actually seen the Wingull eat other Clamperl. He wouldn't know for sure.

    "I'm afraid not. You know, it's funny. You Clamperl are all the same. You're so curious about the world outside of your shells, its the death of you. You don't know how lucky you are."

    "Lucky?"

    "Every other Pokémon has to fight for survival, day in and day out, always watching your back. You didn't have to go through that. You were safe in your shell, secure from a cruel world, and the world is indeed a horrible place. That, little one, is why you were lucky."

    Clamperl, thinking of miles of empty sea he had seen and how much more there must be, wondered if somewhere there was a place he would be welcomed and safe. A place besides his shell. A place where he could finally see the world.

    "Tick tock, little one," Wailord murmured softly. "You must decide which course to take before you fall asleep."

    Indeed, Clamperl's eyelids were getting heavy. He was vaguely aware that he was not in the best condition to make important life decisions, as sleep was clouding his mind and obscuring his reason. Nonetheless, he made his choice. "I have to go with him. I might finally find the place I belong."

    "That's what they all said. Look where it got them," Wailord said before yawning hugely. His massive body soon rumbled with snores.

    Clamperl, too, decided he needed his rest. It had been the longest and most exciting day of his life. His eyes slipped closed. Sleep came quickly to him because he was quite tired, but his dreams were troubled. He had managed to convince himself that going with the Wingull would be the best course of action, but his subconscious must have been unaware of that fact. His dreams were full of sharp and angry beaks, snapping and pecking at his defenseless pink flesh.

    When he awoke, he began to second-guess himself, wondering if the Wailord had been right after all. Then he shook it off, reminding himself that there was no way the gentle sea beast could know for sure. It seemed likely that he had been trying to help, but there was no need. Clamperl hoped that the Wingull was actually a charitable Pokémon, taking the lonely and isolated members of his species one by one to a safe and fascinating new life.

    He felt rhythmic gusts of wind beating him down, and glanced down to see the ocean speeding past. The Wingull must have lifted off before he woke up. Maybe it was excited to take him to his new home. The downdraft was chilling his sensitive skin, causing him to shiver and shake. He tried to restrain his shudders, afraid to shake himself free of the bird Pokémon's grasp. If that happened, he would flop back into the unfriendly ocean and lose all hope of ever seeing the world.

    The sun shone bright and blinding, its warming rays beaming down on the little Clamperl. The wind and the sun were at it again, alternately burning and freezing him. If only he could find a nice balance between the two forces. Then he would be comfortable all the time, not just in the brief moments after they swapped out. In those cases, the wind relieved the pain from the sun and vice versa, but that lasted only a second before the new side overpowered the residual effects from the old. Clamperl shifted uncomfortably and hoped they would reach land soon.

    A dark shadow appeared on the horizon. Clamperl squinted to see if he could bring it into focus, but he had to wait for the Wingull to bring him closer before he saw its true form. Tears fell from his eyes and dissolved without a trace in the saltwater ocean as he stared at the unrivaled beauty that was the Pokémon world. He couldn't see any distinction between the six regions from above, and indeed they all appeared the same. Nevertheless, the moment was as breathtaking as Clamperl had always hoped it would be.

    They were still a good distance from the continent when the Wingull began to circle, as if to land. Clamperl was a bit confused and bewildered by this action, before spotting a small and rapidly growing brown dot below them. It was blurred by the blue-green of the ocean, but it was still visible. Perhaps the bird wanted to stop and rest before the home stretch.

    As the circles grew tighter and the decent steeper, a kernel of dread began to gnaw at Clamperl's heart. They were only about ten feet above the dot now, and he could see it in much more detail. It was a nest, composed mostly of sticks and trash roughly woven together in a ragged mash up of nature and manmade. Inside the nest were three little bird Pokémon. They were tiny and adorable, fluffy and blind copies of their parent. Clamperl felt sick. Wailord had been right. He was to be bird food.

    The Wingull swooped lower, and from a closer perspective Clamperl could see the baby Wingulls' beady eyes and sharp beaks. He knew then that he was well and truly doomed. At least he had gotten to see the world before his demise. He froze the image in his mind and closed his eyes.

    Target Pokémon- Clamperl
    Rank- Medium
    Character Count- 12063

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Plot: As always, your plot ideas are novel and quite fresh, and yet, quite obvious. Clamperl fits this plot perfectly but, at least to my knowledge, this wasn't explored by anyone just yet. Keep up with the good ideas, write often and aim high :)

    A problem I found is that you seem to use a ... non-standard representation of Clamperl, usually - and I use usually very lightly here - it's a mon that can open or close the shell at will and whose head is a hard pearl. Not really a problem but using the more standard forms is something I'd recommend.

    Description: Once more, very good, right amount of beige and purple. At no place did it feel too preppy or too bare, however, as a grader it's my job to nitpick.

    Clamperl twisted and briefly caught sight of his kidnapper. It was a massive bird Pokémon, with a long yellow beak. It had mostly white feathers with stripes of blue across each wing.
    While it's accepted that seagulls predate on sea creatures, they often do so near the surface, as they can't actually dive all the way to seafloor to try and grab some Pokemon like Clamperl for example. But this is more nitpicking than a valid complain.

    Wind buffeted his sensitive body, which had for years been encased in a touch shell. He had never been as exposed and naked as he was now.
    I think you meant "tough shell" instead of "touch shell" and "exposed and naked" is a bit redundant, I'd use one or another but not both.

    The temperature at such a high altitude was oddly alternating.
    While alternating is correct, oscillating fits better, although it's a bit confusing in the prose. If you meant it only alternates once, then use alternating, if you mean it's something periodic, use oscillating.

    As the circles grew tighter and the decent steeper, a kernel of dread began to gnaw at Clamperl's heart.
    I think you meant "descent" and I'd use something other than gnaw, because you used kernel and that doesn't quite fit well - unless it's some idiom I don't know of ...

    Grammar: I didn't spot a single mistake; I probably missed something but I guess it's not much a big deal.

    Length: At 12063 your story is within the guideline length, and fits the short story quite well.

    Overview: I'd say try checking more thoroughly your work for typos, and try to use more standard forms of displaying Pokemon, so you can be sure most readers will be able to understand the story. That being said, Clamperl is captured. Go ahead and do whatever you wish with it.

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