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Thread: A Bidoof Tale

  1. #1
    Woman where is ma supersuit! Bulbasaur's Avatar
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    A Bidoof Tale

    A BIDOOF TALE
    Characters with spaces: 8,385


    It was a sunny day in Twinleaf Town; a great day to get outside and take a walk.

    This is exactly what Professor Rowan planned to do with his class of new Pokemon trainers. He was sitting at his desk in his laboratory. He had light gray hair and a mustache, but didn’t look to be much older than 60. He was wearing a long brown jacket over a blue dress shirt, black dress pants, and a pair of brown shoes. The professor sat patiently as he waited for his students to arrive.

    He didn’t have to wait long. A quick knock was heard from the door. Professor Rowan had barely finished saying “Come in” when the door was opened. In rushed two young boys. They both walked up to Professor Rowan’s desk and said, “Hello, professor!”

    The one on the left was the shorter of the two. He appeared to be 10 years of age; just old enough to own a Pokemon. He had a green T-shirt on with an image of a Turtwig in the center. He had red shorts and white sneakers on. The other boy looked a bit more mature, but not just because he was a few inches taller. He did not seem as energetic as the shorter boy, although he was definitely not bored. He was wearing a plain red shirt, blue jeans, and black sneakers.

    Professor Rowan smiled at the two boys. “Hello, Oscar! Hello, Will! How are you doing today?” he asked enthusiastically.

    “Great! I can’t wait to start class today, professor!” said Oscar, the shorter boy.

    “I’m doing well. How about you, professor?” Will inquired.

    “I am fine, thank you,” Professor Rowan replied. He got up from his chair, and walked over to the window next to the door. “Do you know where Steven is?” he asked, looking out the window.

    “Probably going to be late,” Oscar answered, giggling. He went over to the window next to the professor, and peered out. He spotted a boy that was his height walking towards the lab. He had a relaxed posture as he walked slowly to the door. When he had reached the doorstep, Professor Rowan walked to the door as Oscar went over to Will and whispered something into his ear.

    Two knocks were heard, and the professor opened the door, revealing Steven. He was wearing a plaid shirt and blue jeans over his pale skin. When he saw Professor Rowan, a small smile appeared on his face, but he didn’t say anything.

    “Welcome back, Steven! How are you on this sunny day?” the professor asked Steven, with a cheerful smile.

    “Good, professor,” Steven replied shyly. He saw Will and Oscar looking at him and laughing as he walked in.

    Professor Rowan turned to look at them. “You two seem to have a lot of energy. Why don’t we go for a walk on Route 201?”

    Oscar jumped up at that statement. “Yeah! Let’s go to the lake!” he shouted.

    “You seem to somewhat like that idea,” said the professor with a chuckle. “Okay, then! Let’s go!”

    Oscar ran to the door, while Will and Steven walked to it. Oscar grabbed the doorknob and held the door open for Will. When Steven neared the door, Oscar let go of the doorknob and ran outside, laughing.

    “You snooze, you lose! Hahaha!” he yelled as he started running towards the tall grass in the distance. Steven just rolled his eyes, and grabbed the door as it started to close. He held the door open as Professor Rowan walked towards it.

    “After you,” said the professor, stopping at the door. Steven grinned, and walked outside. Professor Rowan followed, and locked the door. “Don’t go too far, Oscar!” he said loudly as he turned his key in the doorknob.

    Oscar stopped at the tall grass, but not because of Professor Rowan. He had seen something that made him laugh. “Come get a load of this silly looking Bidoof!” Oscar yelled to Will, who walked a bit faster. When he got to the tall grass, he started giggling, too.

    Steven and Professor Rowan went to see what all the laughing was about. When Professor Rowan saw the Bidoof, he chuckled quietly. Steven was the only one who kept a straight face.

    The Bidoof looked just like any other Bidoof. It looked like a brown beaver with fluffy fur and two big teeth showing. It was the wooden bucket on its head that made Oscar roar with laughter. It seemed to be embarrassed at Oscar and Will’s reaction. It frowned sadly as it started walking towards a bush. When it had vanished behind the bush, Will asked Steven, “What did you think of that stupid beaver?”

    Steven only said, “It’ll be laughing at you when the rain starts.”

    Will smirked and looked at Professor Rowan. “Let’s see if we can make it to the lake.”

    The professor smiled as Oscar starting moving forward. “Sounds good to me. Then maybe I can quiz you about the Pokemon information you’ve learned with me.”

    As the group continued to walk, Oscar said eagerly, “Maybe we can find the red Gyarados! That would be great!”

    ~~

    Fifteen minutes later, the group had reached the lake. Oscar immediately ran to the edge of the lake and peered into the water, while the other three went to sit on a bench.

    Steven sat there quietly as Will and Professor Rowan talked about the different kinds of Pokeballs. As he looked into the distance, he could see a few Psyducks on the other side of the lake. He could faintly hear them talking to each other. He watched the yellow ducks bicker until they ran into the trees.

    “So, about that Bidoof, Professor. Why do you think it had that silly bucket on its head?” Will asked Professor Rowan. Steven’s ears perked up, remembering Will and Oscar laughing at the poor Bidoof.

    “Well, I don’t really know, Will,” Professor Rowan replied. He was silent for a moment. Then, he said, “He seemed to be all alone. I’ve usually seen Bidoofs in groups. Maybe the fact that he wasn’t with other Bidoofs could help us figure out why… Hmm…” He was quiet again, this time for longer.

    “Do you think maybe he left his group intentionally?” Will suggested.

    “That would be logical,” Professor Rowan said, nodding. “Bidoofs are usually kind to each other, so I think it’s unlikely that it was told to leave.”

    “Maybe it wanted to be different from the other Bidoofs?” Will proposed.

    “Maybe…” Professor Rowan said. He looked at his watch. “Oh! We should get going. We’ve been here for fifteen minutes!” the professor exclaimed.

    “I FOUND THE RED GYARADOS!” Oscar yelled suddenly. Will turned to look at Oscar, but he stood up calmly and said, “Wait… it’s just a Goldeen…” Oscar walked over to the group.

    “Wow! How could you confuse a red Gyarados with a Goldeen?” Will said, laughing.

    “I don’t know! It kind of looked like it under the water, okay?” Oscar said irritably. “Steven, are you coming, you Slowpoke?”

    Steven was looking at the sky. He noticed that there was a big, gray cloud in the middle of the sky. Oscar looked up too, and sighed. “I didn’t bring a rain jacket…” he murmured.

    A small giggle was heard from behind a tree. When Oscar turned to see who it was, he saw the Bidoof from earlier, still wearing a bucket on its head.

    “Who do you think you are, laughing at me?!” Oscar yelled at the Bidoof, who cringed. A few drops of rain fell. “I’ll show you!”

    As he reached for a Pokeball at his belt, the Bidoof’s face turned frightened. He started to run, but Oscar ran after him. He had a Pokeball in his hand now, but when he tried to throw it, someone grabbed his arm. Oscar turned his head rapidly to see who it was.

    He found himself staring into Steven’s angry face. Oscar looked shocked for a split second, but then smirked. “You think you’re going to stop me?” he retorted.

    Like magic, Oscar was on the ground a second later. Oscar’s smirk turned into a frown, and his face turned red. “DON’T YOU DARE PUSH ME!” he yelled as he charged at Steven holding his fist out. Steven went to fight back, but was stopped by Professor Rowan.

    “BOYS! Calm down!” Professor Rowan boomed. Steven stopped, shocked. He had never seen Professor Rowan yell, or even get angry for that matter.

    Oscar was petrified, too. He stopped fighting Will’s grip on his arms. Everyone was silent for what seemed like a long time.

    Professor Rowan took a deep breath, and said firmly, “Everyone’s going home. I can’t have you fighting like this. Understand?”

    Oscar started to argue, but a dark look from the professor made him close his mouth. He bowed his head, and started walking slowly.

    Steven looked back at the Bidoof, who was shaking. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “For what he did.” He watched the Bidoof for a second, then turned away and walked with the rest of the group.

    As they walked back, all they could hear was the sound of the rain hitting the ground.
    Last edited by Bulbasaur; 03-03-2014 at 06:25 PM.

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  3. #3
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    So it has been pointed out to me that I'm sometimes sarcastic in my grades. I'll try not to do that this time. :) If you think I was, please try and point it out to me so I will know when to shut up.

    Introduction-Story-Plot: I liked this story way more then I thought I would. It's pretty well paced, and its a sweet story about individualism and being yourself. I can't help but be curious about how the bucket actually got on the Bidoof's head, but that doesn't really matter in the context of the story.

    I only noticed one little bitty continuity error, and that's it. I'm assuming this story takes place in Sinnoh, due to the presence of Professor Rowan and the Bidoof, but the boys are looking for the Red Gyrados, which is in the Lake of Rage in another region. It would make much more sense if they were looking for Azelf of another of of the lake legends, but this is a minor error and I can totally see how you made it. The lakes in Pokémon are pretty much interchangeable, and I wouldn't worry that much about confusing them.

    Grammar-Spelling: Very common mistakes here. One was referring to the Bidoof as both 'it' and 'he'. Super common, and I didn't even notice it until I started going over this thing with a magnifying glass. I can even follow the line of thought here. When the Bidoof is first introduced, its a bit obscure and unimportant and we don't know which gender it is. Later, when it becomes more important, the gender is revealed. It makes sense when you think about it, but what I would advise is choosing genders for each of your Pokémon before you begin writing, just so you don't confuse your reader.

    Also, when the boys are calling the professor Professor like its his name, that should be capatilized. This is bit of a tricky rule, so just try putting a name in the spot, say, Bob, and see if it flows. If it does, capitilatize. If not, don't.

    Just one more thing. Two characters can't speak in the same paragraph. You only did it once that I saw, so you're set.

    Other then what I pointed out here, beautiful grammar.

    Detail-Description: Kudos. Some of your descriptions are really impressive, like when you described Professor Rowan. I got a good sense of what he looked like, even though I already knew. You also describe the Bidoof, which is nice. A very, very common mistake occurs when people don't describe the Pokémon because they look like every other Pokémon of that species, and the reader knows what that would look like.

    You even describe the clothes that the boys are wearing, which is impressive. I'm not sure whether this is your first URPG story or not, but seriously, write more and write often!

    Length: Your length is perfect. It falls nicely between the length parameters, and I honestly think the pacing would be off if it was any longer or shorter. It isn't rushed or forced, which is very nice.

    Verdict: Bidoof is caught! You have all the potential to be a great writer, and I'm looking forward to grading more of your stories! I honestly think you should try making the jump to Medium, because I read your story over several items and I could find very little wrong with it. :)

    Just don't make the same mistake I did and try for Demanding on your second story XD

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