Thread: Nonexistence (PG-13, Minor Language and Violence) (Chapter One ready for grading!)

Whist stumbling through a cave, after being chased by a malicious entourage of undead creatures and explosive shrubbery monsters, you come across a book-a journal, specifically. You see no reason to not immediately pick it up and read it in this relatively safe place you just so happen to be at. Water drips down from the stone above-a sure sign liquid is above. You sit down in a small recess in the cave wall suitable for sitting, and begin reading.

09/09/13.

My name is Tazz Nihilo Tazanite, AKA The Nonexistent Tazz. If the previous statement does not apply to you, stop reading this book, as the person who this DOES apply too will immediately take offense and shoot you with a shotgun in the face until he runs out of ammo, then behead you, then throw you into lava, then throw you into oblivion incarnate. You have been warned. I take the reading of this journal seriously.

I have torn away the previous pages in this journal and burned them. The events that happened previously were not to be known. I may refer to them, but it is best I only refer to the basics of the events that I do refer to: That they are first and foremost known as the War of the Writs; that they involved 5 instances with 5-sub instances each, which I shall refer to as such instead of what they actually are; and that, during these instances, the following events happened. First, A group known as the Dark Writs caused events to occur such that the previously-mentioned instances were forced to happen; Second, that several entities, myself included were given incredible power in an attempt by the universe itself to stop the Dark Writs; and that said entities succeeded, though I am the only member left without amnesia of the exact events. I may go back and more comprehensibly look at what happened in greater detail down the road, but I will not explain the Instances or the Sub-instances, unless I deem it absolutely safe to do so. Above all else, those particular bits of information are best left unexplained for a great deal of reasons. Though they would seem innocent bits of info on their own, combined with other information and the right abilities, the knowledge can be exploited to great effect, and that is something I will avoid with a burning passion. Indeed, this is why I removed the previous journal entries entirely. This is all in the off-chance someone reads the book that isn't me. Safe before sorry.

This text is already crazy. What information could be so powerful that it required him to rip open parts of his journal and destroy it to make sure nobody read it? On that note, entities being sent by a god, or THE God, would be OK, but the Universe ITSELF?! That's bulls**t. Then again...This text is just as crazy as the concept of exploding shrubbery monsters, and you d**m well know those...Creepers...Exist. So you suspend your disbelief on the matter and keep reading.

I have a rather large back-story to me, and it would be complicated and boring to explain it AGAIN. I already have a journal for that uninteresting c**p. Instead, this new journal-which I have kept track of since the 1st instance-will record the events from here-on out. Henceforth, I will not re-log my various powers and abilities, as I have in the past. I will keep a completely separate list for that.

Powers? As in Magic? Great, another fancy-pants wizard. You never took kindly to mages. All cocky and educated. But strip 'em of their magic and what do you get? A worthless sack of s**t. If you ever were to learn magic, you would keep to enchantments on armor, maybe alchemy, and maybe portals. None of that fireball or telekinesis c**p.

My first experience today is that, first and foremost, a realization: I am free of the area where the 5 instances occurred-the War of the Writs. It is done. Over. The Dark Writs, as a faction, are absolutely dead. I felt a compulsive need to whoop. And d**m I did whoop. (WHOOOOOOOOOOOP!)

The area around me, when I awoke, is an icy, snow-ridden area, highly mountainous. Icy spires predominated the area. Said spikes grow slightly in size at the tops, to make a formidable spearhead to scrape the sky. Gravity is apparently somewhat loose here: some of the spikes are prone to not having bases that do not EXACTLY connect to the ground. I have deduced this is a semi-unstable time-space I occupy. However, the display brought on by the Ice Spikes is not the same for all things here-Other objects are prone to gravity. Typically granular substances like gravel or sand, but not dirt, and also biological entities, like myself. And water, but not ice. It was puzzling.

...Odd...This kind of sounds like the outside of where you are right now. In fact, considering where this book was located, it is incredibly likely that this man is talking about the surface world. Unfortunately for you, in addition to having undead hordes also appearing at nighttime out there, at all hours prowled demons. Hunter demons, to be precise. They wanted to sell your soul into slavery as a...Uhh, what did they call it? A Penny? No...Oh, now you remember. A Prinny. Whatever that was. You had to flee from them in the past, and are currently hiding form them in the tunnels. Demons were sapient creatures, and much harder to kill than the rather mindless undead that made their home in the tunnels. Considering that this guy might have gone through the same things you did, this journal could be more useful than you thought. At the very least, it was entertainment, something to keep your mind occupied and have a little fun, to contrast the rather bleak situation you found yourself in.

I approached the nearest mountain I saw. To further confirm the lack of gravity in regards to several non-physical objects, the stone, though connected to a mountain, has massive overhangs without sufficient support, leaving whole lobs of rock that should have fallen off rather quickly. However, somewhat more importantly was the base of me and my fellow comrades-the one we made during the War of the Writs. As was typical for this place, it hovered in midair, though that was at least explainable by the anti-gravity systems we had created. The area I found it in was close to the edge of the atmosphere-breathing was incredibly heavy. Even then, the icy spires dared to pierce the heavens and barely scrape space-granted, they started above the clouds themselves.

Incredible scenery.

Thereafter followed a visual description of the place. You don't really recognize it, though. Then again, you haven't been out on the surface much. It might be in your general area, though, as the picture does show the icy spires jettisoning into the sky. This 'Tazz' isn't a very good artist, though. The figures are very edgy and he's clearly struggling with depth in the picture. A roughly human figure is in the bottom right, for a rough comparison of sizes, which you can gauge as somewhat accurate from experience.

Where I stand in the picture (denoted by the roughly human figure) lays a small pond. Despite the incredible cold and the icy spires indicating temperatures below zero Celsius/thirty-two Fahrenheit (thank goodness for natural cold resistance), this pond is warm enough to escape frost despite being stagnant. I don’t think it was exactly a hot-spring, though. A few Magikarp were within the pond.

When I was younger, I went to a pond atop a hill quite often to catch one of those bloody things, and every time I would fail. I couldn't fish for the life of me. But now I could circumvent the issue entirely by manipulating the water such that it surrounds and brings out a Magikarp out of the water and to me.

But where was the fun in that? After all, I had fishing supplies up in my base, and I could fly.

Showoff! You contemplate throwing the book down in disgust at his clear power, especially in comparison to plain old you, but you pass. It’s the only source of entertainment you have down here. Killing the undead isn't as fun as videogames make it out to be.

The base's contents were devoid of any item that wasn't mine, apart from communal things, like the farm and seeds. There was only one bed now, too. This did mean more room for me and far less mouths to feed, but the inexplicable sense of loneliness hit even harder then. I had to find a partner to wane off that horrible fate, and though it was absurdly weak, a Magikarp would suffice for companionship-and it would, in time, grow into a powerful Gyarados to murder the pants off of whatever dared to attack me, if I felt lazy. Nothing else seemed to live around here, due to the lack of vegetation, so it wasn't like I had many other options that presented themselves to me. I grabbed my fishing rod, went back down to the surface, and began to fish. Due to my sub-par skills and sub-par fishing rod, I predicted it would take a while.

Looking into the surface of the pool a minute after casting, I noticed something rather disturbing. Skeletons of deceased Magikarp. There were five fish in there, and they were dying. I was tempted to get them all, but sadly, I was not so well prepared that I had fish-food enough for five. Only one. And I wouldn't call it 'fish food.' Just a makeshift substance for it. Whoever bit my line would be the lucky one, and the other four would, eventually, perish. And there would be no life in this lonely pond.

It was sad, when I thought of it that way. Almost hopeless, that one would get salvation and the other four would inevitably die. But I kept on fishing. I wanted at least one companion. That one would get hope was one enough to matter.

Once I got a bite, the fish was basically helpless. I had no Pokémon to my name, nor a Poke Ball to properly carry it in. On the other hand, I myself am incredibly powerful, and could easily render the typically weak Magikarp helpless instantly. However, as befitting my inability to fish, they did not bite for a while, after several recasts.

The start of what seemed to be a great post-adventure to an utterly grand adventure before, with me failing at fishing. Some things just don't change, do they?

In any case, I was starting to get bored. Fishing was a boring and tedious sport, after all. I was about to give up hope, when finally, by some stroke of luck, a Magikarp approached the bait and hook. My stare intensified as it approached, possibly ready to bite.

You close the journal, marking your place. You couldn't stand much more of it after the 'X intensifies' meme got brought up. You don't even know where that lame thing came from. You just know it’s some kind of newbie’s prologue story for a Magikarp in the URPG that he probably overdid greatly. On that note, you can't be shoving your nose in a book forever! Time's a wasting, and it's not like you are ever totally safe from the undead, the explosive shrubbery monsters, and all of that c**p! In any case, this is just a prologue chapter! The story hasn't even actually STARTED yet! Your gender and name haven't even been selected yet! This narrator knows the grader will wonder why we didn't START with you! He’d say artistic reasons, but he knows any URPG grader wouldn't cotton to such an excuse…

Cool it, nameless character. I see you flipping the bird over there. I'll get on with it in a moment, after I describe your appearance in a generic enough manner such as to not give away any gender. You have black hair, black eyes, and dark-tanned skin that covers your whole body. You haven't changed out of a blue T-shirt and loose-fitting jeans, but you have put on a wool-stuffed leather tunic and other assorted leather armor over yourself, as it's frighteningly cold and the armor is an outright requirement in order to live life in this incredibly cold climate. Even the caves were cold, just as bad as outside, and you wished it was different. You have no Pokémon to your name, no fancy-a** magic to your name, none of that-just a lighter, a torch to light with, a nigh-useless wooden bat to kill the undead with, and the clothes on your back. You would have more, but you had to keep moving. The undead were the primary threat down here, but even in these d**mnable recesses of the earth, the demons came, eager for a new slave.

You are...Erm. Again, no name. The Narrator could easily give you a dignified and handy name, though, but not until you stop flipping the bird. Now, are you ready to get a real name?

…

…

…

...Stop flipping the bird already, you big jerk face. I'm trying to narrate your story here and give you a real name, which will reveal your gender as well. Oh, and your story? It is about to begin in earnest. Your fourth-wall breaking, genre-spanning, hopefully-convention-revolutionizing story. Like it or not.

...

Nonexistence

PROLOGUE END.

Characters (w/o spaces): 10,466.
Characters (w/spaces): 12,688.
Target: Magikarp (Just one, yes)
Writer’s notes:
-I HAVE written for the URPG before, but that was a LOOOONG while ago.
-I'm only going for ONE Magikarp despite hitting double the character totals for various reasons, primarily that I don't really know what to do with more than one Magikarp.
-For the absolutely critical sake of not plagiarizing: the universe/multiverse's mechanics in general, as well as the nature of my self-insert, are going to be based on, of all things, the 'canon' established in The Last Poster Wins [v8]-skip to Page 84 to really start seeing what I mean by this. Aside from that: The idea of a Prinny (and really, the concept of demons in general in this setting) comes from Disgaea's canon; and the kind of world described (icy spikes), the nature of the undead, and the exploding shrubbery monsters/Creepers (as well as, to a lesser extent, the particular magical interests the nameless characters shows) are ALL from Minecraft (to be more precise; this is an Ice Spike Biome on the AMPLIFIED terrain setting, both of which were added in recent updates). Hope we're cool with all of that now.

CHAPTER 1

OK, your name is Carcino. You are fully aware that 'Carcino' is roughly related to 'Cancer,' which, strictly as a name, you find to be supremely awesome. As you named yourself, it's to be expected you'd go for the best, most bada** name you could think of. You HAD a great deal of amnesia when you first found yourself in this hell frozen over, but at this point it is mostly gone and you remember your REAL name to be Steven Coloto, but you don't go by it anymore. Carcino is just straight-up better, and in any case, it's not like the name you went by mattered all that much right now.

Last you checked it-because you are a very busy person all of a sudden, what with all the fleeing from demons and fighting off zombies-you were exactly six feet tall, a rather muscular man with a rather square face. You had rather large lips, a subtle nose, and serene black eyes. Your hair is a curly, dark-chocolate brown mess that you'd not bother combing even with the time to be vain. Your skin is a shade of brown that's similar to soaked dirt. As previously stated, you wear a blue t-shirt and loose-fitting jeans with a little wear to them-however, this is under a good armor/coat hybrid, wool tucked in leather armor to make a tunic to shield from blows and the ruthless chill. You murdered cows and sheep to get at them as one of your first orders of business, and it took a while due to the lack of appropriate tools, but you've done it. You also have black boots under it all, and they were optimized for the mountainous terrain, unlike the rest of your clothes when you first awoke-in that sense, the cards held some favor for you. You exercised a LOT, and were musclebound and fully ready to take on whatever sucker you met. You had a backpack to put stuff in (as a lucky find), as well as the pockets of the clothing you made, but that was it for storage space.

Besides the wooden club, backpack and clothing, you owned an iron-cast pick that some zombie once tried to murder you with, several sticks that made for grade-A torches, a lighter to light said torches with, a sewing kit that made your clothes, and most recently, a lost journal, detailing the exploits of one Tazz Nihilo Tazanite.

You didn't get a description of this 'Tazz' in the journal, unfortunately. You disliked this lack of imagery, but oh well. It was an easy assumption that he was humanoid, such as to handle the pencil and write. Demons were typically not ones to give a c**p for anything but themselves and whatever pleasured them, and you did notice he went on about how sad it was he could only take one Magikarp with him, so you decided against the fringe argument of a demon with more of a heart and went with a human Tazz. You liked to think he was about your size, but with paler, fairer skin, and a much more vibrant brown in his hair. You also thought his eyes were also brown, maybe hazel. He probably was thrown into this world just as you were: without much warning. Henceforth, you felt as if he wore black jeans, white sneakers, and a blue T-shirt. Maybe a light-red Jacket. You don't know why those particular clothes were chosen-just that they popped into your head first. You also thought he was possibly a half a foot smaller than you were. It was all just random guessing on your part, though: he might have been totally different.

In any case, you didn't have more time to get on with the reading: You heard a low groan in the distance, which meant one of those undead was here to interrupt your story time. Really, those undead would interrupt anything and everything you did unless you did it in a well-lit area or did it in daylight, and you didn't nearly have that much torch wood for it. And going outside was a no-no. Hunter Demons were outside. If you got caught by them, you would have to either run away FAST or die very quickly.

You didn't dwell on how you could evade those ba****ds in the future. You just took out your club and approached, carefully. The Undead were not fast, not as fast as you, and you could outrun them if needed, but they were relentless and it took a while to get them off your track-better just put them out of their flesh-hungry madness with a few clubbings instead.

As the zombie shuffled into view, you groaned. The green, rotted arms of the zombie were carrying an iron shovel in his grasp. The Shovel could be useful to you, but honestly it just meant that if the Zombie got at you, it would hurt more. Aside from some weird necromatic spell, you had no idea why these things just popped up in the shadows, but for things that just seem to spontaneously generate from nowhere, they were at least clever enough to use tools as weapons. You had that experience with the Pickax-wielding zombie from before, and that thing broke two ribs with it. Of course, there was only one of those pesky zombies now. One-on-one bouts with these fellows were typically a lopsided fight in your favor. It's when they ganged up when they became problematic for you. This one had a particularly big nose and eyes, a somewhat uncommon variant on the chilled bodies you've seen, but it made almost no difference to you whatsoever.

You initiated the proceedings of stopping the green flesh-eating product of evil necromancers by leaping at it, club grasped firmly in both hands and prepared for a smashing to the head. The zombie, mostly mindless thing it was, didn't even bother to block it and stumbled backwards when the force of the face-clubbing reared its ugly head. It looked to be a severe blow to the skull, which was good news: Favorable blows like that meant the fight ended quicker, and the faster, the better. You followed up with your offensive by delivering a clubs deuce to the skull. Crushing the skull and the flesh within typically ended the battle as the undead's remaining thoughts were extinguished.

The lousy wooden s**t-club broke immediately once you delivered the clubs deuce. You mutter a choice word under your breath for your subpar equipment. You were now weaponless, which was NOT exactly the most optimal situation to be in. Your fists, though adequate enough to face a zombie, were far less suited for the job than your club had been. You curl your lips downward: This wasn't going to be fun. You disliked touching the zombies directly. But dirty business was to be done.

The Zombie was about to take a swing at you with the Shovel before you kicked it in the chest, sending it back a foot or so. You proceeded to punch the thing in the face several times, but it didn't exactly shy away from those blows, even if its head took more and more of a pounding. It proceeded to shovel you directly in the chest while you were focused with punching its face. The thing slipped between the ribs and made you bleed somewhat, but thankfully didn't hurt anything important...That you knew of. In any case, that was good motivation to end this bout with undead faster. You hated these suckers. There were worse, of course: The unreasonable and bloodthirsty Ariados that also spawned in these caves by the dozen, and the definitely magical skeletal archers that were worse than the undead WITH flesh to spare. But you still hated them all.

The zombie made for another lunge, but you were ready this time. You grabbed the shovel by the handle as it came towards you, then kicked hard at the wood that served as the middleman of the handle and spade. It predictably broke in two, depriving the zombie of a real weapon. You snatched up the head of the shovel off the ground, quickly as possible, and proceeded to give it audience with the face of the undead son of a b**ch.

The skull made a satisfying crack as the spade went straight through the face, puncturing the brain. The zombie was no more. You had won, but you hadn't been a flawless fighter. You were pouring out blood from your ribs, and your chest felt like it was on fire where the shovel breached your flesh. The zombie's body vanished into smoke, further evidence to your running theory of a necromancer's evil abilities causing these creatures to spawn.

You slunk back to your makeshift camp, quickly setting down your sack and unclothing. You had no real bandages on-hand, so you just ripped off your clothes to substitute for it. You took the bottom of the shirt and ripped a circular piece of it, perfect for the midsection of your waist. You cut off some fabric to make sure the strip of fabric would be nice and tight around your chest, putting the excess away in your backpack for future use. You got everything else back on, the pain in your chest still burning away. It would take a while for that to cool down.

Shame. It looked like you weren't going to go exploring anytime soon.

Your stomach suddenly growled, its emptiness apparent now more than ever. Of course, you had absolutely no food once the innards of those cows and sheep had been extended, which had been a week ago. Carcino, you were a malnourished man and you KNEW that wasn't a good thing. Of course, you'd probably have tried to go kill off some sheep...But no. You did NOT want to risk an encounter with the demons if you could help it, you'd much rather starve to death slowly than die at their hands, for an incredibly good reason.

Most demons (there were exceptions) were typically around the human size, but that was where the equality between the two ended: They could be anywhere from as strong, fast and tough as a human to a hundredfold that, those that leaned towards the weaker end typically were magical aces, and as far as the hunters went, they came in packs that consisted of five to eight members. Their forms varied from beautiful half-cat, half-woman creatures, to hideous dragons with a literal control over the skies, to things that were almost human, barring the pointy ears-Pointy ears were almost always a consistent feature with demons. Red eyes were very common as well. But in all cases, all were equally deadly. They also had some odd peg-legged Penguins called that were also pretty hard to deal with, which you believed were called Prinnies, but you didn't really count the Prinnies as a real demon yourself for one good reason that coincided with the reason you were to avoid the Hunters at all costs. From what very little interaction you had with the hunter demons, if you died to them, you'd become one of those things. The other demons bossed the Prinnies around with no tact whatsoever, and 99 times out of 100, the demon penguins complied, always with 'dood' thrown into their sentences for some reason. The 1 time one did NOT, they somehow got it to explode violently-you didn't know HOW, though. You, Carcino, believed they were slaves of some kind, and very ill-treated slaves at that.

That was going to be something you avoided. As your grandparents once said of their parents and grandparents: they'd rather die free than live a slave. You'd take those words to heart as to the consequences of being a Prinny.

You had one thing to do before you could loaf around with that journal again: get a new weapon. You took the shovel pieces and stashed the shovel head-it wasn't exactly the best weapon in the world, and you preferred blunt tools, the better to break things with-like skulls. You looked around for a nice rock, a stone that was just the right size, big enough to do damage against a thick skull, but small enough to hold in one, maybe two hands. A stone mace to substitute for your wooden club. Once you found a rather round-ish rock nearby that seemed a good fit for your ideal mace, you began the task of using the leftover cloth you cut off to use as a binding for the stone to the wooden handle graciously provided by the slaying of the zombie. You didn't have any tools to bore a hole into the stone, so it would break rather quickly-but not too quickly, you hoped. In any case, it was fairly easy to repair it, barring the destruction of the stone itself, so it would work...

...You heard footsteps.

You whipped your head to the source of the sound. It would echo far in these caves-you had time to react. You could also hear something else...

"...D**mit, Loacho, why are we even bothering with these caves? They're dull and boring and safe and boring and-"

You put out the fires by stepping on them, quickly dousing the light. Demons-dear lord, demons, and the same ones you had to deal with before. You knew it just by that name: Loacho was the (possibly de-facto) leader, from all the shouting. The man was an impressive display of shiftlessness and liked his axes. You didn't know the names of the other four, but there was a girl who dressed in robes and loved hand-to-hand; a male mage called a 'skull' for whatever reason with a penchant for ice magic; a huge bipedal shark dragon who could only say 'meat' and 'kill;' and some stupid healer girl who never opened her eyes and was prone to distraction. A very cliche'd kind of party, in your opinion. But these were all demons, and ALL of them had the capacity to hurl you against the wall in some manner, including the healer. Especially Loacho, though. The first time you met them, you assumed that such strong abilities were entirely a bluff, and you laughed off his supposed boast that he could, as he put it, “Cut that mountain down to size.” You ran-they allowed you to run, as they liked toying with their captures-only to have your smile wiped off your face when he actually followed up on it and DID cut the mountain down to size. It was clear that they probably mixed demoralization with actual captures to make sure their little slaves were under their thumbs-that being said, it lead to their downfall in your case, as you managed to hide behind another structure after they let you have a second go at it, then fall down a hidden hole into these caves. For all their superior physical abilities, they did NOT have super sense, and they completely missed the hole and you. In other words: You lucked out, big time. You were going to need that luck twice now, though. You would REALLY need it.

You quickly doused the light, and carefully made your way towards where the Zombie went-away from the voices and the footsteps and the Hunter demons out for free slave labor, as quietly as possible, and you kept your new mace gripped close-those zombies were going to flood to you, and you needed a way to keep away. You kept a close tab on what they said as you tried your best to adjust to the sudden darkness, as well as keep as quiet as possible and keep going as fast as possible.

"Because, when I saw these caves, I got to thinking: You remember that guy who got away? The guy who just vanished? I don't think it was a teleport or something like that, I think he fell in these caves...And we missed the f***ing hole in the ground. F*** that guy...I'm pretty sure that, even if we don't find HIM, that he won't be the only sucker down here. More clever people who saw our work thinking to play mole-folk." Loacho said. You remember that voice: A very deep, very aggressive kind. He liked his job, you could feel. But he was smarter than he looked. "And we're not giving that guy from before the option to run this time IF we find him, either. We do him on-sight, you hear?"

"MEEEEEAT!" The Bipedal Shark guy roared-you could tell. He was the only one who said 'Meat.' His voice was even deeper, very beastial, and was filled with bloodlust.

"...I'll take that as a yes." Loacho responded.

You heard all that as you kept going into the unexplored tunnels, making as little noise as possible, attempting to flee and find a place to hide, all with a wound and hunger. You were going to be amazed if you survived this, but if you couldn't escape them, you'd try to kill yourself before they got you. If your ancestors would rather die free than be a slave...So would you.

"...So, Barlo, what kind of s**t lives down here aside from the standard cave s**t and mole-folk?" Loacho said. You assumed it was the 'Skull,' because that sounded quite masculine and you'd be hard-pressed to reason why Loacho would ask Mr. Meat.

"...Well, these areas tend to be rife with necromantic zombies and skeletons-apparently some off-the-charts Necromancer 'cursed the shade' or something like that to 'spawn his minions for all eternity.' There are also the Endermen, a variety of demon with a severe weakness to water, a habit of teleporting out of harms way, and a penchant for...Well, don't look at them directly, otherwise they get angry...Urm...There's something else, too..."

You didn't know about 'Endermen' before, but you haven't seen anything like that before. You'd keep an eye out. Or, rather, you wouldn't, as that would mean you pissed them off.

"What?" Loacho asked, as you turned another corner and went right, with a tunnel to your back. You tried looking for an aclove to hide in, hopeful they wouldn't see you.

"...I'm trying to remember...There's something that's really sneaky, likes to creep up on you and do you, hence the name...Really green, typically associated with the grasslands and jungles to better suit the leaf-like camoflague, especially the jungles, but they've been seen all over these parts lately...Nobody knows why. They seem to become active at night, but they stay up all day as well...Ugh...I'm forgetting something here..." Barlo went, as they came to the same cave you did, just as you found your hidey-hole. You could see the light of the torch, just barely.

As you tried to start shoving your way into the hole-which had a back end that felt quite bush-like, someting that didn't deter you-your mind went to what Barlo described. You remembered what he didn't: He was thinking of Creepers. They made you put yourself up to cave sides to rest instead of dead-center, so that they couldn't sneak up on you. You only met a handful, but it was an absolute nightmare-their faces were frozen in a very sharp frown, to say nothing of their primary attack mechanism: Without arms and only 4 legs, instead of just being a harmless herbivore...They exploded. You were lucky to escape the blast range of the few you did meet in time. You saw them coming, though...And their footsteps, worst of all, were almost dead-silent, hence your name to them: 'Creeper.' There was one warning: They made a hissing noise when they were prepping to blow up, but it was all of a second of warning to push it away or get the hell away.

As you finally realized you could cram yourself into that small hole, enjoying the soft bush as much as possible-your last moments spent in some level of comfort. You looked out of the hole to see the hunter demons approach, as the light of the torch came into the center of the cave itself...But not towards you.

You inwardly shouted your luck: They decided to take a left instead of a right. It was bulls**t luck, but you were satisfied with the outcome. You waited a few more seconds for the light to leave your sight, then started getting out of the cranny you shoved yourself into.

"ssssssssssss-"

You panicked enough to let out out a frightened, obvious yelp, alerting the far-off Hunter Demons. Right where you happened to shove yourself was a Creeper, RIGHT behind where you were the whole time, probably only failing to explode because you shoved your body there. You didn't think of the Hunter demons at this point-survival instinct dictated that you run, and you tried...

"-SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

...You just tried too late.

The Creeper violently exploded, destroying the cave's integrity and making it collapse a little, destroying the floor and sending you a floor below, landing next to a lot of holes in the ground. You felt quite a few bones broken, including your left arm. You were a lefty, so there went your good arm...You still clutched your makeshift mace tightly, though. You still had a weapon. You had no clue how far you fell, just that you lived.

"HE FELL UNDER! FIND HIM!" Loacho said, from above.

You didn't think. You allowed yourself to fall further into a nearby hole, shoving yourself into it as best as you could, before they got any closer.

You landed pretty hard, even further below, feeling a bit of pain in your legs and hearing a loud thump, coinciding with an explosion above-or, more likely, the demon hunters clearing the rocks. They probably didn't hear you land. You may have lucked out yet...Despite that Creeper and the loads of injuries you just sustained. You were probably going to die of those...

...Where were you now, anyways?

You looked around. Your eyes had adjusted to the darkness at this point, so you could barely make out yourself being in what seemed like a room, with one of the walls kind of broken, leading to another cave area. This cave was further to the left, away from the Demon hunters. the room itself seemed to be made of cobbled stones, with some moss covering a bit of the stones.

You couldn't get back up, even if you had both arms to yourself. This was getting more hopeless by the minute...The room had the remains of some poor sucker who died here, a metal pick right next to him, a broken object that looked like a rigid net in the center of the room, and two chests in the far left. This could have been a house of some kind...And those chests the guy's belongings. With slim luck, something of use would be inside...

"...WHERE'D HE GO?!?!" Loacho screamed from above. At this point, your focus was on the hole above. You tried to imitate a lifeless corpse the best you could, just in case they looked in that hole, but you had a good feeling they'd realize you were still alive.

"I dunno, maybe he died~" Said a girl. You guessed it was the dumb blonde healer.

"There's a lot of blood around here, but I can't see where he landed..." Another female voice said. You guessed it was the punchy one.

"...BLOOOOOOOOD!" Yelled the sharkman.

A few more seconds, then...

"...I saw that f*****, IT WAS THE SAME GUY! THE SAME F****** GUY! ESCAPED TWICE NOW!!!" Loacho roared. He then went into a very loud rant mostly consisting of foul language you didn't bother to recall for later.

"Oh, I remember now...They explode." Barlo said.

"NOW YOU TELL ME BARLO?! NOW?!?! Loacho screamed.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEE-"

You heard a loud thump in the distance. Loacho threw Barlo out of rage was your only guess.

"...Great, and now we've got to get him back before he freaks out about the Ariados and starts freezing everything..."

You could hear loud grumbling, a purely hate-induced grumbling, as the Hunter Demons left.

...Holy...f******...s**t! You were alive! Free! You escaped!

...As you returned your focus to where you actually were, you quickly realized that you were not alone: There was an Ariados staring at you, looking very contently at its next meal and too close for comfort. You scrambled to your feet, taking the weapon which, through sheer serendipity, you managed to hold on, and prepared to swing at it. You knew these fellas liked to jump at you to attack. Your prediction was right and your aim true-you nailed a quick blow to the head, sending it back to the left side of the room, dealing quite a bit of damage. The spider didn't like that ONE bit.

It started to back up slightly, then rush at you, front mandibles blazing for a chewing. You attempted to time the jump right, but unfortunately this time it learned its lesson quickly and stuck to the ground, low...

...Which lead to a hideously painful experience when the Ariados decided to go for the lowest kind of blow.

If you had a phone and could take a selfie, you would have done it now and gotten a 'funniest face' award of some kind. But sadly, you were short a phone, so you were just in horrible pain as the Ariados bit into your poor crotch. You almost whited out from sheer pain, and you almost forgot to take the opportunity to swing at the sucker while he was preoccupied with the biting.

Almost.

Your rage at being bitten in the crotch was enough to make up for the terrible pain and attempt a swing while it was just starting to retreat from the biting it gave you, nailing it in the front right leg with the satisfying sound of a snap-the leg had broken from the blow. It's attempts to scuttle back were...Less than graceful. Of course, that just made it angrier.

You didn't waste time. You rushed towards it. It's attempts to jump at you fell short, and you counter it with an overhead swing to that space between abdomen and thorax.

"RHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee eeeeeaaaaaaaa..." Went the spider Pokemon. It tried to move to you further, trying to nail you hard-an attack you probably couldn't take at this point...But it simply couldn't move. It was alive. But it couldn't move. It was paralyzed, badly, far more than the simple electric jolts that were temporary and passed away. You broke the spine of this sucker. You didn't know spiders HAD spines, but you assumed it was something like that.

...Hrm...You knew how this went. Weaken a Pokemon, then capture it in a Poke Ball. Thing was...You didn't have any Poke Balls. There WERE those chests, and what you could see of it all said that there weren't any other badguys in sight. Maybe, JUST maybe...Maybe you could get an ally out of it? You'd have to nurse those wounds back, which wouldn't be terrifically easy without modern medicine to fix the shattered spine, but maybe you'd luck out?

Your luck definitely seemed to be phenomenal. You looked in the first chest.

BREAD. Bread was in the first chest, and it looked PERFECT! Two loves of bread, and it was all so good! There was also some iron molded into Ingots-which wasn't exactly useful right now-and an...Apple. Made of Gold. Two of them, actually. It was questionable if you could actually EAT those apples, though. A bit more rummaging made apparent a record (useless) and some odd gray powder in a bag. Your hunger problems were over...For now. You'd have to rummage for more soon.

"Arrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh ..." Hissed the spider. It unnerved you, but did little to stop you. It was good and immobile. You checked the other chest.

Bingo! Inside was an Ultra Ball, a couple of Full Restores and even a Revive! THAT was what you needed! There was also some odd red powder in a bag and another loaf of bread. This was exactly what you needed. That Ariados was yours. You had a partner in the bag. Granted, you didn't see it doing much better against the Hunter Demons, but those undead would be easier to deal with, at least, and that was SOMETHING, right?

You threw the Ultra Ball at the Ariados, expecting to see it sucked up into light.

That was simply NOT what happened. Oh no, far from it. Instead of being sucked in, something else came out of it. The Ultra Ball was already occupied-with a Klefki.

A Klefki. It didn't even have a single key-though, that was hardly the real problem here...The problem was, it wasn't going to be able to help you like an Ariados could. It was a hunter-it could find food like rats and whatnot in the caves for the two of you to eat, and of course, it would be a fierce combatant.

You tried to find a silver lining to this discovery, Carcino. You thought that, if nothing else, you hadn't heard of a Klefki needing to eat, so you had all the bread to yourself...But...That was it. That was really it. You just sat down in disbelief. You just couldn't take how quickly your luck was swerving all over the place. Blessings straight-up, blessings in disguise, or just plain bad luck? You couldn't tell anymore.

The Klefki looked at you rather nervously, unaware of what to make of the heavily wounded man in a dark room with the heavily wounded Ariados. You didn't expect the thing to have any ability to heal you, or really do anything to help you out at all. You were bleeding in several places, including your crotch, you didn't have the bandaging for all of those cuts...Yep, you were going to bleed out here and now. Goodbye, cruel world.

The Klefki decided to go into the other chest-aside from the Bread, you didn't take anything out of them and left them open. It was probably looking for keys to adorn itself with, you figured. It came out of it a few seconds later, struggling to pick up one of the golden apples with its teeth and it's 'limbs' (you didn't feel they could be called 'arms' or 'legs'), and dropping it a few times. It was almost comical, somewhat, but when it finally got around to getting it out of the box, it dropped it in your lap.

"...I can't eat solid gold." You said. "Thanks for the thought, I guess..." You added, as the Klefki tried yanking the other Golden apple out of the box, trying its best-though it dropped it on the floor, and decided for sake of ease to roll it over to the Ariados. Unfortunately, your own damage worked faster, and the Klefki stopped by the time it reached the spider. It was dead.

"...Klef..." It went.

"Isn't pretty, I know." You said. The Klefki went back to you and tried gesturing at you to eat it. "...I said I can't eat Gold already..."

You had to eat your words on that one, though. The Klefki looked at the apple and took a nibble from it-proving that it was, indeed, edible.

You didn't look a gift horse in the mouth, so...You ate it.

It was the best feeling in the world-a feeling of sunshine, cool water rushing down, and happy thoughts, no stress, for a few seconds. You didn't bother registering the taste, it was too good, you felt good, you REALLY felt good, it was like you weren't hurt at all. You shoved your face with the stuff rather quickly afterwards, too hungry to think coherently about things like 'taste,' but the feeling was an added bonus. the Klefki looked on, smiling, close to your face, but you couldn't really appreciate the gourmet-level taste as you tried to practically shove it down your throat. A few seeds left over, you spat them out on the floor without much thought to it. Even afterwards, it felt like your body didn't just get stabbed with a spade, get thrown through the floor via explosion, take another drop, then get bitten in the crotch by an Ariados.

...And then you looked at yourself and confirmed that it looked like that didn't happen to you either.

"Holy s**t." You said. It looked like that Golden Apple had healing properties. You felt a lot less pain, you weren't bleeding any more (though a lot of red was still on your shirt), and though you still felt some pain in your chest, you were otherwise good to go. That was much more filling than you thought it was. You were going to ignore the Klefki had tried to roll it over to the Ariados to presumably do likewise to it-that thing just saved your life. "Holy s**t, thank you, thank you SOOOO much." You said. The Klefki looked mighty pleased with itself from what little you could see of its face.

...But what of the other Golden Apple?

...You put it in your backpack, among with the other loot. It was precious, you were unlikely to find something of such rarity again, and those healing properties were too good to lose. You also put the other stuff in the backpack-except for the Records, of course. Even if they played magical music, you didn't have anything to play them with, so that was that. It made you wonder how the other guy died with all of this stuff nearby...Maybe it had something to do with the broken, rigid object? Maybe the Ariados you just fought off had something to do with it?

You just lit one of your torches with the lighter and put it down in a small crack on the floor, illuminating the place. You still weren't getting out of this room, the hole was too far up and the cobbled stone too smooth-no place to grab and go up.

"...So...I guess you were in that chest for a while now?" you asked the Klefki.

"Kle." It said, nodding.

"...I guess I freed you in attempting to capture that Ariados...Lucky for you, huh?" You said. It smiled back. "I think we'll just stick together for some time now, considering we've got nothing better to do...After all, we kind of owe each other."

The Klefki nodded. It seemed to like this idea.

"...So, I don't know how you got in there, or if you had a name before...So, I'll just call you...Umm...Howabout Teresa?" You said. "Wait, are you a girl?"

The Klefki nodded.

"Teresa it is. I think you'd rather not just go back in the Ultra Ball...For a long while." You said. It nodded vigorously in response. "Yeah, I thought so...I'll just sit down here for a while and read this journal I found...Some guy's. He's named Tazz. I'm not him-I'm Carcino." You said, introducing yourself.

"...Did you know him?" You asked, pointing to the skeleton. Teresa shook its head. "Ah."

...There wasn't much else to do, and you didn't feel up to exploring again...You just sat down against the wall, away from the broken hole to the next cave. Outside of the light of the torch was a void...And anything could be lurking in there. You'd have to explore-this little room didn't have everything. You noticed the seeds and pocketed them, but honestly, it's not like food would grow that fast...Unless the seeds were magic and fast-growing as well, but that was doubtful.

"...I'm just going to read this for a while. Don't go wandering off anywhere, there are dangerous things out there..." You said to Teresa. Teresa seemed to listen, coming up close to you.

Things were looking up as you got back to where you were in the journal...

...

CHAPTER 1 END.

Characters (W/spaces and code): 33,252
Target: Klefki
Author’s notes: Though it hardly features, the world itself is based off of the canon established in this thread, starting at this page. Specific crossover elements in this instance were Disgaea (the demons and Prinnies) and Minecraft (The undead, Creepers, the Dungeon, and even the loot from the first chest).