Thread: New Mascot

It was a sultry evening, and a young Skitty was wandering through back alleys, looking for a bite to eat. She had a notch in her ear and several scratches on her club tail from trying to scavenge up a meal from a local restaurant and instead running into a Meowth. Little paws landing softly on the pavement, as she did not want to draw attention to herself. The difficulty lied mostly in getting to the restaurant dumpsters that held food rather than anything else.

She stopped before a dumpster, tail swaying as she weighed her options for getting up there. A pile of weak cardboard boxes were stacked by the dumpster bin, but at the end of the street there lay a cinder-block. Either option was dicey and the bin's lid lay closed. Ears twitched about as she tried to see if anything was nearby, before backing up. Her choice was to go for the cardboard, but first she had to get the bin open.

Digging small claws into the earth she let out a quick Swift, knocking open the lid with a clatter loud enough to cause her to flinch. Voices could be heard approaching. Unable to keep her nerve, she fled to hide in one of the holes of the cinder-block at the end of the street.

A busboy came out, wiping hands off on an apron and grumbling about the more negative aspects of his job, he turned to look at the open lid and pulled it back down over the bin. From her hiding spot, the Skitty's heart sank. She hadn't eaten since she'd found herself alone in a barren house three days ago. In her worry she lifted a hind leg to scratch under the worn collar that remained clasped around her neck. Thankfully the sound was muffled by distance and the busboy returned inside none the wiser. Perhaps this was not the ideal place to hunt for food.

Her skills would not help her fend off very well out in the wild, which was why she had chosen to take to the streets rather than look for a pride of wild Pokemon to stay with. The Skitty's ears drooped as she climbed out of the hiding place she had chosen. Or was about to; as a giant paw landed on the pavement just in front of her line of vision. A startled leap sent her and the one she -by proxy- had startled. A Persian, looking rather surprised, gazed down at the kitten, taking in the puffed out fur and the collar tag of 'Aqua'. Before the larger feline could do or say anything however, Aqua fled.

Terrified little paws scurrying over the pavement, the horror that maybe this Persian was related to the Meowth she had scuffled with earlier and was coming to take revenge. She had given that Meowth a rather nasty slap, it had chased her off despite the black eye. Aqua raced down the sidewalk, away from the Persian, looking desperately for some earth to sink her paws into, she could Dig her way out of the situation if only the town had a park nearby. Aqua came to a stop at a crosswalk; her hyperventilation causing her to run out of breath.

She took the chance to look behind herself only to see the Persian was giving chase. This was disastrous, she would not be able to outrun the Persian, she was done for. Panicking anew, she looked in every direction from the street corner. There, hope! At the end of the next block was a library with a yard.

She took off as fast as her tiny legs and adrenaline could take her. The Persian closing the gap at a steady pace. She could make it if only she was fast enough. Aqua cried out as loud a mewl as she could manage, begging Arceus for an Assist. No help was coming, but that did not cease her cries, her heart beating wildly in her chest, body pushing itself as far as it could in her weakened state.

As her paws hit the grass of the library, her limbs gave way. Aqua tumbled with a plaintive mewl as she collapsed on the grass. The Persian, who had been simply taking a light jog after her, slowed to a stop before the Skitty, eyes narrowing as its shadow loomed to encompass the kitten pokemon.

It was all Aqua could do to cover her head with her tail. This was the end, surely. She was not going to see another day, or her beloved family again. They must have been looking for her. Aqua's life flashed before her eyes. Hatching for an older looking trainer who was the one to give her her own name. Meeting the elder trainer's cub, one who visited often but mostly for brief encounters that Aqua couldn't understand. She had tried to climb into his lap once in the months that he had been by to visit; and he had shoved her to the floor. But when the sun had began to stay out longer, her home was suddenly visited by other trainers, in a noisy box that rolled on the cement. They took her Trainer away; four days ago. The cub had come by once, ignoring her as she tried to ask where her trainer had gone.

A warm and wet pressure ran over Aqua's fur and she lifted her head. The Persian had moved to lay at her side, and was grooming her fur. As the Skitty had lifted her head, the feline took its moment to groom her face as well. Aqua closed her eyes instinctively as the tongue ran over her face and head. Comforting rumbles echoed from the chest of the larger feline, calming down the small Skitty. Aqua was weak from exhaustion and hunger, mewling softly once as the Persian licked over her ears.

The larger feline stood, and lowering its head, nudged Aqua's collar aside to grab her scruff. The kitten hung limply from the Persian's jaws as it trotted back toward the restaurants. Aqua, -too exhausted to realize what was happening- roused with a squeak as the smell of fresh, warm food hit her nose. The soft tang of cooking onions overpowered her ability to identify the other smells. It was enough to wake her, and she found herself in the kitchen of the very restaurant of whom's dumpster she had been trying to enter.

Her eyes wandered about the kitchen, to the trainers making trainer food, and then back to the Persian. The busboy was standing nearby, talking to the Persian. He then introduced himself and his Persian, Flay, to the Skitty proper. Aqua looked up at Branson, watching warily even as the trainer brought a paper plate of food to her. This one was the same age as the cub her own trainer had been looking after. He was feeding her though, and Flay trusted this one, so Aqua decided she could too. The small pink cat didn't even wait a moment more before she began to eat her fill, purring the whole time.

Branson reasoned it was luck -and Flay- that brought her to an establishment named after her species. She would later be adopted by one of those running the restaurant and became a mascot of the 'Skitty Cuisine'.

(Note: I am attempting to catch Skitty)

Hello! Claiming this.

Finally. Thanks for your patience, Izuru. My motivation died for no real reason.

Introduction.
The story starts off pretty cut-and-dry, letting us know the where - city alleyways - and the who - a stray Skitty - right off the bat pretty simply. We also get into what’s happening and why - Skitty is looking for food because she’s hungry. Letting the reader know what the story is and who the characters are is a hallmark of a successful introduction. After all, without that information, a reader has no way to evaluate whether or not they want to read the rest of the story!

Unfortunately, there’s not much else to discuss in the introduction. There are a few descriptors, but they’re more clinical than engaging. It’s good that you’re describing Skitty’s appearance and the logistics of Skitty’s dumpster dive so that the reader knows what to picture right away. These descriptions, though, don’t really speak as much to the reader. This is a very functional introduction, with good information that explains what’s happening efficiently, but it could stand to be a bit more engaging. This turns into a case of show, don’t tell. For instance, instead of saying that Skitty is “looking for a bite to eat” you could mention that Skitty hears her own stomach growling or feels hunger pangs or that she could even eat garbage she would have otherwise thought was foul. You could also describe Skitty as hurting or limping, and then explain the source of her scratches. Describing the scene in this way takes the reader beyond knowing what’s happening - it helps them get inside the character’s headspace. This is very important, especially for the introduction, when you want to start that spark of engagement. Your introduction is pretty good as it stands, being very clear and concise. However, approaching from a more descriptive standpoint can help you tell the reader what’s happening while also giving them reasons to care about it.

Story and Characters.
That’s not to say that the story doesn’t build up, because it does. The structure is pretty simple and straightforward. We have a beginning, with Aqua the Skitty attempting to scavenge from a dumpster and being thwarted by a meddlesome busboy. We have a middle and climax, with Aqua running for her life from a Persian and feeling the pain of her Trainer’s loss. And we have an end, with the Persian taking mercy on Skitty and bringing her to a new home. Throughout the story are a few flashbacks, explaining how Aqua got where she is. When Aqua first sees the Persian, she remembers her fight with the Meowth; later, when cornered, she remembers her last day at home. The flashbacks are both very effective. The first is simple, but helpful, using a detail you previously worked into the story (the Meowth scuffle) to explain why Aqua is so terrified of a wild Persian. The second comes at Aqua’s lowest moment in the story, and because it’s a flashback to an extremely sorrowful point in Aqua’s life, it really resonates with the reader. The convergence of the flashback and the looming Persian work together convey that Aqua feels really hopeless, which makes the reader really feel the suspense in this moment. It also shows what Aqua’s lost to get to this point, and helps the reader to feel her sorrow and fear. By dipping into Aqua’s past, you shed light on who Aqua is and what she’s been through, which really helps me as a reader to care about her and what happens to her.

While we don’t get to see much of the other characters, they fulfill their functions well, and their actions make sense. Of course Flay doesn’t attack Aqua; she’s a domestic Pokemon, not a stray, and is therefore more inclined to be civil. Of course Branson takes Aqua in; his restaurant is literally named after the Pokemon Skitty and even if he’s not content with his busboy career, he’s not heartless. My one concern is that the ending seems almost too perfect for Aqua. As a general rule, audiences want to see characters earn their goal - be it through guile, hard work, plain strength, positive morality, etc. Aqua definitely deals with a lot in this story, being so scared and lonely, and she shows proactivity in trying to find food for herself rather than laying around waiting for someone to take pity on her. However, while Aqua being taken in is emotionally satisfying after following her on her lonely road, it’s mere coincidence that leads to Aqua being taken in. Pixar has a great writing tip: “Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great; coincidences to get them out of it are cheating”. I’m personally of the belief that they’re onto something there. A character getting out of a bad situation via coincidence often feels cheap to the reader, because there’s none of that aforementioned earning. Aqua deserved a happy ending, but she didn’t put in any work to earn one. Aqua getting a home still feels satisfying because the reader is connected to her and sympathizes with what she’s been through, but it’s not as satisfying as it could be because Aqua doesn’t work to earn it. Having Aqua put in some work or show strength of character beyond her good survival instincts would help to counterbalance this. It can be difficult to think of your characters as creatures with wills of their own, but agency is a critical part of writing compelling characters.

Description and Emotion.
I already covered some of the emotional beats, but I want to touch on how the story’s emotions get communicated in ways beyond story structure. There are a few strong adjectives that you drop to help illustrate what’s happening. For instance, “sultry” is a pretty eye-catching descriptor that you use in the beginning to give the idea of a hot, humid, perhaps suffocating evening. “Barren” is a bleak and hopeless word to describe Aqua’s old house by. “Hyperventilation” and “mewl” are both very descriptive nouns, upgrades from “panting” or “cry” that showcase Aqua’s desperation. These words, when they appear, are used wisely. They help to drive home the emotions that Aqua is feeling, which is key for engaging the reader with the story. I honestly feel that your story would have benefited from more powerful words like these. While there are plenty of events that happen to make me concerned about and interested in Aqua, I never really feel that I’m in her headspace.

That’s not to say I didn’t get a good sense of tension from this story, however, because I did. As mentioned above, your word choices for Aqua’s behavior, combined with her hopeless situation of a giant Persian looming over her and hunting her down, really helped to build suspense and get me concerned for Aqua’s safety. The part about her begging Arceus for an Assist was especially moving, as well as being a really neat and creative interpretation of a Pokemon move. In the end, my concern was met with a payoff. Aqua comes into a new family where she’s loved and cherished as every sweet kitty on this planet deserves to be. This is a really nice story about being lost and becoming found, and both the fear of being lost and the relief and joy of being found come through for both Aqua and the reader.

Otherwise, your description was pretty solid. I knew what was going on through the whole story and I was able to clearly visualize most of the scenes. I would have preferred a little more sensory description - I don’t know what the Skitty Cuisine kitchen looks like, for instance. I wasn’t left in the dark, but I would have preferred a little more detail. It can help you as a writer, too - how you describe the setting can affect how the story feels. Describing the concrete of the sidewalk as “firm” would give a sort of steady feeling, for instance, while describing it as “hard” might give it a harsher feel. You did a good job of making sure the reader knows what’s going on; spicing things up with both more numerous and more powerful descriptors would really help push the story to the next level.

Grammar.
Overall, this was pretty clean, grammatically, but there were some oddities with your sentence structure. You seem to use semicolons like commas; here are a couple of examples:

Or was about to; as a giant paw landed on the pavement just in front of her line of vision.

Aqua came to a stop at a crosswalk; her hyperventilation causing her to run out of breath.

Writing Center has a really, really good article that I advise you to check out, as it’s really helpful for people like me who are extremely semicolon-happy. In general, semicolons should be used when you’re trying to link two independent thoughts together without a joining word. For instance, in this example, the first sentence involves two thoughts, but the second thought is subservient to the first with the joining word “as” while the second sentence involves two thoughts that could technically be separated by a period. The last simply has two sentences.

Shorts are great, as they’re comfy and easy to wear!

Shorts are great; they’re comfy and easy to wear!

Shorts are great. They’re comfy and easy to wear!

The only real difference between the semicolon example and the period example is that the semicolon would be read in the same breath, with less of a pause. This kind of thing is a bit more polish than substance, but it can be important when you want your work to be read a certain way.

There’s another semi-tangent that I want to get into. Most of the time I try not to pick at errors unless they’re repetitive or highly egregious, but you did run across the dreaded lay/lie/laid/lain conflict, which is extremely annoying to remember but is still something to look out for. “The difficulty lied mostly in getting to the restaurant dumpsters” is what you wrote, but this isn’t accurate. If someone or something lied, they wittingly told an untruth, which is not what’s happening here. Grammarly has a pretty good article on how these words behave that I recommend reading. I’ll sum up what pertains to your current sentence. In this case, “lie” is the correct verb whose form you should be using, but “lied” is not the correct way to conjugate it. It should instead be “lay”, because the subject of the sentence - the difficulty - is lying in something - getting to the dumpsters. This is a pretty long grammar lesson for one mistake, but it’s a common issue, so I think it’s worth reading up on and looking out for in the future.

Length.
I get a final count of 6,531 characters. Skitty is of the Simple rank, so your story fits nicely into the 5,000-10,000 character range. It’s also a good length for the story you want to tell, with strong pacing. If you got a little fancier with your descriptions, it would have given you a character count boost, but it’s doing alright where it sits.

Conclusion.
Unless I miss my mark, this is your first URPG story. If so, it’s a really good first step and, regardless, it’s a good story. Skitty is captured! While I did some deep-dives into more back-end aspects of your story, it wasn’t because it was bad - it was because I always want to encourage people to strive for higher ranks. I really enjoyed this story, and you used a lot of skillful techniques in your plot and your characters to make that happen. I would love to see you push your descriptors and work on crafting more proactive protagonists. I would also love to see you keep using fun ideas in plot, with compelling storytelling through flashbacks and the placement of details to really sell the important aspects of your story. Most of all, I’d love to see you enjoy that Skitty!