Thread: Sweetly Bouncing Into Trouble

Target: Bounsweet (simple 5k-10k) (Also side note I use Leapt and don't use Leaped. Both are proper English and accepted but leapt is older and not as common)

Nothing. Three days in this stupid jungle and Alexandra had nothing to show for it. The trees towered high around her, each one covered in thick flowered vines. She had heard that some Pokemon make their home here, but all she had found were bug Pokemon which did not interest her in the slightest. The buzz of the Yanma high overhead rang in her ears, only serving to worsen her mood. Her own Pokemon weren't discouraged, they were enjoying the time exploring the jungle with their trainer. Wisp was riding on Alexandra's shoulder, the flame on his head keeping mosquitoes and other pests away. Tank was exploring a few feet ahead with Gumdrop at his side.

"All right you guys, I think it might be best to head out and look for some new Pokemon elsewhere." She said as she started to turn around. Wait, did she turn around? It was near impossible to tell, she had wandered off the path by accident and everything looked the same! "Good. Great. That's exactly what I wanted to happen." She said with a sigh as she leaned against a tree and slid down sitting on the ground. "Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a Pokemon Trainer. I can't even find a new Pokemon, and I'm gonna be lost in this stupid jungle forever."

Wisp nudged her cheek, his warm waxy body made Alexandra laugh. "Stop it Wisp, can't I be depressed in peace?" She said with a laugh as she lifted the candle Pokemon off her shoulder and placed him on the ground in front of her. Tank and Gumdrop had already returned to their trainer and sat down in front of her, each one smiling up at her. They were happy to just explore the world with their trainer, they didn't care about finding any more Pokemon. Lex let that sink in: a Pokemon adventure isn't about finding Pokemon, it's about exploring the world with your partners and discovering new things.

With renewed vigor she jumped up and pointed a finger into the air with a dramatic pose. "Okay gang! First order of business is getting out of this jungle! I don't think any of us want to spend the night in a damp and dark jungle, so we need to get to the nearest Pokemon Center before it gets too dark!" Her Pokemon nodded, they could sense their trainer's resolve and improved mood. "Tank, can you get a scent and follow it back?" She asked, pointing at the Squirtle. Tank cocked his head in confusion. "Right, I forgot. You're really not a sniffing Pokemon." Alexandra said with a defeated sigh.

"No matter though! We'll just pick a direction and walk forward! Jungles can't go on forever, there's always somebody tearing them down for the lumber." She said as she smiled at her own dark joke. Dark jokes about geopolitical events had a way to brighten the mood, but she didn't really know why. She picked up Wisp and put him on one shoulder, and put Gumdrop on the other. Tank climbed up on her back and sat upon her backpack. "All right, let's find our way out of here!" She said as she marched onward.

The sky was darkening slowly as she went, her feet getting heavier and heavier with each passing hour. Illumise and Volbeat flew overhead, their lights illuminating the dark jungle. "Woah, that's beautiful." Was all she could say as she stopped to watch them float through the air. Her Pokemon were enthralled with the flickering Pokemon above them.

A sweet scent brought Alexandra's attention back to the jungle around them. It wasn't so much the sweet scent, but the growling in her stomach the sweet scent caused. "Mmmmm, whatever that is smells delicious!" She sniffed the air as she marched on, following the scent as best as she could. She hadn't eaten since the morning, and that was clearly a long time ago. Her Pokemon were probably hungry too, and if there was a heap of fruit that smelled that good she just had to get it!

She wasn't the only one to notice the smell, the sound of beating wings above caught her attention. Whatever that Pokemon was, it was heading in the same direction as the sweet smell. "I think that bird Pokemon is heading to the fruit too guys! Maybe we can catch it while it's eating!" She hurried along, doing her best to avoid tripping over roots and vines.

Finally she came to a small clearing in the jungle, a small pond in the center with dozens of fruit trees surrounding it. She ran up and plucked one of the berries off the tree, it didn't have the same sweet smell from before. In fact, none of these fruits had the same smell she had followed here. There was one tree in the center of the others, larger than the rest. The smell was coming from that tree, there was a large knothole in the tree. Alexandra figured the fruit she smelled was in there.

"Toucannon!!!" The loud cry of the bird Pokemon filled the clearing as it landed and started scratching at the knothole in question. Alexandra carefully crept behind the Toucannon to get a better view at the knothole without disturbing it, the Toucannon definitely looked like a tough Pokemon. She saw what she swore were a pair of scared eyes and heard a whimper from the knothole.

"Oh no way are we going to let you keep that up! Wisp, use Will-O-Wisp!" She shouted as the Litwick jumped down off her shoulder and shot a volley of bright blue flames around the large bird Pokemon.

Startled, the Toucannon fell down from the tree and turned its attention to Alexandra and her Pokemon, who had now gotten down off their trainer and were standing by her feet. Some of its feathers had been burnt, and a few were still on fire. It flapped its wings and lunged at the Litwick.

"Tank, jump in front of Wisp and use Protect!" Alexandra yelled as she made her way to the tree with the knothole. The Squirtle did more than jump in front of the attack, he pushed Wisp out of the way and retreated into his shell. The Toucannon's beak made contact with Tank's shell but it clearly had no effect!

Alexandra looked into the Knothole, there was definitely a Pokemon in there. "Hey, you sit tight okay? We'll take care of this big nasty Toucannon for you!" She said turning her attention back to the Toucannon. It was preparing for another attack, and Tank's Protect wouldn't hold up for a second time. "Gumdrop! Distract that bird brain with a Dragon Breath!" The Goomy hurried over to Tank's side and unleashed a wave of bright purple flames at Toucannon.

"All right! Super Team Attack time! Wisp use Confuse Ray! Tank and Gumdrop use Bubble!" Wisp did as instructed and sent out a wave of dark energy to confuse the Toucannon while at the same time Gumdrop and Tank pelted the bird Pokemon with an assault of bubbles. Either tired of the abuse or out of confusion the Toucannon sloppily flew away into the night.

Alexandra breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to the knothole. The sweet smell was inside that hole for sure. "It's okay to come out now, that Toucannon won't be back for a while." She said sweetly with a smile. The Pokemon that had been hiding inside slowly made its way to the edge of the knothole. It was a Bounsweet! "So you're the sweet smell we followed here!" True to its name and every bit of information on the Pokemon, Bounsweet had a very sweet smell to it. The Bounsweet smiled and leapt onto Alexandra's head. "Is this your way of saying thank you? If so you're welcome!" The Bounsweet jumped down and bounced around Alexandra's other Pokemon.

"Do you have a home besides that knothole Bounsweet?" Alexandra asked as she looked around the clearing. Bounsweet paused and slowly looked down sadly, Alexandra took the response as a solid no. "Well, if you'd like to come along with us you're more than welcome to."

Claiming for grading.

Introduction

The best adventure stories start with a strong hook. You paint us a picture of a humid jungle adventure amid the towering trees, and time spent with one’s best friends, but there’s not really a moment where the reader’s attention is grabbed. Other than that you do a good job of setting up the characters and the scene; we have a main character who doesn’t give up at the first sign of trouble, but is also canny enough to know when to change things that aren’t working. Your setting may also conjure some mild expectations in the reader – many jungle stories involve dangerous ruins from lost cultures, or deadly traps with cunning escapes. They certainly give the reader impressions of vibrant colors and lush undergrowth, which you call out a few times. Meeting reader expectations can really build engagement with a story, whereas disappointing them will do the opposite.

It may serve you well to spread out character introduction (including sub characters) so that the reader can meet each one of them on their own. Wisp has a charming moment of ghostly cuteness, but for instance we don’t even know what Pokemon species Gumdrop is until near the end of the story. Remember for the future that the reader may not be familiar with your URPG stats, or know that it’s who you are including as characters.

Plot/Story

The core element of a trainer out in the wilderness looking for Pokemon is a staple of the genre. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s something to be aware of as you write more stories. Find ways to make yours stand out from the template; maybe give the world a unique aspect somehow, or focus on the characters’ interaction when they are grinding out a level in a grass patch.

You do break the scene and have them stumble upon a thicket of fruit trees where the main action takes place. Showing other species (Yanma, Volbeat, Toucannon) in the area goes a long way towards fleshing out the world, instead of just going out and stumbling on the target Pokemon. You also have an interesting twist of the battle being against something other than the target Pokemon and not just a straight pursuit towards the goal. These are good choices to spruce up a simple plotline and keep the reader going.

Detail

We get a little description of Litwick, and some environmental details about the jungle – tall trees wound with flowering vines, the clearing with a pond. In the future try to give these a little more description. How vividly colored are the flowers? What kind of fruit are on the trees? Introducing small details of the world is a great way to bring it to life, so try and bring at least one descriptive adjective or tag when you introduce a new element.

This also applies to characters. We know Wisp has a flame on its head and is made of wax, but you never really give descriptions for Tank, Gumdrop, or even Alexandra. For this story you audience is likely familiar with common Pokemon so it’s less crucial to describe them, but it’s a good habit to get into. We definitely need to know more about the protagonist though. We can learn a lot about a character by how they’re presented – what they are wearing, what they carry, and how they look. Was she dressed properly for a jungle excursion or is she cursing whoever made her clothes? Is her worry about spending the night in the jungle because she’s nervous, or because she didn’t pack for overnight?

Battle

The battle to chase off the Toucannon is well choreographed but lopsided. You do a good job describing the moves as they’re used, but that poor Toucannon is just piled by all three of your partners. In the normal Pokemon world, that much teaming up can be grossly unfair; not to say it can’t happen, but by happening it says something about the trainer. It’d be a little different if the foe were a vastly more powerful one – using a pair of Pokemon against a Legendary one perhaps – but in this case it’s just overkill.

The one time the foe makes an attempt to fight back, it’s stymied by your Squirtle, and then it never gets a chance to try again. This means that your Pokemon never feel like they’re actually in any danger. That cuts the tension down that is normally present in a battle, that question of ‘can the hero win’ is answered with ‘of course they will’ and then it’s over. Try to make the battles a bit more even in the future; probably the sweetest spot for drama is when your character is outmatched by a noticeable amount. They have to get clever to win, which builds audience sympathy, and satisfaction when they do so.

Grammar

It was near impossible to tell, she had wandered off the path by accident and everything looked the same!

This sentence didn’t quite fit with the rest of the story in tone. The rest of your narration seems to come from a close observer of her actions/thoughts, but this takes a step away and describes the situation without it seeming like her thoughts. I think it flows a little better if you make it clear it’s still her:

Somewhere along the way the path had stopped being one, and now she couldn’t tell which direction she’d come from.

You also have a fair number of long sentences that you can trim down.

She had heard that some Pokemon make their home here, but all she had found were bug Pokemon which did not interest her in the slightest.
"Stop it Wisp, can't I be depressed in peace?" She said with a laugh as she lifted the candle Pokemon off her shoulder and placed him on the ground in front of her.
Startled, the Toucannon fell down from the tree and turned its attention to Alexandra and her Pokemon, who had now gotten down off their trainer and were standing by her feet.

Sometimes less is more. Longer sentences may not actually say any more than a shorter one. Graders aren’t so fixated on the length of a story so long as you get near the target range; we can certainly pass stories that are shorter than required if they are of high quality. After you finish writing a story, I would recommend going back through it and seeing if you can shorten any long sentences, or break them into multiples.

She knew there had to be more Pokemon varieties here than uninteresting bugs.
“she laughed as she moved Litwick from her shoulder to the ground.
Startled, the Toucannon fell from the tree. Alexandra’s Pokemon leapt off her and spread out, ready for battle.

Otherwise there were a couple mis-capitalizations but nothing major.

Verdict

Spoiler:

Bounsweet Captured! A solid first story that shows a lot of promise. Looking forward to reading more of your work!