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Thread: HMS Sirius [WWC]

  1. #1
    Glaw Porffor PV's Avatar
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    HMS Sirius [WWC]

    Characters: 11854
    Target: Flabébé (Medium 10-20k)
    Notes: Had intended this to be a larger story for 2 mons, but time restraints have knackered me. So there's going to be a sequel part where I get the other one. There may be a slight bit of murder, which anyone who's read the Discord lately will be looking forward to. :ohsnap:


    It was a brisk autumn morning at Portsmouth harbour. A flock seagulls squawked before scattering into the crisp blue sky as two well dressed men approached. The year was 1840, England was the world's greatest superpower & the sun never set on her Empire. Charles Darwin had inspired other prospective researchers following the success of the 2nd journey of HMS Beagle, and today another two names were hoping to add themselves to the history books.

    George Wedgwood, no relation to either Josiah or Darwin, a humble man of twenty three years, fresh faced & eager to impress. Below average height, pale blue eyes & sandy hair. From a working class origin, he impressed enough to be offered a place at Peterhouse Cambridge where his curiosity grew upon meeting other capable minds & being exposed to new ideas.

    William Bugge, Illegitimate son of Prince Augustus Frederick, Duke of Sussex. Cousin to Queen Victoria, but officially shunned by his father's family, yet still in receipt of their money to fund his 'extravagances'. Now approaching fourty years old with chestnut hair beginning to grey, he walked with a cane & limp having had a battle with a muscle wasting infection in the Kingdom of the Kongo.

    The men had never met before, corresponding only by letter. George had been recruited directly from university by the elder William to be the brains behind the excursion to South America. He had never even left southern England before today, now he was going halfway around the world with a group of strangers. He pulled his camel hair jacket close to protect him from the sea breeze, gazing up at the ship before him.

    The HMS Sirius was a fifth rate frigate, well armed in case of attack from the privateers of the Caribbean. The vast size of it stunned George into silence, as he heard the clicking of a cane approach from behind. He turned around to see a taller, older gentleman, wearing an immaculate dark grey three piece suit with buttons that he was certain were carved from ivory. He knew Bugge was a well seasoned traveller, with frequent trips to Africa, apparently he was also a hunter. Perhaps he didn't want to 'research' rare creatures after all...

    'Boy,' the older gentleman began, looking down at George, 'They say you are one of the finest minds Cambridge has to offer.' His beady hazel eyes surveyed the young man as though he were looking at a hanging carcass in a butchers shop. 'I find that rather amusing, considering your... low stature in society.'

    'Yes sir,' replied George, adjusting his jacket under the uncomfortable gaze of the taller man in his presence, 'This expedition is for my doctorate, I wish to emulate Darwin, to find new species, to...'

    'Experience the new? I'm rather an expert in that field. Perhaps you can join me in my cabin one night to hear my tales of Africa?'

    George shuffled nervously, hoping for something to break the tension, fortunately it came in the form of the ship's captain greeting them from the deck.

    'The Sirius is ready board gentlemen, the crew have stored your belongings in your cabins, we're just waiting for you,' the stout Captain bellowed. An experienced seaman with decades of transatlantic voyages behind him. This was his final voyage before a peaceful retirement with his doting wife.

    'Help me up the ramp boy,' William purred at George, extending his free arm towards his companion, who took it with a sense of trepidation, not wishing to offend his benefactor, but also not wishing to give off any suggestions of interest. George lifted William's arm slightly, placing a firm hand beneath the shoulder to support as much weight as possible to ease the older gentleman up the ramp onto the ship. New experiences indeed...



    *Eight Months Later*

    Cape Verde had been an enlightening experience for George. He had never met anyone before who didn't speak the Queen's Tongue, the food was a lot spicier than he was used to, but the hospitality of the natives was truly welcoming.

    That seemed so long ago now though, they'd been at sea for four months since they last saw land, they were somewhere deep in the Atlantic Ocean by now, hopefully not far from the Caribbean Sea. A bit of island hopping would precede their arrival in the Republic of New Granada where they planned to examine the indigenous species and potentially stumble upon some settlements or ruins left by the Inca.

    But for now, George had to cope with endless days watching for larger marine life and doing his best to avoid William, who had taken a liking to a young cabin boy named Thaddeus. George pitied the lad, but knew full well that the long days at sea could be lonely, not that he was into that sort of thing. He was quite happy to wait for the next time they reached a port to relieve some of his frustrations.

    George & William stood together on the port side, gazing out across the waters, they seemed to grow lighter in the distance, which was a positive sign, getting closer to a sea perhaps? They briefly exchanged pleasantries before returning to their silence, neither knowing what was on the mind of the other. The cabins were just behind them, so at least George had a quick escape in case William did try anything.

    William patted the younger man on the shoulder as he walked slowly away to retire to his quarters, pausing as he opened the door. 'George, could you send Thaddeus to my cabin? My leg grows weary and I could use the... company of a young gentleman this evening.'

    Relieved that he wasn't to be chosen this day, George went and told the unfortunate lad that his company was required. To George's bemusement Thaddeus seemed quite pleased with the request. Figuring that he may as well make an early night of it as well, George headed back to his own cabin to get some rest.



    George woke to a clap of thunder and was thrown from his bed by the rocking of the ship. They'd hit a storm, a bad one. He quickly threw on his jacket and a pair of trousers and headed outside to see how bad it was. He gripped the handle tight and turned it before being blown back by a tremendous gust of wind, the heavens had opened and turned the sky an evil black colour with swollen clouds the colour of graphite bombarding the ship with thick, pendulous raindrops. He braced himself and struggled his way outside to where he saw the Captain at the wheel, frantically attempting to gain something resembling control of the boat.

    'We've been blown off course George,' the Captain yelled over the howling winds, 'We're somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. Bad things happen to ships here. Really bad things...'

    A great roar erupted from the sky, George looked up and saw what appeared to almost be a sapphire coloured whale flying through the heavens. Ruby markings graced the surface of the creature and wicked golden eyes gave a piercing stare that chilled George to the bone. The beast roared again and a crack of lightning struck the bow of the ship, setting the figurehead ablaze.

    'The lifeboats! Get to the lifeboats!' screamed the Captain, gripping the wheel tightly. George sprinted to the starboard side where they were kept. There he saw William stumbling around, clutching a satchel, half asleep by the edge of the ship. The beast swooped down from the sky towards the ship as George tackled William over the side of the boat onto one of the lifeboats, the rope supporting it snapping in the process. The lifeboat plummeted into the icy waters, both occupants unconscious, as it drifted towards a swirling vortex.



    George woke on a sun kissed beach by the shattered remains of the lifeboat. His jacket was torn and the taste of seawater drowned his tongue, but he was alive. He looked over and saw William sitting up, satchel by his side, looking despondent.

    'Dead. Every last one,' the older man croaked, 'we're the only ones who made it...'

    'You can't be sure of that,' the younger man replied, moving to stand up, 'The Captain seemed in control of things.'

    'In control? The ship was on fire and then ripped in two by whatever that thing was. That's not exactly in control boy. We need to find out where we even are. Puerto Rico perhaps? Fortunately I do speak Spanish. Now help me up boy, my leg is no good on this fine of a sand.'

    Studying his surroundings, George was amazed. He had never seen plants like these before in his life. There were great palms with chunky stalks that swayed gently in the light breeze, lush shrubbery on the edge of the grasslands, and a small white flower that was bouncing away.

    Wait, what?

    George stammered in amazement at what he had just seen. William told him he was just hallucinating after a stressful experience and that they'd be fine when they reached a comfortable settlement. The younger of the pair was unconvinced though, had they stumbled upon a rare species?



    Hours passed as the two gentlemen headed further inland, but there were no signs of any natives to offer hospitality, just more white flowers appearing in the corners of George's eyes. William reluctantly agreed that they would have to camp, hoping that there were no nefarious wild creatures out to devour them as they slept.

    They found a spot by a lake, where there was a seemingly abandoned cave to the side. William rested by the waters as George investigated the cave to determine whether anything was living in there, insect or animal. Having ascertained that there was nothing inside, George returned outside where he saw a great creature in the lake, heading towards them.

    'What on earth is that?!' cried George as the blue monster approached. It was akin to some kind of tortoise, with a hard shell, but a neck & head like a chubby horse. William calmly looked up at it, years of hunting experience had soothed his nerves in situations like this, he simply reached into his satchel, retrieved a revolver from one of the pockets and shot the marine life straight in the side of the neck. Blood poured from the wound as the creature writhed in agony, screaming the same cry repeatedly as it thrashed in the shallower waters.



    As dusk fell and the smoke of the campfire began to clear, the two men were tucking in to a feast of flesh from the fallen beast.
    'That blue thing, whatever it was called, tasty isn't it,' William remarked as he ripped more flesh with his teeth.
    'It cried Lapras as you killed it Sir...' George replied, downhearted at the murder of a magnificent creature that he had hoped to study.
    'Well now it's called dinner.' William interrupted triumphantly. He looked over towards the cave and his jaw fell agape. The food fell from his mouth as he stared at a wall of white flowers, swarming together & covering the ground. They were almost chanting a sinister tome.

    'Flabébé... Flabébé... Flabébé...'

    'Boy... The flowers... They...' William stuttered.

    George scrambled to his feet and tried to pull William up with him. The swarm was closing in on them as 1 larger flower made its way towards the front. Over 3ft tall with what appeared to be arms extended from a body, a crimson crown around what resembled a head. It was signalling towards the smaller flowers to cut off any escape.

    'Go. Go boy. Leave me.' William pushed George away. 'Find help, find safety, find anything.'

    William looked down at his erstwhile partner and sighed. He knew he had to protect himself, but he couldn't face leaving the older man at the mercy of the vengeful swarm.

    'I SAID GO!' roared William, pushing George with what remained of his strength. The younger man stumbled at first, but began to sprint deeper into the trees as the white flowers enveloped William like a cloak, chanting all the while, his screams muffled by their sheer volume. George didn't dare look back as he ran for his life. He was afraid, he was alone, he was... safe?

    George emerged in a clearing by a cliff, overlooking a town below. Smoke rose from houses, streets were lit. He had found civilisation. He had found Murcott Island.

  2. #2
    early claim, will have this for you by Friday ^^

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    PV 

  4. #3
    woohoo! still friday my time kek

    @PV;

    Story

    First of all, I'd really like to commend you for the opening paragraph of the entire story. We've got a strong introduction portraying a historical adventure story! What will it entail? You've got a good premise here, and we're not sure where the Pokemon will fit in exactly in this real world context, but it's certainly a different genre we typically don't see represented here! The transition onto the two men, the main stars of our story, felt natural and enlightening. You've struck a great balance, in their description, of physical appearance, personal attributes, and their historical reasons for attending this trip. You've got a great talent for making all that information fluid and natural to read!

    You forgot "of" for "a flock of seagulls." The sentence beginning with "He had never even left southern England" is also a run on sentence, but the errors sprinkled throughout are nowhere enough to be distracting! Great job for the proofreading!

    We get our first time skip a good portion in. We learn that eight months have gone by, but the story also tells us immediately after that four months have gone by since our travelers have last seen land. How else would we be able to designate time that would feel a little less jarring? Did anything immensely exciting or important to the plot happen within this time? What have our characters learned and how have they grown?

    Furthermore, I want to say already that I think this story had a stellar introduction and ending. Our adventurers are devoured by man-eating flowers, discovering Pokemon, and it's gorey and intense and mad-exciting. I've got to ask what the relevance of Flabebe is to the plot at that point, since they do just happen upon it at the end. Perhaps a foreshadowing of the evil flower in the past could be some way to signal to the readers that the Pokemon is coming up? As you go up in ranks, you do want to make the capture target much more relevant. At this rank, its inclusion is mostly fine!

    What was a bit jarring, however, was our middle section. Plot needs some kind of cohesion leading from one point to the next - and it felt like our middle here was blurred by a bit of queer-baiting.

    William purred at George, extending his free arm towards his companion, who took it with a sense of trepidation, not wishing to offend his benefactor, but also not wishing to give off any suggestions of interest.

    Relieved that he wasn't to be chosen this day, George went and told the unfortunate lad that his company was required. To George's bemusement Thaddeus seemed quite pleased with the request.

    George pitied the lad, but knew full well that the long days at sea could be lonely, not that he was into that sort of thing.
    To define queerbaiting: "the practice of hinting at, but not actually depicting, a relationship between a same-sex couple." In the instances quoted above, there seems to be an internal draw among our male characters. William shows romantic interest in both George and Thaddeus; George perceives his interest as not attractive to him, and doubly pities another man for his gay relationship with William. The story seems to hint at an interest developing between William and George, which George doesn't mirror and that's okay.

    However, if so, why include this portion in the story anyway? Why include George's homophobia? Everything in your story, at its finest, should have a purpose, down to the word level. Were these moments meant to display historic homophobia for British men? Was the intention to entertain? If so, what about this would you find entertaining? Deeply evaluate why you felt the compulsion to include this in your story.

    I also found this run-around with romantic relationships a bit distracting, as it had nothing to do with the introduction or ending. As is, they get on a boat, they're on a boat for a few months, William likes to engage romantically with other men, and then we move onto flower-death murder-death island. In the context of this, this middle portion here felt highly like padding. It contributes nothing towards the end goal of the plot; and, personality-wise, it only reveals that George is homophobic. Oow.

    What would make this middle plot more cohesive? How could you tie the beginning of this story better to the end; and if you do keep the relationship dynamics of Thaddeus, William, and George, how can we take these moments and make them into identity-developing moments for them? You either embrace their homosexual identity at that point I think or choose to omit it if it was written for less than worthy purposes.

    Description

    I loved the strong, visceral description throughout - especially, for example, at the Lapras' fall! You have a strong talent for building your descriptions and I'm just excited to see how you'll keep building this moving forward!

    Grammar

    A few more tidbits -

    2nd journey / 3ft / 1 larger flower
    In stories, we spell out anything under 100. So this becomes second journey, three feet, and one larger flower.

    twenty three years
    We also put a hyphen between words designating ages! The reason being that they're a compound modifier, so you need to use the hyphen to show that they're working as one word together.

    Length

    you're clocking in here on a bit of the shorter side - but no worries! With a little bit more elaboration in that middle portion, we should be much closer to goal!

    Outcome

    Flabebe not captured yet! This was certainly a strong attempt, complete with exciting and vibrant descriptions! However, I felt that middle section was a bit too jarring and would have preferred to see more work done with George / William's character. Another route for improvement would be demonstrating Flabebe's importance to the island or foreshadowing their appearance before the end. A historical story is a great time to interweave some mythos and exciting tales from the bermuda triangle! No matter what, you'll come up with something creative!

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