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Thread: Adulthood and the Karp

  1. #1

    Adulthood and the Karp

    Adulthood and the Karp

    There’s something dark about a lake before the sunrises. Mist floats across the water, ever encroaching without ever actually touching the side of your boat. The wind is there, you know it’s there, but with no trees or bushes shaking in it’s might you never quite have the evidence you need. You cough just to ensure something, or nothing, know you’re there.

    I don’t actually remember why I came out here. It’s always been the ideal I come back to. When the lights, and the sounds, and the rush, and the smells all become too much. I come from a city, a distinctly uninteresting city. Being old wasn’t what I dreamed of when I looked up to my parents in awe.

    “Can you imagine being able to do whatever you wanted to do” I used to think.

    “No School, to go when and where I want?” I couldn’t have got it more wrong. It’s a sad day really, when one day you stop rushing towards the future and start yearning towards the past.

    I sound low, I’m not. This is the effect that the quiet, and the darkness have on you. With so little stimulation, your mind wonders to ecstatic heights and crippling lows. You can’t always make sense of it.

    I inhale, I feel an icy chill line my throat and mouth. I cup my hands together and exhale, and like a witch’s cauldron smoke seeps from over the top. I rub my hands together and the brief moment of warmth gives me the motivation I need to pick up my rod.

    I’m by no means a rich man, but I get by. And like most who get by, I indulge from time to time. This rod was one of those indulgences.

    The rod itself was made from carbon-fibre, it was light. The sleek black design was one of my own choosing, and stood 7 foot tall. The line came underneath it and cemented into a shiny silver reel, which I polished when I got bored.

    This isn’t something new, there’s a series of events that come from here. I throw my line out into the lake, I sit and wait until a Magikarp bites. I reel it in, look at it and eventually decide to throw it back.

    Pokémon fascinate me, I’m a Pokémon lover. Not a unique way to feel, but the thought of a frail gasping fish in waters filled with gems can’t represent anything but disappointment. You may have noticed, I’m a dreamer.

    Surrounding my boat, a shoddy wooden splinter you’d struggle to lie down in, is the unknown. Beneath the black water, which could be mistaken as a black tar, lies the like of Dratini. A sleek, majestic snake. They’re said to dash through the water effortlessly, their backs could protrude the surface and the water would barely break.

    Beneath the black water, which could be mistaken as tar, lies Totodile. A Pokémon that, even as a playful infant, has enough power to bite through a tree trunk. As it grows and evolves into a Feraligatr, I could imagine myself calling such a beast my partner.

    I feel a pull on my rod, it bends to the trashing of the unknown beast, I stand and brace for a fight. I heave back on the rod, pointing it towards the star-lit sky. As I pull the rod back, I spin the reel quickly towards me. I feel the desperation of the catch, as it dashes away from my grasp. The water beneath the end of my rod bubbles and fizzes, the calm scene in which my imagination runs wild is replaced by a battle that even I can’t see.

    I let the catches desperation dictate my actions, as the adrenaline kicks in the creature pulls me towards the edge of my boat. I allow it a moment of lee way before reminding it that I’m in charge. I heave it back towards me. It’s close to the boat now.

    I grab the net next to my feet, while holding the rod in my right hand. I scoop the net into the water, and watch it break to reveal the reward of my efforts.

    Beneath the black water, which could be mistaken as a black tar, lied a Magikarp. The water ran off it’s smooth skin to reveal glowing red fins, it had gold accent across its mouth, it’s whiskers and across the golden crown which the gods must’ve placed as a joke.

    I sighed. This was a scene in which I was all too familiar, and even though you might think I’d become accustomed… a glimmer of hope always seemed to slip on through. I leant back on to a hard wooden seat in my hard wooden boat to inspect my soils of war.

    The carp carried on thrashing, I wonder now if the catch was really as intense as I’d played it out. It gasped for air, or water, to no avail. In disappointment, I stood prepared to return its freedom. The carp thrashed harder, forced itself into the air and shove its back fins towards my face.

    “What the”, before I had time to laugh at almost being slapped by a Magikarp, it happened again. And again. And again.

    This Magikarp was pissed. I took a moment to think how I’d feel being ripped from my home only to be mocked and pitied. I wouldn’t say I respected this Magikarp, but in this instant, throwing it back into the waters seemed a dreadful waste.

    I turned the Magikarp onto the boat floor, and while it’s willingness to fight was clear, its physicality didn’t match. It was weak, it wasn’t able to live up to the ambition it had in its heart.

    I threw my poke ball into the air, and in a red burst of light my Butterfree hovered above me. “Stun spore” I asked, and a glittering golden light peppered over the boat and the surface of the water. The Magikarp quickly took it’s well deserved rest, and the spores polluted the water to look like the starry sky above.

    I picked up an empty Poke ball, one I had reserved for a mythical sea snake or a giant crocodile, and threw it towards the sleeping red carp.

  2. #2
    Claiming! Sorry for the long wait

  3. #3
    INTRO

    Right off the bat, you paint a beautiful, peaceful image of a body of water in the morning. In the opening sentence, you make sure the ominous vibe of the water is known. The wind howls by but there's nothing there to prove it. How you describe everything is extremely easy to imagine, but as vivid and clear as the picture is, it leaves a sense of loneliness. A loneliness that may or may not be sad, but nonetheless, that feeling is there in the moment.



    I don’t think you could have done this any better!

    STORY

    I don’t actually remember why I came out here. It’s always been the ideal I come back to. When the lights, and the sounds, and the rush, and the smells all become too much. I come from a city, a distinctly uninteresting city. Being old wasn’t what I dreamed of when I looked up to my parents in awe.
    Gonna break this paragraph down! You have quite a lot going on here!

    Starting off, you talk about why you came out here. This parts fine, and establishes the topic of what this paragraph is about. The paragraph carries on and talks about the mystery as to why you’re out here. Then we get to this:

    Being old wasn’t what I dreamed of when I looked up to my parents in awe.
    This feels out of place! I understand you’d like to transition from the city to the concept of aging, but I believe there are better ways to do this!

    For example:

    “That’s why I always come back here, I want to see a place as simple as my youth.”

    Maybe compare and contrast simple life out away from the city, and how that ties to their youth? It’s up to you!

    -

    Next you transition into some thoughts.

    “Can you imagine being able to do whatever you wanted to do” I used to think.
    Totally fine subject to move to! But I feel as if you could have been a bit better about transitioning into this.

    You reminisce about how you looked up to your parents, then next you wish you could do anything. These themes match up with the story, but the pacing is definitely a bit sporadic!

    Maybe you could tie in how it seemed to you that your parents had the ability to do anything since they were adults? This would have also helped reinforce the next thought you had.

    -

    No School, to go when and where I want?” I couldn’t have got it more wrong. It’s a sad day really, when one day you stop rushing towards the future and start yearning towards the past.
    I love his small paragraph! I think it really sums up the characters overall thoughts really well. It almost feels like there is this build up, then bam! You open up about the feelings hinted at. A big reveal of what lies in the heart. I love it!

    -

    This isn’t something new, there’s a series of events that come from here.
    Not quite sure what this line means.

    “This isn’t something new, theres a reason I’m out here.” Is what I assume what you mean?

    Sometimes, make sure to read through to make sure your sentences flow together and make coherent thoughts. You didn’t do this really anywhere else, but worth pointing out, because when stuff like this happens, it’s very noticeable!

    -

    I really like the concept of your character’s daydreaming attitude. And even when he escapes to his pastime, it shows! To end the story of escaping with something as simple as a Magikarp was really cool, and nice symbolism.

    Overall I feel as if you did an incredible job with your writing. But i’ll say more in my verdict about this!




    GRAMMAR

    You cough just to ensure something, or nothing, know you’re there.
    Is it supposed to be “just to know you’re there” ? I understand what you’re trying to say I think. “You cough just ensure you exist, or don’t” in a nutshell. the wording here is actually very pretty! But the last piece of the sentence feels out of place, or at the very least, confusing.

    -

    It’s always been the ideal I come back to. When the lights, and the sounds, and the rush, and the smells all become too much.
    the Ideal “place” I come back to.

    I assume is what you meant?

    Period is not necessary here either, both sentences can be merged together.

    -

    stood 7 foot tall.
    Stood 7 *feet* tall.

    -

    feel a pull on my rod, it bends to the trashing
    *Thrashing*

    -


    LENGTH

    Actual Character Count: 5478

    Minimum Required: 3,000


    THE VERDICT

    So overall, what a fascinating story! Something that I noticed instantly from the first sentence was that you knew how to paint a picture! You’re descriptions for the scenery and atmosphere around your characters was absolutely wonderful! It definitely carried your story in all the right ways. I dare say you’ve got a pretty unique talent for this.

    Where the story can fall short is in the sporadic nature of the thoughts of the character. Overall all the ideas connect and form a coherent story, but the picture painted at times feels as if there are still pieces of the canvas that are blank.

    Anywho! My sincerest apologies for such a long wait for a Magikarp! You deserved this, and I can’t wait to see more from you. MAGIKARP CAUGHT!

    "With what voice, what words should I shout out this love?"

    STATS || POKEMON || CONTESTS

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